A used car salesman in Napolonic Europe

[joncnunn]

Soon after Napolean is made head of the Directory in Europe, a used car sales men from the US mysteriously appears in Napolean's palace.

Napolean: What in going on here! How did you get in?

The used car salesman men looks slightly down into Napolean's eye, and says "Greetings Napolean, I have come back in time to ensure your domination over Europe, so that you will be known for more than just liking your icecream being a mix of Vanilla, Chocolote, and Strawberry in equal porportions"

Napolean: Ah yes, that's always been my favorite icecream, but my armies are already to go and can quickly conquer the contientant Europe without help.

Used car salesman : Yes, but the English & Russians will intervene, and the English navy seriously outnumbers yours while the Russians are protected by old man winter. Are there enough factories anywhere in France to supply your army for minus thirty celesusis weather?

Napolean: No, but I'd just invade in the spring to reach Moscow before Winter.

Used car salesman: Won't work, those Russians would just tear up what little good roads they have, and burn their crops to the ground. Most of the territory you'd be passing thru is occuplied by Poles so the Russians don't care about the number of civilian Polish casulaties. But I have a plan that would get them and most other countries in Europe to turn over all but their capitals to you without you invaded?

Napolean: Your obviously out of your mind ...

Used car salesman: Just send the Spanish ambassor over and you'll see, no cost to you in I'm wrong.

Napolean: Okay.

Spanish advisor enters.

Used Car Salesman: How would you feel about a Mutal Protection Pact between France and Spain?

Spanish advisor: Your military is so strong that I'd give most any four cities to France in exchange.

Napolean : Your four eastern most.

Spanish advisor: Deal! Shakes hands and leaves.

Used car salesman, I sugest we call the Austrian empire next.

Austrian empire arrives:

Used Car Salesman: How would you feel about a Mutal Protection Pact between France and Austria. Note that Spain has already signed.

Austrian advisor : Your combined military is so strong that I'd give every city except our Vienna, our capital.

Napeolan : Deal!

Used Car Salesman: I sugest Prussia next. Continue with rest of main European powers except England and their two lapdogs, and call upon Ottoman Empire followed by Russia last.

They do so, and Napolean's empire indeed has grown to all non captial cities of civs not actually at war except for Spain.

Napoelan, what now?

Used Car Salesman: Just wait one turn, no need to defend the new cities, England and her cronnies can't take enough cities this turn to bring your empire below 66% of Europe's territory nor population. Trust me.

Napolean does so, and indeed dispite France losing two cities, England and her allies conceed a domination victory to France.

The Used Car Salesman then tries to enter his time machine to return home, but is surprized when it doesn't work and he's still there.

Used Car Salesman: What the *(&^^! I should be back in the present.

Napolean : You've altered the past, and altered your future, there's probably not even a timemachine in the new future. But don't worry, France needs more salemen.

[Antrine]

Clever story! Except there are other 'occult' considerations in order to have a 'domination' victory. A vortex of 'sovereignty' passes around the planet cyclically every 6000 plus years give or take a few centuries. Having long since passed through Indus, Babylon, Ancient Palestine, (when the giants lived there) on over Greece to Rome. Then on up whirling through France to LONDON before it will cross over the atlantic to settle in Washington DC for a season until now, then move across the US to Seattle, where centuries from now it will move up to the lower heavens before again droping down in China completing a long cycle encompassing many, many seasons. Some cycles circle lower sweeping through Northern Africa and Central America etc. (that was a cycle long past).

So here is problem, No domination victory in Europe is possiple unless Napoleon occupies London, de fact oh. Breaking up Old England to her previous parts. Two of which most be politically controlled. Such as Wales and Scotland would do.

This is why your Time machine will not work. For any wizard knows (you need to change professions) that a time machine is not dependant on how time-line spill out, for they are just a bunch of ribbons. Like DNA if you could see them (as some mystics can).

So back to school with you, fortunately, Napoleon is a student of the occult and there is an island in the Meditteraen where you can take a ship to and study. (better be a trade ship though, considering the British sea domoninance). Sea dominance is critical! Forget making cold weather factories, for that matter forget Russia all together! Make more ships!!!! You might need a 3 to 1 advantage at sea to actually pull this off. So get to it.

Oh, Napoleon had 'wizards' on his staff, so BEWARE!

[Paddy]

joncnunn,

that is great stuff

quick, witty and well put together

thank you


oh, more please

[joncnunn]

Antrine, all the stories I write are based upon my games in Conquests. C3C counts this as a victory. (Only 60 points but still a W.) In that particular conquest, no country has enough territory nor population to block a domination victory on turn 1, and the dumb AI will trade cities away to either France or England in exchange for a MPP because of how much military units these two major powers start with realtive to everyone else.

[Antrine]

Maybe, your game was a ‘cosmic vision’ in disguise, were you playing on Deity or Sid level? Anyway, great take or satire on a dysfunctional Conquest!

I never got past turn one on that Conquest, though I certainly love the history of the time period. (P.S. I am among other things, a rare book collector, and I have an English translation of a certain book of Napoleon's personal library (purportedly of course; and I will not admit what I paid for it!) Want to guess what kind of subject matter? My trite addendum to your story is a hint.

[SKILORD]

clever.

[unscratchedfoot]

This is weird. How did you get them to give away all their cities just for a mutual pact? Why did you call the one guy a used carsalesman? I was expecting him to try and dupe napolean in the end but he just got stuck back in time so I thought the ending was a bit of a let down. Antrine, what are you on about? Are you into the occult or something? You bought an expensive occult book from Napolean?

[Antrine]

Sure, I just jumped into my time-machine and helped myself to His Majesty's Library. If that used car salesman would like to get back, my price isn't too high

unscratchedfoot, I do not believe I admitted to being into anything, just history!

Trust me

[Paddy]

Originally posted by Antrine
Sure, I just jumped into my time-machine and helped myself to His Majesty's Library. If that used car salesman would like to get back, my price isn't too high

unscratchedfoot, I do not believe I admitted to being into anything, just history!

Trust me

indeed - and if they attack the car, save the radio

[SKILORD]

Also the time machine isn't mentioned in the story's beginning. What I'[d do is just tell the story from the perspective of the salesman (maybe even 1st person) to have this and to give the character a little more girth so that we are all genuinely upset by his inability to get home.

Also, Napoleon explains his problem to him... why Napoleon? Does Napoleon really know that much about the mechanics of time travel? But you see you don't provide any other character who might do that... maybe add in a philosopher character for him to befriend to postulate this at the end....

But all of this would make your story a lot longer.... it's problematic.

[unscratchedfoot]

well maybe Napolean does have a book about time travel in his personal library where Atrine was getting books from. Atrine, your earlier posts had me swimming in delerium. I couldn't make heads or tails of what you were talking about. I like Napolean. He borrowed money to put together an army and then went around making war at every chance just for fun of it. Really there was no logic to his warfare, just causing mayhem and castrophe. Not quite as cool as Atilla the Hun but close.

[Antrine]

Historically, 'occult' only meant hidden or secret information. My English weighs in at about 1910 due to the literature I have favored these many years.

And about Napoleon or European wars, unless you controlled the seas as the British Empire did or the Spanish Empire before them, you could 'control' all the turf you wanted but 'domination' would still elude you. Point in reference we (the dasdardly over-reacting and over-reaching US) effectively control said world largely by following the British empires model of sea domination now with air added thereto. That is with World Class Aircraft Carrier Battle Groups. I forget now how many we have, however it is more than the rest of world combined and is VERY expensive and effective.

[unscratchedfoot]

Originally posted by Antrine
Historically, 'occult' only meant hidden or secret information. My English weighs in at about 1910 due to the literature I have favored these many years.

And about Napoleon or European wars, unless you controlled the seas as the British Empire did or the Spanish Empire before them, you could 'control' all the turf you wanted but 'domination' would still elude you. Point in reference we (the dasdardly over-reacting and over-reaching US) effectively control said world largely by following the British empires model of sea domination now with air added thereto. That is with World Class Aircraft Carrier Battle Groups. I forget now how many we have, however it is more than the rest of world combined and is VERY expensive and effective.

What is 1910 mean? Is that like in chess where 1910 is like an expert? So what does it mean if you have a high literature stat? Can you talk like Macbeth fluently?

As for US navy, I think you are overrating it cause the navy is much less significant now than in the age of sail because the majority of overseas shipments and people transfers is done by air. If another country threatened the US by sea, they'd by sunk by air units, not naval, though probably from a carrier if not from landbased B-52s. From what I've read, the US dominates mostly economically and through the CIA much more than militarily, though it all kinduv works together in a synergy to put forth the US strategy of maintaining its position as a global superpower.

[Antrine]

Quote//Can you talk like Macbeth fluently//Unquote

No, my pronouncing sucks! I read in the English era of 1850 to 1935 with 1910 as average all along certain lines for sake of writing. Thousands of old books carefully kept in humidity controlled rooms. This is a profession and passion, that is all. But pronouncing, geeze no one around speaks thus, so I hobbled along with my own variants, yet the last few years I have been cleaning up my act at Toastmaster with some 50 speeches so far to fix up presentation.

Read everything on any subject, and wahla you can soon pontificate as an expert, especially if you join a club where they are abliged to listen to you!

Anyway this is just writing fantasy, spitting out ideas as they surface, where they go often who knows? And I think, 'joncnunn' did a great job with wit and satire. As well I have seen some your posts here and Fanatics you have great charm and humor. I have chuckled often.

Cheers, I am not a champion of what the US does overseas. I think we blew it when we (the Republic) gave the Central Federal Government such a blank check in dealing with foreign affairs. The first century it was not so bad, however since we invaded Mexico willy nilly and stole 1/3 of their country on a pretense, I think like mad dogs tasting blood we have behaved dastardly too often since then.

[joncnunn]

On how to get the AI to give away their cities for an MPP:

Have lots and lots more military units than they do.

Also like any city trade, you can't sugest paying for it, only thing on your side of the ledger can be MPP.

In the US, Used car salemen are notorious for being able to talk people into bad deals.

There's several theories on time travel, I went with the Asmiov's "The End of Eternity" model.

In the US, Used Car salemen as a group also ranks low on the respectiablity scale, (better than Politicans but about the same level as Trial Lawyers.)

Originally posted by unscratchedfoot
This is weird. How did you get them to give away all their cities just for a mutual pact? Why did you call the one guy a used carsalesman? I was expecting him to try and dupe napolean in the end but he just got stuck back in time so I thought the ending was a bit of a let down. Antrine, what are you on about? Are you into the occult or something? You bought an expensive occult book from Napolean?