Stages of the World

[Metaliturtle]

The sun flitted through the trees into the eyes of Bismarck, this was the dawn of the first day of the first month of the first year of the first millenia of the German Empire.

"Workers, Cut down those trees, we shall build bendy things with strings on 'em so we can shoot sticks with rocks on 'em at enemies."

"Sciency guy, learn me how I can say without talking"

"Yes sire, we are developing something called writing which will allow us to do precisely that with our centuries old Alphabet."

"Woohoo, BEER, Bratwurst, Hamburgers, and Leiderhozen for all."

"Let's howabout make our buildy guys build guys what have big sticks with HEAVY rocks on em sos we can Bash our enemies RIGHT IN THE FACE"

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Yes, The German Empire is off to a good start, but who knows what the future will bring to the Haphazardly fantastic Bismarck and his ragged band o misfits, only time will tell

[civman2000]

hmmm...not as good as CGW but not bad...first part is a bit short...

[Metaliturtle]

Short bits, I'm playing 5 or so turns, then posting, this is just the first turn to kick it off. You just like the Wanderin's on account a there's sex and such a-happenin' I believes.

[Metaliturtle]

The Destruction of a Nation and the Finding of Another

Bismarck had his guy with a big heavy stick, as well as his soon to be famous city of Only WOMEN and him, indeed this was a time to celebrate, and that's about all Bismarck did. He partied morning noon and night, and he loved every minute of it, untill one day.

"Commander, our guy with a big heavy stick just captured some slaves."

"Great, where were they from?"

"They used to belong to a real scrawny pale woman with bad teeth."

Now Bismarck, who had a bad teeth fetish, was getting really excited by this news.

"Are there any guys guarding the city she's in?"

"No sir, they are completely Unarmed."

"Invade immediately, and bring her to me ALIVE "

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Sovy, the Russian scout, was minding his own business, just wanderin' around, spouting off communist propaganda, and threatening global destruction of a massive sort. He was about 3000 miles west of Russia when the guy with a big stick who had taken London ambushed him.

"I AM CIVMAN, I WIELD THE BIG HEAVY STICK WITH THE BIG HEAVIER ROCK ON IT, FEAR ME COMMIE!!!"

"How does he know I'm a commie?" Was Sovy's last thought.

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Bismarck was not a stupid man, as soon as he saw Elizabeth and bad teeth for the first time, he decided he didn't have a bad teeth fetish, and ordered her immediate destruction.

Just then, as he was about to get "reaquainted" with his new German "Sex me up wimmins," A messenger came into the room.

"URGENT NEWS SIRE!!"

"CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY!!!
"THERE" "Now what do you want?"

"Civman, the guy with the big heavy stick has killed a russian scout and taken more slaves."

"Aight, now I want us to make guys who can make cities like this'n, put one right on the border with these 'russians,' and get the nice talk with them."

"Immediately sir."

Bismarck, still a young man, returned to his previous engagement, after a powerful minute and a half, Bismarck went to sleep

[PsionicMind]

This is certainly a unique and creative way of telling a Civ story.

[Metaliturtle]

Diplomacy and a Tri-Civ Stalemate

Lars and Unther looked at the menacing Russian Border, the air was cold and the ground was frozen solid.

"Lars, we're supposed to build a city HERE?"

"That's what the map says Unther"

"Man, I thought settlin' would be easy."

"Yeah well, Settlin' aint easy."

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Bismarck thought that having a day to celebrate his magnificence was in order, so he had the workers build roads to valuable thingys that smelled good.

"Man this stuff is awesome"

"Bismarck, don't smoke it, that's Marijuana "

"HAHAHA Man this Sh*t be kickin

________________________________________
"Queen Joan, we have reports of a country to the south that is run by a pot-smoking, sexual pervert!'

"Good, I've been meaning to replenish my stash o sh*t, we shall meet this man."

Joan and Bismarck met in the German towne of Koingsberg.

"Bismarck, I am pleased that you would make me a guest in one of your cities."



She waved her hand in front of his face, "Bismarck, you there?"

"Huh WhaH?"

"I SAID I am pleased that you would make me a guest in one of your cities."

"Yeah, sh*t happens, wanna burn one?"

"I thought you'd never ask "

___________________________________________
Catherine of Russia was spying on the two of them, and soon became very jealous of Joan.

"I saw him FIRST, he should be fawning all over ME!"

Catherine's stylist chirped in, "Well you don't have Joan's physical-"

"PHYSICAL WHAT?!!! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'M FAT?!!"

"Well, uh... you could stand to lose a couple hundred pounds"

"GUARDS!!!!!!!!!! KILL HIM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

___________________________________________
(Out of Story Info)
The years went by, and the three civilizations expanded across the world. Bismarck wouldn't attack Joan, because Joan had valuable spices to trade for his "incense," Joan wouldn't attack Bismarck for the same reason. Catherine, still jealous of Joan, would not attack Joan or Bismarck for fear of losing Bismarck, and Joan would not attack Catherine out of fear of Catherine's infamous ugly fatness.

By the middle ages, Bismarck was the only one expanding due to culture, and it looked like he may get the win having all but one of the great works sitting in his capitol.

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End section 3
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[Metaliturtle]

Breaking the stalemate

The German towne of Nurenburg sat in between the borders of two french cities, Tours and Lyons. Bismarck wanted those cities, but couldn't invade because of his lucrative trade routes, Bismarck needed answers fast.

"SCIENCY GUYS GET YE IN HITHER" Germany had advancedeth into ye olde middle ages

"What's thou want o great Bismarck?"

"I want the villiages of Tours and Lyons, so we mayeth spreadeth German mighteth."

"Wouldst thou be pleased if those cities were taken by cultural means sire?"

"I don'teth care, I just needeth them so I no longer need to trade with that pothead"

Two days later, the city of Nurenburg hadeth a new sign.
"FREE BEER FOR ALL GERMAN CITIZENS, AND FREE WOMEN FOR ALL FRENCH MEN WHO CONVERT THEIR CITIES TO GERMANY"
Bismarck thought himself a genius, and indeed, in 5 years time, both cities were well under German influence.

__________________________________________
That's it for tonight, it's midnight, time to start homework

[Metaliturtle]

Destruction of France

When we last left our haphazard hero, he was using "FREE BEER" signs to get the French to come over to the German side, and it was working. His middle age speech was refreshing to the uneducated Frenchmen, and now that Germany had a monopoly on every single resource except for the one Russian iron, the Germans were unstoppable in a cultural sense.

"Bismarck Sire!"

"Yes Ziegfried, whats news?"

"We have taken all of France's colonial villiages through means of cultural influence! "

"Excellent News, what cities do they have left?"

"Paris, and Marsailles, reports say that there are too many military units there to get them to join our righteous cause."

"Set up a meeting with Joan immediately, we're going to milk her like a cash cow, and then destroy her quickly. Everything that's hers will be MINE"
__________________________________________
It looks like Joan's in a bit of a pickle, however she still had one trick up her sleeve.

"PIERRE!! That Bismarck, his free beer and weed is ruining my empire!!"

Pierre just nodded, athough he thought that her always smoking the German weed instead of combating it's spread was what had ruined France.

"Stop bobbing your head like an idiot! Help me pack!! We prepare for WAR!!"

"Wha wha WAR!!!?!!? What is war?" Pierre, being only 75 years old had never experienced a battle, and thought that the military was just where the aristocrats put their kids to teach them responsibility.

"Yes, our cavalry will march onto Tours while I'm having peace negotiations with Bismarck."

"But, your majesty, we should use culture like the-"

"LIKE THE GERMANS!?!?! What kind of culture bases fun on free beer and weed and tight leather pants?!!!"

"Well, the mythological Americans of ....."

"SHUT UP!!!! we leave NOW."
__________________________________________

So both sides had the borders loaded up with their best troops, but Bismarck had one trick up his sleeve yet, the PANZER. This secret was revealed in the diplomatic negotiations where the milking of France was to take place.

"Bismarck, what a pleasure to see you."

"Enough pleasantries Joan, it's time for you to pay your tax."

"TAX WTF?!!"

"Yes, I'm feeding and educating your people, the least you could do is give me your measly 300g and the 4 you make each turn, you could sell some of those Musketeers that you have parading around like fruits in a basket. Unless you would like to challenge us in war."

"Actually I-"

"Just to re-inform you, I'm the only person on the face of this planet who has led a successful military campaign. Additionally, I have a new invention which you are unable to build called the Panzer tank, our analysts have assured me that 4 squadrons would provide for sufficient destruction of your nation, and right now I have 8 squadrons with 4 more on the way."

"Just to inform you Bismarck, those musketeers you mock? Well, according to my watch, they've just liberated Tours. WAR IS ON"

____________________________________________

Joan was wrong, VERY wrong. The only German casualty suffered in her attempted liberation of Tours was that of a German Officer who had a heart attack after laughing at the stupid French for a continuous hour and a half.

____________________________________________

Everything had an ominous feeling in the French Towns of Marsailles and Paris. Nearly every citizen was drafted into the Riflemen divisions, and all were anxious to see what exactly these 'Panzer' things where.

All of a sudden, both towns heard a thunderous noise, it was louder than the German trains that used to pull in, and it looked like a huge, dry, dustwall of destruction. This shook some of the Drafted citizens, but the Musketeers were reassuring, and they prepared for their final hours.

Soon, German war cries could be heard above the noise of the tanks, and figures were being made out.

Paris fell first, it's great wall did little to help the defenses, and morale significantly dropped when they realized that their rifles were no good for Tank destruction, the battle of Paris took only 19 minutes.

Marsailles had a rather different fate, although the battle went the exact same way, Bismarck thought he'd be crafty.

"Catherine, I will trade you the recently captured french city of Marsailles for one of your colonies."

Catherine couldn't refuse this, or anything else Bismarck said, and accepted immediately.
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Next chapter: the puppetization of Russia

ps GIVE ME FEEDBACK, GOOD, BAD, RETARDED, I'll listen

[civman2000]

great!

[ElDiablo]

It's good...
Funny, very funny...

Quote: The only German casualty suffered in her attempted liberation of Tours was that of a German Officer who had a heart attack after laughing at the stupid French for a continuous hour and a half.

LOL

[Metaliturtle]

The Puppetization of Russia

Well, it wasn't long untill Marsailles was back in German Hands, Russians it seemed, like beer even more than the French, and now the Germans had a colony at the end of the twisty "W" that was the home continent for all the nations. He now had both ends, with a gracious Catherine in the middle, prepared to give Bismarck anything just to listen to the royal fart procession of this King's royall arse.

A decendent of the English tribe entered

"Catherine's here again, she wants to hear you fart once more"

"I hate her being close enough to come over every other hour, my body and my anus are killing me "tell her to go fart herself"

"Very good sire"

____________________________________________

Catherine was angry, how could Bismarck resist her charm and good looks? Something had to be up.

"Send in Sovy IV, the descendent of the only active warrior mother russia has had, and mortal enemy to all Germans related to Civman of WeHateSovyville."

Sovy came in, a morbidly obese man, nobody would have thought him a soldier, least of all the highly-trained battle-hardened German army.
"Yes your beautifulness"muttering "compared to a friggin planet"

"I want you to send ALL 5 divisions of our finest warriors, the cossacks, to Catherineisabigfatassedwhoreville and invade Germany"

"But my queen...."

"No butts but Bismarck's musical one, now go and attack"

________________________________________________

Fritz was cruising around in his brand spankin' new Mechanized Infantry Urban Assault Vehicle, the Russians are wimps, they'll never attack us. But just then a horrendous scream came up over the hills, and here were guys on horses? Better killem fritz thought and he sped towards the outskirts.

Sovy was leading the charge, and Catherinisabigfatassedwhoreville looked so peaceful, for a second he thought this would be no problem. But then he saw something that terrified him.

"F*CK YOU RUSSIA!!!" Fritz was planning on going apesh*t on the stupid russians, and his mode of transportation had automatic weapons

As the smoke cleared, Fritz was pumped.

"WHO BEAT THOSE RUSSIAN SH*TZ? FRITZ!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the townspeople as he was named the first great leader in the history of Germany, and was given an army of 3 Elite panzer divisions for the counteroffensive.

_________________________________________
A battered Russian coward who fled early made it back to inform Catherine of the massacre. She discussed it with her advisors:

"He never showed me any Ironclad quick shooty things, what's the deal?
I was under the impression that he still talkethed like thiseth."

"Yeah, well we have no army, and they have a very powerful one of Panzers, those behemoths they eliminated the French with, and didn't disband a single one of after the war."

"Alright, I have a plan, Drop Democracy, I wanna be the Commie Mommy."

_________________________________________
FRITZ was just on the outskirts of Moscow now, "the cow part must be named after Catherine" he thought jokingly.

As the Panzers motored forward at speeds higher than the Russians knew, they began to encounter peppering by musketballs.

"I think one of 'em just took a dry crap" Fritz radioed headquarters, informing them of the musketballs

Quickly the Russian musketman were squished by the powerful German offensive, and Catherine's modest palace was destroyed. Now the German's controlled more than half of the world, and Catherine was willing to do anything to prevernt her culture from the fate of France.

"I will only accept everything you have besides your capital city Catherine, and you CAN'T come over anymore on account of you a butt-fugly fat woman with excruciatingly severe body odor and a bad case of what I can only deem mannishness."

"Fine" Catherine was in tears, why had she neglected her weight? She wished she were dead.

"oh yeah Catherine?"

"What"

"I hate you" A gunshot rang out, Catherine's 500 lb. body fell to the floor with a terrific thud, and the German army marched into St. Petersburg to take the earth.

Bismarck lifted his smoking pistol, "Where my sex me up wimmins at? I don't want to lose my drive because of this elephant's crush on me!!"

THE END

[civman2000]

the end?????

[Metaliturtle]

Yes, unfortunately I got the domination victory or something like that