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  • Deutchland, Wach!

    John Baker was coated in a layer of fine dust as he crouched under the stone bench, “Nothing like it, anywhere else in Britain.”

    -

    He sat down for drinks with his close friend, Edward Rhodes, he pulled to stool up to the bar, shaking, “I discovered something at work today.”

    -

    The stone bench was inscribed in German, odd for a city so English as Berlin. Berlin had no Volk movement like Leipzig, to John’s knowledge Berlin had always been an English city.

    -

    “Yeah, what is it?” Edward replied leaning onto the bar and picking up his mug with his free hand.

    John bent himself closer to Edward.

    -

    “Sir, we’ve discovered something at the other site.”

    The head mounted lanterns sent their lights bobbing up and down in the caverns beneath Berlin, it was a magnificent site, any archaeologist’s dream, a long buried tomb of the ancients that had seemed to be a thriving city once in ancient days.

    John hurried to the larger, more ornate structure from what he believed to be a sort of temple. The larger building had yet to be defined.

    -

    “The furthest my male line genealogy goes back is to a Timothy Baker, who supposedly lived here in Berlin nearly a thousand years ago.”

    Edward shook his head at John’s obsession with his genealogy, “Why do you worry about it so far back? Hell I count it lucky that I know who my father was.”

    -

    The large, solid stone door was cracked open, and on the other side what seemed to be two headstones, the larger one imposing and chipped, the smaller had survived and just from site he was sure that the larger preceded the other by maybe thirty years.

    -

    “There’s no record that any such person ever existed.”

    Edward shrugged it off, “So?”

    “His wife is a different story.”

    -

    He peered at the headstones.

    “None of us spoke the German, we were wondering if you would tell us what it meant, it looked important.”

    “Hier ruht der grösste König der Deutschen, ..." his eyes opened and he realized that this building was far more than they had ever realized, his eyes fell on the smaller headstone and the name struck him as absurdly familiar.

    -

    “Sophia von Koginsted did not marry a triumphant British soldier after the invasion and move back to his home in Berlin. She was the queen of Germany, wife to Otto von Bismarck.”

    Edward had been peering into the deep mysteries of his ale, he turned to John.

    “That makes you…”

    -

    John Baker stood in the Palace of Berlin, his own inheritance, he realized suddenly.

    “Deutschland,” he spoke in the ancient tongue that the walls warmed to, “Erwache.”

    And he wondered if he really wished it to…
    Last edited by SKILORD; May 2, 2004, 10:49.
    Read Blessed be the Peacemakers | Read Political Freedom | Read Pax Germania: A Story of Redemption | Read Unrelated Matters | Read Stains of Blood and Ash | Read Ripper: A Glimpse into the Life of Gen. Jack Sterling | Read Deutschland Erwachte! | Read The Best Friend | Read A Mothers Day Poem | Read Deliver us From Evil | Read The Promised Land

  • #2
    I've been busy this evening. :whew:

    If it's confusing just bear in mind that it alternates between scenes.
    Read Blessed be the Peacemakers | Read Political Freedom | Read Pax Germania: A Story of Redemption | Read Unrelated Matters | Read Stains of Blood and Ash | Read Ripper: A Glimpse into the Life of Gen. Jack Sterling | Read Deutschland Erwachte! | Read The Best Friend | Read A Mothers Day Poem | Read Deliver us From Evil | Read The Promised Land

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    • #3
      Wow!! if the rest of this continues as well as the teaser then Id say were in for a real treat

      Great start SKI
      A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.

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      • #4
        Wah, this teaser is a real ... teaser! I'm all ready to get on to the goods.
        XBox Live: VovanSim
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        • #5
          Alright, I'm, working on adding a new chapter, should be up today. I'm also, however, simultaneously adding 4 book reviews to my site, so don't be too impatient.
          Read Blessed be the Peacemakers | Read Political Freedom | Read Pax Germania: A Story of Redemption | Read Unrelated Matters | Read Stains of Blood and Ash | Read Ripper: A Glimpse into the Life of Gen. Jack Sterling | Read Deutschland Erwachte! | Read The Best Friend | Read A Mothers Day Poem | Read Deliver us From Evil | Read The Promised Land

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          • #6
            Great teaser... thanks

            looking forward to your next chapter... no pressure...

            enjoy your evening

            Gurka 17, People of the Valley
            I am of the Horde.

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            • #7
              Chapter Two: Birthright

              Edward put down his rapidly depleting mug, “Why would you tell this to a Brit?”

              “It never occurred to me that you were,” John scratched his chin.

              Edward began glaring at the bartender as he tapped his mug against the bar, “Well, I am.”

              John was silent in return, trying to motion the bartender himself.

              Edward laughed after a moment of consideration, “You still think everything is the same, don’t you?”

              “Why wouldn’t it be?”

              Edward laughed and stood, forgetting the empty mug on the bar, “Stupid f***ing Kraut.”

              He donned his hat and turned for the door.

              -

              John sat in front of the tomb of his ancestor the light from the distant entrance cascaded into the door. A glimmer caught his eye, something metallic lay on the tomb.

              Um zu vereinen was zerbrach,
              Um zu erwecken was erstarb,
              dies das Schwert der Deutschen ist!


              Bismarck’s sword, he gasped, it was legendary. Created in the last days of his reign it was supposed to ensure the immortality of Germany. As a archaeological find it was remarkable… for the heir of the German throne…

              Shadows dashed across the light from the entrance, John turned to watch as dark figures crept down the tunnel to the site.

              He could have sworn it was a Saturday.

              He put the sword down on the grave, it deserved to go in a museum, but if it revealed that Berlin was German, if it could be used as a symbol of fallen Germany how likely was that?

              He looked around for a better hiding place as the door’s light was blocked out entirely.

              “There’s nowhere to hide, nowhere to run. Turn yourself in now.”

              John looked around, “What?”

              “John… Johan von Bismarck, you are wanted for the murder of Edward Rhodes.”

              -

              The prison cell was cold, heartless.

              “I’m innocent!” he screamed to the guards as they passed.

              The guards guffawed as the prisoner wasted himself against the icy bars of steel.

              A light flickered in the corner.

              “They don’t give a damn.”

              John turned to the back of the dark cell. The stars glittered from the window and a heaving light came from the corner.

              “Who are you?”

              “Damien Konsig.”

              “German?”

              In the shadows a bit of light reflected off of his perfectly white teeth, “Aren’t we all?”

              “What do you mean?”

              “What do I mean?” the small light from his cigarette flared, “Welcome to the Volkgefängnis.”

              John raised an eyebrow, “I’ve never heard of it.”

              “A political prison for Germans.”

              “Still? But the war’s been over for…”

              “Germany’s been a hard nation to kill.”

              “But I thought the English were the good guys.”

              Damien laughed from his dark corner, “A thousand years later the good guys have always won.”

              “So everything that we’re taught is a lie?”

              “Yeah.”

              A few more ashes fell off of the cigarette.

              “I didn’t get your name.”

              “John Baker,” he frowned and shook his head, “No, I mean, Johan von Bismarck.”

              Damien put out his cigarette.

              “Von Bismarck you say?”

              John nodded, “Yeah.”

              “We have work to do.”
              Last edited by SKILORD; May 2, 2004, 10:50.
              Read Blessed be the Peacemakers | Read Political Freedom | Read Pax Germania: A Story of Redemption | Read Unrelated Matters | Read Stains of Blood and Ash | Read Ripper: A Glimpse into the Life of Gen. Jack Sterling | Read Deutschland Erwachte! | Read The Best Friend | Read A Mothers Day Poem | Read Deliver us From Evil | Read The Promised Land

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              • #8
                Wow, wow

                great timing for your post too.

                Gurka 17, People of the Valley
                I am of the Horde.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Nice stuff here SKI this has the makings of an epic, my only concern is you seem to be rushing yourself. I mean to me it seems to have moved very fast, the first post was spot on but you have skipped along quite fast in part two.

                  Not a critisism more an observation, but I accept that it is very early in the story, and what you have planned perhaps necessitates the rapid flow.

                  Dont mean to put you off so please keep the goods coming

                  Just to reiterate I think you have the makings of an epic here and I am really anticipating the journey your about to lead us on

                  More power to your elbow friend
                  A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.

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                  • #10
                    Chrisus, Chrisus.

                    Don't be afraid to criticise... me at least. If you're afraid of scaring off other writers you can leave those fears outside of my threads, I'm far too stubborn to be frightened off and you yourself have complimented me in the past for taking criticism well. I'm probably the youngest writer here, I accept that I'm the least experienced and I'm not going to get better by ignoring advice and criticism. If you think I'm moving too fast you needn't mask it.

                    Anyway, I can see how you can have that misconception and trust me the last... five words of the last chapter aren't what you expect. I'm better with characters than that.

                    As for a mistake that I did make, I forgot that I had given Edward a last name and where I said Edward Smith in the Second chapter should have read Edward Rhodes as it did in the teaser. I'll fix it.

                    Thanks for the support.
                    Read Blessed be the Peacemakers | Read Political Freedom | Read Pax Germania: A Story of Redemption | Read Unrelated Matters | Read Stains of Blood and Ash | Read Ripper: A Glimpse into the Life of Gen. Jack Sterling | Read Deutschland Erwachte! | Read The Best Friend | Read A Mothers Day Poem | Read Deliver us From Evil | Read The Promised Land

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                    • #11
                      SKILORD SKILORD I was not trying to mask my criticism, I was trying to be polite.

                      A spade is a spade with me young lad

                      To quote your last post "Anyway, I can see how you can have that misconception and trust me the last... five words of the last chapter aren't what you expect. I'm better with characters than that."

                      Heres another criticism for you, a tad sure of yourself Id say. I hope you can live up to your bold statement! but IMHO it is entirely up to you to show me I have misconcieved somehow, than to merely say so.

                      Now how can this be achieved ? by getting on with the story and proving how good you are instead of telling me how good you are

                      nuff said
                      A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
                        Now how can this be achieved ? by getting on with the story and proving how good you are instead of telling me how good you are
                        What he said! Get on with it!



                        Actually, I had the same thoughts as Chrisius when I finished reading the second chapter. It kinda felt is if you are jumping around rather... Chaotically.

                        I actually sorta lke that style of writing where you don't really explain too much to the reader and have him put together the situations for himself, but it didn't work too well in the last chapter, I'm afraid. For example, let's take the following piece of the story:

                        He donned his hat and turned for the door.

                        -

                        He sat in front of the tomb of his ancestor the light from the distant entrance cascaded into the door. A glimmer caught his eye, something metallic lay on the tomb.


                        After the dash, denoting a jump in space and time, you keep on talking about John, but don't really mention his name. In fact, for the first two paragraphs, you just keep saying "he". Now, that is fine for an as of yet unintroduced character. In fact, that's almost an expectation I have. You put the "-" to denote a jump. I expect a change in space, time, and setting. And indeed, we get that here. But I also expect a change in characters. So, when you keep saying "he", I fully expect him to be a new male character. So, when you suddenly refer to John, it almost doesn't click right away that he corresponds to the "he" you were talking about before.

                        Disclaimer: I wrote this post in between the times when a friend of mine came to bug me about a programming assignment we have to do. So, if it's incoherent, not my fault.
                        XBox Live: VovanSim
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                        Spore page

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                        • #13
                          I'l try Chrisus, I'll try.

                          I understand where you're coming from vovan, I'll see what I can do.
                          Read Blessed be the Peacemakers | Read Political Freedom | Read Pax Germania: A Story of Redemption | Read Unrelated Matters | Read Stains of Blood and Ash | Read Ripper: A Glimpse into the Life of Gen. Jack Sterling | Read Deutschland Erwachte! | Read The Best Friend | Read A Mothers Day Poem | Read Deliver us From Evil | Read The Promised Land

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                          • #14
                            Neway, I've been snowed in all week and hopefully I'll get off my arse and write summore of this.

                            Actually I have been doing something, but how many of you really want to read a 15 page summary of the lies and half truths that Dan Brown uses, in the Da Vinci Code to justify his belief that Christ had a child by Mary Magdalene?

                            None of you, that's what I thought. I'll write this instead.
                            Read Blessed be the Peacemakers | Read Political Freedom | Read Pax Germania: A Story of Redemption | Read Unrelated Matters | Read Stains of Blood and Ash | Read Ripper: A Glimpse into the Life of Gen. Jack Sterling | Read Deutschland Erwachte! | Read The Best Friend | Read A Mothers Day Poem | Read Deliver us From Evil | Read The Promised Land

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                            • #15
                              eagerly awaiting more
                              I am a prisoner on a ship of fools.

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