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One warm spring day as I was preparing for the Celtic fertility rites, my advisors all arrived at the same time in a state of extreme agitation.
¡°Is something burning?¡± I asked.
¡°No, my Lord.¡± they replied.
¡°Are thieves ransacking the palace? Are Japanese warriors murdering your children?¡± I asked.
¡°No, my lord. Nothing like that.¡±
¡°Then,¡± I told them, ¡°return tomorrow when the rites are finished and we are all rested.¡± My advisors bowed and went out.
The next day the advisors were at my door even before the sun¡¯s lazy eye rose blurrily over the palace walls. From my second floor window I could see the advisors gaggling nervously at the palace gates like schoolchildren guilty of breaking a neighbour¡¯s window. Opening my window I called out to them. ¡°Enter and wait for me in the dining room. We may as well have breakfast together.¡± They bowed several times and entered the palace grounds.
In the dining room we were served toast, blueberry jam, boiled eggs, ham, and sweet tea with milk. While I ate slowly and enjoyed every mouthful, my advisors looked nervous and eager to start talking.
¡°Do you know the secret to keeping your sanity and your cool under pressure?¡± I asked. No one replied but they all kept their eyes on me. ¡°Doing everything very slowly. Now, I really think taking things slowly will make your lives much, much more pleasant.¡± They looked at each other and then each of them picked up a piece of toast and started to chew slowly.
After breakfast we retired to the conference room for more tea and talk.
¡°Well, what was it that needed my immediate attention?¡±
¡°Sir,¡± said Caradoc, my foreign advisor. ¡°A group of Zulu settlers and warrior guards have entered our territory to the south. I think they are headed for the eastern peninsula. What should we do?¡±
¡°I¡¯ll tell you what we can do¡± said Conan the military advisor. ¡°We can send men down there to teach them a lesson!¡±
¡°Well, let¡¯s just ask them politely to go back and we¡¯ll see what happens. They¡¯ve been very understanding, you know. I¡¯m sure we can work this out diplomatically. Do you think so, Caradoc?¡±
¡°No doubt, my lord. I will send messengers right away to tell the Zulu they are trespassing.¡±
Several days later Caradoc returned to the palace and met me for dinner. After our meal of baked rabbit and potatoes fried in sage we began to discuss business.
¡°So, any news about the Zulu?¡±
¡°Yes, sire. We requested they leave our territory and go back to their own. They apologised for the intrusion and said they would immediately turn back after one of their leaders got over a slight sickness.¡±
¡°So that¡¯s it then. Crisis solved, yes?¡±
¡°Well, no. We left spies to make sure they left but they report that the Zulu have continued east into our lands. I then sent more messengers to insist they turn back but this time they sat stony-faced, said they would turn back, and, as soon as our messengers left their camp, continued on their way east. They are now not technically in our lands but I¡¯m not sure we should let this defiance go unpunished.¡±
¡°You¡¯re quite right, Caradoc. But let¡¯s not go rushing into a war we¡¯re not prepared to handle. Let us quietly build barracks in our cities, get iron to our weapon smiths, and then head south to teach the Zulu a lesson I think they need. Tell Conan to begin preparations but warn him not to get too excited. We need to keep an eye on him. But, leave that for tomorrow morning. Another cup of tea, my dear?¡±
The preparations for war went smoothly but we were struck by bad fortune several times. Our army was being formed in Alesia when disease struck that city. Although my heart went out to the unfortunate men and women who lived there, we were fortunate that none of our soldiers fell victim. In a way, I almost felt that the large number of soldiers living there contributed to the crowded conditions and filth that spread disease. Well, I thought, they are leaving for Zululand soon so that problem will be cleared up.
Our army was formed of horsemen, catapults for the sieges, spearmen to add defence, and a unit of Gallic swordsmen, the flower of the Celtic military. These warriors were extremely loyal to me and vowed they would use their iron swords to destroy any enemy I named.
During the final stages of preparation, Caradoc came to me to make her report.
¡°Brennus, my lord. I have much news to tell you. First, the Zulu have built a town they call Isandhiwana very close to Camulodunum. It is an insult.
¡°Yes, Caradoc. That¡¯s why we are going to war.¡±
¡°Second, the Zulu sent more settlers and Impi warriors into our lands. This time they were heading north. We sent guarded messengers to ensure they turned back. They turned back without argument and were last seen heading back to their capital. Also, Conan reports that he is ready to march any day.¡±
¡°Very well. Tell him the glory and the honour of the Celts are in his hands. Now leave me. I have much to think about. It is a dangerous world and we must walk carefully in it.¡±
Deciding that it would not be proper to sit in the capital while my brave soldiers went to war, I decided to travel to Alesia with Caradoc and join the army as it marched to Zululand. We missed the army by a day but the next morning strong horses brought us swiftly to the army within a few hours. Armies really do march terribly slowly. We trotted alongside the main line of the army giving encouragement as we went. At last we arrived at the head of the column where Conan was riding a fine steed and singing war songs. I suppose he must have written them himself as this was our first war.
¡°Well, Conan. Are things going well?¡±
¡°Yes, my lord! Very nice to have you here with us. It¡¯ll really boost the morale of the men. Shall I report? We¡¯ll travel all today and rest just outside the Zulu borders. Tomorrow morning we will cross their border and head for the city of Ulundi. I don¡¯t expect a lot of resistance there as we are not giving the Zulu time to prepare for war. We also have a unit of Gallic Swordsmen crossing the Zulu border in the west to distract the enemy and possibly pillage some of their land. I have instructed them not to attack any cities.¡±
¡°Sounds like you have this all worked out. I trust everything to you.¡±
¡°Yes, my lord. You can count on me.¡± With that, he took a flask of whisky out of his saddle bag and handed it around to his commanders. He then started in on another song about the dark-skinned lasses who would be welcoming him in Hlobane. Caradoc looked somewhat embarrassed so we fell back a bit to have a look at the catapults that would soon be hurling stones into the midst of the Zulu cities.
The next morning the sky was overcast and a gloom hung over the army like a prophesy. Many of the men kissed holy symbols as they packed up tents, put out fires and prepared to march. Conan was possibly the only person in the camp in high spirits. He soon got the men on the move and we crossed the Zulu border after an hour or so.
¡°Just one day¡¯s march from here, me lads!¡± cried Conan. Luckily for our army the overcast skies kept the hot desert sun from dehydrating our men and to our right was the great river that supplied us with both water and food. The troops were under strict orders not to pillage the fields along the way though they could take what they liked from the river to supplement their rations.
Just after the midday meal, a tall Zulu warrior rode into camp looking for the leader. When he was brought to me he started to speak in a rage.
¡°How dare you bring war to our land! The great Shaka demands you leave now before you are utterly destroyed and forgotten even to history!¡±
¡°Why is it the Zulu may cross Celtic lands and ignore our polite requests to leave but we may not? Shaka has overstepped the bounds of friendship and now he must be taught a lesson. We cannot let you ignore the Celts and become an example for other nations. We will teach you a lesson and then other nations will know they must respect the Celtic borders.¡±
The Zulu warrior looked as though he was about to strike me with his fist but he turned and walked angrily back to his horse. He rode off and shouted that we had not seem the last of him.
Our advance spies came and went all day. They reported that workers had been recalled to Hlobane and the gates shut tight. Some spies found tunnels that led under the city and used these to report news from within the city. By evening the army arrived at Hlobane and set up camp and defensive positions just out of archer range. Under the cover of darkness our engineers set up the siege engines and consulted with spies about where best to send boulders into the city. Late at night spies reported to Conan that the city seemed to be defended wholly by Impi warriors. Conan seemed to think this was very bad news and sat up all night pondering strategy.
The sun rose in the east, silhouetting Conan standing straight up in his saddle with his sword raised. When the walls of Hlobane were bathed in the fiery rays of the early morning sun, he swung his sword downwards and shouted, ¡°First Catapults, fire!!¡± The catapults lifting the stones in the air groaned, ¡°We have passed judgement.¡± The boulders streaking across the sky screamed, ¡°We find you guilty!¡± And the thuds and crashes of the boulders inside the city pronounced, ¡°Your punishment is Doom.¡± The screams and shouts from within answered, ¡°Why must it be so?¡± Conan raised his sword again and brought it down. The Second Catapults brought doom upon the people of Hlobane. Guilty or innocent, the falling rocks brought death equally like the angels of the Hebrews. Up came the sword again, and when it fell archers released their arrows into the city where they pierced shield, bone, cloth, and flesh. This was kept up for an hour and when it stopped there was no sound from inside the city. Before any more orders could be given, the gates of Hlobane opened and one man, bloody and limping, walked to Conan and looked up at him with dead eyes. ¡°Please stop¡± was all he said, and collapsed on the ground.
The first army marched into Hlobane with Conan at its head. I followed slightly behind, almost embarrassed to enter although it was my command that started the destruction. Walking down the main avenue to accept the governor¡¯s formal surrender in the town hall, I noticed the proud and angry man who demanded we leave his country. Several arrows stuck out of his chest and legs and he had fallen in the middle of the avenue. Though death held him in a tight grip, the warrior seemed to hold his spear, shield, and courage in an even tighter grip. No doubt he faced the gods demanding revenge.
I walked into a small building that was probably once a small restaurant and sat down at one of the dust-covered tables. Was all this destruction the price of one insult? Conan looked as though he really enjoyed taking this city. A pleasure and not a job or duty. Maybe I should return this city to the Zulu and go back to my home. I looked over the restaurant which was obviously very dirty and poorly kept even before the war. Perhaps I¡¯m doing these people a favour although it comes at a high price. I can put order and happiness into these people¡¯s lives. And in any case, am I not Brennus the Mighty, Brennus the King? Kings are the boots that tread through destiny and the common man is the dust they tread upon. I am the writer of history and these people are the blood I will use to fill my pen. I walked out of the restaurant past the stiffened corpse of the Impi warrior and called for Conan.
¡°Is something burning?¡± I asked.
¡°No, my Lord.¡± they replied.
¡°Are thieves ransacking the palace? Are Japanese warriors murdering your children?¡± I asked.
¡°No, my lord. Nothing like that.¡±
¡°Then,¡± I told them, ¡°return tomorrow when the rites are finished and we are all rested.¡± My advisors bowed and went out.
The next day the advisors were at my door even before the sun¡¯s lazy eye rose blurrily over the palace walls. From my second floor window I could see the advisors gaggling nervously at the palace gates like schoolchildren guilty of breaking a neighbour¡¯s window. Opening my window I called out to them. ¡°Enter and wait for me in the dining room. We may as well have breakfast together.¡± They bowed several times and entered the palace grounds.
In the dining room we were served toast, blueberry jam, boiled eggs, ham, and sweet tea with milk. While I ate slowly and enjoyed every mouthful, my advisors looked nervous and eager to start talking.
¡°Do you know the secret to keeping your sanity and your cool under pressure?¡± I asked. No one replied but they all kept their eyes on me. ¡°Doing everything very slowly. Now, I really think taking things slowly will make your lives much, much more pleasant.¡± They looked at each other and then each of them picked up a piece of toast and started to chew slowly.
After breakfast we retired to the conference room for more tea and talk.
¡°Well, what was it that needed my immediate attention?¡±
¡°Sir,¡± said Caradoc, my foreign advisor. ¡°A group of Zulu settlers and warrior guards have entered our territory to the south. I think they are headed for the eastern peninsula. What should we do?¡±
¡°I¡¯ll tell you what we can do¡± said Conan the military advisor. ¡°We can send men down there to teach them a lesson!¡±
¡°Well, let¡¯s just ask them politely to go back and we¡¯ll see what happens. They¡¯ve been very understanding, you know. I¡¯m sure we can work this out diplomatically. Do you think so, Caradoc?¡±
¡°No doubt, my lord. I will send messengers right away to tell the Zulu they are trespassing.¡±
Several days later Caradoc returned to the palace and met me for dinner. After our meal of baked rabbit and potatoes fried in sage we began to discuss business.
¡°So, any news about the Zulu?¡±
¡°Yes, sire. We requested they leave our territory and go back to their own. They apologised for the intrusion and said they would immediately turn back after one of their leaders got over a slight sickness.¡±
¡°So that¡¯s it then. Crisis solved, yes?¡±
¡°Well, no. We left spies to make sure they left but they report that the Zulu have continued east into our lands. I then sent more messengers to insist they turn back but this time they sat stony-faced, said they would turn back, and, as soon as our messengers left their camp, continued on their way east. They are now not technically in our lands but I¡¯m not sure we should let this defiance go unpunished.¡±
¡°You¡¯re quite right, Caradoc. But let¡¯s not go rushing into a war we¡¯re not prepared to handle. Let us quietly build barracks in our cities, get iron to our weapon smiths, and then head south to teach the Zulu a lesson I think they need. Tell Conan to begin preparations but warn him not to get too excited. We need to keep an eye on him. But, leave that for tomorrow morning. Another cup of tea, my dear?¡±
The preparations for war went smoothly but we were struck by bad fortune several times. Our army was being formed in Alesia when disease struck that city. Although my heart went out to the unfortunate men and women who lived there, we were fortunate that none of our soldiers fell victim. In a way, I almost felt that the large number of soldiers living there contributed to the crowded conditions and filth that spread disease. Well, I thought, they are leaving for Zululand soon so that problem will be cleared up.
Our army was formed of horsemen, catapults for the sieges, spearmen to add defence, and a unit of Gallic swordsmen, the flower of the Celtic military. These warriors were extremely loyal to me and vowed they would use their iron swords to destroy any enemy I named.
During the final stages of preparation, Caradoc came to me to make her report.
¡°Brennus, my lord. I have much news to tell you. First, the Zulu have built a town they call Isandhiwana very close to Camulodunum. It is an insult.
¡°Yes, Caradoc. That¡¯s why we are going to war.¡±
¡°Second, the Zulu sent more settlers and Impi warriors into our lands. This time they were heading north. We sent guarded messengers to ensure they turned back. They turned back without argument and were last seen heading back to their capital. Also, Conan reports that he is ready to march any day.¡±
¡°Very well. Tell him the glory and the honour of the Celts are in his hands. Now leave me. I have much to think about. It is a dangerous world and we must walk carefully in it.¡±
Deciding that it would not be proper to sit in the capital while my brave soldiers went to war, I decided to travel to Alesia with Caradoc and join the army as it marched to Zululand. We missed the army by a day but the next morning strong horses brought us swiftly to the army within a few hours. Armies really do march terribly slowly. We trotted alongside the main line of the army giving encouragement as we went. At last we arrived at the head of the column where Conan was riding a fine steed and singing war songs. I suppose he must have written them himself as this was our first war.
¡°Well, Conan. Are things going well?¡±
¡°Yes, my lord! Very nice to have you here with us. It¡¯ll really boost the morale of the men. Shall I report? We¡¯ll travel all today and rest just outside the Zulu borders. Tomorrow morning we will cross their border and head for the city of Ulundi. I don¡¯t expect a lot of resistance there as we are not giving the Zulu time to prepare for war. We also have a unit of Gallic Swordsmen crossing the Zulu border in the west to distract the enemy and possibly pillage some of their land. I have instructed them not to attack any cities.¡±
¡°Sounds like you have this all worked out. I trust everything to you.¡±
¡°Yes, my lord. You can count on me.¡± With that, he took a flask of whisky out of his saddle bag and handed it around to his commanders. He then started in on another song about the dark-skinned lasses who would be welcoming him in Hlobane. Caradoc looked somewhat embarrassed so we fell back a bit to have a look at the catapults that would soon be hurling stones into the midst of the Zulu cities.
The next morning the sky was overcast and a gloom hung over the army like a prophesy. Many of the men kissed holy symbols as they packed up tents, put out fires and prepared to march. Conan was possibly the only person in the camp in high spirits. He soon got the men on the move and we crossed the Zulu border after an hour or so.
¡°Just one day¡¯s march from here, me lads!¡± cried Conan. Luckily for our army the overcast skies kept the hot desert sun from dehydrating our men and to our right was the great river that supplied us with both water and food. The troops were under strict orders not to pillage the fields along the way though they could take what they liked from the river to supplement their rations.
Just after the midday meal, a tall Zulu warrior rode into camp looking for the leader. When he was brought to me he started to speak in a rage.
¡°How dare you bring war to our land! The great Shaka demands you leave now before you are utterly destroyed and forgotten even to history!¡±
¡°Why is it the Zulu may cross Celtic lands and ignore our polite requests to leave but we may not? Shaka has overstepped the bounds of friendship and now he must be taught a lesson. We cannot let you ignore the Celts and become an example for other nations. We will teach you a lesson and then other nations will know they must respect the Celtic borders.¡±
The Zulu warrior looked as though he was about to strike me with his fist but he turned and walked angrily back to his horse. He rode off and shouted that we had not seem the last of him.
Our advance spies came and went all day. They reported that workers had been recalled to Hlobane and the gates shut tight. Some spies found tunnels that led under the city and used these to report news from within the city. By evening the army arrived at Hlobane and set up camp and defensive positions just out of archer range. Under the cover of darkness our engineers set up the siege engines and consulted with spies about where best to send boulders into the city. Late at night spies reported to Conan that the city seemed to be defended wholly by Impi warriors. Conan seemed to think this was very bad news and sat up all night pondering strategy.
The sun rose in the east, silhouetting Conan standing straight up in his saddle with his sword raised. When the walls of Hlobane were bathed in the fiery rays of the early morning sun, he swung his sword downwards and shouted, ¡°First Catapults, fire!!¡± The catapults lifting the stones in the air groaned, ¡°We have passed judgement.¡± The boulders streaking across the sky screamed, ¡°We find you guilty!¡± And the thuds and crashes of the boulders inside the city pronounced, ¡°Your punishment is Doom.¡± The screams and shouts from within answered, ¡°Why must it be so?¡± Conan raised his sword again and brought it down. The Second Catapults brought doom upon the people of Hlobane. Guilty or innocent, the falling rocks brought death equally like the angels of the Hebrews. Up came the sword again, and when it fell archers released their arrows into the city where they pierced shield, bone, cloth, and flesh. This was kept up for an hour and when it stopped there was no sound from inside the city. Before any more orders could be given, the gates of Hlobane opened and one man, bloody and limping, walked to Conan and looked up at him with dead eyes. ¡°Please stop¡± was all he said, and collapsed on the ground.
The first army marched into Hlobane with Conan at its head. I followed slightly behind, almost embarrassed to enter although it was my command that started the destruction. Walking down the main avenue to accept the governor¡¯s formal surrender in the town hall, I noticed the proud and angry man who demanded we leave his country. Several arrows stuck out of his chest and legs and he had fallen in the middle of the avenue. Though death held him in a tight grip, the warrior seemed to hold his spear, shield, and courage in an even tighter grip. No doubt he faced the gods demanding revenge.
I walked into a small building that was probably once a small restaurant and sat down at one of the dust-covered tables. Was all this destruction the price of one insult? Conan looked as though he really enjoyed taking this city. A pleasure and not a job or duty. Maybe I should return this city to the Zulu and go back to my home. I looked over the restaurant which was obviously very dirty and poorly kept even before the war. Perhaps I¡¯m doing these people a favour although it comes at a high price. I can put order and happiness into these people¡¯s lives. And in any case, am I not Brennus the Mighty, Brennus the King? Kings are the boots that tread through destiny and the common man is the dust they tread upon. I am the writer of history and these people are the blood I will use to fill my pen. I walked out of the restaurant past the stiffened corpse of the Impi warrior and called for Conan.
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