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**SKILORD** · July 10, 2004, 22:45

Interesting.

Keep it coming.

Or else.

Yeah.

**Metaliturtle** · July 12, 2004, 05:19

The Danegeld

Olaf was just getting comfortable in the former home of his mother-in-law, Joan d'Arc. Pierre was a big help to him, since Olaf had only a few years experience speaking French, Pierre served as an excellent translator.

The Manor within the castle walls was grandiose to be sure. Everything seemed to be marble, covered with gold, or an antique. Some places in the building were designated for "living" but those were filled with creepy portraits of former French kings and queens. Olaf particularly disliked the 8 foot by 10 foot portrait of Joan which dominated the mantle in his inner chambers.

Living in a French museum was taxing to a Dane that had always enjoyed the grassy hills and fields of his homeland and never wanted to leave, but his being here was better for the people. As king of France and heir to Denmark, he would be sure to unite this continent someday against the spanish menace that seemed to occupy it's time by encroaching upon Dane territory.

Penelope was instrumental in retaining the culture of her people. She had enough sway with Olaf that the French flags were still allowed to be flown in the Danelaw France so long as the Danish cross on a red field flew above it.

As Olaf continued to wander the citadel of marble and antiquery, he thought back to the night that gave him this power...

"I have made my decision father, albeit a greedy one to be sure"

"Let's out with it!"

"I will work to annex France into Denmark if you name me as your heir right now. France will go under Danelaw, its people will pay the Danegeld the English have been paying for years, I will rule France from Paris as the Earl of Francia, and make it into your most profitable holding."

"And what of your brother? I want Denmark to be ruled by both of you."

"Ragnar is my brother, Father, I will take care of him and I've always trusted him above all others, he may not be king, but Prince Ragnar will truly have more sway over this empire than anyone who was not a king ever had."

"It is good you are concerned of your brother and took him into consideration in your proposal... very well, it shall be as you wish."

"You are a wise, powerful, generous man my Great Grand Thor!"

"Indeed...."

------

Olaf and Penelope were sitting in the Charlemagne library, reading books on childcare. Penelope was expecting a son, but praying for a daughter. Olaf couldn't stop talking about his boy, he even had several suits of armor made so the boy could 'grow into them.' Each suit became progressively more handsome, and as the boy grew in stature, his stately appearance would undoubtedly improve as long as he wore these masterpieces.

Olaf was polishing them for the five-hundredth time when there was a knock on the library door.

"Let him in guard."

Olaf loved to have the Guards announce him to people who already knew, so as a rule whenever a guard let someone in a room they had to recite the titles of Olaf Andersen.

"Oh lucky guest! How fortunate you are this day! For today you meet the cunning Dane! The Fox with fortitude! Earl of France and all lands that language is prevalent. Husband to the world's most beautiful woman. Master of all axes great and small. Heir to the Throne of Denmark, son of the Grand Thor himself, and institutor of the department of redundancy department! Prepare to meet Prince Olaf Andersen of Denmark!!"

"CRIPES I'm his brother!"

"Sorry Lord Ragnar, you know how he is."

"Hold your tongue now guard, lest you wish to see it permanently separated from your mouth."

Ragnar cared more about the men that served his family than the titles one recieved for being a member of it.

"Brother! I come with a military report from the city of Poitiers!"

"Well then little brother, report."

"Freduardo is at the gates with a modest army, they are laying siege, Spain is attacking France!"

---------

About two hours later a message arrived for Olaf. It was from Freduardo, delivered personally by a very traumatized looking Spanish boy.

Olaf

I have sacked your city of Poitiers, I razed it to the ground, I sowed salt into the fields so nothing will grow there again. We Spanish are now Conquistadores! Our muskets and skilled cavalrymen make our forces much stronger than your berserkercorps that has netted you so much territory. We currently hold the city of Orleans for ransom, you better pay us everything Queen Isabella wants too, wouldn't want daddy to find out you are an incompetent ruler would you?

Taking my lavatory break on a portrait of your wife,

Freduardo the Bold

P.S. Yes, I am also Daring.

-------
Well that was a good time update dealy, I'ma need a lot of feedback because this is more serious than most of the things I've written, so hey, clue me in to stuff that you want to see, stuff that could be better, just make sure it's specific please.

**unscratchedfoot** · July 13, 2004, 04:34

Turtle, are you okay? Did you stay out of the water too long or let the hot summer sun half-bake you in your shell? You even came close to outdoing the notorious Skilord for seriousness there. I thought I was reading about a session of Parliament or something.

The monty python style guard introduction and the peeing on the portrait were well-needed breaks from the dryness. I hope you stick to your goofy style which is necessary, but not so goofy to become cheesy like that greek wandering thing. Watching you become serious felt the same as watching Tom Cruise doing kung-fu.

Keep the story coming of course. Let's see how Oaf responds to the peeing on his wife's picture. He's gotta be pissed.

**Metaliturtle** · July 13, 2004, 18:46

A Portrait is worth 1000 angry longboats

Olaf's favorite portrait of Penelope:

It was tough to have such a work of art go to waste at the hands of the Spanish.

In fact, 1,000 longboats tough...

The French Danes were going a-viking, and the spanish were the helpless victims...

-------

"FREDUARDO!!! WHY IN THE WORLD DID YOU ATTACK DENMARK!!?!?!?!?!?"

"Seemed like the thing to do..."

"What EVER!!! Now we have the whole horde of them outside Madrid in their friggin' boats, and all they're doing is shooting fire arrows at all of our thatched roof cottages. All is being laid to burnination!!"

"And the Trogdor comes in the NIIIIIIIIIGHHHTT!!!"

"SHUT UP FREDUARDO! I'm not finished yet."

"Sorry."

"Look, here's the situation, we have several hundred viking longboats that just showed up here claiming that we'd destroyed several of their cities, and a letter written in PINK PEN! Only you use PINK PEN!!!"

"So umm that doesn't mean I should be blamed!"

"Freduardo, yes it does, to quote the charter of commons which you yourself penned... IN PINK!!!: 'Article IV, any person who manages to somehow bring a horde of anything upon our nation SHOULD BE BLAMED.'

"That's just a technicality."

"Guards stab him to death with fish bones! We will give his shattered carcass to the Danish to do with as they like. Return their towns immediately, and what the hey, give them a crappy one of ours too, like Seville, it's in a desert, nobody's gonna want it ever."

------
short I know but I have dinner and bible study and good times ahead tonight, I'll probably edit to make it bigger.

**unscratchedfoot** · July 14, 2004, 01:45

Very nice

Much more metaliturtlish.

**Metaliturtle** · July 14, 2004, 14:18

Well scratch, I can't be 100% serious, and anyone named Freduardo is just asking for it anyways...

**Metaliturtle** · July 15, 2004, 22:36

A Peasant Mob and a King's Last Wishes

Olaf was reading the message from the Spanish, Freduardo's freshly impaled carcass was at his feet. He chuckled a bit, he had always liked Isabella's style of leadership, her terms were indeed acceptable.

"As for you my deceased nemesis..."

------
FREE BARBEQUE AT THE PALACE OF PARIS! COME ONE COME ALL!

A celebratory feast was being held, with Freduardo as the guest of honor.

Barker: This man! Impaled many times by fish bones, hung up from his own big toes! Is the cause of the Death in the southwest! You are free to do with him as you like!!

The crowd, greasy from all the barbeque, and enraged from this public outcry soon had the carcass tied to the back of a wagon so that it could be dragged all the way back to Spain. Olaf was pleased, his people were developing a hatred for the Spanish, something a man of his intelligence could use at extreme advantage...

------
The citizens of Madrid were greeted with quite a surprise, it wasn't everyday when a horde of angry Danes showed up on foot, although many had recently made the trip by ship.

The Danes went right to the center of the town and deposited Freduardo's remains, watching with glee as they became food for countless pigeons and crows.

Their inherent bloodlust soon turned to the birds however, and the resulting chaos left a bloody mess on the streets of Madrid. As the Danes returned home, Spanish insults and threats followed them, along with a message from Isabella for Olaf's eyes.

------
Ragnar stood before the Grand Thor, who was laying in bed because his old age made any movement extremely difficult for him.

"Father, Olaf is running our country into a barbarous war with Spain! Once you leave he will be unstoppable and will overrun all of europe with bloody atrocity, and you will be known as the father of the worst Grand Thor in the history of Denmark!"

"But son, I promised Olaf leadership, and he said you two were trusted friends he wants you to help him rule!"

"No he doesn't father! He has spent his entire life making sure I was less than him, if he takes over I'll maybe get to rule a fief in Poland if I am lucky."

"Is this true?"

"Yes father, I swear upon my life that it is!"

"Then I must change my heir... Ragnar Olafsbro, upon my death you will be king of Denmark, Olaf will be king of France."

------
"Olaf, your father has passed away, you are requested in Copenhagen for the Danish Coronation ceremony."

"Of course, I leave immediately."

------
Looks like Olaf will be in for a big surprise when he gets home! Stay reading and comments are a plus!

**Paddy** · July 17, 2004, 17:18

Originally posted by unscratchedfoot
Very nice

Much more metaliturtlish.

good value

enjoying this, and looking forward to yet more

**Metaliturtle** · July 19, 2004, 06:23

A Viking Funeral!! Oh and Olaf gets pissed

Olaf 'the Awesome,' as he now had his minstrels calling him in their prose and poetry, stood next to his father's Longboat. He watched the thick boughs of straw and pine filling around the simple pine box which held the remains of Grand Thor Andersen.

Olaf stood next to Ragnar, and both of these shining examples of Viking manhood wept silently and bitterly for the death of their father.

Each man held a torch above his head. Olaf could hear his crackle a bit every once and a while, it's slow, steady, flame reminded him even more of his father. Always helpful but able to cause mass destruction at a moments notice, that was his father.

A small spark floated down in front of Olaf's face. Wafting down like a neon feather before transforming into ash and coming to rest on Olaf's chest, a blemish on a traditional Viking uniform.

Ragnar saw a similar happening with his torch, except his spark was somewhat larger than Olaf's, and thus didn't burn as brightly, but lasted long enough to burn a small hole into Ragnar's Tunic.

Ragnar saw this as a sign from his father that the family flame now burned within him, for Olaf's spark went out. He must lie low while Olaf burned himself out, then it would be his turn to expand with a new hidden power!

The shaman finished up the reading of the Grand Thor's accomplishments, gave the blessings to the gods, and called for the cremation.

Olaf threw his torch first and the rest followed. The hay and the needles caught instantly and soon the wood of the ship had caught too.

All the men pushed the longboat out of the fjord and into the westward current. Each man began walking away, lowest rank first. Soon it was just Olaf and Ragnar, and it quickly became obvious that Ragnar wasn't leaving.

"You need to leave, Ragnar"

"He was my father too, Olaf."

"Fine, we will leave together."

------

The next morning the Royal Executor of Estates began the distribution of lands titles and deeds held by Grand Thor Andersen.

It was in order of smallest to largest:

" The title of Earl of Southwestern Copenhagen goes to Trom Liebenhartt"

It went on this way for a while, most small titles going to servants and vassals who ruled lands near to those provinces. Finally it was Regal Crown time.

"The title of King of Danelaw and all lands also known as France goes to: Olaf Andersen!"

"And finally! The title of Protector of Denmark, Patron of Norway, Commander of Sweden, and Grand Thor! goes to-"

Olaf straightened himself up proudly, he wondered how two crowns would fit on his head. Preparing to hear his name.

"RAGNAR OLAFSBRO!!"

Ragnar emerged from behind the throne wearing the traditional coverings of the Grand Thor, with full Viking honor paint upon his face, he walked to the throne, placed his father's crown atop his head, and took a seat on the throne.

"My first order as king is to present the nation of France with twenty fine longboats to hasten their leader's return!"

But Olaf was not about to walk away so easily.

"For YEARS! I have been rightful heir to the Danish throne. Years I have waited patiently as a vassal to my father knowing full well that my vassalship meant my coronation on this day! That crown is my birthright and my feudal right! It is rightfully mine!!!"

"Big brother, father saw you stirring trouble with the Spaniards, a nation that Denmark has not raided in several centuries now. A tribute-paying nation mind you. Father did not want his empire run into the ground. If you want to use Viking power for your war against Spain, that's fine, but you must resume the title you came here with and return that crown to me at once!"

"Be subservient to you? My LITTLE brother?!"

"That is Grand Thor as long as you are in my magnificent presence, I am to be treated as a god whilst I live!"

"Brother, I prayed that this day would never come about, you will rue this day with all of your soul!"

"That's, Grand Thor! Mister Andersen."

"That's Your Higness! Mister OLAF'S BRO!"

With that, Olaf stormed from the great palace at Copenhagen to the harbor. He may hate the gift, but Viking longboats were now his only chance at defeating the Spanish, and the trick would be teaching Frenchmen how to build them.

-----

It's daylight now, if I get some good feedback I could update in a couple days (unless I forget to return to the site

It probably won't happen though

**Paddy** · July 19, 2004, 06:39

cheers mate

certainly hope you do add more very soon

**SKILORD** · July 19, 2004, 12:29

Very impressive.

-SKILORD the mighty

P.S. I am also daring.

**unscratchedfoot** · July 19, 2004, 18:26

Re: A Peasant Mob and a King's Last Wishes

Originally posted by Metaliturtle
Olaf was reading the message from the Spanish, Freduardo's freshly impaled carcass was at his feet. He chuckled a bit, he had always liked Isabella's style of leadership, her terms were indeed acceptable.

"As for you my deceased nemesis..."

------
FREE BARBEQUE AT THE PALACE OF PARIS! COME ONE COME ALL!

A celebratory feast was being held, with Freduardo as the guest of honor.

Turtle, was Freduardo eaten at the barbeque?

I read the 2nd part and am wondering when Grand Oaf Andersen was killed? Did I miss something? And dude, the 2nd part is very very skilordish with the same crusty, solemn feeling to it, especially like the ember burning his tunic symbolism goop. I actually scrolled up to see if it was skypie who had posted that chapter and then wondered if its a cut & paste from a skilord story cause it sounds so like him. And I think that's what motivated him to finally comment on this story cause he digs that last chapter a lot (unless he wrote it, emailed it to you and you posted it

).

Anyways, keep the frequent updates coming.

And please, more funny!!

**SKILORD** · July 19, 2004, 19:38

And dude, the 2nd part is very very skilordish with the same crusty, solemn feeling to it, especially like the ember burning his tunic symbolism goop.

Who can blame him for imitating the best?

Or at least... the best one never to win a contest...

And when I comment, I'll be honest, it's generally in order to spread my resume/signature around, but I also like the turtle's work and no it wasn't because I had read and liked it for being like me, to be honest I posted my reply after I read the second part (I'll admit, I was behind) because I liked the P.S. part. So there... I've made a point... I think... it was probably pretty petty... but it was a point... I think.

**Metaliturtle** · July 20, 2004, 02:42

More funny 'scratch? Well I got a good chuckle out of your post, so I suppose that was "more funny" to a piece that I'm trying to do 89% serious. As for the Grand Thor's death, he died after he told Ragnar that Ragnar was to inherit Denmark.

I'll just let you squirm over the bar-b-q

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