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The English Expedition
The English caravel was sailing the waters of the Southwestern Ocean. They had long passed by the Babylonian island city of Avignon with its curious population of Frenchmen who still preserved the antique customs and dress of their long-dead civilization. Many tourists flocked to the island not only to see the Zhondarquians and eat their odd sauce-based quee zeen but to experience the novel sensation of crossing on a ship to an off-shore island; the only island, that everyone in any of the civilizations of the great Worldland continent knew of. In fact, the word for "island" in many languages was derived from "Avignon".
Being tourists was a good cover for their secret mission: to search for new lands for England to colonize, for England felt perpetually hemmed in by the rude Zulus to the west, the ever-vigilant Iroquois to the south, and the polite, cultured, yet (alas) highly-armed Babylonian realm to east. Oh, yes, the Babylonians were nice enough to allow free passage through their lands to Warwick and the English conquest of Paris in the far east, but "free passage" in Babylonian meant "You are always welcome to eat and sleep in our inns on the way and enjoy our cities and scenery but for your protection we are going to carefully watch you until you are safely in your own land."
Oh, how nice it would be to find a land were the English could spread out a little and run around unwatched by anyone. The English geographers suspected that there *was* such a land in the unexplored southwest of the world, and that the Babylonians knew about it, for they were *never* willing to trade any maps, not even Territory maps that even the Zulus were willing to trade (not that Zulu territory maps were ever worth anything). "What do you need our maps of Babylon for?" the Babylonian ambassador would always say. "They're not as elegant as your lovely English maps. If you want maps, make your own! See any part of Babylon you want! You don't have to hurry to Paris all the time. Take the scenic route! Anyway, we will be quite happy to protect you from any dangers -- not that there are any dangers, of course." It was quite obvious the Babylonians were hiding something under their conical hats.
But unfortunately for the longest time the English lacked any technology to sail across the ocean. At last the star-watching philosophers worked out a method of Navigation, and the ship-builders designed a Caravel that did not need to hug the coast all the time, and Queen Elizabeth sent Admiral Nelson off on the secret mission disguised as Horatio Nelson, Esq., proprietor of Nelson's Avignon Tours, Ltd., "Tours For Those Who Truly Want To Experience The Perils Of The Ocean". And if the Babylonians wondered why Mr. Nelson sailed south with his tourists instead of back west to England, well, it was obvious that his clientele consisted of adventurous young extreme-sport-loving university students who truly wanted to experience the perils of the ocean.
One day, the man in the crow's nest shouted, "Ho, seagulls!" And the man who took care of the rowboats shouted, "Ho, logs floating on the sea!" Yes, a new empty land beckoned, a land for the English alone. Then a storm came up, and before the English knew it, they were blown away.
When the torrents stopped and the clouds cleared they found themselves on a coast! A primitive dug-out canoe was approaching and another, and another. All were prepared to overwhelm and awe the savages with the power of the English, when the first horrifying words of the men in the canoe froze their marrow.
"Oh look, Englishmen!"
In Babylonian.
And then a Babylonian ship approached. A well-armed Babylonian ship. "Hi! English ship. You can't land here. You're disrupting the 24th Annual Shuruppak Dug-Out Canoe Race! Come with us to Shuruppak."
Soon Mr Nelson, Esq. and all of his "clientele" found themselves on the way to a banquet given by the Mayor of Shuruppak. While they were walking down Hammurabi Street, Admiral Nelson beckoned to a fast runner. "Look at this city. It's obvious what with all the temples and libraries and colosseums and races that the Babylonians are too effete to do anything with this land. See if you can spy around and find a map. Here is some gold to bribe anyone who needs bribing."
The spy ran down Nergal Prospect before anyone could notice him. He had not gone down two blocks when he spied a sign: "Marduk-nidu's Travel Emporium: Maps, Books, and Travel Agency." The perfect place, and it preserved his cover too! He pushed open the door, and a little bell jangled. A man with gold earrings greeted him. "Welcome, young Englishman! What can I do for you?"
The spy lowered his voice. "I'll give you fifty guineas if you sell me a map of the entire island this city is on." The shopkeeper laughed through his curled beard so hard that his earrings almost fell off. "Fifty guineas! Ho! Ho! Young Englishman, you ought to be more careful with your money! A map doesn't cost 40 tablets of gold! Other merchants would not be so honest as I and would take all your money. No, young man, here is an atlas of the Sumerian continent, as detailed as you like. 3 tablets of gold. That's 3¾ of your guineas, and just to make it an even 4 of your guineas, I will throw in this popular book called The Lonely Planet Guide to the Sumerian Continent for 8 silver styli. It has everything to see and do in all the cities in Sumeria."
A few days later the English ship left. And if the Babylonians wondered why they had such long faces, well, they figured that it was because the young travellers were depressed at having to get back to university lectures and writing papers.
Being tourists was a good cover for their secret mission: to search for new lands for England to colonize, for England felt perpetually hemmed in by the rude Zulus to the west, the ever-vigilant Iroquois to the south, and the polite, cultured, yet (alas) highly-armed Babylonian realm to east. Oh, yes, the Babylonians were nice enough to allow free passage through their lands to Warwick and the English conquest of Paris in the far east, but "free passage" in Babylonian meant "You are always welcome to eat and sleep in our inns on the way and enjoy our cities and scenery but for your protection we are going to carefully watch you until you are safely in your own land."
Oh, how nice it would be to find a land were the English could spread out a little and run around unwatched by anyone. The English geographers suspected that there *was* such a land in the unexplored southwest of the world, and that the Babylonians knew about it, for they were *never* willing to trade any maps, not even Territory maps that even the Zulus were willing to trade (not that Zulu territory maps were ever worth anything). "What do you need our maps of Babylon for?" the Babylonian ambassador would always say. "They're not as elegant as your lovely English maps. If you want maps, make your own! See any part of Babylon you want! You don't have to hurry to Paris all the time. Take the scenic route! Anyway, we will be quite happy to protect you from any dangers -- not that there are any dangers, of course." It was quite obvious the Babylonians were hiding something under their conical hats.
But unfortunately for the longest time the English lacked any technology to sail across the ocean. At last the star-watching philosophers worked out a method of Navigation, and the ship-builders designed a Caravel that did not need to hug the coast all the time, and Queen Elizabeth sent Admiral Nelson off on the secret mission disguised as Horatio Nelson, Esq., proprietor of Nelson's Avignon Tours, Ltd., "Tours For Those Who Truly Want To Experience The Perils Of The Ocean". And if the Babylonians wondered why Mr. Nelson sailed south with his tourists instead of back west to England, well, it was obvious that his clientele consisted of adventurous young extreme-sport-loving university students who truly wanted to experience the perils of the ocean.
One day, the man in the crow's nest shouted, "Ho, seagulls!" And the man who took care of the rowboats shouted, "Ho, logs floating on the sea!" Yes, a new empty land beckoned, a land for the English alone. Then a storm came up, and before the English knew it, they were blown away.
When the torrents stopped and the clouds cleared they found themselves on a coast! A primitive dug-out canoe was approaching and another, and another. All were prepared to overwhelm and awe the savages with the power of the English, when the first horrifying words of the men in the canoe froze their marrow.
"Oh look, Englishmen!"
In Babylonian.
And then a Babylonian ship approached. A well-armed Babylonian ship. "Hi! English ship. You can't land here. You're disrupting the 24th Annual Shuruppak Dug-Out Canoe Race! Come with us to Shuruppak."
Soon Mr Nelson, Esq. and all of his "clientele" found themselves on the way to a banquet given by the Mayor of Shuruppak. While they were walking down Hammurabi Street, Admiral Nelson beckoned to a fast runner. "Look at this city. It's obvious what with all the temples and libraries and colosseums and races that the Babylonians are too effete to do anything with this land. See if you can spy around and find a map. Here is some gold to bribe anyone who needs bribing."
The spy ran down Nergal Prospect before anyone could notice him. He had not gone down two blocks when he spied a sign: "Marduk-nidu's Travel Emporium: Maps, Books, and Travel Agency." The perfect place, and it preserved his cover too! He pushed open the door, and a little bell jangled. A man with gold earrings greeted him. "Welcome, young Englishman! What can I do for you?"
The spy lowered his voice. "I'll give you fifty guineas if you sell me a map of the entire island this city is on." The shopkeeper laughed through his curled beard so hard that his earrings almost fell off. "Fifty guineas! Ho! Ho! Young Englishman, you ought to be more careful with your money! A map doesn't cost 40 tablets of gold! Other merchants would not be so honest as I and would take all your money. No, young man, here is an atlas of the Sumerian continent, as detailed as you like. 3 tablets of gold. That's 3¾ of your guineas, and just to make it an even 4 of your guineas, I will throw in this popular book called The Lonely Planet Guide to the Sumerian Continent for 8 silver styli. It has everything to see and do in all the cities in Sumeria."
A few days later the English ship left. And if the Babylonians wondered why they had such long faces, well, they figured that it was because the young travellers were depressed at having to get back to university lectures and writing papers.
Hehehe, yea!!! Real familiar!!!
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