Tweet
THE JUNGLE GAZETTE - WEDNESDAY EDITION
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR LIGHT IN THE JUNGLE!
Tassagrad Forum Building Collapses in Major Architectual Failure
Forum Bulding Collapses, American Involvement Suspected
Approximately 3 days before the release of the Jungle Gazette Wednesday Edition, the forum building in Tassagrad collapsed in a major architectual failure.
"Wow....It was....Someone came in, and suddenly everything began falling apart...." said one eyewitness, shortly after the building collapsed.
"The number of occupants (15) is astounding. With that number, one more person saying one more thing could definately collapse the building." Expert Soluoponnaig S. Okram of the Apolyton Construction Company commented while studying the pile of rocks and dirt that used to be the forums structure.
Upon further investigation, it was found out that the stones used for construction of the building came from an American Company called "United States Destruction, Eradication, And Demonlition Company", a company notorious for buiding structures with weak rock, had given the materials to Apolyton as a 'goodwill gift'.
"Is it not obvious what these Americans are trying to do? They are trying to make us build weak structures so that one day, they may take over Apolyton! We must not allow this to happen! I say we stomp over them and punish them for this heneious act!" Vice President Timeline commented in a speech to the Tassagrad people. President Abe Lincoln of the Americans was unavlaible for comment, but his secretary did have something to say.
"I know my.....boss, and he would never do such a thing! Not even to those Apolytonian pigs!" The secretary told the American News Newspaper.
The structual collapsed injured 1 person.
Interview With A Survivor
MWIA and Tassadar Sit Down and Talk about the Forums Collapse in Tassagrad
Today we sat down with MWIA, an actual survivor of the collapse, and talked with him. This is what he had to say....
[Tassadar5000] In the city of Tassagrad, what was your intial reaction as the forums began to collapse?
[MrWhereItsAt] I was paralyzed with confusion - was it a natural occurrence? Would it be small, like most Earthquakes, or would this be the big one that finally brought Apolytonia down? Afterwards, it is clear where I lay the blame, despite MarkG's attempts to convince me otherwise (just look at my sig for my finger-pointing).
[Tassadar5000] As the forums collapsed, how deep into the heart of the building were you? How did you escape?
[MrWhereItsAt] As they fell down around me, I must have been in a state of shock. I kept trying to enter the town forum to chat with fellow citizens, and it took me a while to realise the whole place had come down. I wandered aimlessly through over "sites" unaffected by the devastation, until finally...I snapped out of my delirious state and realised that I should be going back, helping to convince people it was over, we could come back and continue talking about things other than Internet porn. And here I am.
[Tassadar5000] Why do you think the structure collapsed?
[MrWhereItsAt] I think that the occupation limits were exceeded when a certain reporter, who I shall not name (look at my sig...) entered the full-to-bursting building. From there all it took was one word and the entire place folded up.
[Tassadar5000] Do you bear any ill feelings towards the reporter or even the architects whom worked tirelessly on the building?
[MrWhereItsAt] I have no reason to bear any malice towards the reporter (although I have reason to believe he is following me in an attempt to undermine my good name with some virulent story), as it is clear he was just doing his job. The architects have always denied structural instability, even after ...
[Tassadar5000] As you look at the devistation, how do you feel?
[MrWhereItsAt] I feel... empty. The time I spent wandering, wasting my time, I could have spent HERE wasting my time. And alone. Where is everyone. It's so cold here... Just me, you (the reporter) and some people staring at me, not saying anything. *Sniff*
[Tassadar5000] Thank you, and may the almighty Banana bless you.
[MrWhereItsAt] No problem.
The Jungle Gazette extends its deepest condolences to those mentally or physically injured during the collapse of the structure.
Life As a Minister
Next Week, a New Feature will Appear in the Jungle Gazette....But Only if YOU Help
Have you ever wanted to see what it's like to be a minister, but without the responsibilities of actually being one? Well, the Wednesday Edition of the Jungle Gazette is presenting.....Life as a minister!
A random minister will be chosen every monday, and will be given two days to write an article about theyre daily lives.
But, none of this will come true without your help. Write to your local minister today, and tell them that you want them to be elidgable to write theyre life as a minister.
Paid for by the Apolyton Jungle Gazette.
French Army "Too Close for Comfort"
Border Towns Begin Complaining of French Army Presence
Citizens in border towns such as Banana HQ are beginning to complain of a large French military presence.
"Why are they here? Now my children can't go out of city limits. They taunt our women and steal our stray chicken!" One farmer said in a letter to Jungle Gazette.
In recent days, a Persian Military Presence has been spotted near Banana HQ. They have thus far not entered Apolytonia territory however Apolytonia Citizens are complaining of harassment and theft.
"We are not stealing chickens from those women." Tonuoy Rehtie, the French Military Advisor, told Jungle Gazette reporters in a speech to the French people.
"That is ubsurd! Just five days ago some men with swords slaughtered one of my chicken and ate it! This is an outrage!" Mary Sue told us shortly after the speech.
This comes after a recent hit in Apolytonia-French relations.
"I mean, [Apolytonia is] just so @^(!&^(# annoying!" French President Joan D'Arc said during a "State of the Empire" address to the people.
"However, we feel safe. We have a nice little army brigade right next to us, and if those frogs decide to attack...We'll be ready." One Banana HQ citizen was heard saying. However, all of this begs one question:
Could this be a preclude to a French-Apolytonian war?
Phoenatica Establishes Embassy
Technologically Advanced People from Far Away Land establish Embassy
"We, the people of Phonatica, hereby establish an Embassy with the Apolytonia people. So let it be said, so let it be done!" Were the words that opened construction for the Phoenatican Embassy in Apolytonia.
"Wow....I didn't think there was anyone else on this Planet. Too bad we can't trade with them." Vice President Timeline commented as the tall structure was constructed. The structure consisted of material not yet invented by Apolytonia scientists including "glass" and "steel".
"We would be more than happy to sell you these secrets!! But........It takes a hundred years to get here." The ambassador said, as construction began.
Three days ago, a ship of...sorts arrived at Apolytonia. It contained information about the Phonatica culture and construction materials for an embassy.
Letter to Mr. UnOrthoDox, c/o the Jungle Gazette
JDs latest serving.
Dear Mr. UnOrthoDox:
As you may know, I have returned safely to Apolyton Village, as have Mr. Moral Hazard and Young Mr. Skywalker. I am glad to be back to the Village, and glad to see that life is different since the Imperial Guard was revamped and reorganized.
I have had the pleasure to have corresponded on the topic of the High Court for the few days leading to my arrival back in this fair village, with such dignitaries as Major Captian, of the Imperial Guard Academy; Mr. Epistax, the cartographer; Mr. Togas, Esq., the lawyer; Ex-President Trip; my old friend Mr. Godking, the vet and entrepeneur; Mr. Kramerman of the Imperial Guard; Mr. Not You Either, from the War Academy; Mr. Sheik from the DIA; of course, Mssrs. Hazard and Skywalker, as well as many others, who I hope are not offended if I do not list them. It was good to get into such an exchange of ideas and analysis; something I have not had much of since that fateful night I fled the Village.
While we approachd the Village, we did correspond as mentioned, with the monkeys delivering our messages, as the rest of us took our time making our way home...both Young Skywalker and Mr. Hazard were still some what slowed by their injuries, by now I am sure you know they are on the path to recovery. Once we reached within a days walk of the Village, we were honored to have met with His Honor, Vice President Timeline. He had road on his horse to meet us, when he heard of our approach to the village. It had been a while since I had seen him and his face was worn from the stress of recent events, but he was ever so pleasant and glad to see us. And I was glad to see he still carries the short blade I gave him so many years ago.
He had brought an extra horse, and bade us all to climb on and make haste to the village, as there was much excitement. He told us of the passing of the High Court amendment, and the recent turmoil surrounding the presidential election. He also told me of such amazing news, that it nearly knocked me off my feet, I had been nominated to be on the High Court. I was elated and dumbfounded. I was also very glad to hear that the Major, Ex-President Trip, Mr. Not You Either and Mr. Epistax, were also nominated for the court.
We helped Young Skywalker and Mr. Hazard get on to the spare horse, and when the Vice President gave me a hand up to alight his horse, I waived my hand to indicate no thank you. I told him I would walk the remaining way, and begged he not be offended, but that I needed time to clear my head and organize my thoughts at the wonderful news. He promised to deliver my companions directly to Dr. PlagueRat, post haste.
They raced off, leaving Dog, the monkeys and myself behind. I quickly dispatched the monkeys to deliver to Mr. Godking some instructions for assisting me with putting my affairs in order, and also to collect some supplies for the voyage you probably have heard much about from Mr. Skywalker. We are putting together an excellent crew and I look forward to embarking. The crew includes Mssrs. Edrix (a strong young man from Terminus), Kring ( a whaler who has ventured onto the sea many times, but never this far), Dark Lord (a very large and intimidating man I am glad he is on my side), Kramerman (a military man and cartographer), and Shiber(a likeable realist, no voyage should be without one). Oh, and, of course, Skywalker, who is spearheading and paying for much of this voyage. We leave shortly after the "boat" (Banana float for short) is finished.
It is funny, I have been hailed as a "Great Explorer", if only they could see that I was just a man in the wrong place at the wrong time. If things had been different, and I did not have to flee the Village, or I had joined the DIA at its creation, I would be working for Mr. Godking on one of his many ventures, spending my nights alone in my hut in front of the fire. Or to prove my point....
I reached Apolyton well after nightfall on the day we met the Vice President. I walked to my hut, which, besides having quite a few cob webs, was left in tact. At the door was a gift from Mr. Godking, a combo chair and bed, flat like a bed and the top half could be raised to lift your head. The note on it simply said "Welcome Home - Godking". I dropped my pack on the ground next to it, and laid down on this chair-bed. With my hands clasped behind my head, Dog laying at my feet, and me looking at the stars, I took a good long breath. Glad to be home and glad to be able to rest, I drifted off to sleep.
Your friend,
jdjdjd
P.S. many thanks for the carrer pidgeons they should prove quite helpful on the impending voyage
On the Ledges at Eaglewatch
by noraB rebboR
The new road that stretches from Apolyton to Tassagrad, and from there on north to Banana HQ below the looming crags of Eaglewatch Mountain, grows busier every day. On the west side, the familiar jungle creeps right up to the roadside, dark and lush. The calls of tropical birds and the screeches of monkeys follow you as you travel. Workers mine quarries along the road. Peddlers and pilgrims pass back and forth between the cities. Banana harvesters wheel carts stacked with bananas to the urban markets. Everyone scurries to the side of the road, though, making way and staring wordlessly, when the troops pass through. They march in ranked formation, spearmen and archers, always north, to Eaglewatch.
Their pitched tents line the banks of the riverand crowd the base of Eaglewatch, ringing the towering cliffs.
The soldiers’ early bravado has worn off. They are not exactly apprehensive, but they are no longer blithely confident, either. They know that battle looms, and with it the very real possibility of death. The awareness leaves an unfamiliar taste in the mouth. The men stand guard duty, they sharpen their weapons, they wait.
When they can, they climb the lower ledges of Eaglewatch to gaze over the endless green folds of jungle canopy, straining for a glimpse of something beyond.
Of course, what they are straining to see lies far beyond eyeshot. New York waits unsuspecting, somewhere out there in the dense green. That city is said to straddle the dark, dank shores of another great river that threads sluggishly through the jungle, its broad, murky waters stained a rich wine-blood color by the dyes that grow along its banks.
Washington, it is said, also sits by a river, this one running cold and clear and swift from headwaters that gather in a pair of great mountains rising fafther east.
By the time they reach that city, the soldiers know, they will have left the jungle and broken out into grasslands that stretch for miles on all sides. And though I would never accuse our troops of being frightened, they are aware they will be open and exposed as they march those last few miles onto Washington.
The mapmakers that pour over their parchments in the palace corridors say we occupy a tiny piece of a vast land. It is hard to fathom, from the high ledges of Eaglewatch, with the jungle spread before the gaze in a seemingly limitless expanse of unbroken green. Mingling with the men, I ask them what they imagine the world is like out there, up north beyond the jungle, where the future battlefield waits.
A sergeant passing by overhears the question. “Never mind all that,” he advises, brusquely but not unkindly. “Make sure your speargrip is rosined, your spearhead sharp. Time enough for the rest of it when we get there.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR LIGHT IN THE JUNGLE!
Tassagrad Forum Building Collapses in Major Architectual Failure
Forum Bulding Collapses, American Involvement Suspected
Approximately 3 days before the release of the Jungle Gazette Wednesday Edition, the forum building in Tassagrad collapsed in a major architectual failure.
"Wow....It was....Someone came in, and suddenly everything began falling apart...." said one eyewitness, shortly after the building collapsed.
"The number of occupants (15) is astounding. With that number, one more person saying one more thing could definately collapse the building." Expert Soluoponnaig S. Okram of the Apolyton Construction Company commented while studying the pile of rocks and dirt that used to be the forums structure.
Upon further investigation, it was found out that the stones used for construction of the building came from an American Company called "United States Destruction, Eradication, And Demonlition Company", a company notorious for buiding structures with weak rock, had given the materials to Apolyton as a 'goodwill gift'.
"Is it not obvious what these Americans are trying to do? They are trying to make us build weak structures so that one day, they may take over Apolyton! We must not allow this to happen! I say we stomp over them and punish them for this heneious act!" Vice President Timeline commented in a speech to the Tassagrad people. President Abe Lincoln of the Americans was unavlaible for comment, but his secretary did have something to say.
"I know my.....boss, and he would never do such a thing! Not even to those Apolytonian pigs!" The secretary told the American News Newspaper.
The structual collapsed injured 1 person.
Interview With A Survivor
MWIA and Tassadar Sit Down and Talk about the Forums Collapse in Tassagrad
Today we sat down with MWIA, an actual survivor of the collapse, and talked with him. This is what he had to say....
[Tassadar5000] In the city of Tassagrad, what was your intial reaction as the forums began to collapse?
[MrWhereItsAt] I was paralyzed with confusion - was it a natural occurrence? Would it be small, like most Earthquakes, or would this be the big one that finally brought Apolytonia down? Afterwards, it is clear where I lay the blame, despite MarkG's attempts to convince me otherwise (just look at my sig for my finger-pointing).
[Tassadar5000] As the forums collapsed, how deep into the heart of the building were you? How did you escape?
[MrWhereItsAt] As they fell down around me, I must have been in a state of shock. I kept trying to enter the town forum to chat with fellow citizens, and it took me a while to realise the whole place had come down. I wandered aimlessly through over "sites" unaffected by the devastation, until finally...I snapped out of my delirious state and realised that I should be going back, helping to convince people it was over, we could come back and continue talking about things other than Internet porn. And here I am.
[Tassadar5000] Why do you think the structure collapsed?
[MrWhereItsAt] I think that the occupation limits were exceeded when a certain reporter, who I shall not name (look at my sig...) entered the full-to-bursting building. From there all it took was one word and the entire place folded up.
[Tassadar5000] Do you bear any ill feelings towards the reporter or even the architects whom worked tirelessly on the building?
[MrWhereItsAt] I have no reason to bear any malice towards the reporter (although I have reason to believe he is following me in an attempt to undermine my good name with some virulent story), as it is clear he was just doing his job. The architects have always denied structural instability, even after ...
[Tassadar5000] As you look at the devistation, how do you feel?
[MrWhereItsAt] I feel... empty. The time I spent wandering, wasting my time, I could have spent HERE wasting my time. And alone. Where is everyone. It's so cold here... Just me, you (the reporter) and some people staring at me, not saying anything. *Sniff*
[Tassadar5000] Thank you, and may the almighty Banana bless you.
[MrWhereItsAt] No problem.
The Jungle Gazette extends its deepest condolences to those mentally or physically injured during the collapse of the structure.
Life As a Minister
Next Week, a New Feature will Appear in the Jungle Gazette....But Only if YOU Help
Have you ever wanted to see what it's like to be a minister, but without the responsibilities of actually being one? Well, the Wednesday Edition of the Jungle Gazette is presenting.....Life as a minister!
A random minister will be chosen every monday, and will be given two days to write an article about theyre daily lives.
But, none of this will come true without your help. Write to your local minister today, and tell them that you want them to be elidgable to write theyre life as a minister.
Paid for by the Apolyton Jungle Gazette.
French Army "Too Close for Comfort"
Border Towns Begin Complaining of French Army Presence
Citizens in border towns such as Banana HQ are beginning to complain of a large French military presence.
"Why are they here? Now my children can't go out of city limits. They taunt our women and steal our stray chicken!" One farmer said in a letter to Jungle Gazette.
In recent days, a Persian Military Presence has been spotted near Banana HQ. They have thus far not entered Apolytonia territory however Apolytonia Citizens are complaining of harassment and theft.
"We are not stealing chickens from those women." Tonuoy Rehtie, the French Military Advisor, told Jungle Gazette reporters in a speech to the French people.
"That is ubsurd! Just five days ago some men with swords slaughtered one of my chicken and ate it! This is an outrage!" Mary Sue told us shortly after the speech.
This comes after a recent hit in Apolytonia-French relations.
"I mean, [Apolytonia is] just so @^(!&^(# annoying!" French President Joan D'Arc said during a "State of the Empire" address to the people.
"However, we feel safe. We have a nice little army brigade right next to us, and if those frogs decide to attack...We'll be ready." One Banana HQ citizen was heard saying. However, all of this begs one question:
Could this be a preclude to a French-Apolytonian war?
Phoenatica Establishes Embassy
Technologically Advanced People from Far Away Land establish Embassy
"We, the people of Phonatica, hereby establish an Embassy with the Apolytonia people. So let it be said, so let it be done!" Were the words that opened construction for the Phoenatican Embassy in Apolytonia.
"Wow....I didn't think there was anyone else on this Planet. Too bad we can't trade with them." Vice President Timeline commented as the tall structure was constructed. The structure consisted of material not yet invented by Apolytonia scientists including "glass" and "steel".
"We would be more than happy to sell you these secrets!! But........It takes a hundred years to get here." The ambassador said, as construction began.
Three days ago, a ship of...sorts arrived at Apolytonia. It contained information about the Phonatica culture and construction materials for an embassy.
Letter to Mr. UnOrthoDox, c/o the Jungle Gazette
JDs latest serving.
Dear Mr. UnOrthoDox:
As you may know, I have returned safely to Apolyton Village, as have Mr. Moral Hazard and Young Mr. Skywalker. I am glad to be back to the Village, and glad to see that life is different since the Imperial Guard was revamped and reorganized.
I have had the pleasure to have corresponded on the topic of the High Court for the few days leading to my arrival back in this fair village, with such dignitaries as Major Captian, of the Imperial Guard Academy; Mr. Epistax, the cartographer; Mr. Togas, Esq., the lawyer; Ex-President Trip; my old friend Mr. Godking, the vet and entrepeneur; Mr. Kramerman of the Imperial Guard; Mr. Not You Either, from the War Academy; Mr. Sheik from the DIA; of course, Mssrs. Hazard and Skywalker, as well as many others, who I hope are not offended if I do not list them. It was good to get into such an exchange of ideas and analysis; something I have not had much of since that fateful night I fled the Village.
While we approachd the Village, we did correspond as mentioned, with the monkeys delivering our messages, as the rest of us took our time making our way home...both Young Skywalker and Mr. Hazard were still some what slowed by their injuries, by now I am sure you know they are on the path to recovery. Once we reached within a days walk of the Village, we were honored to have met with His Honor, Vice President Timeline. He had road on his horse to meet us, when he heard of our approach to the village. It had been a while since I had seen him and his face was worn from the stress of recent events, but he was ever so pleasant and glad to see us. And I was glad to see he still carries the short blade I gave him so many years ago.
He had brought an extra horse, and bade us all to climb on and make haste to the village, as there was much excitement. He told us of the passing of the High Court amendment, and the recent turmoil surrounding the presidential election. He also told me of such amazing news, that it nearly knocked me off my feet, I had been nominated to be on the High Court. I was elated and dumbfounded. I was also very glad to hear that the Major, Ex-President Trip, Mr. Not You Either and Mr. Epistax, were also nominated for the court.
We helped Young Skywalker and Mr. Hazard get on to the spare horse, and when the Vice President gave me a hand up to alight his horse, I waived my hand to indicate no thank you. I told him I would walk the remaining way, and begged he not be offended, but that I needed time to clear my head and organize my thoughts at the wonderful news. He promised to deliver my companions directly to Dr. PlagueRat, post haste.
They raced off, leaving Dog, the monkeys and myself behind. I quickly dispatched the monkeys to deliver to Mr. Godking some instructions for assisting me with putting my affairs in order, and also to collect some supplies for the voyage you probably have heard much about from Mr. Skywalker. We are putting together an excellent crew and I look forward to embarking. The crew includes Mssrs. Edrix (a strong young man from Terminus), Kring ( a whaler who has ventured onto the sea many times, but never this far), Dark Lord (a very large and intimidating man I am glad he is on my side), Kramerman (a military man and cartographer), and Shiber(a likeable realist, no voyage should be without one). Oh, and, of course, Skywalker, who is spearheading and paying for much of this voyage. We leave shortly after the "boat" (Banana float for short) is finished.
It is funny, I have been hailed as a "Great Explorer", if only they could see that I was just a man in the wrong place at the wrong time. If things had been different, and I did not have to flee the Village, or I had joined the DIA at its creation, I would be working for Mr. Godking on one of his many ventures, spending my nights alone in my hut in front of the fire. Or to prove my point....
I reached Apolyton well after nightfall on the day we met the Vice President. I walked to my hut, which, besides having quite a few cob webs, was left in tact. At the door was a gift from Mr. Godking, a combo chair and bed, flat like a bed and the top half could be raised to lift your head. The note on it simply said "Welcome Home - Godking". I dropped my pack on the ground next to it, and laid down on this chair-bed. With my hands clasped behind my head, Dog laying at my feet, and me looking at the stars, I took a good long breath. Glad to be home and glad to be able to rest, I drifted off to sleep.
Your friend,
jdjdjd
P.S. many thanks for the carrer pidgeons they should prove quite helpful on the impending voyage
On the Ledges at Eaglewatch
by noraB rebboR
The new road that stretches from Apolyton to Tassagrad, and from there on north to Banana HQ below the looming crags of Eaglewatch Mountain, grows busier every day. On the west side, the familiar jungle creeps right up to the roadside, dark and lush. The calls of tropical birds and the screeches of monkeys follow you as you travel. Workers mine quarries along the road. Peddlers and pilgrims pass back and forth between the cities. Banana harvesters wheel carts stacked with bananas to the urban markets. Everyone scurries to the side of the road, though, making way and staring wordlessly, when the troops pass through. They march in ranked formation, spearmen and archers, always north, to Eaglewatch.
Their pitched tents line the banks of the riverand crowd the base of Eaglewatch, ringing the towering cliffs.
The soldiers’ early bravado has worn off. They are not exactly apprehensive, but they are no longer blithely confident, either. They know that battle looms, and with it the very real possibility of death. The awareness leaves an unfamiliar taste in the mouth. The men stand guard duty, they sharpen their weapons, they wait.
When they can, they climb the lower ledges of Eaglewatch to gaze over the endless green folds of jungle canopy, straining for a glimpse of something beyond.
Of course, what they are straining to see lies far beyond eyeshot. New York waits unsuspecting, somewhere out there in the dense green. That city is said to straddle the dark, dank shores of another great river that threads sluggishly through the jungle, its broad, murky waters stained a rich wine-blood color by the dyes that grow along its banks.
Washington, it is said, also sits by a river, this one running cold and clear and swift from headwaters that gather in a pair of great mountains rising fafther east.
By the time they reach that city, the soldiers know, they will have left the jungle and broken out into grasslands that stretch for miles on all sides. And though I would never accuse our troops of being frightened, they are aware they will be open and exposed as they march those last few miles onto Washington.
The mapmakers that pour over their parchments in the palace corridors say we occupy a tiny piece of a vast land. It is hard to fathom, from the high ledges of Eaglewatch, with the jungle spread before the gaze in a seemingly limitless expanse of unbroken green. Mingling with the men, I ask them what they imagine the world is like out there, up north beyond the jungle, where the future battlefield waits.
A sergeant passing by overhears the question. “Never mind all that,” he advises, brusquely but not unkindly. “Make sure your speargrip is rosined, your spearhead sharp. Time enough for the rest of it when we get there.”
Comment