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Of Warriors and Tanks - A Short Story
I originally posted this in a thread on the general board, but it's inside a combat system (warriors killing tanks) rant thread. Besides it's probably more well-suited here.
I don't have any problem with warriors killin' tanks - it's realistic. I know first hand what one motivated man and his garden implements can do to a division of tanks. Matter of fact, lemme tell y'all a short tale to back up my thoughts.
One day, not long ago, I woke up to the sound of my dog pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed. Groggily, still not quite awake from my long, Civ induced slumber I opened the back door and went to make some coffee. Not 20 seconds later the dog came tearing back inside knocking a freshly opened can of Folders out of my hands. Quickly as my sleep muddled brain would allow, I stumbled over to the back door to see what had scared him. The sight that awaited me was like something out of a war movie. "Red Dawn," perhaps. That's right... tanks, and lots of 'em, in my own backyard.
"Hey, what's going on out here?" I shouted, puzzled.
One of the top hatches opened and a man's face rose out of it. He started saying stuff like: "All your base are belong to us," and "You have no chance to survive, make your time."
"Hmm, must be a bad Japanese translation," I thought to myself. "But why would translators wanna invade my backyard?"
These thoughts were quickly shoved aside as one of the turrets started turning to aim its cannon at me. With agility and speed I never suspected I possessed, I quickly covered the ten paces between my back door and the shed. I dove for cover behind some old clay pots and gardening tools just as the shell that would've killed me (or at least taken a hitpoint) went through the back door and destroyed the front of the house.
Knowing I had to buy some time, hoping for an air strike or a SEAL team or any damn thing, I tried to talk my way out of it.
"Hey, buddy, whatcha wanna blow me up for anyways?" I yelled hopefully.
"What you say?" was the reply came to me over the roar of the the tanks turning towards my inadequate cover.
"I SAID, HEY, BUDDY, WHATCHA WANNA BL--" I screamed, before I was cut off by the tank-man speaking again, this time with a megaphone.
"SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB." The amplified words rumbled across my backyard to me, and indeed, probably the whole neighborhood.
That sounded ominous. I knew I needed a daring plan if I were to survive. Suddenly, and just before the tanks were ready to fire (they weren't considering me a serious threat, therefore they were moving pretty casually. I mean, what man could take out a group of tanks - the very thought is laughable, but I digress.) A brilliant plan came to me. Victory was almost guaranteed... because... you see...
I was still holding the can opener I had used on the coffee.
Knowing I needed a good battle cry for future generations to remember along with my heroic act of bravery, I yelled, laughing manically, "Hey, beeeyyyotches, how long you stay fresh in those cans?" Okay, so it isn't up there with "We shall never surrender nor retreat," but it was the best I could come up with on short notice.
Obviously, you can make out what happened next, just from the very fact that I'm here telling you about this. I need not go into the details of the battle, but lest you think it was an easy fight, I will say that after the 6th or 7th tank, my can opener broke and I had to use my garden spade to both bludgeon the tank-men AND peel open the tanks.
Men against tanks isn't really a fair fight in the game, but I hope that whenever somebody feels the need to speak out against the combat system they will remember this story... the "Can opener-Zero Wing" story.
I don't have any problem with warriors killin' tanks - it's realistic. I know first hand what one motivated man and his garden implements can do to a division of tanks. Matter of fact, lemme tell y'all a short tale to back up my thoughts.
One day, not long ago, I woke up to the sound of my dog pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed. Groggily, still not quite awake from my long, Civ induced slumber I opened the back door and went to make some coffee. Not 20 seconds later the dog came tearing back inside knocking a freshly opened can of Folders out of my hands. Quickly as my sleep muddled brain would allow, I stumbled over to the back door to see what had scared him. The sight that awaited me was like something out of a war movie. "Red Dawn," perhaps. That's right... tanks, and lots of 'em, in my own backyard.
"Hey, what's going on out here?" I shouted, puzzled.
One of the top hatches opened and a man's face rose out of it. He started saying stuff like: "All your base are belong to us," and "You have no chance to survive, make your time."
"Hmm, must be a bad Japanese translation," I thought to myself. "But why would translators wanna invade my backyard?"
These thoughts were quickly shoved aside as one of the turrets started turning to aim its cannon at me. With agility and speed I never suspected I possessed, I quickly covered the ten paces between my back door and the shed. I dove for cover behind some old clay pots and gardening tools just as the shell that would've killed me (or at least taken a hitpoint) went through the back door and destroyed the front of the house.
Knowing I had to buy some time, hoping for an air strike or a SEAL team or any damn thing, I tried to talk my way out of it.
"Hey, buddy, whatcha wanna blow me up for anyways?" I yelled hopefully.
"What you say?" was the reply came to me over the roar of the the tanks turning towards my inadequate cover.
"I SAID, HEY, BUDDY, WHATCHA WANNA BL--" I screamed, before I was cut off by the tank-man speaking again, this time with a megaphone.
"SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB." The amplified words rumbled across my backyard to me, and indeed, probably the whole neighborhood.
That sounded ominous. I knew I needed a daring plan if I were to survive. Suddenly, and just before the tanks were ready to fire (they weren't considering me a serious threat, therefore they were moving pretty casually. I mean, what man could take out a group of tanks - the very thought is laughable, but I digress.) A brilliant plan came to me. Victory was almost guaranteed... because... you see...
I was still holding the can opener I had used on the coffee.
Knowing I needed a good battle cry for future generations to remember along with my heroic act of bravery, I yelled, laughing manically, "Hey, beeeyyyotches, how long you stay fresh in those cans?" Okay, so it isn't up there with "We shall never surrender nor retreat," but it was the best I could come up with on short notice.
Obviously, you can make out what happened next, just from the very fact that I'm here telling you about this. I need not go into the details of the battle, but lest you think it was an easy fight, I will say that after the 6th or 7th tank, my can opener broke and I had to use my garden spade to both bludgeon the tank-men AND peel open the tanks.
Men against tanks isn't really a fair fight in the game, but I hope that whenever somebody feels the need to speak out against the combat system they will remember this story... the "Can opener-Zero Wing" story.
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