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The Jungle Gazette
____________________________________________
Your light in the Jungle- August 10th, 570 B.C.
Apolytonia at the Brink...?
Rumors of war and revolution abound at the forums of Apolytonia. Whispers of discontent have been uttered by many a member of the populace, and some have been brash enough to suggest a revolution, to throw off the current government and to establish a new one. For a couple of days, things were real dicey, but it appears that talk of a revolt has cooled. SMC Uber was the chief proponent of the extreme step, but other notables opposed him, including President Ninot and Vice-President Timeline. The troubles came after the last Cabinent meeting, where little was accomplished. While revolution appears to be on the back burner now, the issue of government reform seems likely to be at the fore-front of issues during upcoming elections.
Click Here to go to the forum discussion about the revolution
Meanwhile, another conflict appears brewing, one between France and our peaceful nation. SMC Uber has been very busy as of late, and all attempts to interview him have been denied. President Ninot and Vice-President Timeline have also been somewhat worried lately, as if they have other things on their minds. In fact, Timeline has been quietly polling around, to sense the mood of a possible war with France. The reasons for a possible conflict are unclear at this time, but possibly relate to the slow creeping up of French borders with Apolytonia, preventing growth, and slowly strangling the nation. The Military as been visibly concentrated in Termina lately, with over half a dozen battalions of Swordsmen practicing and drilling for war. These new soldiers, now upgraded from warriors, were made possible thanks to the new road that has been connected to Ubergorsk, which was then connected to a nearby source of iron. This metal resource will go a long way in improving our army. Its potential uses are limitless. Also, two galleys of the recently created Apolytonia Navy have been seen off the coast. Should any new developments arise, the Jungle Gazette will keep you posted.
Click Here to learn more about possible War Plans.
Apolytonia Enters a New Age!
Our Minister of Science, Apocalypse, has announced that our great nation has entered a new age. No longer are we in what scholars call the "Ancient Age", now we are in the "Midieval Age." Already the is an architectural revolution occuring, as buildings across Apolytonia are refurbished to show the change in society. A whole host of new wonderful scientific discoveries present themselves, including: Engineering, a process to alter the land, Feudalism, a way of organizing society(with possible military benefits!) as well as monotheism, the belief in a single, supreme diety. The future of our nation looks bright!
Apolytonia Celebrates its New Navy!
Joyful citizens took to the streets in jubilation after the construction of the first two galleys of the Apolytonia Navy. The Navy will act as the guardian of our great nation at sea, as well as help explore new lands and help Apolytonia colonize abroad. This is a great moment in the history of our nation, as the seas shall soon be ours.
Upcoming Elections Devoid of Candidates!
Many have already noticed that elections are just days away, and that the time has come yet again to see who will lead our great nation to glory. However, this election is significant has many of the nations most presitgious leaders, leaders like Ninot, Timeline and Uber, will not be running for office again. Already many citizens have expressed to the populace their inablity to run for office, leaving the citizenry with few choices at the polls. At the time of Printing the candidated for President and Vice-President are running unopposed, in fact only the position of Minister of Imperial Expansion seems to be contested at this time. And several positions are even empty! Hopefully more people will step up to the challenge, and help keep the Democracy of Apolytonia strong and vibrant with a vigorous civil debate.
Click here to go to the campaign nomination thread.
________________________________________________
Letters to the editior:
Dear UnOrthOdOx,
We have been searching for days for any sight of jdjdjd, alas, to no avail. It pains me to say it, but we do not have the supplies to go any farther - indeed, we hardly have enough to return. The mission has failed. I pray to the great Banana to deliver us safely upon the shores of our homeland. Maybe this is a sign that the vast Apol Ocean is forbidden to those of the Banana. I hope that this is not so. If it is so, then to what purpose have we lost our beloved jdjdjd? To what purpose have we expended so much time and labor? I have an urge to again go forward into the unknown, to desert the Banana who has taken away from us the great Explorer. It seems fitting that we should follow him.
No, I will take us home. I will not sacrifice the others on a mad quest, though some say that this was from the beginning. We must learn the ways of the water, and conquer it. Before that, though, we must bring glory to the Banana through conquest, for only then will it allow us, in turn, to have glory.
Yet I was the one who lost him. I was the one who failed when jdjdjd needed me most. If only I had done better...
I awaken from my reverie to see the faces of our crewmen. I realize that I have been standing, silent. I speak to them. "We have failed. Our Captain is lost. We have not reached Uber's Isle. Apol, the oceanic avatar of the Banana, has turned his back on us. We shall return to our homeland, to the blessed shores of Apolytonia." I say no more; I simply return to my station.
- skywalker
This letter was received yesterday, bearing great news!
Dear Mssrs. Tassadar5000 and UnOrthOdOx:
I am sorry to bother both of you with this report, but I have lost track of time, and am not sure what day it is. You may know already that Dog and I have been extricated from the AES Santa Banana, by force of a terrible storm. If our demise has been reported, it, once again, has been greatly exaggerated. I pray the boat and crew have survived, and would appreciate any word on their condition. My apologies to the crew, President Ninot and to Apolytonia for not adequately securing myself once the storm hit and for not handling the voyage as it should have been. I hope the crew has met with the same luck that seems to keep me bouncing around this amazing world of ours.
Currently, I am west of the Great Rift, as I can see those mountains looming to the East. I assumed this to be the territory of the Iroquois people I had previously met outside of Paris, but can not say for sure, as I have not seen a person since making landfall last night. There are great plains in this area, and the only life I have seen besides Dog's the pigeons' and mine, are the beautiful beasts, known as horses. They roam free here and are a slendor to behold. We will make our way to the foothills leading to the Mountains, though I am hesitant to transverse the territory of the French again.
To go back to how we became separated from the crew, it seems like it was months ago if it was a day, but I surmise that it has been no more than a week. The storm came upon us very quickly. The sail had been taken down, and the crew was at their oars. Kring was at the rudder, and I was standing near him keeping pace for the crew and keeping an eye out at the sea. Beyond that, I can tell you very little. A great wave came down on the boat, knocking me overboard, and I must have been knocked unconcious. The next I knew I was some distance from the boat, but I could not see it, only hearing the voice of The Dark Lord. I was awoke by the nudging of the boat's table, which Dog was pushing into me. I grabbed onto it, and then grabbed onto him. I helped Dog onto the table, and I also climbed on, on my stomach with legs in the water.
All we could do was hang on for dear life, I could not even get the breath to yell to the boat, as I was swallowing so much water from the waves. I think I must have passed out again at some point, because the next I knew it was night time and the storm had passed, though the sea was still mildly rough . I noticed that two of the pigeons had joined us, and they were perched on Dog's head, asleep. Their cage must have been destroyed in the storm, I am unsure of what happened to the rest that would have been with them. Dog was also asleep, and so I drifted back out, there was nothing to do now in the pitch dark.
The next morning I awoke at sunrise, to the sound of voices. I looked to see if perhaps it was the crew but it was not. There were a small band of men in a vessel smaller than our boat, but similar to it. They wore white tunics and had long flowing hair. They were clearly not speaking a language I heard before. I jumped up to wave to them, and Dog began to bark. They heard us and headed their boat towards us. I was hoping they would assist us, but they apparently had something else in mind. They grabbed me and Dog, and dragged us onto their boat, chaining us to the hull. I did not expect this, and tried to reason with them in Egyptian, English, Roman and French, but they did not know any of these languages. Their only replies were grunts.
I sat there wondering how I would get out of this, when they started to sharpen an ax they had. What kind of barbarians are these, I thought, could they be cannibals? One of them started towards me with this newly sharpened ax, and my life started to flash before my eyes. I remembered everything from the time as a child playing "kick the rotten banana" with Godking at the banana dump, to the time being chased from STOP headquarters, to the beautiful French girl, Clarisse, who turned on me, to the ride on the whale; all of it flashed before me like a flood. And then suddenly one song stuck in my brain:
Momma, take this badge away from me
I can't use it anymore
Its getting dark, too dark to see
I feel I'm knocking on heaven's door
The barbarian got closer, Dog growled intently, and then, suddenly, out of nowhere came a tremendous crash into the boat. We all were shaken, the barbarian with the ax fell to the floor, dropping his ax. Then, again, BAM!, another crash into the boat. The barbarians were scared and huddled to one side of the boat. Then another crash, and another. The boat would probably take no more. Then another, the ax slid towards me in reach of my hands, I grabbed it and with a Whack freed myself from the hull. Then I freed Dog. Another crash, and water was now shooting through the hull of the boat. For the first time I looked at the sea to see what was happening and there he was, in all his grandness, my friend the whale.
The barbarians tried to get the boat going, but it kept sinking. I grabbed Dog, and we jumped onto the whale's back. The pigeons dropped down from their flight to join us, they apparently had been flying nearby keeping us in their sites. He then rushed us off, and eventually dropped us here in these Great Horse Plains, some time after night fall yesterday. Quite amazing, I find myself blessed by the Banana and his creations, the animals. First, the monkeys, then Dog, then Godking's Cat, and now the whale; all saving me from the evil of men. Life is funny:
Well, maybe there's a god above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
And cold and broken, I say Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, I love this life.
I await word from you on the crew, may the Banana bless them.
I remain,
jdjdjd
Another letter from Skywalker
Dear UnOrthOdOx,
Unforseen circumstances have forced me to flee Apolytonia. Therefore, I entrust all of my property to the Jungle Gazette. I trust you to use it wisely, and to continue developing my plantations. I will eventually be back to claim it. Now, let me explain the circumstances of my flight.
It was night, and I was out surveying my Del Monte plantations while the workers were not there to try and cover up any mistakes. I wanted to see how they had done in my absence. As I neared the end of my inspection, I started to feel uneasy, as if something bad were to happen. I was right. Five arrows suddenly buried themselves in the wall of the shed behind me. My bodyguards immediately surrounded my, creating an impenetrable wall of their shields. They were huge men, warriors of Uber's might and skill. I thought. A somehow familier form leapt from the shadows with twenty or so swordsmen, falling upon my guards like an anvil. Amazingly, my men stood their ground, and one of them told me to go, quickly, while they held off the attackers. I hadn't known of such devotion. I ran to the edge of the shed, which was coincidentally the armory for my regular plantation guards. I grabbed a crossbow, and killed three of the attackers with it before running to my mansion. There, on the mantle of the fireplace, was a sword I'd had made from the iron in a falling star. It gleamed in the night, and after picking up a shield and a dagger from the hall displays, I ran back to the fight.
Five of my men were down, but they had taken almost all of the enemy with them. The last one, who was wounded, was engaged in a pitched swordfight with the leader. Suddenly, I recognized him. It was TIMELINE! I watched in fascination as he killed my last bodyguard, but he sustained such wounds that he could not pursue me. I fled as fast as I could, after picking up some provisions and my horse, Apol. I rode west, towards Greece. I will seek protection in Alexander's court, and hope that someday it will be safe to return. I offer my condolances and gratitude to the families of my guards, and promise that they will be well cared for. Finally, I plead Uber to assign some soldiers whom he trusts to guard my plantations, for I know that my regular guards will not be able to stand against the soldiers Ninot can incite to attack it. I have always donated great sums of bananas to our government, so you must care to preserve these estates. Be careful - Ninot and Timeline may be after you as well, trying to get rid of the rebels, but you, I'm sure, can call upon the Army to protect you.
- skywalker
editors note: all attempts to locate and communicate with Skywalker have failed, which, in the view of the editor, may not be a bad thing.
This letter was just recieved and managed to be put into the paper just in time.
Dear Donal,
Unforseen events have led to my extended absense. One minute, I wa sound asleep in the chambers provided by Lincoln, and next thing I remember I was being awaken by the back of a hand.
So far, I have been able to surmize that I am no longer in America. No, there is the familiar scent of Wine in the air. The very same wine that jdjdjd sent back so long ago. I am in France. My days have been not but a constant beating and questioning to this point. Joan is obsessed with the SETI device and communication with Phoenatica.
I am fortunate to have managed to hide away some left over writing supplies. Then the Banana smiled on me yet again. One of jd's monkey's must have been following me. I recognized him by te peculiar scar on his ear. I pray that he manages to remain undetected in bringing this back to you.
If it can be managed, get word to jdjdjd of my plight. I am convinced that with his knowledge of the terrain, we cn manage an escape. Time is of the essence, as I am sure that once our invasion plans begin, I will be put to the stake.
- UnOrthOdOx
Here is an advertisement from rendelnep
Are you sick and tired of boring religions that offers only one god to worship?
Do you wonder if there are more gods than the great banana himself?
Do you constantly fret at the thought that your sacrifices are not being responded to therefore find them pointless?
Well, here at Fruit bowl cult we offer wide selection of gods at discount prices!!!
Here is what we offer for a simple monthly tithe of B1.99 or an annual monkey sacrifice:
No sacrifices for the first 10 blessings or pardons
Monkey back guaranteed: If you aren't fully satisfied that the blessing you ordered was granted to your satisfaction then your monkey will immediately return to life fully healed and with out a scar on his body!
A handcrafted porcelain fruit bowl
and finally
You own copy of the special swimsuit edition of the Fruit Bowl Holy Book.
So why delay? Join today!!!
Subject to the following terms and conditions:
I. Joining will immediately result in follower's soul ownership being transferred to the Fruit bowl gods.
II Failure to make agreed sacrifrices may result in Crop failure, contraction of diseases, conscription to the army under the command under the SMC or worse the armies of the opposition and possibly premature death.
III The following acts are considered sins and may result in the above events occurring:
murder, spam and stealing.
____________________________________________
Your light in the Jungle- August 10th, 570 B.C.
Apolytonia at the Brink...?
Rumors of war and revolution abound at the forums of Apolytonia. Whispers of discontent have been uttered by many a member of the populace, and some have been brash enough to suggest a revolution, to throw off the current government and to establish a new one. For a couple of days, things were real dicey, but it appears that talk of a revolt has cooled. SMC Uber was the chief proponent of the extreme step, but other notables opposed him, including President Ninot and Vice-President Timeline. The troubles came after the last Cabinent meeting, where little was accomplished. While revolution appears to be on the back burner now, the issue of government reform seems likely to be at the fore-front of issues during upcoming elections.
Click Here to go to the forum discussion about the revolution
Meanwhile, another conflict appears brewing, one between France and our peaceful nation. SMC Uber has been very busy as of late, and all attempts to interview him have been denied. President Ninot and Vice-President Timeline have also been somewhat worried lately, as if they have other things on their minds. In fact, Timeline has been quietly polling around, to sense the mood of a possible war with France. The reasons for a possible conflict are unclear at this time, but possibly relate to the slow creeping up of French borders with Apolytonia, preventing growth, and slowly strangling the nation. The Military as been visibly concentrated in Termina lately, with over half a dozen battalions of Swordsmen practicing and drilling for war. These new soldiers, now upgraded from warriors, were made possible thanks to the new road that has been connected to Ubergorsk, which was then connected to a nearby source of iron. This metal resource will go a long way in improving our army. Its potential uses are limitless. Also, two galleys of the recently created Apolytonia Navy have been seen off the coast. Should any new developments arise, the Jungle Gazette will keep you posted.
Click Here to learn more about possible War Plans.
Apolytonia Enters a New Age!
Our Minister of Science, Apocalypse, has announced that our great nation has entered a new age. No longer are we in what scholars call the "Ancient Age", now we are in the "Midieval Age." Already the is an architectural revolution occuring, as buildings across Apolytonia are refurbished to show the change in society. A whole host of new wonderful scientific discoveries present themselves, including: Engineering, a process to alter the land, Feudalism, a way of organizing society(with possible military benefits!) as well as monotheism, the belief in a single, supreme diety. The future of our nation looks bright!
Apolytonia Celebrates its New Navy!
Joyful citizens took to the streets in jubilation after the construction of the first two galleys of the Apolytonia Navy. The Navy will act as the guardian of our great nation at sea, as well as help explore new lands and help Apolytonia colonize abroad. This is a great moment in the history of our nation, as the seas shall soon be ours.
Upcoming Elections Devoid of Candidates!
Many have already noticed that elections are just days away, and that the time has come yet again to see who will lead our great nation to glory. However, this election is significant has many of the nations most presitgious leaders, leaders like Ninot, Timeline and Uber, will not be running for office again. Already many citizens have expressed to the populace their inablity to run for office, leaving the citizenry with few choices at the polls. At the time of Printing the candidated for President and Vice-President are running unopposed, in fact only the position of Minister of Imperial Expansion seems to be contested at this time. And several positions are even empty! Hopefully more people will step up to the challenge, and help keep the Democracy of Apolytonia strong and vibrant with a vigorous civil debate.
Click here to go to the campaign nomination thread.
________________________________________________
Letters to the editior:
Dear UnOrthOdOx,
We have been searching for days for any sight of jdjdjd, alas, to no avail. It pains me to say it, but we do not have the supplies to go any farther - indeed, we hardly have enough to return. The mission has failed. I pray to the great Banana to deliver us safely upon the shores of our homeland. Maybe this is a sign that the vast Apol Ocean is forbidden to those of the Banana. I hope that this is not so. If it is so, then to what purpose have we lost our beloved jdjdjd? To what purpose have we expended so much time and labor? I have an urge to again go forward into the unknown, to desert the Banana who has taken away from us the great Explorer. It seems fitting that we should follow him.
No, I will take us home. I will not sacrifice the others on a mad quest, though some say that this was from the beginning. We must learn the ways of the water, and conquer it. Before that, though, we must bring glory to the Banana through conquest, for only then will it allow us, in turn, to have glory.
Yet I was the one who lost him. I was the one who failed when jdjdjd needed me most. If only I had done better...
I awaken from my reverie to see the faces of our crewmen. I realize that I have been standing, silent. I speak to them. "We have failed. Our Captain is lost. We have not reached Uber's Isle. Apol, the oceanic avatar of the Banana, has turned his back on us. We shall return to our homeland, to the blessed shores of Apolytonia." I say no more; I simply return to my station.
- skywalker
This letter was received yesterday, bearing great news!
Dear Mssrs. Tassadar5000 and UnOrthOdOx:
I am sorry to bother both of you with this report, but I have lost track of time, and am not sure what day it is. You may know already that Dog and I have been extricated from the AES Santa Banana, by force of a terrible storm. If our demise has been reported, it, once again, has been greatly exaggerated. I pray the boat and crew have survived, and would appreciate any word on their condition. My apologies to the crew, President Ninot and to Apolytonia for not adequately securing myself once the storm hit and for not handling the voyage as it should have been. I hope the crew has met with the same luck that seems to keep me bouncing around this amazing world of ours.
Currently, I am west of the Great Rift, as I can see those mountains looming to the East. I assumed this to be the territory of the Iroquois people I had previously met outside of Paris, but can not say for sure, as I have not seen a person since making landfall last night. There are great plains in this area, and the only life I have seen besides Dog's the pigeons' and mine, are the beautiful beasts, known as horses. They roam free here and are a slendor to behold. We will make our way to the foothills leading to the Mountains, though I am hesitant to transverse the territory of the French again.
To go back to how we became separated from the crew, it seems like it was months ago if it was a day, but I surmise that it has been no more than a week. The storm came upon us very quickly. The sail had been taken down, and the crew was at their oars. Kring was at the rudder, and I was standing near him keeping pace for the crew and keeping an eye out at the sea. Beyond that, I can tell you very little. A great wave came down on the boat, knocking me overboard, and I must have been knocked unconcious. The next I knew I was some distance from the boat, but I could not see it, only hearing the voice of The Dark Lord. I was awoke by the nudging of the boat's table, which Dog was pushing into me. I grabbed onto it, and then grabbed onto him. I helped Dog onto the table, and I also climbed on, on my stomach with legs in the water.
All we could do was hang on for dear life, I could not even get the breath to yell to the boat, as I was swallowing so much water from the waves. I think I must have passed out again at some point, because the next I knew it was night time and the storm had passed, though the sea was still mildly rough . I noticed that two of the pigeons had joined us, and they were perched on Dog's head, asleep. Their cage must have been destroyed in the storm, I am unsure of what happened to the rest that would have been with them. Dog was also asleep, and so I drifted back out, there was nothing to do now in the pitch dark.
The next morning I awoke at sunrise, to the sound of voices. I looked to see if perhaps it was the crew but it was not. There were a small band of men in a vessel smaller than our boat, but similar to it. They wore white tunics and had long flowing hair. They were clearly not speaking a language I heard before. I jumped up to wave to them, and Dog began to bark. They heard us and headed their boat towards us. I was hoping they would assist us, but they apparently had something else in mind. They grabbed me and Dog, and dragged us onto their boat, chaining us to the hull. I did not expect this, and tried to reason with them in Egyptian, English, Roman and French, but they did not know any of these languages. Their only replies were grunts.
I sat there wondering how I would get out of this, when they started to sharpen an ax they had. What kind of barbarians are these, I thought, could they be cannibals? One of them started towards me with this newly sharpened ax, and my life started to flash before my eyes. I remembered everything from the time as a child playing "kick the rotten banana" with Godking at the banana dump, to the time being chased from STOP headquarters, to the beautiful French girl, Clarisse, who turned on me, to the ride on the whale; all of it flashed before me like a flood. And then suddenly one song stuck in my brain:
Momma, take this badge away from me
I can't use it anymore
Its getting dark, too dark to see
I feel I'm knocking on heaven's door
The barbarian got closer, Dog growled intently, and then, suddenly, out of nowhere came a tremendous crash into the boat. We all were shaken, the barbarian with the ax fell to the floor, dropping his ax. Then, again, BAM!, another crash into the boat. The barbarians were scared and huddled to one side of the boat. Then another crash, and another. The boat would probably take no more. Then another, the ax slid towards me in reach of my hands, I grabbed it and with a Whack freed myself from the hull. Then I freed Dog. Another crash, and water was now shooting through the hull of the boat. For the first time I looked at the sea to see what was happening and there he was, in all his grandness, my friend the whale.
The barbarians tried to get the boat going, but it kept sinking. I grabbed Dog, and we jumped onto the whale's back. The pigeons dropped down from their flight to join us, they apparently had been flying nearby keeping us in their sites. He then rushed us off, and eventually dropped us here in these Great Horse Plains, some time after night fall yesterday. Quite amazing, I find myself blessed by the Banana and his creations, the animals. First, the monkeys, then Dog, then Godking's Cat, and now the whale; all saving me from the evil of men. Life is funny:
Well, maybe there's a god above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
And cold and broken, I say Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, I love this life.
I await word from you on the crew, may the Banana bless them.
I remain,
jdjdjd
Another letter from Skywalker
Dear UnOrthOdOx,
Unforseen circumstances have forced me to flee Apolytonia. Therefore, I entrust all of my property to the Jungle Gazette. I trust you to use it wisely, and to continue developing my plantations. I will eventually be back to claim it. Now, let me explain the circumstances of my flight.
It was night, and I was out surveying my Del Monte plantations while the workers were not there to try and cover up any mistakes. I wanted to see how they had done in my absence. As I neared the end of my inspection, I started to feel uneasy, as if something bad were to happen. I was right. Five arrows suddenly buried themselves in the wall of the shed behind me. My bodyguards immediately surrounded my, creating an impenetrable wall of their shields. They were huge men, warriors of Uber's might and skill. I thought. A somehow familier form leapt from the shadows with twenty or so swordsmen, falling upon my guards like an anvil. Amazingly, my men stood their ground, and one of them told me to go, quickly, while they held off the attackers. I hadn't known of such devotion. I ran to the edge of the shed, which was coincidentally the armory for my regular plantation guards. I grabbed a crossbow, and killed three of the attackers with it before running to my mansion. There, on the mantle of the fireplace, was a sword I'd had made from the iron in a falling star. It gleamed in the night, and after picking up a shield and a dagger from the hall displays, I ran back to the fight.
Five of my men were down, but they had taken almost all of the enemy with them. The last one, who was wounded, was engaged in a pitched swordfight with the leader. Suddenly, I recognized him. It was TIMELINE! I watched in fascination as he killed my last bodyguard, but he sustained such wounds that he could not pursue me. I fled as fast as I could, after picking up some provisions and my horse, Apol. I rode west, towards Greece. I will seek protection in Alexander's court, and hope that someday it will be safe to return. I offer my condolances and gratitude to the families of my guards, and promise that they will be well cared for. Finally, I plead Uber to assign some soldiers whom he trusts to guard my plantations, for I know that my regular guards will not be able to stand against the soldiers Ninot can incite to attack it. I have always donated great sums of bananas to our government, so you must care to preserve these estates. Be careful - Ninot and Timeline may be after you as well, trying to get rid of the rebels, but you, I'm sure, can call upon the Army to protect you.
- skywalker
editors note: all attempts to locate and communicate with Skywalker have failed, which, in the view of the editor, may not be a bad thing.
This letter was just recieved and managed to be put into the paper just in time.
Dear Donal,
Unforseen events have led to my extended absense. One minute, I wa sound asleep in the chambers provided by Lincoln, and next thing I remember I was being awaken by the back of a hand.
So far, I have been able to surmize that I am no longer in America. No, there is the familiar scent of Wine in the air. The very same wine that jdjdjd sent back so long ago. I am in France. My days have been not but a constant beating and questioning to this point. Joan is obsessed with the SETI device and communication with Phoenatica.
I am fortunate to have managed to hide away some left over writing supplies. Then the Banana smiled on me yet again. One of jd's monkey's must have been following me. I recognized him by te peculiar scar on his ear. I pray that he manages to remain undetected in bringing this back to you.
If it can be managed, get word to jdjdjd of my plight. I am convinced that with his knowledge of the terrain, we cn manage an escape. Time is of the essence, as I am sure that once our invasion plans begin, I will be put to the stake.
- UnOrthOdOx
Here is an advertisement from rendelnep
Are you sick and tired of boring religions that offers only one god to worship?
Do you wonder if there are more gods than the great banana himself?
Do you constantly fret at the thought that your sacrifices are not being responded to therefore find them pointless?
Well, here at Fruit bowl cult we offer wide selection of gods at discount prices!!!
Here is what we offer for a simple monthly tithe of B1.99 or an annual monkey sacrifice:
No sacrifices for the first 10 blessings or pardons
Monkey back guaranteed: If you aren't fully satisfied that the blessing you ordered was granted to your satisfaction then your monkey will immediately return to life fully healed and with out a scar on his body!
A handcrafted porcelain fruit bowl
and finally
You own copy of the special swimsuit edition of the Fruit Bowl Holy Book.
So why delay? Join today!!!
Subject to the following terms and conditions:
I. Joining will immediately result in follower's soul ownership being transferred to the Fruit bowl gods.
II Failure to make agreed sacrifrices may result in Crop failure, contraction of diseases, conscription to the army under the command under the SMC or worse the armies of the opposition and possibly premature death.
III The following acts are considered sins and may result in the above events occurring:
murder, spam and stealing.
*drumrole*
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