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Raingoon's Unuseable-but-Oh-So-Thrilling 30 Second Review Part 1 (Intro)
You open the Limited Edition box, you want to say "It can't get any better than this" but it can always get better than this, it probably SHOULD HAVE BEEN better than this, but you forgive the tiny tech tree right away because you are FINALLY HOLDING CIVILIZATION 3 in your hands and you're not so jaded you've forgotten how to look under a tree at Christmas -- SO -- you flip gratefully through the thick enough manual and figure it will probably answer any questions you have and you realize they didn't mention Apolyton OR the the Essential Civ 3 OR the fact that somewhere after the List 2 but before this moment you know they broke Yin's heart. And you like Yin. Even though you don't know him, because you've been here long enough to know there's probably nobody who loves Civ more than Yin.
You load the game and yeah, yeah, yeah, cut sequenses shmut sequences, fine you greet the map generator and you think -- Okay -- (really, that's exactly what you think) -- and you choose everything right down the middle because you want to be fair and then you lose yourself in the Civolepedia trying to pick unique traits -- yeah, yeah, yeah, fine -- no GREAT -- you think so far this is really cool, and then suddenly you don't know how but you're playing the game.
Okay. < that's what you think again. You dig the worker right off the bat. You like the map tiles. You make a big deal out of everything because this is your first game and then you lose really fast. Wiped off the board by Aztecs. You don't understand. Somehow you do not recall ever getting wiped off the board by Aztecs in Civ 2. You feel a moment has passed you will never get back -- this is not how you envisioned, after the List 2, after the Essential Civ 3 and the Energy Model, finally playing your first game. In all of the thousands upon thousands of posts nobody ever said -- "Anyway, after all this you'll play your first game and get your ass lit by Aztecs in twenty turns." You feel oddly violated. Apparently the Aztecs did not know this was your first game and you were sort of being ceremonial about it. Or perhaps they were told to expect you.
Later, about game three or five, you will realize the AI is REALLY GOOD early on and you don't know why but it is. And then you begin game 8 and you see grasslands around where you begin and there's a desert beyond that mountain range to the east and you know just enough by now to suspect -- no, you HOPE -- there will be iron revealed in those mountains but for now you wonder what lies beyond the desert, and you envision a paradise of grassland and hills so you build your first city where you stand and then you send your workers into the desert to build an eastern road and you know it's a game, after all, but you hope you don't see any foreign units for a long, long time...
End of Raingoon's Unuseable-but-Totally-Accurate 30 second Review Part 1 (intro)
To be continued...
Raingoon's Unusable-but-Totally-Accurate Review Part 2 (Ancient Era)
Raingoon's Unusable-but-Totally-Accurate Review Part 3 (Middle Ages)
Raingoon's Unusable-but-Totally-Accurate Review Part 4 (Industrial Age)
Raingoon's Unusable-but-Totally-Accurate Review Part 5 (Modern Age/The End Game)
Last Word & Final Score
You load the game and yeah, yeah, yeah, cut sequenses shmut sequences, fine you greet the map generator and you think -- Okay -- (really, that's exactly what you think) -- and you choose everything right down the middle because you want to be fair and then you lose yourself in the Civolepedia trying to pick unique traits -- yeah, yeah, yeah, fine -- no GREAT -- you think so far this is really cool, and then suddenly you don't know how but you're playing the game.
Okay. < that's what you think again. You dig the worker right off the bat. You like the map tiles. You make a big deal out of everything because this is your first game and then you lose really fast. Wiped off the board by Aztecs. You don't understand. Somehow you do not recall ever getting wiped off the board by Aztecs in Civ 2. You feel a moment has passed you will never get back -- this is not how you envisioned, after the List 2, after the Essential Civ 3 and the Energy Model, finally playing your first game. In all of the thousands upon thousands of posts nobody ever said -- "Anyway, after all this you'll play your first game and get your ass lit by Aztecs in twenty turns." You feel oddly violated. Apparently the Aztecs did not know this was your first game and you were sort of being ceremonial about it. Or perhaps they were told to expect you.
Later, about game three or five, you will realize the AI is REALLY GOOD early on and you don't know why but it is. And then you begin game 8 and you see grasslands around where you begin and there's a desert beyond that mountain range to the east and you know just enough by now to suspect -- no, you HOPE -- there will be iron revealed in those mountains but for now you wonder what lies beyond the desert, and you envision a paradise of grassland and hills so you build your first city where you stand and then you send your workers into the desert to build an eastern road and you know it's a game, after all, but you hope you don't see any foreign units for a long, long time...
End of Raingoon's Unuseable-but-Totally-Accurate 30 second Review Part 1 (intro)
To be continued...
Raingoon's Unusable-but-Totally-Accurate Review Part 2 (Ancient Era)
Raingoon's Unusable-but-Totally-Accurate Review Part 3 (Middle Ages)
Raingoon's Unusable-but-Totally-Accurate Review Part 4 (Industrial Age)
Raingoon's Unusable-but-Totally-Accurate Review Part 5 (Modern Age/The End Game)
Last Word & Final Score
ROFLMAO
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