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Ision bought CIV 3 - 2 weeks after it was released. When Ision was a newbie he was a sad sight to behold. He lost his first few games but then discovered that losing could be prevented with minimal effort. The key word in that sentence was the adjective ‘minimal’. He always claimed that he wanted to improve his game, but in truth all he was really looking for were ‘short cuts’. He scoured the forums of CIV Fanatics and Apolyton for tips on better strategy – but the only tips he ever took were the ones that would make it easier to win at chieftan and warlord, not the ones that would make him better. Sure enough he began to win, and win, and win, and win some more. He also continued to be a lousy player, lousy, and lousier by the game.
Ision loved polls! Among his favorites were the ‘what is the best Civ/trait/uu polls. He participated in all of these. Amazingly, he always seemed to vote with the majority (300 other newbies that were also looking for a short cuts and cheats). He read through the expert articles – true enough – but he always found an excuse for not actually trying it. Had you monitored his games back then you would have been sure Ision could not swim. He always played standard Pang maps, often repeating the ‘island maps suck anyway’ or ‘the naval game in CIV is broken’ argument. He read those excuses on forums (other newbies scared to death of water), and they were perfect high-sounding excuses. Besides how the hell would he know - his feet hadn’t touched water since the day he started playing.
Ision always played the big 3 of the polls; Egypt, Persia, and China …… nobody else. No doubt had Ision been a newbie today, he would be playing the Mayans – only. After all, these were the BEST civs! If it wasn’t Industrious it had a disease. Ision was a build order freak. He lived by the same 2 or 3, and even wrote them down. You see he had to write them down, because after a while the build orders became over 30 turns worth of scripted play! It is rumored that he was once seen crying pathetically while re-starting a game in which he failed to pull off the Pyramids. I for one refuse to believe it.
Ision averaged 99.9999 % of all the wonders in the game. He was often caught smiling at the F7 screen; during his Chieftain level cultural win. When Ision finally moved up to Warlord he was angered in having to settle for 80% of the wonders. Ision often went to war with another CIV - he called his war style ‘methodical’. The objective: 2 to 4 cities and then peace treaties. Methodical my ass! In truth he never had the nerve to press a war to total victory or the limits of his Civs war weariness.
Ision’s cities were a sight to behold – fully loaded with every building known to man (or CIV). I do believe he tried to build a coastal fortress in his inland Capitol! Ision always had the tech lead – an amazing coincidence really, it defied all the odds.
So what finally brought this to end? What was the straw that broke the camels back? It happened one Regent game Ision had. He saw a pop-up screen he had never seen before, and it read:
"This game simply REFUSES to reload again! I realize that you refuse to play unless you start with 3 cattle on bonus grassland next to a river - but for God sake! This is the 200th re-load! - you have sat there for 2 hours and haven't started playing yet! I have had enough - load up a game of Computer RISK and leave me the hell alone…"
That was it…………… Ision was cured.
Epilogue: Ision currently lives in quite isolation as a solid and non-cheating Monarch/Emperor player. He has won at Deity several times but prefers the game dynamics of Monarch and Emperor. The disgrace and shame of those days haunt him to this very day.
Ision loved polls! Among his favorites were the ‘what is the best Civ/trait/uu polls. He participated in all of these. Amazingly, he always seemed to vote with the majority (300 other newbies that were also looking for a short cuts and cheats). He read through the expert articles – true enough – but he always found an excuse for not actually trying it. Had you monitored his games back then you would have been sure Ision could not swim. He always played standard Pang maps, often repeating the ‘island maps suck anyway’ or ‘the naval game in CIV is broken’ argument. He read those excuses on forums (other newbies scared to death of water), and they were perfect high-sounding excuses. Besides how the hell would he know - his feet hadn’t touched water since the day he started playing.
Ision always played the big 3 of the polls; Egypt, Persia, and China …… nobody else. No doubt had Ision been a newbie today, he would be playing the Mayans – only. After all, these were the BEST civs! If it wasn’t Industrious it had a disease. Ision was a build order freak. He lived by the same 2 or 3, and even wrote them down. You see he had to write them down, because after a while the build orders became over 30 turns worth of scripted play! It is rumored that he was once seen crying pathetically while re-starting a game in which he failed to pull off the Pyramids. I for one refuse to believe it.
Ision averaged 99.9999 % of all the wonders in the game. He was often caught smiling at the F7 screen; during his Chieftain level cultural win. When Ision finally moved up to Warlord he was angered in having to settle for 80% of the wonders. Ision often went to war with another CIV - he called his war style ‘methodical’. The objective: 2 to 4 cities and then peace treaties. Methodical my ass! In truth he never had the nerve to press a war to total victory or the limits of his Civs war weariness.
Ision’s cities were a sight to behold – fully loaded with every building known to man (or CIV). I do believe he tried to build a coastal fortress in his inland Capitol! Ision always had the tech lead – an amazing coincidence really, it defied all the odds.
So what finally brought this to end? What was the straw that broke the camels back? It happened one Regent game Ision had. He saw a pop-up screen he had never seen before, and it read:
"This game simply REFUSES to reload again! I realize that you refuse to play unless you start with 3 cattle on bonus grassland next to a river - but for God sake! This is the 200th re-load! - you have sat there for 2 hours and haven't started playing yet! I have had enough - load up a game of Computer RISK and leave me the hell alone…"
That was it…………… Ision was cured.
Epilogue: Ision currently lives in quite isolation as a solid and non-cheating Monarch/Emperor player. He has won at Deity several times but prefers the game dynamics of Monarch and Emperor. The disgrace and shame of those days haunt him to this very day.
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