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The mighty Headcheese of the Champignons, Septembrius Cheesar was trying to get some amusement out of the regular run-of-the-mill shows on the local Coliseum of “Up the River”, the glorious capital city of the mighty Champignon civilization, when his trusted councilor Bullius O’Bullius came in with an urgent message.
“Hail Headcheese! May the gods cut years off me and grant you days. May the sun…”
“Oh, shut up right now” mumbled the great leader, watching another gladiator biting the dust after a successful blow with the gladius the other guy carried. “Why do you bother me while I am bored to death by this” – pointing out in the general direction of the gladiators – “rubbish? Let’s hope it’s something serious”.
“Oh, great Headcheese of the mighty Champignons, there is great need of your presence and your wise decisions. There is a catastrophe ahead of us, unless we are able to strike like the Puma and…”
“STOP IT you moron! What is this puma crap, what is going on that needs the emperors attention?”
“My Lord, we are facing an immediate threat of a ravaging war, a war that shall bring our glorious nation to the knees and…”
“Can’t you be more specific?”, asked the emperor, with only his eyebrows showing that the breathless council managed to finally get his attention for good.
“My glorious headcheese, those infidels, the traitorous Romans have finished their war against the French and are making some absurd demands. They have great numbers of Legions stationed across our borders and some are even trespassing our own territory. We have to deal with them”.
Moaning the great emperor stood up and started to walk up and down the imperial theorion.
“What has gotten into Julius’s mind, I mean we were always good friends and the such and his people have always been in awe of our culture… I even provide him with horses, they don’t have any bleeding horses in the Roman gooddamn Empire, do they???”
“Master they have iron deposits… lots of them. And they are building up powerful legions – and the only thing we’ve got is a number of hoplites at those forts close to the borders… and lots of temples, libraries, marketplaces, courthouses and coliseums… those cannot fight”.
“What? You question MY policy? You believe you could rule the Champignon civilization better than I do? You, you, you…”
The councilor shrugs and falls to his knees, trembling the wrath of the mighty headcheese
“No, my master, no I am a trusted subject of yours, I always served you well and I never questioned your authority, I am your humble servant”
“Good, you vermin, that is what you are supposed to be. So, where is that messenger? I want to hear what he’s got to say”.
A few minutes later the great headcheese of the Champignons was in his throne room, in the magnificent palace facing the “We love the Headcheese” square of “Up the River”. Far in the horizon to the west one could see the head of the great Colossus who guarded the Imperial port of “Up the River” and to the south the mighty Pyramid could be seen. “Such a glorious civilization, with those magnificent pieces of art and skill and intellect… ready to submit to the barbarian siblings of Rome? Never!” thought the great leader.
The messenger was brought in front of him. It was a tall man, with black hair and what could be the start of a smile painted on his face. He kneeled in front of Cheesar and started to talk.
“Your cheesiness, I have a plea to make on behalf of my master, the Great Julious Ceasar, emperor of Rome. He wants to tell your highness that 30 Roman legions are waiting his order to invade Champignon territory so this message is not to taken lightly”.
The senators and the generals in the throne room got annoyed, but a vicious look from Cheesar was enough to restore peace. “Carry on, little man”, he said to the messenger.
“Your greatness must understand how severe this situation is and how…”
“I understood it you moron now tell me what your master wants. NOW!”
“My master wants the magnificent but yet not too strong Champignon empire to share with him it’s secret of Monotheism and also provide Rome with some very needed wines – it was a bad year for Roman vineyards and we are out of primo vino”
“And what are you giving for all that?”
“But… our eternal friendship and gratitude, what else?”
“Tell your master that he can find another idiot to negotiate under that terms”.
“In that case, I am afraid I have to tell you that Rome is now in war with Champignon”.
“OK… guards, behead that idiot… not in here you fools, you wanna destroy this expensive mosaic with filthy roman blood? Outside!”
The leader of the Champignons was a proud man. Of Greek origin, he and his people, settled in this land many, many years ago. They had to deal with the mighty Persian kingdom before they could establish themselves in the region, but they managed to early push them back, thanks to the superior Greek hoplites fighting skills. After eliminating the Persian resistance, they managed to even gain a couple of cities. Later, under the strong and determined rule of headcheese Septembrius Cheesar, they managed to achieve illustrious heights in science and culture, but gradually fell back in terms of military skill and might.
Now, 4000 years after the first establishment of Champignon rule, they face the first real threat to their existence, a massive Roman invasion. The Roman have crushed the French and took some land from the Germans, in the Great War - a warring event that lasted 500 years and gradually engaged almost every single power of the world.
Only the Champignon and their trusted allies, the Egyptians, were not dragged into the turmoil. Both prospered during the times of war trading with all the combatants and developing their culture.
Ravaged from the ongoing war, a couple of Roman cities decided to join the glorious Champignon civilization and so did a German city. But now the war is over, Rome has an abundance of Legions ready and out from the heat of battle… and they are facing Champignon.
Cheesar didn’t waste time. He called immediately the Egyptian ambassador. Much for his surprise, the ambassador wasn’t within reach. He had disappeared. Later on the same day spies reported that Egypt and Rome have signed a mutual pact to fend of… Champignon aggression? Inconceivable… but true.
The very next day hoards of ravaging Legions, and fast moving war chariots (both accompanied by many horsemen) swarmed Champignon ground. The outpost cities fell one after another. “Hills All over” was the first to fall, and next came “Two Horses”. Then “Jolly Spot” and “Gold Rush” fell too… there was no turning point. The few knights in their shiny armor couldn’t do much – they got overwhelmed along with the hoplites that stood in the way of the enemy hordes.
All his pleas for peace were ignored and the once great headcheese of the Champignon civilization sitting in his empty palace – the court has fled while Roman hordes were approaching Up The River – thought of his vanity and his arrogance that cost him a kingdom…
“Hail Headcheese! May the gods cut years off me and grant you days. May the sun…”
“Oh, shut up right now” mumbled the great leader, watching another gladiator biting the dust after a successful blow with the gladius the other guy carried. “Why do you bother me while I am bored to death by this” – pointing out in the general direction of the gladiators – “rubbish? Let’s hope it’s something serious”.
“Oh, great Headcheese of the mighty Champignons, there is great need of your presence and your wise decisions. There is a catastrophe ahead of us, unless we are able to strike like the Puma and…”
“STOP IT you moron! What is this puma crap, what is going on that needs the emperors attention?”
“My Lord, we are facing an immediate threat of a ravaging war, a war that shall bring our glorious nation to the knees and…”
“Can’t you be more specific?”, asked the emperor, with only his eyebrows showing that the breathless council managed to finally get his attention for good.
“My glorious headcheese, those infidels, the traitorous Romans have finished their war against the French and are making some absurd demands. They have great numbers of Legions stationed across our borders and some are even trespassing our own territory. We have to deal with them”.
Moaning the great emperor stood up and started to walk up and down the imperial theorion.
“What has gotten into Julius’s mind, I mean we were always good friends and the such and his people have always been in awe of our culture… I even provide him with horses, they don’t have any bleeding horses in the Roman gooddamn Empire, do they???”
“Master they have iron deposits… lots of them. And they are building up powerful legions – and the only thing we’ve got is a number of hoplites at those forts close to the borders… and lots of temples, libraries, marketplaces, courthouses and coliseums… those cannot fight”.
“What? You question MY policy? You believe you could rule the Champignon civilization better than I do? You, you, you…”
The councilor shrugs and falls to his knees, trembling the wrath of the mighty headcheese
“No, my master, no I am a trusted subject of yours, I always served you well and I never questioned your authority, I am your humble servant”
“Good, you vermin, that is what you are supposed to be. So, where is that messenger? I want to hear what he’s got to say”.
A few minutes later the great headcheese of the Champignons was in his throne room, in the magnificent palace facing the “We love the Headcheese” square of “Up the River”. Far in the horizon to the west one could see the head of the great Colossus who guarded the Imperial port of “Up the River” and to the south the mighty Pyramid could be seen. “Such a glorious civilization, with those magnificent pieces of art and skill and intellect… ready to submit to the barbarian siblings of Rome? Never!” thought the great leader.
The messenger was brought in front of him. It was a tall man, with black hair and what could be the start of a smile painted on his face. He kneeled in front of Cheesar and started to talk.
“Your cheesiness, I have a plea to make on behalf of my master, the Great Julious Ceasar, emperor of Rome. He wants to tell your highness that 30 Roman legions are waiting his order to invade Champignon territory so this message is not to taken lightly”.
The senators and the generals in the throne room got annoyed, but a vicious look from Cheesar was enough to restore peace. “Carry on, little man”, he said to the messenger.
“Your greatness must understand how severe this situation is and how…”
“I understood it you moron now tell me what your master wants. NOW!”
“My master wants the magnificent but yet not too strong Champignon empire to share with him it’s secret of Monotheism and also provide Rome with some very needed wines – it was a bad year for Roman vineyards and we are out of primo vino”
“And what are you giving for all that?”
“But… our eternal friendship and gratitude, what else?”
“Tell your master that he can find another idiot to negotiate under that terms”.
“In that case, I am afraid I have to tell you that Rome is now in war with Champignon”.
“OK… guards, behead that idiot… not in here you fools, you wanna destroy this expensive mosaic with filthy roman blood? Outside!”
The leader of the Champignons was a proud man. Of Greek origin, he and his people, settled in this land many, many years ago. They had to deal with the mighty Persian kingdom before they could establish themselves in the region, but they managed to early push them back, thanks to the superior Greek hoplites fighting skills. After eliminating the Persian resistance, they managed to even gain a couple of cities. Later, under the strong and determined rule of headcheese Septembrius Cheesar, they managed to achieve illustrious heights in science and culture, but gradually fell back in terms of military skill and might.
Now, 4000 years after the first establishment of Champignon rule, they face the first real threat to their existence, a massive Roman invasion. The Roman have crushed the French and took some land from the Germans, in the Great War - a warring event that lasted 500 years and gradually engaged almost every single power of the world.
Only the Champignon and their trusted allies, the Egyptians, were not dragged into the turmoil. Both prospered during the times of war trading with all the combatants and developing their culture.
Ravaged from the ongoing war, a couple of Roman cities decided to join the glorious Champignon civilization and so did a German city. But now the war is over, Rome has an abundance of Legions ready and out from the heat of battle… and they are facing Champignon.
Cheesar didn’t waste time. He called immediately the Egyptian ambassador. Much for his surprise, the ambassador wasn’t within reach. He had disappeared. Later on the same day spies reported that Egypt and Rome have signed a mutual pact to fend of… Champignon aggression? Inconceivable… but true.
The very next day hoards of ravaging Legions, and fast moving war chariots (both accompanied by many horsemen) swarmed Champignon ground. The outpost cities fell one after another. “Hills All over” was the first to fall, and next came “Two Horses”. Then “Jolly Spot” and “Gold Rush” fell too… there was no turning point. The few knights in their shiny armor couldn’t do much – they got overwhelmed along with the hoplites that stood in the way of the enemy hordes.
All his pleas for peace were ignored and the once great headcheese of the Champignon civilization sitting in his empty palace – the court has fled while Roman hordes were approaching Up The River – thought of his vanity and his arrogance that cost him a kingdom…
nice 
good to see humorous stories too around here
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