Complaints Against Senor Calamari

[pikesfan]

[Señor Pikesfan, who forgot to eat lunch in all the excitement and is rather hungry, goes to the plate of Squid Fried With Onions which was placed on a side table and which everyone has forgotten about with Señor Calamari’s stunning revelation.]

Ugh, yuck, Onions! But I’m so starving I’ll just have to pick them out.

[Why is the undercook making as if to run away?]

Wait a moment. This doesn’t taste like Squid Fried With Onions from Señor Calamari’s own table. I’ve eaten that. This tastes like Señor Mitchell’s Spam Brand Squid! Ohhh, Aunt Esmeralda, I don’t feel so good

[Señor Pikesfan turns quite green and then black as rotten squid ink, and then poor Ronnà Pikesfan collapses]

Oh, the onions! Oh, my annals!

[and dies.]

[GeneralTacticus]

I would like to interrupr proceedings to draw atention to a certain statement made jdjdjd, in which he mentions the 'gods/goddesses' 'Artemis', 'Demeter' and 'Poseidon'. This heresy seems to be taking strong root in Iberian society, and I am therefore exercising the authority given me by our Great Despot Togas to place jdjdjd under arrest for blasphemy, heresy, and possibly demonic pacts. We shall conduct his trial in the shrine.

[mrmitchell]

So Senor Thug is alive!?! Then why didn't he come back!!! I did not set this up!!!
I would not set this up!!! And still, there is the question, why did Senor Calamari become tense after I told him Thug was on watch of my Squid-catching shores!!!


I do not despise competition near enough to use underhanded ways to get rid of them!!! Lies!

[jdjdjd]

I forgot one thing, Senor Calamari, while a bear, did steal my picnic basket, despite his small freind, who had also been turned into a small bear, cries of "No, Yogi, Mr. Ranger will find out".

Now I must go, as the guards are coming to take me to the Shrine, may the great Poseidon save me.

[History Guy]

Senor Mitchell, I will now have to press charges for the plot against my company and the murder of Senor Ronni (who is now being replaced by a close relative). It is clearly evident from my evidence that you were planning to discredit me and blacken my good name, and now we have evidence that you had your undercook poison my good friend and fellow historian, Senor Ronni Pikesfan, whose funeral will be presided over by the High Priest, and will be the biggest funeral since Togas I. This is serious for you indeed. I could always, of course, drop all charges if you were to sell me your squid company, or something like that...

As for Senor Thug, as you can see, he is alive and well, and quite upset that you haven't paid him the extra 12 bones you appear to have promised him. And as for why I was nervous, it was because I saw that the river was fast moving and that there were some individuals who were falling in and disappearing forever. I feared for his life, and so tactfully moved him from the vicinity. Unfortunately, it seems to have been a wicked and cunning set up!

Senor Jdjdjd, I know nothing of this. Do you know any of this, Boo Boo? No. There, you see?

Hernan de History Guy Calamari
Squid Baron

[Arnelos]

As Thug is a slave, it would not be appropriate to refer to him as SENOR Thug, would it?

[mrmitchell]

Senor Calamari, can you give me a letter that said when I promised Thug 12 bones? My memory is not that efficient in my old age.

Aside from that, I will not be available until later as I am myself going to watch the shores where we catch our Squid.

(And also, what Senor Calamari is saying, its lies, all lies )

[Togas]

Decision of the Great Despot

I have heard enough in this matter!

I will not have any counter "charges" or other complicated nonsense added to this debacle. It is clear to me that Thug is an idiot, not a well educated slave as Senor Mitchell claims. Senor Calamari states clearly that he wouldn't trust Thug as far as he could throw him and I certainly do not trust the word of this slave.

A slave is property. That property has not been lost and therefore there has been no loss to anyone save me for having to hear this complaint.

However, I do not find that Senor Calamari was without fault as he is the one who plainly admits to throwing Thug into the water and down the waterfall.

I find that Thug is at fault for hiding himself from his master and causing this pointless stir.

I find that Senor Mitchell is at fault for having bad calamari that killed Senor Pikesfan.

THEREFORE, The following is my ruling on this matter:

For my amusement and for the amusement of us all, the slave Thug will be thrown BACK into the river to ride over the edge of that very waterfall. Should he survive the trip, Senor Calamari will give one day's worth of profits from his Calamari sales to Senor Mitchell.

And should he survive the trip, he shall be thrown in AGAIN the following day. Again, if he survives that day, Senor Calamari shall pay Senor Mitchell one day's profits.

This shall be repeated for up to SEVEN times. Each time, the same rules apply.

Should he survive all seven trips, he shall be returned to his master Senor Mitchell to do with as he pleases.

All citizens are invited to watch these tossings and to make wagers on the results. Furthermore, a festival will be held that will continue on a nightly basis for as long as the slave Thug survives his trip.

At the end of the festival Senor Mitchell shall pay for a giant feast in honor of Senor Pikesfan that will be presided over by our High Priest. Senor Mitchell shall make great offerings to the spirit of the man and to the spirits of his family in accordance with the instructions of the High Priest.

So it is said. So it shall be done.

--Togas

[History Guy]

I agree with your decision, as it is, as all your decisions, fair. All of your decisions are wise and noble.

However, you will please note that no where have I admitted throwing Thug into the river, indeed, I have said that I threw him across the river and onto the bank on the other side, where he scurried away uninjured. I was attempting to save him from disaster, as he appeared to be sliding into the fast moving river. Had I not done so, an actual disaster may have occured, and a true tragedy as well.

Also, the property was not destroyed, and thus there is no cause for this trial, therefore, if Senor Mitchell is pressing charges, he is doing it in defiance of all fairness or any law of the land, and if this factor is ignored, a grievous miscarriage of justice may be unnavoidable. Not, mind you, that I mean to suggest that our wise dictator would be responsible for just such a miscarriage.

However, please excuse me for this foolishness. It is only the mere ramblings of an old man. Our dictator is all wise and he only makes the right decisions.

I trust the spirits whom favor me so much shall look kindly upon me and take as sacrifice the said property of Senor Mitchell. (OOC/ In other words, I'd hope Thug just sinks on the first day and we get this one over with! OOC)

Hernan de History Guy Calamari
Squid Baron

[History Guy]

Errr...and also, when are these "sea-worthiness trials" to begin? What date are they scheduled to fall upon?

(If I'm lucky, it'll be tomorrow after the heavy rainfall that is being predicted...ahahahaha!)

[History Guy]

.

[mrmitchell]

I have returned, and I have terrible news!!!

I have hidden in the bushes near our Squid-catching shores. I have seen, twice, slaves of the Calamari clan dumping their chamberpots into our waters. Worse, they looked around to make sure no one was watching, meaning that they knew very well the local Squid would eat the contents of the chamberpots (ugh...I'm going to go throw up) and then they would be caught and packag--

MUST MAKE IT TO CHAMBERPOT!!!

[History Guy]

What's worse:

I was hiding in the bushes behind the bushes in which Senor Mitchell was hiding, and witnessed him pay off a group of men to empty my missing chamberpot's contents into his river...I could vaguely here the conversation.

One of the guys: But, boss, why are you doing this?

Senor Mitchell: For the insurance!! Ahahahahahaha!

Obviously, he is trying to incriminate me further. It would only be just and mete to bring about an end to this idiotic complaint right now, and continue working in a civilized way, instead of witnessing the immoral and corrupt policies that are so evident in Senor Mitchell's line of business. Anything otherwise would be a miscarriage of justice!

Hernan de History Guy Calamari
Squid Baron
Who thinks this whole issue has been blown wildly out of proportion!

[Arnelos]

Originally posted by History Guy
As a tragic footnote, I was today witness to the sad death of none other than the slave, Thug.

I do not lie.

Thug was being taken to a stone prison under guard to be locked up in wait of the festival when he suddenly broke free from the grip of his guards and ran off. He apparently was afraid that he'd sink during the festival, and did his best to escape.

He was closely followed by the running guards, who threw their throwing axes at him to no avail.

Thug reached the shrine, and prepared to rush up the stairs to get inside, it seems to claim sanctuary at the altar. Unfortunately for him, a great bolt of lightning then appeared in the sky behind the shrine of the High Priest and struck him dead, leaving little behind other than a pile of ash, several fingers, and both pinkies. He is, it seems, dead.

We can only suppose that it was the act of the great spirits to do what they must have thought to be right. They can make no mistake, and no man dare speak against their decision. They must have taken Thug up as a sacrifice as the High Priest prayed on my behalf, and seen this as fit atonement, bringing this whole sad event to an end.

I trust that the High Priest will deliver his interpretation of the events in due course. I certainly hope so.

I am at a loss here, though. What will become of the festival? Unless we want to toss in the ashes and fingers of Thug, it's going to be quite hard to get a kick out of much of anything. What is to be done?

Has justice been appeased, and the true guilty party been punished?

And what is to become of the sad Pikesfan murder?

Hernan de History Guy Calamari
Squid Baron

It is obvious that whatever demonic spirit that is in allegiance with you is opposed to the will of Togas, since this demon acted to thrwart that will.

You must have made a most heinous of a pact with that foul spirit to induce it become an enemy of Togas. As such, you obviously wish to be an enemy of Togas, praying to evil spirits to thwart his will.

I wonder how Lord Togas and his High Priest will react to this. Though you have been, by all appearences, an upstanding and patriotic citizen of the Iberia tribe, this atrocity may go too far to even save one so liked as you.

Should your life be spared, it would be the ultimate height of mercy... I suggest you pray to spirits more aligned with the will of Togas in the future...

[History Guy]

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