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This is about the Japanese invasion of China in World War II.
A Busy Winter in the Park
"Good evening everyone and thanks for being with us here at Kusai Nihon Evening News. I'm Makiko Urusai and with me here tonight at the radio station is Kaowa Minikuiyo who is a spokesperson for the local governor in Bose. Over to you Minikuiyo-san."
"Thank you Makiko and first I'd like to give the listeners a short rundown of the situation here in Bose." Minikuiyo spoke in the sloppy, slurred way so typical of government officials which gave listeners the feeling that his mouth was full of mud or something worse.
"We've been sitting here on the border of the buckies... uhhh... thats the current slang for Chinese for those who don't know... and we are continuing a stalemate which has gone on for more than 3 years now."
Makiko interrupted, "And have the Chinese reciprocated with a derrogative term for us Japanese?"
"Yes they have. 'Yappies' is the term they use for us which means 'bad man on bicycle' in Chinese. You can now see that their arrogance knows no limits."
Makiko's voice cringed. "How rude. And could you tell us how our families back home feel about this stagnated war?"
"Uhhhh back at home the war has become quite sentimental for most folks and they would be perfectly happy if things did not change. Heck my wife even told me she'd feed me poisoned blowfish if I ever got transferred back home and she didn't sound like she was joking. She's been happier than a salaryman in a porno shop ever since I left for China."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Next I think our listeners would really like to hear what its like living on the front line. Most of the news that people hear is about the grand strategic stalemate which leaves them wondering what's actually going on down here."
Minikuiyo slurred on, "Uhhhh... ya. I was lucky to be assigned to Bose with the river seperating us from the buckies cause it washes all the bodies downriver towards Macao and Hong Kong. You should see what's happening in the Nanjing area. We got a bridgehead inland of three provinces and our people are surrounded by countless minions of buckies."
He paused for an extended coughing and gagging session which ended with the sound of a blob of bubbly yellow guck hitting the floor. "As I was saying, the fighting there never ends and the casualties are fantastic. I think more people are being killed around Nanjing than die from smoking in Tokyo. Its unreal. The dead bodies are piled up real high and neither side has any interest in dealing with the festering heap. The war has degraded into a pushing contest: us with our heavy construction bulldozers against thousands of buckies pushing by hand from the other side. The stinky pile goes back and forth every day along the whole front line. Its been termed 'The Mobile Cemetary' by the soldiers."
Makiko piped up again, "Ewww, that must be disgusting for our poor boys to put up with. Its hard to believe the Chinese would do such a low and dirty thing even during a war. Why aren't our troops doing something to stop the Chinese from pushing the pile back onto our side? "
"Oh they tried. At first they opened up with machine guns, artillery, even air strikes to reduce the pushing hordes but all it does is add to the problem if you see what I mean. They just kept rounding up more pushers to do the work. Our army had to stop shooting before it ran out of ammo. As for us, the bulldozers got pretty big blades infront which stops small arms fire. The buckies do manage to sneak the odd shot over the top of the blades and pick off an operator here and there but its not a big deal. Our officers tried to negotiate with China to have the pile cleaned up by both sides and initially the buckies agreed to cooperate."
"So what went wrong?" asked Makiko.
"We tried to rationalize with them that for every Japanese soldier going down under fire, at least 4 buckies were smitten in return. Therefore we told them they had to clean up 80% of the pile while we did 20%. All that request achieved was to add the negotiators from both sides to the pile."
Makiko waited patiently while Minikuiyo had another coughing and spewing fit before she continued the interview. "Then its true how our government tells us the Chinese have no common sense. And now could you tell us about the infamous China deeds which have been making headlines recently."
"Uhhh the China deeds... nasty stuff. Everybody listening, do not get mixed up in that mess if you value your health." sputtered Minikuiyo.
"So could you explain what they are about and what's so bad about them?"
The slurring went on, "Uhhh okay. Um, our government was not sure how to deal with the lands we acquired during our invasion of China, especially since the original low quality terrain was made even more undesirable by war affliction. You've seen the pictures of artillery and bomb devastion in the newspapers. The land is useless and littered with shell holes, rotting bodies, debris and what not."
He continued, "To make things simple, our government decided to sell the land off to private investors at negative property values."
Makiko was confused, "Excuse me? Negative property values?"
Minikuiyo half-barked, half-slurred his response if such a combination was possible. "The government pays people cash to take the deeds which makes perfect sense cause the land is really a stinking mess. Its the job of the 'investors' to clean the land up or at least to endure it. A condition of the contract is that the owners must live on the land for a minimum of 7 years and there are lots of other limitations like maximum number of acres per person etc."
"That's a very logical thing for the government to do." said Makiko. "And why...?"
"Yeah yeah, getting to the bad part. You don't think I'd leave the meat outta my story do ya? Hehe, and you know what? After receiving their cash and deeds, the 'buyers' head right on over to Tokyo Metropolitan Park to bury them there. Its a back-breaking dig with all the roots tangled up in the floor of the park and the topsoil is quite hard this time of year."
"Oh dear." gasped Makiko. "That's so dirty and cheap. Why do they choose Tokyo Park to dispense with the deeds?"
"Because the park provides the fastest rate of biodegradability of any non-concrete surface in the city. And Tokyo's where the deeds are sold. Now let me tell you, the government is aware this is happening and is not happy at all. They got military police lined up practically shoulder to shoulder around that big park. Well not quite, but there is a lot of them part-timers there who could be better used out here doing garrison duty. They got patrols with dogs working the inside of the park too. People caught in the act of burying deeds are beheaded by katana on the spot. Several innocent people burying their doggy-do while out for a nice walk with their mutts were apparently given the treatment as well, their dogs along with them. And what's more, anyone going there for a stroll gets strip searched on the way in. I can sure say that the old folks who practice their Tai Chi in the park every morning are none too pleased about getting butt naked in the chilly six am breeze."
"Wow that's pretty tight. Has anyone actually succeeded in burying a deed there since that draconian guard system was initiated?" asked Makiko.
"Oh yeah, they try constantly. Some are dumb and others are creative. A favorite technique is to pay some high school girls in their sailor moon uniforms to entice the guards away with spicy talk and extra short skirts while the baddies sneak in to 'do their deed'. You know its been awhile since the rape of Nanjing so the recruits are getting restless. And the other day, an air force transport pilot was bribed to parachute a baddy into the middle of the park at night time. Unfortunately for him, the parachuter landed near a park patrol and was immediately apprehended."
Makiko's voice lit up with excitement, "And what happened to him?"
"Um, lets just say that the police mug shut which followed was fairly lacking in descriptive imagery."
"Okay I get it." Makiko giggled. "So Minikuiyo-san, how do you know so well about the difficult digging conditions in the park? Did you try too?"
"Me? Uh no. Hyuk hyuk. I spoke with a park maintenance staff who told me about it. Hyuk."
Makiko was getting curious, "But you are a bit far from Tokyo being here in China to do that aren't you?"
"No no, I was on leave in Tokyo last month for a couple of weeks."
"Oh, so you got a deed and buried it during your leave? No? I don't think there are any park staff in winter are there? I'm just guessing. So how could you have talked to someone?"
The sound of a door opening in the background could be heard.
"Now now... don't be thinking too much you hear me? Ummm why are you guards here? Gentlemen please keep the katana sheathed. No need for that, especially with children listening in. This is a family program you know."
Makiko took over, "Everyone thanks for joining us tonight. We're out of time for this interview and it looks like Minikuiyo is out of time too by the looks of it. Please stay tuned for Megumi the Enka Queen to enchant you with her moaning lullabies."
The End
A Busy Winter in the Park
"Good evening everyone and thanks for being with us here at Kusai Nihon Evening News. I'm Makiko Urusai and with me here tonight at the radio station is Kaowa Minikuiyo who is a spokesperson for the local governor in Bose. Over to you Minikuiyo-san."
"Thank you Makiko and first I'd like to give the listeners a short rundown of the situation here in Bose." Minikuiyo spoke in the sloppy, slurred way so typical of government officials which gave listeners the feeling that his mouth was full of mud or something worse.
"We've been sitting here on the border of the buckies... uhhh... thats the current slang for Chinese for those who don't know... and we are continuing a stalemate which has gone on for more than 3 years now."
Makiko interrupted, "And have the Chinese reciprocated with a derrogative term for us Japanese?"
"Yes they have. 'Yappies' is the term they use for us which means 'bad man on bicycle' in Chinese. You can now see that their arrogance knows no limits."
Makiko's voice cringed. "How rude. And could you tell us how our families back home feel about this stagnated war?"
"Uhhhh back at home the war has become quite sentimental for most folks and they would be perfectly happy if things did not change. Heck my wife even told me she'd feed me poisoned blowfish if I ever got transferred back home and she didn't sound like she was joking. She's been happier than a salaryman in a porno shop ever since I left for China."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Next I think our listeners would really like to hear what its like living on the front line. Most of the news that people hear is about the grand strategic stalemate which leaves them wondering what's actually going on down here."
Minikuiyo slurred on, "Uhhhh... ya. I was lucky to be assigned to Bose with the river seperating us from the buckies cause it washes all the bodies downriver towards Macao and Hong Kong. You should see what's happening in the Nanjing area. We got a bridgehead inland of three provinces and our people are surrounded by countless minions of buckies."
He paused for an extended coughing and gagging session which ended with the sound of a blob of bubbly yellow guck hitting the floor. "As I was saying, the fighting there never ends and the casualties are fantastic. I think more people are being killed around Nanjing than die from smoking in Tokyo. Its unreal. The dead bodies are piled up real high and neither side has any interest in dealing with the festering heap. The war has degraded into a pushing contest: us with our heavy construction bulldozers against thousands of buckies pushing by hand from the other side. The stinky pile goes back and forth every day along the whole front line. Its been termed 'The Mobile Cemetary' by the soldiers."
Makiko piped up again, "Ewww, that must be disgusting for our poor boys to put up with. Its hard to believe the Chinese would do such a low and dirty thing even during a war. Why aren't our troops doing something to stop the Chinese from pushing the pile back onto our side? "
"Oh they tried. At first they opened up with machine guns, artillery, even air strikes to reduce the pushing hordes but all it does is add to the problem if you see what I mean. They just kept rounding up more pushers to do the work. Our army had to stop shooting before it ran out of ammo. As for us, the bulldozers got pretty big blades infront which stops small arms fire. The buckies do manage to sneak the odd shot over the top of the blades and pick off an operator here and there but its not a big deal. Our officers tried to negotiate with China to have the pile cleaned up by both sides and initially the buckies agreed to cooperate."
"So what went wrong?" asked Makiko.
"We tried to rationalize with them that for every Japanese soldier going down under fire, at least 4 buckies were smitten in return. Therefore we told them they had to clean up 80% of the pile while we did 20%. All that request achieved was to add the negotiators from both sides to the pile."
Makiko waited patiently while Minikuiyo had another coughing and spewing fit before she continued the interview. "Then its true how our government tells us the Chinese have no common sense. And now could you tell us about the infamous China deeds which have been making headlines recently."
"Uhhh the China deeds... nasty stuff. Everybody listening, do not get mixed up in that mess if you value your health." sputtered Minikuiyo.
"So could you explain what they are about and what's so bad about them?"
The slurring went on, "Uhhh okay. Um, our government was not sure how to deal with the lands we acquired during our invasion of China, especially since the original low quality terrain was made even more undesirable by war affliction. You've seen the pictures of artillery and bomb devastion in the newspapers. The land is useless and littered with shell holes, rotting bodies, debris and what not."
He continued, "To make things simple, our government decided to sell the land off to private investors at negative property values."
Makiko was confused, "Excuse me? Negative property values?"
Minikuiyo half-barked, half-slurred his response if such a combination was possible. "The government pays people cash to take the deeds which makes perfect sense cause the land is really a stinking mess. Its the job of the 'investors' to clean the land up or at least to endure it. A condition of the contract is that the owners must live on the land for a minimum of 7 years and there are lots of other limitations like maximum number of acres per person etc."
"That's a very logical thing for the government to do." said Makiko. "And why...?"
"Yeah yeah, getting to the bad part. You don't think I'd leave the meat outta my story do ya? Hehe, and you know what? After receiving their cash and deeds, the 'buyers' head right on over to Tokyo Metropolitan Park to bury them there. Its a back-breaking dig with all the roots tangled up in the floor of the park and the topsoil is quite hard this time of year."
"Oh dear." gasped Makiko. "That's so dirty and cheap. Why do they choose Tokyo Park to dispense with the deeds?"
"Because the park provides the fastest rate of biodegradability of any non-concrete surface in the city. And Tokyo's where the deeds are sold. Now let me tell you, the government is aware this is happening and is not happy at all. They got military police lined up practically shoulder to shoulder around that big park. Well not quite, but there is a lot of them part-timers there who could be better used out here doing garrison duty. They got patrols with dogs working the inside of the park too. People caught in the act of burying deeds are beheaded by katana on the spot. Several innocent people burying their doggy-do while out for a nice walk with their mutts were apparently given the treatment as well, their dogs along with them. And what's more, anyone going there for a stroll gets strip searched on the way in. I can sure say that the old folks who practice their Tai Chi in the park every morning are none too pleased about getting butt naked in the chilly six am breeze."
"Wow that's pretty tight. Has anyone actually succeeded in burying a deed there since that draconian guard system was initiated?" asked Makiko.
"Oh yeah, they try constantly. Some are dumb and others are creative. A favorite technique is to pay some high school girls in their sailor moon uniforms to entice the guards away with spicy talk and extra short skirts while the baddies sneak in to 'do their deed'. You know its been awhile since the rape of Nanjing so the recruits are getting restless. And the other day, an air force transport pilot was bribed to parachute a baddy into the middle of the park at night time. Unfortunately for him, the parachuter landed near a park patrol and was immediately apprehended."
Makiko's voice lit up with excitement, "And what happened to him?"
"Um, lets just say that the police mug shut which followed was fairly lacking in descriptive imagery."
"Okay I get it." Makiko giggled. "So Minikuiyo-san, how do you know so well about the difficult digging conditions in the park? Did you try too?"
"Me? Uh no. Hyuk hyuk. I spoke with a park maintenance staff who told me about it. Hyuk."
Makiko was getting curious, "But you are a bit far from Tokyo being here in China to do that aren't you?"
"No no, I was on leave in Tokyo last month for a couple of weeks."
"Oh, so you got a deed and buried it during your leave? No? I don't think there are any park staff in winter are there? I'm just guessing. So how could you have talked to someone?"
The sound of a door opening in the background could be heard.
"Now now... don't be thinking too much you hear me? Ummm why are you guards here? Gentlemen please keep the katana sheathed. No need for that, especially with children listening in. This is a family program you know."
Makiko took over, "Everyone thanks for joining us tonight. We're out of time for this interview and it looks like Minikuiyo is out of time too by the looks of it. Please stay tuned for Megumi the Enka Queen to enchant you with her moaning lullabies."
The End
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