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Originally posted by Kassiopeia
Out of Character: We had a bit of a hiatus with The Phalanx so some articles are really outdated. We'll get back on track with Issue #6 which shouldn't quite take two months to compile.
Out of Character: We had a bit of a hiatus with The Phalanx so some articles are really outdated. We'll get back on track with Issue #6 which shouldn't quite take two months to compile.
The Phalanx
Your only reliable and trustworthy resource for news on the Spartan Federation. To quote the Spartan Battle Manual:
Information, the first principle of warfare, must form the foundation of all your efforts. Know, of course, thine enemy. But in knowing him do not forget above all to know thyself. The commander who embraces this totality of battle shall win even with the inferior force.
In Issue #6:
Modo Doctrine announced! (News)
Government reformed! (News)
Tassadar joins Spartans ranks! (News)
Chiron Wars Episode II: The University Menace (Fiction)
Life in the Engineering Corps (Educational)
An Ode to the Mods (Prose)
Movie Reviws (Review)
Modo Doctrine announced!
by Lieutenant Colonel Maniac
In a special press conference today Lt-Colonel Googlie, Director of CRYPTEIA, the Spartan Data Security & Counterespionage Agency, and Lt-Commander Modo of the Spartan Auxiliary Navy, announced the “Modo Doctrine”.
Following the example of the Old Earth American Monroe Doctrine, they declared the following: “Sparta declares the inviolability of the Federation, its territory and its coastal waters, extending 8 tiles from its bases. Any vessel or unit, whether armed or unarmed, encroaching within this Federation Zone will be destroyed without warning.”
They also gave a stern warning to any foreign ships currently present in this Federation Zone to withdraw immediately or face the consequences, by being sunk by Sparta’s ever growing Coastal Guard, after the completion of the Maritime Control Centre the fastest of all Chiron.
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Government reformed!
by by Lieutenant Colonel Maniac
As of MY 2148, the Spartan Federation has gone through a governmental reform. The gradual democratization happening in the last few decades has been put to a halt. Instead a factional state of emergency has been declared, concentrating power with the military and especially the higher echelon Junta.
The reason for this state of emergency had not been released at the time. Speculations therefore had gone wild of course, ranging from a power struggle within the Spartan elite to an invasion of the Progenitors. Now three years later the reasons have been officially announced: the reforms were necessary to succesfully prepare for the University invasion.
Regadless, protest has risen against the annulation of certain Helot rights (a Helot is a Spartan non-citizen) and the increased government control over the economy. Some liberal Helots have even called the new regime “Fundamentalist”. We have not been able to ask these liberals for further comment though, as they seem to have mysteriously disappeared or died in unfortunate accidents.
One of the first changes announced by the now even more powerful Junta government was an increase in military spending. The aim of that budget increase is to build up the most powerful and unchallenged elite army on Chiron. To that end the current military HQ at the Santiago Citadel command center has been moved to Olympus Academy.
There a brand new Command Nexus has been built, equipped with the most modern information & communication technology, so strategists can even better guide our troops to victory!
Alongside these major reforms another minor measure was announced: an order to address Lt-Colonel Riveira with the title “Duce Maniac”. After some Dutch speaking Spartans started calling him the similarly pronounced “doetje” (softy) Maniac though, this measure was quickly reversed…
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Tassadar joins Spartan ranks!
by Lieutenant Colonel Maniac
When Comrade Tassadar and his group of exiles left the weak Morganic Republic in search of a better life, they faced many trials and tribulations along the way. Having become fat and lazy due to Morganic overindulgence the challenges they faced seem insurmountable - mindworms and other demons lurking in the corners and pockets of Planet, ready to end their quest for freedom and glory at any moment.
On Mission Year 2147, after their long search that has been called the Glorious People's Long March by historians, Tassadar and his group finally found Sector Cratersouth. Word has it that Tassadar was so overjoyed by this that he broke down into song (before being promptly arrested by the People's Spartan Internal Security Forces).
The citizens were so overjoyed that this group of people had so willingly abandoned their great wealth in order to advance the people's Revolutionary Army that the text of the song has now been solidified in Sparta's great, long, rich history!
Now, we present to you Achimun Pinnara!
..Recovering Satellite Image....Accessing Datalinks....Compromising Internal Security......Transmitting Data to
Faction Governments....Covering Tracks....Playing "DiversionVideo.mpg"....
*Cue the Music*
The morning sun has arisen, and shines over our great nation!
Our homeland has triumphed in defiance of the tempest storms!
My beautiful fatherland, may our youth never be repressed again,
Let us devote our minds and bodies to supporting our great Sparta!
My beautiful fatherland, may our youth never be repressed again,
Let us devote our minds and bodies to supporting our great Sparta!!!1
Glory to the Unified People and Soldiers of the Spartan Federation!
* * *
This has been a production of
СПАРТА СИНТРАЛ
ТЕЛЕVИЗАЙОН 2 -
Народное TV
SPARTA CENTRAL TELEVISION 2 - People's TV
For further information, please contact your local Barracks Propaganda Officer.
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Chiron Wars Episode II: The University Menace
by the esteemed members of the Junta
Lt-Col Maniac, safe and dry in Santiago Citadel's Command Center, wondered what the hell had happened with Operation Gaian
He sipped on his xenorum and fiddled with the holograph controls, trying to understand why the Gaians had a Perimeter Defense and why the kittens were burrowing upwards, then with a flash of brilliant insight, he realized that although the holograph glyphs were green - thus confusing everyone that they were Gaian, in fact they were Hive units, rendered green by the previous simulation program that had been run in the Command Center.
With another flash of brilliant insight, he remembered it was ages ago they had rendered an official Gaian simulation program, so he turned around and shouted: "Hey, Googlie, have you been playing games again on our tactical computer?!?"
Captain Googlie looked up with a snort - irritated at being interrupted from his tinkering with the Simulation mechanics to see if he could create a missile firing armored mindworm and frustrated that it always came out looking like a kitten - and nodded: "that was at Major Skanky Burns' request, Sir, as he wanted something completely different."
Meanwhile Jamski and the groundforces were coming to the same conclusion, as kittens wearing Hive uniforms were spotted, and vaporised. Amidst all this Kassiopeia found himself immersed in thought - if God kills a kitten every time you masturbate, what happens when you kill a kitten?
On the other side of the world, the Gaian 10 annual pornography meet started. God rolled up his sleeve and unzipped his pants.
And torrential rain, the likes of which hadn't been seen on Chiron for almost a millenia, fell on the bedraggled colonists, accompanied by hurricane force winds that swept across the fungus fields and whipped the temporary structures from their foundations, sending them careening across Chiron's menacing sky.
After the hurricane relocated Spartan Command the Spartans stepped outside and saw the Gaians headquarters next door. While the Gaian 10 annual pornography meet was in full progress.
Lady Deirdre had invited CEO Morgan to the shindig and for a "bit of this, that and the other," but Lt Colonel Maniac was surprised to see his old flame, Datajack Roze, there as well.
At the same time, Captain Kassiopeia's eyes almost fell out of their sockets when he saw the first Gaian girls.
YAY, JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRLS, screamed his neurons in unison, and in doing so, forgot to keep him conscious.
to be continued...
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Life in the Engineering Corps
by Lieutenant Colonel Maniac
A common misconception among other factions, and even among Spartan youngsters, is that the only way you can fulfill Federal Service and gain full Citizenship is by joining the army's combat forces, with all the accompanying risks of injury and death. Nothing could be further form the truth! But alas due to this misconception, many potentially talented Citizens hesitiate to join in Federal Service.
For that reason the Spartan Federation has organized an information campaign about alternative ways to serve your society.
Instead of shooting enemies of the Federation to pieces, you could for example heal them, by becoming an army doctor or nurse. Or when you graduate with a physics degree, you can have lots of fun researching and toying with our latest chaos weapons.
All ways you can serve Sparta safely! A third way is joining the Engineering Corps, where you can peacefully improve the infrastructure of our empire. Building roads, boreholes, condensers...
To provide an insight view of this Engineering Corps, we have with us for an interview Lieutenant Altavoz, former operator in our newest Tomcat-13 brigade.
Oyente: "Good evening, Lieutenant. We were wondering if you could give our viewers some details of the life as a member of the Spartan Engineering Corps."
Altavoz: "With all pleasure, Corporal Oyente! Working for the Engineering Corps is truly a dream come true! Serving for the Federation you get to see all corners of our empire, from the swampy jungle and the snowed mountain tops to the sunny palm beaches of Gythium Harbour! All this in a friendly sphere..."
"Sir sir!", a private comes running in screaming, "The worms got Johnny! They attacked us in Sector Five. Please send..."
"Err yes yes", Altavoz interrupts, "Please turn to your sergeant to solve this minor matter."
"Now were we, Corporal, hehe?" turning back to Oyente.
O: "A friendly sphere, sir."
A: " Ah yes of course!
As engineers we travel around the empire in a sphere of comradery. It is of course hard work from time to time, but that makes a man out of you! In return for your work, the Federation provides cost & living and you're perfectly safe from..."
Lieutenant!, the NCO for Radio Communications comes walking in, "I just got report from Former 13Q that a tree fell on their vehicle while they were..."
"Shut up!"
"But"
A: You dare speak against me?? Report to prison immediately!
"I'm sorry you had to observe this breach of discipline, but as you can see it has been dealt with swiftly! This discipline ensures everyone is safe at all times ,and can survive Federal Service intact. Join the Engineering Corps now! You won't reget it!
" Sir sir, our mine detonation team stumbled upon a lost mine and it exploded! There are twenty casualties and..."
"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!"
O: "Err I fear our dear lieutenant seems to be suffering from a nervous breakdown.
So far for the interview. Back to the studio. 
"Table of Contents
An Ode to the Mods
by Lieutenant Colonel Googlie
ACDG 3 was created by Buster,
with only a handful of edits.
But his performance was somewhat lackluster
As he screwed Morgan out of ten credits
So back to the drawing board it went
And the game quickly restarted
With Drogue seemingly hell-bent
On doing nothing half-hearted
So the turns he himself replayed
And quickly got it to AndiD
Who soon the correction okayed
(although it was just a band-aid)
Meanwhile Kody and HongHu were spamming
Shamelessly – in every forum
Notwithstanding the players were damning
This shocking lack of decorum
And Method and Kody were busy
Lobbying all the factions
Putting the teams in a tizzie
With their clearly unethical actions
What did they want, those mods?
Why – it was really quite simple
They wanted to be treated like Gods
Yet have positions just like real people
Then, suddenly, were the Angels caught
On an apparent rules violation?
The Mods’ ruling was sought -
As they’d discovered the Hive’s location
So finally the Mods had to yield
and they talked and discussed and debated
And decided to level the field
Which left the other factions elated
Hive co-ordinates were given to all
And quickly, faction by faction
The warmongers were having a ball
As they strategized military action
But alas, there’s no magic potion
For enslaving Yang alive
There are miles and miles of ocean
‘Twixt Sparta Command and The Hive.
to be continued...
Table of Contents
Movie Reviews
by Captain Zeiter
The Hunt for SCC Invincible
4 stars
In this action packed thriller, Hive intelligence discovers that the Spartan Federation has prototyped a new, extremely lethal ballistic missile submarine, codenamed the “SCC Invincible”. Lt. Commander Dissident of the SCC Invincible must prevent his ship and its planet busting capabilities from falling into Hiverian hands.
In addition, as he tries to outmaneuver and slip past the Hive probe cruisers, he learns that there are Hive saboteurs amidst his own crew. Now playing at the SC2 Holotheatre 16.
Chairman Yang and the “Chocolate” Factory
3 stars
This fantastical, yet somewhat disturbing children’s tale takes place in The Hive, where Chairman Yang holds a contest to see who can eat the most “Yummy Yang Chocolate Bars” in one minute.
The top five winners are then treated to a tour of Yang’s top secret “Chocolate” Factory. As each child breaks a rule while touring the factory, Yang calls in his “genejacks” who sing this peculiar song before taking the children away, "Genejack Factory, doopity-doo. I’ve got some bioenhancements for you.” Now playing at the OA Holotheatre 6.
The Amazing Fungus-Man 2
4 stars
Yep, your favorite worm-slinger is back, and he’s got more fungal spores than ever! This sequel, inspired by the popular comic book of the same name, is just as good, if not better than the original. In this installment, Patrick Parker, A.K.A. “Fungus-Man”, must thwart the evil Batyl Ron of Spartan Metagenics, who has an ingenious plan to eradicate all native life in a 1000 km radius of Sparta Command.
Fungus-Man is the only person aware of the catastrophic danger of agitating the planetmind with such an action. It’s a race against time for Fungus-Man to rescue his love, Sarah Jane, as well as the rest of humanity from this horrible disaster. Now playing at the SC1 Holotheatre 18.
Gangs of New Arzamas
3.5 stars
This historical drama details one young man’s life as a gangster trying to avenge his father’s death in the gritty slums of early 22nd century New Arzamas. Now playing at the SC3 Holotheatre 8.
National Lampoon’s Perihelion Vacation
3 stars
This zany comedy features a family that just happens to go on vacation to the wrong place at the wrong time – The Great Fungal Wall during Perihelion. Whoops! They have adventure after wacky adventure as they try to enjoy their vacation (and escape alive).
In fact, the scene with the demon boil had me laughing so hard…okay, I won’t spoil it for you, but if you think people having their brains getting ravenously devoured is funny, just wait until you see this! Now playing at the GH Holotheatre 14.
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And that's the end of that. If you have an article, PM me yada yada you know the drill.
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