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COMRADES!
WE GREET EACH DAY WITH THE TRUTH!
Lenin's Birthday Edition of the Russian Newspaper "Pravda" which means "The Truth"
Welcome comrades to this, the glorious 12th edition of PRAVDA - the official newsletter of the Human Hive.....
.....All hail to the glorious Chairman Voltaire and the members of the Peoples' advisory council!
In This Issue :
- The hive needs you!
- Nerve Stapling - How to obtain it for free and its benefits
- Cartoon by Comrade Schulz (edited by Kody)
- The Nature of Societies
- Tour of a Hive City: Central Shaft
- Jamski & The Sistine Chapel
- Which Purity Level is Best For You
- Classified Ads
- Boreholes I Have Known
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The hive needs you!
In recent weeks there has been a large number of missing ministers. This may be due to Chairman Voltiare’s recent announcement.
Chairman Voltaire has ordered a halt to the reformations to the judicial system. In his order he commented, "I've been perhaps too liberal in my rule, and it has resulted in the decadence we see." The Chairman has also established an ad hoc committee headed by CCC deputy Comrade HongHu in an effort to ensure all proposed laws are constitutional. Rumors said that martial law will be acclaimed in two to three days.
Submitted by Comrade Kody
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Nerve Stapling - How to obtain it for free and its benefits
When I first joined the Hive I was rather wary of nerve stapling. However, after receiving nerve staples for talking out of turn, making a joke, for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, refusing to take the job of writing Pravda, forgetting to smile, leaking top secret information, impersonating the chairman, attempting to take over the chairman's position, being cheeky, saying yes when asked if it made her look fat, questioning the logic behind communism and walking past a kid holding a nerve stapler. I discovered that nerve stapling is highly addictive.
Nerve stapling if done in the correct way can release a large number of endorphins. This makes you very happy and you see lots of strange and interesting things while under the effect of nerve stapling. My friend the yellow plastic elephant agrees. Nerve stapling also causes loss of appetite great for people watching their weight, and in a recent survey it was found that 9 out of 10 married couples want their partners nerve stapled. So it can be deduced that nerve stapling is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Now the best way to get frequent nerve staples is in NER101. A primary school course being run, that teaches kids how to nerve staple effectively. They’re always looking for volunteers. On the down side the kids are a bit rough and god help you if they get it into their head to staple the wrong place. I wasn’t able to sit quite right for a few days.
The best people for nerve stapling are the officials. Now these are generally harder to get appointment with, but I have found you get special treatment if you say Claire is more beautiful than HongHu, or you mention that the army is sloppy in front of Rokossovky and you can get first place in the waiting list if you shout “Communism Sucks!” in front of Voltaire.
Anyway to sum up, nerve stapling is freely available drug that doesn’t carry any fines or imprisonment for usage. Why not take advantage of the system.
Submitted by Comrade Kody
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Cartoon by Comrade Schulz (edited by Kody)
Submitted by Comrade Kody
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The Nature of Societies
Every single human is divided by the need to protect the interests of the individual and the need to protect the interests of the group. Nash's bargaining theories of bargaining equilibrium and governing dynamics says, “The maximum benefit to a group can be realized if each individual works for his own benefit and the group's”. This is simple enough, but do the interests of the group and the individual always coincide.
At first glance evolution will favour those that look after their own interests. To sacrifice your self for the greater good is a biological dead end. However, it would seem that there are humans that are still willing to do this, even though evolution should have seen the end for such people. Looking deeper it can be realised that humanity greatest advantage over other creatures, after our intelligence, is our ability to form groups that are capable of achievements that are beyond the reach of any single person. Without the willingness of self sacrifice to contribute to something greater than the individual, the group will lack the cohesion to stay together. If group is dissolved it cannot protect the individuals, and the individuals will often be vulnerable to other groups that have not suffered dissolution.
This means a fine balance should be maintained between the interests of individuals and the group as a whole. Humans will always seek to advantage themselves. However, the unfettered pursuit for that advantage can destroy the very structures that are being used to obtain the advantages, thus resulting in the very opposite effect.
Submitted by Comrade Kody
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Tour of a Hive City: Central Shaft
The caverns of the Hive is an interesting place to explore. Of note, is the central shaft that is the main channel to transport in or out bulky material manufactured within the bowels of the city. While the central shaft poses a security risk, the Hive have taken all steps to ensure that the structural integrity are uncompromised and its defensive capabilities formidable. High grade plasteel will seal the entry bay and various section of the central shaft within a minute. But during times of peace, various crops, ore and other raw materials are crawled in by huge vehicles unloading their cargo to be processed by the diligent hive workers. At times of war, ranks of rovers and hovertanks can be quickly assembled and delivered via the central shaft.
There are many other smaller entry points and ventilation vents found throughout the vast subterranean metropolis. While not as grand as the central shaft, the role they serve is just as important and security is just as stringent. The smaller access points help distribute the traffic load coming in and out of the city and also provide convenient local access (or exits) for workers tilling the land above or scouts to quickly deploy and combat the ever-present mindworms. Some of the access points are well hidden for reasons relating to security matters.
From Kostya's: I lived in The Hive and survived to tell the tale
Submitted by Comrade Vev
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Jamski & The Sistine Chapel
It took Michaelangelo 24 years to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is now Jamski duplicating that work!
Built between 1805 and 1813, in the time of Napoleon I of France, the Jamski Residence is rectangular in shape and measures 20.93 meters long by 11.41 meters wide. It is 10.70 meters high and is roofed by a flattened barrel vault, with little side vaults over the centered windows.
On June 20, 2003, Jamski arrived in Schwabia to appear before Mrs. Jamski. Only 33 at the time, Jamski thought the Mrs. was summoning him to tell him to continue with the packing of the PC, a task which he secretly turned into Poly posting. But the Mrs. didn't want to talk about that project - she had a new one in mind for Jamski - a huge painting for the ceiling of the Jamski Residence.
Then the arguments started. Jamski didn't want the project because he knew it was an impossible task and one that would require him to forgo his true love, Poly posting. Eventually, the Mrs. wore him down and he gave in.
But you have to realize that this was a huge undertaking. The first thing that Jamski had to confront was how to finish the task in the shortest time. The Mrs. brought in the biggest roller one could find in the shop to solve the problem. When Jamski saw it, he was convinced that she was trying to discredit him in the eyes of his fellow Poly posters because he knew that a 18 inch roller gets pretty heavy pretty fast and when his arms started to cramp up he would not be posting effectively. So Jamski put down the Mrs.’ huge roller and made plans for his own. Finally, Jamski was ready to paint.
But it wasn't going to be so easy. Jamski decided to paint the ceiling white since it was white previously. He continued to work on the ceiling with only himself as the worker to carry materials and equipment up the ladders. He had one more major set back before the work would progress. The first section he completed did not pass the Mrs.‘ inspection from the floor below. He had forgotten that the Mrs. had a sharp vision even from a distance of fifteen feet. So Jamski had to start again. Then our deputy chairman got into the everyday routine that would proceed for the next forty days.
-Each morning, Jamski would take out the paint, adding the appropriate amount of water, then stir really well.
-Next, the ladder was secured in place and roller was grasped tightly in hand.
-Before the paint started to drip, Jamski would climb up the ladder and apply the white color to the ceiling. The area would then be repainted to meet the Mrs.’ inspection.
The ceiling of Jamski Residence was expected to be unveiled on July 30, 2003, and the whole world would come running to see what Jamski had done; and certainly it was such to make everyone speechless with astonishment. Just as you are now.
Michelangelo Paints the Ceiling
(translated from the Italian)
A goiter it seems I got from this backward craning
like the cats get there in Lombardy, or wherever
--bad water, they say, from lapping their fetid river.
My belly, tugged under my chin, 's all out of whack.
Beard points like a finger at heaven. Near the back
of my neck, skull scrapes where a hunchback's hump would be.
I'm pigeon-breasted, a harpy! Face dribbled--see?--
like a Byzantine floor, mosaic. From all this straining
my guts and my hambones tangle, pretty near.
Thank God I can swivel my buttocks round for ballast.
Feet are out of sight; they just scuffle round, erratic.
Up front my hide's tight elastic; in the rear
it's slack and droopy, except where crimps have callused.
I'm bent like a bow, half-round, type Asiatic.
Not odd that what's on my mind,
when expressed, comes out weird, jumbled. Don't berate;
no gun with its barrel screwy can shoot straight.
Giovanni, come agitate
for my pride, my poor dead art! I don't belong!
Who's a painter? Me? No way! They've got me wrong.
~John Frederick Nims
Submitted by Comrade HongHu
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Which Purity Level is Best For You
PERESTROIKA
OFFICIALLY ENDORSED BY THE HUMAN HIVE
FOR RELEASE IN PRAVDA - IN THE HUMAN HIVE, THE TRUTH OWNS YOU!
Written by Tassadar, with special help from Doctor Yosef Stalina
Greetings. I'd like to introduce myself to all Comrades of the world before I begin my article. I am Doctor Yosef Stalina, Personal Trainer and Physician of the Human Hive Hospital. I have a LeD (Doctor of Lenin) in Psychology, Nerve Stapling, and Medicine.
As many Comrades have suggested, Nerve Stapling is a very effective way to lose weight, to become
Therefore, I have written this guide
It shall help all Comrades get the help they seek when choosing the right purity level of your Nerve Staple (You can find it at your local "Vevs Nerve Stapler" or can call an official to help you). LEVEL 10 NERVE STAPLE - This level of Nerve Staple has a 10/10 impurity ratio, as in ten parts impurity for every 10 parts. This level can produce some symptoms such as dizziness and tremors. Nothing too serious. It is recommended that only women ages 5-10 use this, or those whom have been diagnosed with a weak immune system, as it is very weak.
LEVEL 9 NERVE STAPLE - This level of Nerve Staple has a 9/10 impurity ratio. This produces the same symptoms as above, but is made for boys ages 5-10.
LEVEL 8 NERVE STAPLE - This is the generic nerve staple for most people. It has an 8/10 impurity ratio, and can produce Vomiting, Tremors, Dizziness, Loss of Appetite, Hallucations, and Insomnia. It is mainly used by those with normal immune systems, women and men ages 10-25. Because of it's loss of appetite and insomnia symptoms, its a great research partner for when your learning about Looniversity Atrocities commited every day!
LEVEL 7 NERVE STPLAE - This is a much more potent version of the Level 8 Nerve Staple. It has a 7/10 ratio, And is mainly for those whom are 30-50. It produces the exact same symptoms as outlined above, except they are all much stronger. Great for parties!
LEVEL 6 NERVE STAPLE - This nerve staple is highly refined, and is for serious nerve-stapler-body-builders only. It produces Major Hallucinations, Seering Pain at Injection Site, Toxic Gases which cause muscles to slightly twitch, major loss of appetite, major vomiting, etc etc...
LEVEL 5 NERVE STAPLE - With a fifty percent grade, it gets all the more dangerous (but rewarding!) here! Those whom are finding that they are used to Level 6 can move up to Level 5, or 5/10 ratio. This one causes everything listed above, however it also has the ability to grow inside the body by about .3 percent uncontrollably. If a person took this without any immunity to nerve staple, they would die.
LEVEL 4 NERVE STAPLE - Getting even more potent, a 4/10 produces the same symptoms as above, however it has a .5 growth rate.
LEVEL 3 NERVE STAPLE - The first of the "Big Three", this is DEFINATELY for experienced nervestaplebodybuilders only and can only be obtained when certified by a doctor! This causes the usual plus a Minor Psychotic Breakdown, Sensations of Capitalists being all around you, and has a .8 growth rate. Muscles that come in contact with this level of nerve staple will twitch uncontrollably and violently. However, this nerve staple has traces of calcium which pretent the bones from breaking. Yay!
LEVEL 2 NERVE STAPLE - The third most dangerous nerve staple on Planet, this 2/10 ratio has a 1.5 growth rate, causes a Major Psychotic Breakdown, along with the above symptoms. As well as this, at the site of injection the skin begins to develop a major infection.
LEVEL 1 NERVE STAPLE - The second most dangerous nerve staple on Planet, this has a 1/10 ratio and a 2.9 growth rate. It causes all symptoms outlined above.
LEVEL 0 NERVE STAPLE - PURE Nerve Staple, this is the most dangerous nerve staple developed. Has a 30.5 growth rate, causes a Complete Psychotic Breakdown, Major tearing of the limbs due to exessive uncontrollable shaking, partial paralysis of the Lower Body, and Minor Schizophrenia. Only daredevils will ever use this one!
Anything above Level 7 is generally not recommended, especially for the young (0-10) or the elderly (50+). However, all glorious Comrades should be able to tolerate at least up to Level 6.
In my next segment, I am going to talk about
Please note that the above article is not written by Tassadar or any Perestroika or Pravda staff and has not been approved by the Hive Department of Health.
Submitted by Comrade Tassadar
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Classified Ads
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Large burly men needed for recycling tank job. Must have
experience in knocking people unconscious. Call Craig
356435620 for details.
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Volunteers required to help teach kids nerve stapling. Free
lunch at every session. The Hive Sector B53, subsection 63,
room 35.
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Government Jobs, sit at desk doing nothing. Your family
receives 300 ECs in the event you are killed for political
reasons. Contact Chairman Voltiare.
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One slightly rusted rover. Good condition, but needs
repairs. Contact The Minister of Transport.
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Opening night to the Comrade Claire Beauty Pagent. Entry
fee 10 ECs. Freecall 343052356.
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2nd hand planet buster with fusion reactor. Needs Missle
chassis. Meet behind Crazy Zack's bar 9:00pm 26th April.
Come Alone.
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29 year old worker female looking for soulmate. I like long
walks through the hive tunnels and plastic flowers.
ph 230823709.
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Hawk to Eagle Nest. The mission was successful. Hawk is in
flight.
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Submitted by Comrade Kody
) regarding the late gossips that compared her beauty with that of the deputy deputy Chairman.
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