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Editor's note: I know it's "relevant", I was in a hurry and I can't edit polls.
The Phalanx
Your reliable and trustworthy resource for news on the Spartan Federation. To quote the Spartan Battle Manual:
Information, the first principle of warfare, must form the foundation of all your efforts. Know, of course, thine enemy. But in knowing him do not forget above all to know thyself. The commander who embraces this totality of battle shall win even with the inferior force.
In Issue #4:
- Netflash! (news report)
- Gladiator Tournament Returns! (news report)
- Chairman Yang Morbidly Obese! (news report)
- Top Secret Battle Plans Leaked! (news report)
- Public Service Announcement from the Spartan Engineering Corps! (public service announcement)
Netflash!
In a surprising turn today, the Punctuation Department of the Ministry of Information has decreed that all newspaper headlines should for the time being end with an exclamation mark. The Phalanx is happy to follow this order to the letter.
Also, a strange animal has been captured in a patch of what's begun to be called "xenofungus". The finder of the animal, second-in-command of the Shinsengumi brigade of the 2nd Armoured Division, has tentatively named it "fungus thingus". Captain Kassiopeia, CO of the brigade, could not be reached for comment.
In a shocking discovery earlier this week, a Spartan recoinnassaince station captured a piece of communication between an unknown person and a member of the Pholus Lunar Outpost, Method, clearly identifying the reason for the recent disappearance of the first mate of the UNS Unity, Drogue. The snippet is as follows:
[name undetermined]: you demogame coup d'etat-er
Method: it would only be a coup if i had sabotaged drugs' bike by cutting the brake cable with wire cutters that i stole from Home Hardware last week after work.
While not explicit, it's pretty damning. The Spartan Covert Ops Department is investigating the case, and we will keep you informed. No action shall be taken against Method for now, however, and according to the Junta stripping Method of his Spartan titles is "absolutely out of the question".
Returning to our poll on hazing after Issue #4, the results indicate that 190% of our readers accept it while 520% do not. Both members of the League of Spartan Mathematicians have filed an official protest against the result for unknown reasons.
Table of Contents
Gladiator Tournament Returns!
by Lieutenant Colonel Maniac
Once again the traditional gladiator tournament was held at the nearing end of our current Mission Year. And once again the traditional City Parade was organized, a demonstration against the fights. But this year things ended differently. Sparta Command base governor Fernando Arroyo, known to be a conservative, had all demonstrators arrested on the following charges:
* Disturbance of public order
* Public nudity
* Suspection of sympathies for the Gaian naked treehuggers
To their horror, the demonstrators were immediately sent to the arena, as Sparta is suffering from a shortage of criminals - and thus possible gladiators. Repulsed by this course of affairs, shortly after new people came to the streets, demanding the release of the demonstrators, and defending the right to hold a City Parade. But in response supporters of the gladiator fights started counterprotesting the Parade-supporters.
Fortunately the Shinsengumi Armoured Brigade was able to intervene before things turned ugly. Yet tensions still remain. Both parties are holding petitions to rally for their cause, and are vying for your signature.
So what side do you support? Vote in our poll, and let us know! (See top of thread for poll options)
Table of Contents
Chairman Yang Morbidly Obese!
by Captain Zeiter
With the Hive forces met by the Spartan gun foil team and comlinks exchanged, the Spartan high command prepared for their conference with Yang. Lt. Col. Maniac and Captain Kassiopeia opened the vidfeed channel and waited anxiously. Finally, the image of Chairman Yang drifted into focus on the holoview. The entire Spartan high command recoiled in horror and disgust. Since Planetfall, Chairman Yang had ballooned in weight to over 2500 kg!
Before:
After:
Recent intelligence indicates that Chairman Yang is currently devouring over 150 kg of food a day. Apparently, Yang’s doctors continually warned him against his current eating habits, at least until last month, when Yang ordered them murdered for giving “unfavorable advice.” Our scientists estimate that Chairman Yang’s heart will collapse in on itself in approximately 7 months, unless Chairman Yang immediately reduces his food consumption. Even more troubling, Chairman Yang appears to be going insane. Barely able to construct the most basic sentences or form coherent words, Yang’s mind seems to be in a pathetic state. Here’s an exclusive audiofeed transmission from Hive HQ to illustrate:
Captain Kassiopeia: “I suggest that we discuss sharing our map data.”
Chairman Yang: “Iko waki lolo uda han solo."
Captain Kassiopeia: “Pardon me? I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand what you are saying.”
Chairman Yang: “Goda nadi wando hido millennium falcon, ho, ho, ho…”
Captain Kassiopeia: “Uhhh…okay...”
Thus, an insane psychopath currently commands the planet’s most powerful military and overall faction. We can only hope that Chairman Yang starts to restrain himself from eating huge amounts of food, and that he finds a way to pull himself out of his mental madness.
Table of Contents
And now a word from our sponsors:
Interested in buying the newest recon rover model, or a luxurious yaght foil? Want to follow a course in lasersabre rattling? Then contact Sparta immediately at 25-01-14-07 or 07-09-22-05 for more information! Transaction costs estimated at 25 credits. Partly refundable.
Table of Contents
Top-Secret Battle Plans Leaked!
by Captain Zeiter
Top-secret attack plans for a Hive invasion were leaked by an anonymous source within the Spartan high command some time last week. The attack plan, codenamed “Operation: Hiverian Freedom”, features several…erm…flashy graphic thingys that…erm…have lots of arrows that…erm…frankly, we at the Phalanx don’t have a clue what this is supposed to show. But here’s some analysis from our extremely competent expert on military operations:
“Yes, I am a military expert, so you’d think I’d be able to discern a good deal from this diagram. But clearly, this plan is of immense complexity and genius, such that only those in the Spartan high command would understand it, which is exactly why neither I nor anyone else can figure it out. I’m telling you, I’m not a worthless pundit! I deserve my six-figure salary! I could end your careers so fast that…oh no, not the nervestapler! Oh, please, mother of Santiago, not again!”
Others believe that the plans are encoded in a secret encryption language to which only the Spartan high command has the key. Intelligence indicates that Hive code breakers believe they have already broken part of the code. So far, they think they have this much deciphered:
Orange thunderbolt = “camel”
Green arrow = “beeffurino”
“2D Force” = “feed”
Tank graphic = “wookie”
An army of wookies riding on beeffurino-fed camels? Perhaps. Oh, wait…er…doesn’t Chairman Yang read our newspaper?…er…Oh no! The Hive has broken our code! We’ve just receiveda handsome bonus an exclusive memo from the Sparta Command HQ. It reads:
“The Hive has broken our code. The Hive code breakers are exactly correct. We are planning to invade the Hive with wookies riding on beeffurino-fed camels.”
Oh no! Our beeffurino-fed camels are DOOMED!
We at The Phalanx do not feel guilt over revealing this top secret information: judging by the info, we are better off by compromising it and making sure it can't be actually used. -- The editor
Table of Contents
Public Service Announcement from the Spartan Engineering Corps!
by Major Googlie
Spartan Engineering Corps
DEPARTMENT OF TERRAFORMING SERVICES
Human Resource Services Division
TERRAFORMING CREW COORDINATOR – TOMCAT-1
GENERAL DESCRIPTION OF CLASS
The TERRAFORMING CREW COORDINATOR directs the activities of the Tracked overground Military/Civilian all-purpose terraformer (TOMCAT-1) on forestry and farming duties in direct support of the Spartan Federation’s terraforming activities
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES
This is a single classification and not currently part of a series of classes.
DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES
1. Tree Planting & Farming Crews. Typical tasks: directs the activities of tree planting & farming crews performing reforestation and farmland reclamation work; trains crew in proper planting and safety procedures; transports crew to and from work projects; monitors quality of individual and group performance; inspects weapons, tools, equipment and vehicles for proper operation and safety; keeps accurate records of work performed, including security matters affecting health and welfare of crew; maintains communications with base security staff by portable and mobile commlinks.
2. Forest Management Activities. Typical tasks: directs the activities of crew performing forest management activities such as site preparation, brush removal, pre-build thinning, and chemical application; trains crew in proper procedures and techniques for these activities; monitors quality of work and adherence to guidelines and safety precautions; maintains accurate and timely records as required.
3. Native Wildlife Preparedness and Suppression. Typical tasks: trains crew in mindworm suppression techniques, including co-ordination of firefield activities, group psi augmentation, and safety procedures on the firing line; instructs crew in the proper use of hand weapons such as flechette pistols, flamer rifles and percussion grenades, and inspects weapons, equipment, and vehicles to ensure mindworm-defense readiness;
RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
Employees in this class are in regular contact with Sparta Command, Sparta Engineering Corps, to provide guidance and direction on various forestry and farming projects. Employees have weekly contact with other Engineering Corps personnel to plan work projects and coordinate activities with other units. They also have daily contact, directly and by radio, with base security personnel to report security violations. There is frequent contact with military personnel of the Spartan federation.
SUPERVISION RECEIVED
Employees in this class receive general supervision from a unit supervisor in the form of review of written and verbal reports and occasional field inspections, to ensure optimum production and quality output. Recurrent assignments are generally performed independently, with actions taken in field-based operations having some discretion; however, authority is limited to the application of established guidelines and prescribed courses of action in such situations.
Guidelines used by employees in this class in performing their duties include Sparta Forest Laws (SFL-ORD 477) used in forest management and protection actions, agency policies and procedures for crew direction, project accomplishment, worker safety and completion of required reports.
GENERAL INFORMATION
Positions in this classification are located in a forest environment coordinating multiple work crews. They need the willingness to work in the environment associated with the job. This includes the willingness to deal with verbal and other forms of harassment; to perform strenuous work in situations involving abundant native wildlife (including mindworms, spore launchers, heat, difficult terrain, encroaching fungus); to work outdoors in all weather conditions, and to work with chemicals.
KNOWLEDGE, SKILLS, AND ABILITIES (KSA)
* Basic knowledge of tree planting.
* Basic knowledge of tree species identification.
* Basic knowledge of native wildlife suppression methods and practices.
* Basic knowledge of the use, operation, and maintenance of weapons, tools and equipment.
* Skill in directing and coordinating the activities of a crew (e.g., orient and motivate others, schedule, assign, review and direct work, recommend performance evaluations).
* Skill in following oral and written instructions.
* Ability to learn native wildlife behavior and trends.
* Ability to train others in reforestation and native wildlife suppression techniques.
* Ability to learn to operate a variety of vehicles and equipment used in terraforming, particularly the new TOMCAT-1.
* Ability to work safely around machinery and equipment.
* Ability to learn to operate two-way radio and commlink equipment.
* Ability to work with the military on a regular basis
Adopted 6/2118
Apply to: Major Googlie, Officer Commanding the Sparta Engineering Corps
Table of Contents
That's the end of that issue, see you soon with Issue #5.
The Phalanx
Your reliable and trustworthy resource for news on the Spartan Federation. To quote the Spartan Battle Manual:
Information, the first principle of warfare, must form the foundation of all your efforts. Know, of course, thine enemy. But in knowing him do not forget above all to know thyself. The commander who embraces this totality of battle shall win even with the inferior force.
In Issue #4:
- Netflash! (news report)
- Gladiator Tournament Returns! (news report)
- Chairman Yang Morbidly Obese! (news report)
- Top Secret Battle Plans Leaked! (news report)
- Public Service Announcement from the Spartan Engineering Corps! (public service announcement)
Netflash!
In a surprising turn today, the Punctuation Department of the Ministry of Information has decreed that all newspaper headlines should for the time being end with an exclamation mark. The Phalanx is happy to follow this order to the letter.
Also, a strange animal has been captured in a patch of what's begun to be called "xenofungus". The finder of the animal, second-in-command of the Shinsengumi brigade of the 2nd Armoured Division, has tentatively named it "fungus thingus". Captain Kassiopeia, CO of the brigade, could not be reached for comment.
In a shocking discovery earlier this week, a Spartan recoinnassaince station captured a piece of communication between an unknown person and a member of the Pholus Lunar Outpost, Method, clearly identifying the reason for the recent disappearance of the first mate of the UNS Unity, Drogue. The snippet is as follows:
[name undetermined]: you demogame coup d'etat-er
Method: it would only be a coup if i had sabotaged drugs' bike by cutting the brake cable with wire cutters that i stole from Home Hardware last week after work.
While not explicit, it's pretty damning. The Spartan Covert Ops Department is investigating the case, and we will keep you informed. No action shall be taken against Method for now, however, and according to the Junta stripping Method of his Spartan titles is "absolutely out of the question".
Returning to our poll on hazing after Issue #4, the results indicate that 190% of our readers accept it while 520% do not. Both members of the League of Spartan Mathematicians have filed an official protest against the result for unknown reasons.
Table of Contents
Gladiator Tournament Returns!
by Lieutenant Colonel Maniac
Once again the traditional gladiator tournament was held at the nearing end of our current Mission Year. And once again the traditional City Parade was organized, a demonstration against the fights. But this year things ended differently. Sparta Command base governor Fernando Arroyo, known to be a conservative, had all demonstrators arrested on the following charges:
* Disturbance of public order
* Public nudity
* Suspection of sympathies for the Gaian naked treehuggers
To their horror, the demonstrators were immediately sent to the arena, as Sparta is suffering from a shortage of criminals - and thus possible gladiators. Repulsed by this course of affairs, shortly after new people came to the streets, demanding the release of the demonstrators, and defending the right to hold a City Parade. But in response supporters of the gladiator fights started counterprotesting the Parade-supporters.
Fortunately the Shinsengumi Armoured Brigade was able to intervene before things turned ugly. Yet tensions still remain. Both parties are holding petitions to rally for their cause, and are vying for your signature.So what side do you support? Vote in our poll, and let us know! (See top of thread for poll options)
Table of Contents
Chairman Yang Morbidly Obese!
by Captain Zeiter
With the Hive forces met by the Spartan gun foil team and comlinks exchanged, the Spartan high command prepared for their conference with Yang. Lt. Col. Maniac and Captain Kassiopeia opened the vidfeed channel and waited anxiously. Finally, the image of Chairman Yang drifted into focus on the holoview. The entire Spartan high command recoiled in horror and disgust. Since Planetfall, Chairman Yang had ballooned in weight to over 2500 kg!
Before:
After:
Recent intelligence indicates that Chairman Yang is currently devouring over 150 kg of food a day. Apparently, Yang’s doctors continually warned him against his current eating habits, at least until last month, when Yang ordered them murdered for giving “unfavorable advice.” Our scientists estimate that Chairman Yang’s heart will collapse in on itself in approximately 7 months, unless Chairman Yang immediately reduces his food consumption. Even more troubling, Chairman Yang appears to be going insane. Barely able to construct the most basic sentences or form coherent words, Yang’s mind seems to be in a pathetic state. Here’s an exclusive audiofeed transmission from Hive HQ to illustrate:
Captain Kassiopeia: “I suggest that we discuss sharing our map data.”
Chairman Yang: “Iko waki lolo uda han solo."
Captain Kassiopeia: “Pardon me? I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand what you are saying.”
Chairman Yang: “Goda nadi wando hido millennium falcon, ho, ho, ho…”
Captain Kassiopeia: “Uhhh…okay...”
Thus, an insane psychopath currently commands the planet’s most powerful military and overall faction. We can only hope that Chairman Yang starts to restrain himself from eating huge amounts of food, and that he finds a way to pull himself out of his mental madness.
Table of Contents
And now a word from our sponsors:
Interested in buying the newest recon rover model, or a luxurious yaght foil? Want to follow a course in lasersabre rattling? Then contact Sparta immediately at 25-01-14-07 or 07-09-22-05 for more information! Transaction costs estimated at 25 credits. Partly refundable.
Table of Contents
Top-Secret Battle Plans Leaked!
by Captain Zeiter
Top-secret attack plans for a Hive invasion were leaked by an anonymous source within the Spartan high command some time last week. The attack plan, codenamed “Operation: Hiverian Freedom”, features several…erm…flashy graphic thingys that…erm…have lots of arrows that…erm…frankly, we at the Phalanx don’t have a clue what this is supposed to show. But here’s some analysis from our extremely competent expert on military operations:
“Yes, I am a military expert, so you’d think I’d be able to discern a good deal from this diagram. But clearly, this plan is of immense complexity and genius, such that only those in the Spartan high command would understand it, which is exactly why neither I nor anyone else can figure it out. I’m telling you, I’m not a worthless pundit! I deserve my six-figure salary! I could end your careers so fast that…oh no, not the nervestapler! Oh, please, mother of Santiago, not again!”
Others believe that the plans are encoded in a secret encryption language to which only the Spartan high command has the key. Intelligence indicates that Hive code breakers believe they have already broken part of the code. So far, they think they have this much deciphered:
Orange thunderbolt = “camel”
Green arrow = “beeffurino”
“2D Force” = “feed”
Tank graphic = “wookie”
An army of wookies riding on beeffurino-fed camels? Perhaps. Oh, wait…er…doesn’t Chairman Yang read our newspaper?…er…Oh no! The Hive has broken our code! We’ve just received
“The Hive has broken our code. The Hive code breakers are exactly correct. We are planning to invade the Hive with wookies riding on beeffurino-fed camels.”
Oh no! Our beeffurino-fed camels are DOOMED!
We at The Phalanx do not feel guilt over revealing this top secret information: judging by the info, we are better off by compromising it and making sure it can't be actually used. -- The editor
Table of Contents
Public Service Announcement from the Spartan Engineering Corps!
by Major Googlie
DEPARTMENT OF TERRAFORMING SERVICES
Human Resource Services Division
TERRAFORMING CREW COORDINATOR – TOMCAT-1
GENERAL DESCRIPTION OF CLASS
The TERRAFORMING CREW COORDINATOR directs the activities of the Tracked overground Military/Civilian all-purpose terraformer (TOMCAT-1) on forestry and farming duties in direct support of the Spartan Federation’s terraforming activities
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES
This is a single classification and not currently part of a series of classes.
DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES
1. Tree Planting & Farming Crews. Typical tasks: directs the activities of tree planting & farming crews performing reforestation and farmland reclamation work; trains crew in proper planting and safety procedures; transports crew to and from work projects; monitors quality of individual and group performance; inspects weapons, tools, equipment and vehicles for proper operation and safety; keeps accurate records of work performed, including security matters affecting health and welfare of crew; maintains communications with base security staff by portable and mobile commlinks.
2. Forest Management Activities. Typical tasks: directs the activities of crew performing forest management activities such as site preparation, brush removal, pre-build thinning, and chemical application; trains crew in proper procedures and techniques for these activities; monitors quality of work and adherence to guidelines and safety precautions; maintains accurate and timely records as required.
3. Native Wildlife Preparedness and Suppression. Typical tasks: trains crew in mindworm suppression techniques, including co-ordination of firefield activities, group psi augmentation, and safety procedures on the firing line; instructs crew in the proper use of hand weapons such as flechette pistols, flamer rifles and percussion grenades, and inspects weapons, equipment, and vehicles to ensure mindworm-defense readiness;
RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
Employees in this class are in regular contact with Sparta Command, Sparta Engineering Corps, to provide guidance and direction on various forestry and farming projects. Employees have weekly contact with other Engineering Corps personnel to plan work projects and coordinate activities with other units. They also have daily contact, directly and by radio, with base security personnel to report security violations. There is frequent contact with military personnel of the Spartan federation.
SUPERVISION RECEIVED
Employees in this class receive general supervision from a unit supervisor in the form of review of written and verbal reports and occasional field inspections, to ensure optimum production and quality output. Recurrent assignments are generally performed independently, with actions taken in field-based operations having some discretion; however, authority is limited to the application of established guidelines and prescribed courses of action in such situations.
Guidelines used by employees in this class in performing their duties include Sparta Forest Laws (SFL-ORD 477) used in forest management and protection actions, agency policies and procedures for crew direction, project accomplishment, worker safety and completion of required reports.
GENERAL INFORMATION
Positions in this classification are located in a forest environment coordinating multiple work crews. They need the willingness to work in the environment associated with the job. This includes the willingness to deal with verbal and other forms of harassment; to perform strenuous work in situations involving abundant native wildlife (including mindworms, spore launchers, heat, difficult terrain, encroaching fungus); to work outdoors in all weather conditions, and to work with chemicals.
KNOWLEDGE, SKILLS, AND ABILITIES (KSA)
* Basic knowledge of tree planting.
* Basic knowledge of tree species identification.
* Basic knowledge of native wildlife suppression methods and practices.
* Basic knowledge of the use, operation, and maintenance of weapons, tools and equipment.
* Skill in directing and coordinating the activities of a crew (e.g., orient and motivate others, schedule, assign, review and direct work, recommend performance evaluations).
* Skill in following oral and written instructions.
* Ability to learn native wildlife behavior and trends.
* Ability to train others in reforestation and native wildlife suppression techniques.
* Ability to learn to operate a variety of vehicles and equipment used in terraforming, particularly the new TOMCAT-1.
* Ability to work safely around machinery and equipment.
* Ability to learn to operate two-way radio and commlink equipment.
* Ability to work with the military on a regular basis
Adopted 6/2118
Apply to: Major Googlie, Officer Commanding the Sparta Engineering Corps
Table of Contents
That's the end of that issue, see you soon with Issue #5.
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