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Author's note: I don't know that I'll get around to finishing my French story on this board or no....I think that I probably began writing it a little prematurely, before I knew enough about the game....still, I DO have the save file, and may yet get back to it, but in the meantime, I have been breaking up my strategy writings with a game that's turned out to be a heckuva lot of fun, and the first segment of it is presented below....enjoy! 
OoO
The Emperor stood on the hilltop, looking down into the valley below. A sluggish river churned silently through the midst of it, and several hundred cattle were spread out, grazing peacefully.
“Yes….yes I think this will do nicely.”
“Right then.” His scribe nodded. “I shall inform our vanguard to make haste into the valley and…”
“Nigel?” The Emperor asked.
“Yes sire?”
“Must you speak in that bizarre accent? What is that anyway?”
“An English accent sir.” Nigel replied crisply.
“English? We don’t even know if they’re in the game?”
“Oh, not to worry sir…the author wanted a certain amount of continuity in the story, so he made sure they’d appear. I suspect they’ll be along any time now, being an expansionistic civ and all.”
The Emperor raised a curious eyebrow and opened his mouth to ask another question, and then apparently thought better of it.
“Right then….I’m off to tell our followers that we’ve found a place to settle in, and from the look of it, I’d say we picked a spot that’s simply tops, what with all the cows and such.”
4000 BC Rome Founded on a river, and on land with three cows surrounding it!
***
“So….what’s the plan then?” Nigel asked, parchment in hand.
“Oh...the usual stuff…REX style expansion, lay claim to as much of this continent as we possibly can, find our nearest neighbors and perhaps conquer them, and most importantly, we must spread our tendency for naming towns ending in vowels and the letters “um” far and wide!”
“Are you quite sure that last bit is worth mentioning, sire?”
“QUITE.” He said authoritatively, as he allowed his gaze to linger on the herds of cattle near Rome.”
“Ahhh, and I can see His Majesty has an idea in his head.” Nigel said, preparing to write some more.
“Yes….well, a vague idea, and some general questions for you, my trusty scribe.”
“Go ahead sire.”
“First…I was wondering….see those cows yonder? It seems that our troops would serve us better if they were mounted. Perhaps we could train some of these cows for war….providing sturdy mounts for our armies.”
“Battle Cows, sire?”
“Yes. Battle Cows. Has a nice ring to it I think.”
Silence.
“Nigel…you’re quiet. What are you thinking?”
“Well sir…it’s just that…somehow I don’t think that our “Battle Cows” will do much to strike fear in the heart of the enemy, you know? I mean, the concept is sound, but…I think we should probably find a different animal.”
The Emperor considered for a moment. “Oh all right then….assign some people to study alternatives, but I want fast, mobile troops!”
“Yes Sire….as you wish.”
Nigel remained where he was.
“Well…carry on scribe, carry on! I’m a busy ruler you know!”
“Uh….right Sire…but you mentioned there was something else?”
“Oh! Yes…sorry….how is it that you can write!? We haven’t discovered that technology yet!”
Nigel smiled. “Trade secret, your Majesty. Someone has to recount your glorious story.”
“Harrumph….well….that just doesn’t seem very realistic to me.”
“Come now Sire….do you really want to get into the realism debate? If we did, you’d already be dead! Keep in mind that the average lifespan for even the healthiest of males at this point in history is only….”
The Emperor held up his hands. “All right…all right…no more discussions of realism and no “Battle Cows.” Damn….and I did like that notion, too.”
Nigel shook his head and scurried off to see that the Emperor’s wishes were carried out.
***
2750 BC – Veii Founded!!
“Boy….you weren’t kidding about founding cities with names ending in vowels, were you? Don’t get me wrong Sire…I like it, but….”
“You think I went a little overboard?”
Nigel nodded. “Perhaps just a bit…THREE back-to-back vowels!? That’s got to be a record.”
“Hmmm….perhaps you’re right….tell you what then….we’ll consider that we have two “credits,” meaning that we can break from our traditional city naming scheme twice now, thanks to the overabundance of vowels in Veii.”
“Very good Sire.”
***
2630 BC – Antium Founded!!
2110 BC – Cumae Founded!!
1725 BC – Neapolis Founded!!
“You know…I rather like this last city we’ve founded Sire.”
“Goodish name, no?”
“It is! And they make fantastic ice cream there!”
“Ice cream?”
“Yes….a little known….well, never mind all that….I don’t want to get into that whole realism argument again.”
The Emperor nodded, satisfied.
“Oh! I nearly forgot!”
“What’s that, Nigel?”
“The People love you Sire and they wish to express their gratitude for the magnificent job you have done thus far in growing our Empire.”
“Magnificent job? It’s been more than two thousand years and all I’ve managed to do is expand our holdings to include five measly cities. We don’t even have a substitute for my “Battle Cow” idea yet….Magnificent? I think not.”
“Nonetheless, the People wish to honor you.”
“Honor me how, pray tell?”
“They wish to give you a lawn and intricate walkway in front of your palace.”
“Uhhh, Nigel….in case you didn’t notice it before, I live in a cave.”
“Right…well then, in front of your cave, you shall have the finest lawn and intricate system of walkways in all the Empire! It shall be the envy of the world!”
“Don’t exaggerate Nigel.”
“Right…sorry.”
“Okay…a lawn it is then. Other news?”
“Oh! Yes! In all the lawn-excitement, I nearly forgot! We made contact with the English at a narrow land bridge that separates the “Roman Sub-Continent” from the rest of the continent we’re on. Our scouts reported that from the air, it looks something like a chicken neck, and so have taken to calling it simply “The Neck.” They have sealed it off by garrisoning a strong company of Elite Bone-Club wielding warriors there to prevent English expansion onto the Roman-Sub-Continent.”
“From the air?”
“Don’t ask.”
“More of that realism thing?”
“Something like that, yes.”
“Very well then….we shall just commend the scouts on a job well done! An excellent move indeed! Who’s idea was it?! Find out and promote that man to General! He shall be the leader of the glorious armies of Rome….as soon as we have glorious armies, that is.”
“His name, Sire, is Velcivius Flavius Longassus Nameus.”
“Bizzare, but a goodish name. Send word to him that he shall lead our armies the moment we have them.”
“Very good sire….and if I may?”
“What is it Nigel?”
“I was wondering, Majesty, if perhapsus, we shouldus talkus inus aus moreus Romanesqueus fashionus?”
“….because this is, after all, a tale of the glory of Rome? I think not, Nigel….we don’t want to get the readers annoyedus atus, which they surely would be in very short order.”
“Ahhh, good point Sire….that’s why they pay you the big bucks, as they say?”
The Emperor got a curious look on his face. “Who says that, pray tell?”
“Sorry sir….forgot myself again….Nevermind.” l Nigel said over his shoulder as he scurried off.
“Who says all that about the big bucks Nigel? Nigel?!”
***
And so it came to be that Velcivius Flavious Longassus Nameus became Lord General of the Armies of Rome in 1725 BC, and he was mightily pleased that his army was one that did NOT contain Battle Cows.
1650 BC – Pompeii Founded!!!
1600 BC – Pisae Founded!!!
“Pisae? Pisae??” The Emperor Roared! “I want whatever numbskull from the City Naming Division who thought that one up to be beheaded! Piss-ay…..great name….By the Gods….getting anyone to even want to live there will be task enough, but to actually make the city thrive….hopeless! Hopeless!”
The Emperor ranted for many moons about that….
***
1450 BC – Iron deposits discovered!! The Roman sub-continent has two of them, and they are both in easily defensible spots! Plans are immediately laid in to create roads to them so we can begin making use of this durable metal!
Ravenna Founded!!
1325 BC
“I’ve been thinking, Nigel.”
“Oh, Majesty…you know the doctor said that was dangerous for you!”
The Emperor shot his scribe a withering look. “That’ll be quite enough, Nigel.”
“Right…sorry sir…you were saying?”
“I want a summer Palace.”
“Very good sir! And you’ll be happy to know that we’ve got a new band of settlers about to depart from Rome! I hear that the area they’re bound for is lovely. Perhaps that would be a good place for your new home.”
“Perhaps….I think I shall accompany them to see if I like it.”
“Excellent plan Sire!”
***
The Emperor was indeed mightily pleased with the surroundings that the settlers were heading for, and duly commissioned that his summer home be built here.
In a less than inspired moment of city naming, the City Naming Division recommended the name “His Palace.”
After the department director was beheaded and a new one appointed, the name was changed to a more suitable “Hispalis.” A name that it bears to this day.
1225 BC – Viroconium Founded!
1175 BC – Lugdunum Founded!!
925 BC – Lutetia Founded!!
875 BC – Byzantium and Brundisium Founded!!
850 BC – Syracuse Founded!! From the English, we purchase contact information with the Babylonians and the Zulu! Also, in this banner year, a road to one of our iron deposits is finally connected. Several cities begin duly training and preparing our fine Legionaries.
750 BC – Road to our first luxury, furs! We have all of two luxuries (both furs) on the entire Roman sub-continent.
690 BC – Caesaraugusta Founded! Our first Legionary hits the field and marches toward “The Neck,” to give the noble and patient General Velcivius Flavius Longassus Nameus something besides a company of bone-wielding warriors to work with. We also gain the technology of writing from Babylon, and duly establish embassies all around!
“Well…a very good year, I’d say.” The Emperor was beaming.
“Quite Sire…Quite. And to think of it! It only took us 3400 years to reach this shining moment!”
The Emperor shot his scribe a withering glance. “Look at it this way…at least two of the inconsistencies have been dealt with….we have indeed met the English, which at least accounts for that ridiculous accent you seem determined to speak in, and we finally know how to write, so you can “officially” chronicle the story of Rome’s greatness.”
“And that is excellent news, especially now that we actually have the beginnings of an army! When do you think we’ll go a-conquering?”
“Soon.” Came the reply. “Soon.”
***
650 BC – Palmyra Founded!
610 BC – Jerusalem Founded!!
510 BC – Caesarea Founded, and our natural expansion has come to an end. The Roman sub-continent has been filled to capacity with Roman towns, and we are poised on the brink of greatness.
90 BC – Our army is ready for our first modest campaign. Gathered at “The Neck” and under the command of General Velcivius, Roman forces consist of:
10 Legions
4 Divisions of Roman Horse
Our objectives: To demonstrate our military superiority to the English by taking three of their cities. One of these will be given back during peace negotiations (to ensure that we get lots of tech and cash). Essentially, this invasion is simply to establish ourselves on the “English side” of the neck, with the towns captured serving as a springboard for future invasions.
So….in 90 BC, the armies of Rome invade English territory, and are met by a frantic diplomatic delegation from the English capitol of London.
According to the scribes there, the following exchange is verbatim, and began Rome’s rise to greatness:
“Why are your armies moving into English lands, Lord General Velcivius?”
“We are….on a diplomatic mission to the Land of the Zulu…nothing more.” The General said with confidence, and then he leaned to his aide and whispered, “I saw that in a movie once….we should be fine.”
The aide looked at the Lord General in a somewhat perplexed fashion, but said nothing.
“If you’re on a diplomatic mission, then WHERE is the Ambassador?!” Came the reply.
I got the distinct impression that the English diplomat might have seen the same movie….whatever that is.
“Again…we demand to know why this symbol of Roman power and authority has violated the sanctity of our borders!”
To which, our Lord General made this, now famous reply.
“Quite simply, we wish you English to know one thing in your heart of hearts.”
The General paused for a long moment and tensions mounted in the room to an almost tangible level.
When the General spoke next, his voice was a low, menacing growl.
“All your base, are belong to us….”
And so, war was declared and Rome’s die was cast….
(to be continued)
-=Vel=-
The Emperor stood on the hilltop, looking down into the valley below. A sluggish river churned silently through the midst of it, and several hundred cattle were spread out, grazing peacefully.
“Yes….yes I think this will do nicely.”
“Right then.” His scribe nodded. “I shall inform our vanguard to make haste into the valley and…”
“Nigel?” The Emperor asked.
“Yes sire?”
“Must you speak in that bizarre accent? What is that anyway?”
“An English accent sir.” Nigel replied crisply.
“English? We don’t even know if they’re in the game?”
“Oh, not to worry sir…the author wanted a certain amount of continuity in the story, so he made sure they’d appear. I suspect they’ll be along any time now, being an expansionistic civ and all.”
The Emperor raised a curious eyebrow and opened his mouth to ask another question, and then apparently thought better of it.
“Right then….I’m off to tell our followers that we’ve found a place to settle in, and from the look of it, I’d say we picked a spot that’s simply tops, what with all the cows and such.”
4000 BC Rome Founded on a river, and on land with three cows surrounding it!
“So….what’s the plan then?” Nigel asked, parchment in hand.
“Oh...the usual stuff…REX style expansion, lay claim to as much of this continent as we possibly can, find our nearest neighbors and perhaps conquer them, and most importantly, we must spread our tendency for naming towns ending in vowels and the letters “um” far and wide!”
“Are you quite sure that last bit is worth mentioning, sire?”
“QUITE.” He said authoritatively, as he allowed his gaze to linger on the herds of cattle near Rome.”
“Ahhh, and I can see His Majesty has an idea in his head.” Nigel said, preparing to write some more.
“Yes….well, a vague idea, and some general questions for you, my trusty scribe.”
“Go ahead sire.”
“First…I was wondering….see those cows yonder? It seems that our troops would serve us better if they were mounted. Perhaps we could train some of these cows for war….providing sturdy mounts for our armies.”
“Battle Cows, sire?”
“Yes. Battle Cows. Has a nice ring to it I think.”
Silence.
“Nigel…you’re quiet. What are you thinking?”
“Well sir…it’s just that…somehow I don’t think that our “Battle Cows” will do much to strike fear in the heart of the enemy, you know? I mean, the concept is sound, but…I think we should probably find a different animal.”
The Emperor considered for a moment. “Oh all right then….assign some people to study alternatives, but I want fast, mobile troops!”
“Yes Sire….as you wish.”
Nigel remained where he was.
“Well…carry on scribe, carry on! I’m a busy ruler you know!”
“Uh….right Sire…but you mentioned there was something else?”
“Oh! Yes…sorry….how is it that you can write!? We haven’t discovered that technology yet!”
Nigel smiled. “Trade secret, your Majesty. Someone has to recount your glorious story.”
“Harrumph….well….that just doesn’t seem very realistic to me.”
“Come now Sire….do you really want to get into the realism debate? If we did, you’d already be dead! Keep in mind that the average lifespan for even the healthiest of males at this point in history is only….”
The Emperor held up his hands. “All right…all right…no more discussions of realism and no “Battle Cows.” Damn….and I did like that notion, too.”
Nigel shook his head and scurried off to see that the Emperor’s wishes were carried out.
2750 BC – Veii Founded!!
“Boy….you weren’t kidding about founding cities with names ending in vowels, were you? Don’t get me wrong Sire…I like it, but….”
“You think I went a little overboard?”
Nigel nodded. “Perhaps just a bit…THREE back-to-back vowels!? That’s got to be a record.”
“Hmmm….perhaps you’re right….tell you what then….we’ll consider that we have two “credits,” meaning that we can break from our traditional city naming scheme twice now, thanks to the overabundance of vowels in Veii.”
“Very good Sire.”
2630 BC – Antium Founded!!
2110 BC – Cumae Founded!!
1725 BC – Neapolis Founded!!
“You know…I rather like this last city we’ve founded Sire.”
“Goodish name, no?”
“It is! And they make fantastic ice cream there!”
“Ice cream?”
“Yes….a little known….well, never mind all that….I don’t want to get into that whole realism argument again.”
The Emperor nodded, satisfied.
“Oh! I nearly forgot!”
“What’s that, Nigel?”
“The People love you Sire and they wish to express their gratitude for the magnificent job you have done thus far in growing our Empire.”
“Magnificent job? It’s been more than two thousand years and all I’ve managed to do is expand our holdings to include five measly cities. We don’t even have a substitute for my “Battle Cow” idea yet….Magnificent? I think not.”
“Nonetheless, the People wish to honor you.”
“Honor me how, pray tell?”
“They wish to give you a lawn and intricate walkway in front of your palace.”
“Uhhh, Nigel….in case you didn’t notice it before, I live in a cave.”
“Right…well then, in front of your cave, you shall have the finest lawn and intricate system of walkways in all the Empire! It shall be the envy of the world!”
“Don’t exaggerate Nigel.”
“Right…sorry.”
“Okay…a lawn it is then. Other news?”
“Oh! Yes! In all the lawn-excitement, I nearly forgot! We made contact with the English at a narrow land bridge that separates the “Roman Sub-Continent” from the rest of the continent we’re on. Our scouts reported that from the air, it looks something like a chicken neck, and so have taken to calling it simply “The Neck.” They have sealed it off by garrisoning a strong company of Elite Bone-Club wielding warriors there to prevent English expansion onto the Roman-Sub-Continent.”
“From the air?”
“Don’t ask.”
“More of that realism thing?”
“Something like that, yes.”
“Very well then….we shall just commend the scouts on a job well done! An excellent move indeed! Who’s idea was it?! Find out and promote that man to General! He shall be the leader of the glorious armies of Rome….as soon as we have glorious armies, that is.”
“His name, Sire, is Velcivius Flavius Longassus Nameus.”
“Bizzare, but a goodish name. Send word to him that he shall lead our armies the moment we have them.”
“Very good sire….and if I may?”
“What is it Nigel?”
“I was wondering, Majesty, if perhapsus, we shouldus talkus inus aus moreus Romanesqueus fashionus?”
“….because this is, after all, a tale of the glory of Rome? I think not, Nigel….we don’t want to get the readers annoyedus atus, which they surely would be in very short order.”
“Ahhh, good point Sire….that’s why they pay you the big bucks, as they say?”
The Emperor got a curious look on his face. “Who says that, pray tell?”
“Sorry sir….forgot myself again….Nevermind.” l Nigel said over his shoulder as he scurried off.
“Who says all that about the big bucks Nigel? Nigel?!”
And so it came to be that Velcivius Flavious Longassus Nameus became Lord General of the Armies of Rome in 1725 BC, and he was mightily pleased that his army was one that did NOT contain Battle Cows.
1650 BC – Pompeii Founded!!!
1600 BC – Pisae Founded!!!
“Pisae? Pisae??” The Emperor Roared! “I want whatever numbskull from the City Naming Division who thought that one up to be beheaded! Piss-ay…..great name….By the Gods….getting anyone to even want to live there will be task enough, but to actually make the city thrive….hopeless! Hopeless!”
The Emperor ranted for many moons about that….
1450 BC – Iron deposits discovered!! The Roman sub-continent has two of them, and they are both in easily defensible spots! Plans are immediately laid in to create roads to them so we can begin making use of this durable metal!
Ravenna Founded!!
1325 BC
“I’ve been thinking, Nigel.”
“Oh, Majesty…you know the doctor said that was dangerous for you!”
The Emperor shot his scribe a withering look. “That’ll be quite enough, Nigel.”
“Right…sorry sir…you were saying?”
“I want a summer Palace.”
“Very good sir! And you’ll be happy to know that we’ve got a new band of settlers about to depart from Rome! I hear that the area they’re bound for is lovely. Perhaps that would be a good place for your new home.”
“Perhaps….I think I shall accompany them to see if I like it.”
“Excellent plan Sire!”
The Emperor was indeed mightily pleased with the surroundings that the settlers were heading for, and duly commissioned that his summer home be built here.
In a less than inspired moment of city naming, the City Naming Division recommended the name “His Palace.”
After the department director was beheaded and a new one appointed, the name was changed to a more suitable “Hispalis.” A name that it bears to this day.
1225 BC – Viroconium Founded!
1175 BC – Lugdunum Founded!!
925 BC – Lutetia Founded!!
875 BC – Byzantium and Brundisium Founded!!
850 BC – Syracuse Founded!! From the English, we purchase contact information with the Babylonians and the Zulu! Also, in this banner year, a road to one of our iron deposits is finally connected. Several cities begin duly training and preparing our fine Legionaries.
750 BC – Road to our first luxury, furs! We have all of two luxuries (both furs) on the entire Roman sub-continent.
690 BC – Caesaraugusta Founded! Our first Legionary hits the field and marches toward “The Neck,” to give the noble and patient General Velcivius Flavius Longassus Nameus something besides a company of bone-wielding warriors to work with. We also gain the technology of writing from Babylon, and duly establish embassies all around!
“Well…a very good year, I’d say.” The Emperor was beaming.
“Quite Sire…Quite. And to think of it! It only took us 3400 years to reach this shining moment!”
The Emperor shot his scribe a withering glance. “Look at it this way…at least two of the inconsistencies have been dealt with….we have indeed met the English, which at least accounts for that ridiculous accent you seem determined to speak in, and we finally know how to write, so you can “officially” chronicle the story of Rome’s greatness.”
“And that is excellent news, especially now that we actually have the beginnings of an army! When do you think we’ll go a-conquering?”
“Soon.” Came the reply. “Soon.”
650 BC – Palmyra Founded!
610 BC – Jerusalem Founded!!
510 BC – Caesarea Founded, and our natural expansion has come to an end. The Roman sub-continent has been filled to capacity with Roman towns, and we are poised on the brink of greatness.
90 BC – Our army is ready for our first modest campaign. Gathered at “The Neck” and under the command of General Velcivius, Roman forces consist of:
10 Legions
4 Divisions of Roman Horse
Our objectives: To demonstrate our military superiority to the English by taking three of their cities. One of these will be given back during peace negotiations (to ensure that we get lots of tech and cash). Essentially, this invasion is simply to establish ourselves on the “English side” of the neck, with the towns captured serving as a springboard for future invasions.
So….in 90 BC, the armies of Rome invade English territory, and are met by a frantic diplomatic delegation from the English capitol of London.
According to the scribes there, the following exchange is verbatim, and began Rome’s rise to greatness:
“Why are your armies moving into English lands, Lord General Velcivius?”
“We are….on a diplomatic mission to the Land of the Zulu…nothing more.” The General said with confidence, and then he leaned to his aide and whispered, “I saw that in a movie once….we should be fine.”
The aide looked at the Lord General in a somewhat perplexed fashion, but said nothing.
“If you’re on a diplomatic mission, then WHERE is the Ambassador?!” Came the reply.
I got the distinct impression that the English diplomat might have seen the same movie….whatever that is.
“Again…we demand to know why this symbol of Roman power and authority has violated the sanctity of our borders!”
To which, our Lord General made this, now famous reply.
“Quite simply, we wish you English to know one thing in your heart of hearts.”
The General paused for a long moment and tensions mounted in the room to an almost tangible level.
When the General spoke next, his voice was a low, menacing growl.
“All your base, are belong to us….”
And so, war was declared and Rome’s die was cast….
(to be continued)
-=Vel=-
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