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COMRADES!
WE GREET EACH DAY WITH THE TRUTH!
Lenin's Birthday Edition of the Russian Newspaper "Pravda" which means "The Truth"
We have a pre and post ACHOO coverage in this edition of Pravda. Events in the Hive had gone slightly out of control last week, but the clean up crew had nearly returned the Hive back into its original state although some things cannot be done.
In This Issue :
- God’s Fury
- Hive gripped in ACHOO epidemic
- Chairman Annouces Golden Age of Haiku
- Golden Age of Haiku Ended
- Capitalist Treason!
- Hive reaches Comrade Marx's dream
- Tour of the Hive: Behind The Communal Kitchen
- ]Tour of the Hive: Behind The Spam Factory
- Tour of the Hive: Claire Forlani's Private Chamber
- Nervestapler Comic
- Words of Wisdom
God’s Fury
Followed by the official announcement of the elimination of SASS, overjoyed Hivers all went out and celebrate. After many bottles of xeno-rice wines and many loads of xenodoughnuts, a certain comrade whose head was turning ecstatically chanted the following love song:
“WE LOVE JAMSKI!!!!!
HE IS OUR ETERNAL FATHER!!!
WE SHALL SERVE HIM TO DEATH DO US PART!!!
HE IS VERY GLORIOUS!!
WE SHALL MAKE HIM A GOD!!!
WE LOVE HIM AND HE LOVES US SO!!!”
Stunned Comrade Vev rushed out to drag the certain comrade into the enlightment center. But alas, all is too late. All Hivers heard the God’s infuriated voice up in the sky:
“Blasphemy!!!
May my servant Miriam and my avenging Angels strike the Hive down and reduce it to ashes!!!”
Horrified Hivers knelt down on their knees and begged for forgiveness. Displeased GooglieGod did not decide to let the ignorant Hive easily go off the hook for their promised sacrifices. In stead, a spell is cast on to the two comrades involved most closely in the incident. Ever since that moment, Deputy Chairman and Commissionar Comrade Vev have been granted an inexorable enthusiasm to speak. In addition, they have not been able to open their mouth without producing silly Haikus.
As the insanity spread over each thread in the Hive private forum, any meaningful discussion is buried in tons of childish Haikus. Although some comrades believe that this madness is only temporary and will automatically cure itself when the morning comes, Hive official had already held numerous emergency meetings trying to find what sacrifice should be served to GooglieGod so that the spread of insanity could come to a stop.
As for the initial incident causer, Comrade Tass, nobody has dared to guess what fate is awaited for him.
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Hive Gripped in ACHOO Epidemic
Hive medical authority have issued a public health warning of another epidemic sweeping into the Hive right after SASS. Acute Contagious Haiku Of Onomatopoeia [Editor: What the heck?] or ACHOO strikes without warning and leaves victims either unable to communicate other than Haikus or a gibbering wreck.
WHAT TO DO IF STICKEN:
Just stay calm and quiet; The disease is not fatal. You will recover.
Haiku's should be short; they should be tasteful and smart, write about the Hive.
Lead Scientist Jam, please save the citizens soon! We lack skillful poets!
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Chairman Annouces Golden Age of Haiku
The Chairman announces today that the Hive has entered a new era: The Great Leap of Haiku. The air is filled with scent of insanity. The few people that so far have managed to escape the contagion of madness watches helplessly as more and more comrades are mindlessly pulled toward ACHOO.
A quote from the enlightened:
I really must say, I am impressed by your ability to keep making all these haikus. The 5,7,5 would have driven me insane by now.
or should it be:
I really must say,
Impressive are all Haikus,
Insanity, none
Marshal Rokossovky
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Golden Age of Haiku Ended
As quickly as the infected all of Hive, the Golden Age of ACHOO was gone (although some say it wasn't early enough). The inspired Haiku poets became normal Hive citizen again, and no more shall the darkened halls of the Hive resound with the wise poetic Haiku lines. [Editor: *Sob* That was beautiful] Everyone now attend their usual tasks that normally involves copious amount of spamming.
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Capitalist Treason!
A promising member of the Hive Party, who shall remain nameless, was embroiled in a scandal caught selling out base names for credits. Kody was discoverd red-handed during a survellience operation where another unnamed individual requested the next base to be named after him, Googliegrad. A sum of 100 credits was promised in exchange for the new city name.
Charges are pending and the deal has not be revoked as the city is to be named Googliegrad. Hive officials fear that disaster may befall the hive if the name is revoked. Threats of righteous hellfire from Miriam was more than enough to convince Hive officials. Kody is currently serving detention under the strict discipline of Comrade Claire Forlani.
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Hive Reaches Comrade Marx's Dream
In other news, Chairman Voltaire announced at a press conference that The Hive has reached Comrade Marx's dream. He declared that the faction was a perfect communist society.
A reporter at the conference pointed out that Comrade Marx's perfect Utopia didn't have a government, and asked why the Chairman was still in power. At that moment, all persons at the conference was shot.
In a related story, this article's writer has been shot.
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Tour of the Hive: Behind The Communal Kitchens
I have always wondered what feeds the people that drives the Hive industry. The communal kitchen tirelessly serves the same old food to the endless queues of workers. The food, if one puts it politely, is a strange homogeneous pinkish meat that has a taste one must get acquied to. Drawn by my curiosity, which always seems to get me into trouble, I decided to investigate the mysterious nature of this pinkish meat.
I found it amazing the majority of the Hivers do not care what or where this meat comes from. Even the kitchen servers do not know or care about the food. All they need to do is to unpackage, heat and serve this all pervasive pinkish meat. From the samples I have gathered, they appear like nothing I have seen from normal meat. So I was left no choice but to apply my usual investigative techniques to solve this mystery.
Disguised as driver for the vehicles that distributes this meat, I explored the main food processing plant. I was both amazed yet shocked by my encounter. What I discovered was a wonderful marvel, but at what cost? These meat were called "spam" and they were created by a special group of people that work tirelessly on something called "Apolyton". Anyway, endless stream of "spam" comes from them and the plant checks it to ensure quality, packages it and distribute them to all the communal kitchens. The side effect of all this "spam" appears to be occasional disruption to normal work and play.
From Kostya's : I have lived in the Hive and survived to tell the tale
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Tour of the Hive: Behind The Spam Factory
Another thing that began to bother me, as I was sitting, eating my pinkish meat sandwiches in the Recreation Commons, was where this "spam" came from. In all my curious trips around the Hive I had never seen one cow, or pig, or goat or sheep, or indeed any of the earth animals usually used for meat production. I decided to find the Hive's secret farms.
Amazingly I managed to befriend a Drone who's job included bringing the meat to the "spam factory", and he agreed one night to take me with him in his rover truck, down, into the deepest layers of the Hive. To my surprise the truck took us down to the lowest level, deeper even than the ***CENSORED*** and the mounds of ***CENSORED*** breathing through my mouth to avoid the smell of ***CENSORED*** people I'd known were simply ***CENSORED*** the horror, the horror ***CENSORED*** consider eating "spam" again, not now that I know the grim truth of its origins in the ***CENSORED*** eating my own father and mother ***CENSORED*** ***CENSORED*** ***CENSORED*** ***CENSORED*** ***CENSORED*** ***CENSORED*** returned to the upperlevels still occasionally heaving.
From Kostya's : I have lived in the Hive
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Tour of the Hive: Claire Forlani's Private Chamber
I nearly made it inside. My head still hurts after the Crismons Guards beaten me up. I was so close and all I have to do was cross and innocent looking hallway. Cursed mindworms. Who in the right mind uses mindworms as guard dogs?! I spent two hours clinging onto a very sturdy wall lamp until the Crimson guard came along and took me safely away.
From Kostya's : I have lived in the Hive and survived to tell the tale
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The NerveStapler
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Words of Wisdom
- Spam makes the world goes round
- Spam alone sets all the world in motion
- The love of spam is the root of all evil
- Remember that time is spam
- Put not your trust in spam, but put your spam in trust
- A good reputation is more valuable than spam
- A word fitly spoken is like apples of spam in pictures of silver
- Beauty provoketh thieves sooner than spam
- Time will run back and fetch the age of spam
Although we may joke -
Paul wrote to the Corinthians
These words of wisdom:
- [1]Though I speak with the tounges of men and angels, and have not spam, I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.
[2]And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and thought I have all faith so that I could remove mountains, and have not spam, I am nothing.
[3]And thought I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not spam, it profiteth me nothing.
[4]Spam suffereth long, and is kind; spam envieth not; spam vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.
[5]Spam doth doth behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil.
[6]Rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the spam.
[13]And now abideth faith, hope, spam, these three; but the greatest of these is spam.
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In Other News:
- Interesting surveys conducted says that the Hive is glorious
- Jamski Residence will host a mass gathering of ceilings to protest against unequitable treatment of its follow people.
- Blue tastes better than yellow
- Spammers Anonymous has been disbanded due to lack of funding
- Tropicana Cruise tours experience a boom in tourism
- Editor arrested for posting irrelavant news
- New editor shot for incompetence
- Sub editor called in sick
- Janitor compiled Pravda instead
Onwards Comrades - the Future of Humanity lies in Cooperation, Brotherhood and Industry - Continue to Work for the Glory of the Human Hive
Compiled by Comrade Vev who currently is in his room writing up the 25th paper with blunt crayons for distribution.
I thought he was just promoted to a King...
Shhh... Comrade Tass is FINE.
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