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PRAVDA EDITION #11 - 10 July 2003
COMRADES!
WE GREET EACH DAY WITH THE TRUTH!
Lenin's Birthday Edition of the Russian Newspaper "Pravda" which means "The Truth"
Welcome comrades to this, the glorious 11th edition of PRAVDA - the official newsletter of the Human Hive.....
.....All hail to the glorious Chairman Voltaire and the members of the Peoples' advisory council!
In This Issue :
- A Special Report
- Letter to the Editor
- Official Announcement
- Googlie is our friend!
- What you get when you have good video surveillance
- Classified Tapes
- The Nerve Stapler
- Hive Advertisement
- Mutant Bunnies
- Operation Jamski Failure
- The Little Terraformer That Could - By Comrade Kody
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A Special Report
There have been reports of soldiers going missing in sector N589. It is suspected that mindworms have managed to make their way into the Hive. While no bodies have been found, shed mindworm skins have been found in the sewers below sector N589. Rokossovky has issued flame throwers to all soldiers patrolling that sector and issued a warning to all citizens to travel in groups of at least three.
Comrade Wujiang in charge of the maintance in sector N589 claims that the mindworms are likely an act of terrorism designed to further delay the maintance in that sector. When asked whether mindworm reports are fabrications designed to justify the delays with the maintance. He denied it as nonsense.
(article by Kody)
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Letter to the Editor
Editor, PRAVDA
The vicious, evil, capitalistic rumours are false. Well, all evil capitalistic rumours are false, but those surrounding my glorious name are particularly evil and capitalistic.
I, Octavian X, General Secretary of the People's Advisory Council, President of the Presidium of Prefectures, Director of Joint Communications for the Central Military Commission, glorious Comrade of the Hive
The fact that mindworm husks are the main ingredient in xenodoughnuts does NOT contribute to any evil, capitalistic, powers of mind control. They do NOT create mindless slaves who will single-mindedly follow my every order in my quest to conquer the universe.
Also, don't forget to eat all 30 xenodoughnuts rationed to you everyday. The General Secretary of the People's Advisory Council, President of the Presidium of Prefectures, ANDDirector of Joint Communications for the Central Military Commission all endorse xenodoughnuts as a food that will help you work harders and help you fight off evil capitalists.
~Comrade Octavian X
General Secretary of the People's Advisory Council, President of the Presidium of Prefectures, Director of Joint Communications for the Central Military Commission, Comrade of the Human Hive, et. al.
(Comrade Octavian X)
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Official Announcement
At an address to the public Comrade HongHu made an official announcement on the mindworm experiment rumors.
"I officially announce that the mindworms have nothing to do with Dr. wujiang's experiment, nor do them have anything to do with Comrade Xenodoughnuts. Comrade HongHu neither."
Comrade Vev also added, "Rumors of experiments are lies by jealous factions wishing to undermine our productive and efficient government."
(article by Kody)
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Googlie is our friend!
Recently, Googlie
(article by Kody)
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What you get when you have good video surveillance.
Editor: Jenkins! Will be the next Perestroika be ready?
Jenkins: There is a slight delay
E: What do mean delays? *stares*
J: Our writers have stopped working
E: WHAT?! I've paid them good credits and xenodoughnuts and all I've good are some lazy and useless fleshbags who refuses to work. Why aren't you getting them back to work Jenkins!
J: *sweating* *pauses* Sir ... because they are striking ...?
E: SONS OF MIRIAM! I knew there was something fishy about those shifty, stinking, no-good scum, the moment I've laid eyes on them. Jenkins, this is the Hive and we do not stand for slackness of any kind, especially organised ones. Call in the strikebreakers, I want a new batch of young, well-broken, enthusiastic journalists, NOW!
J: Yes sir.
(article by Vev)
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Classified Tapes
Interview with Comrade Vev, by Johan Strauss
JS: Good evening comrade Vev, pleasure to meet you.
V: Please dispense with the pleasentries.
JS: You are a man of influence within the party, but the public hardly gets to see you, let alone know you. So what drives a man like you to work everyday for the Hive?
V: The Hive is my life, and that is all the public needs to know. What drives me? To see glory for the Hive.
JS: Besides making the Hive a powerhouse, what do you do in your spare time.
V: I am always at my work.
JS: Is it true that during your mysteriously disappearance for 14 years, you worked as a foreign agent?
V: I will not discuss such matters.
JS: Is it also true that fatal collision of the other fateful Unity escape pods was no accident?
V: You are testing my patience
JS: Do you not have anything you wish to share to the people of the Hive?
V: Trust in the Hive, work hard and be fruitful.
JS: Thank you Comrade Vev
V: This interview is over
JS: *turns off recorder*
You didn't give me much to work on.
V: That is your problem
JS: You know this story won't attract readers.
V: You have broken our agreement about how this interview is conducted
JS: What?
V: Only one recorder is allowed. Please stop denying it and making it worse for yourself.
JS: I don't get it
V: Of course not. So you want to be famous? I can make you famous.
JS: I don't follow
V: You will appear on tonight's evening news mourned by millions, died a heroic death. The Hive have no room for spies or traitors. Take him away.
(article by vev)
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The nerve stapler
(Comic by Vev)
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Hive Advertisement
Are you lonely? Bored? Claire Forlani escort services is performing live for a good will tour all over. It is time to spend all those hard earned credit points and see Claire's new mesmerising performance. Hurry, get your tickets in before they all sell out.
(advertisement from Nervco Nervestaplers)
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Mutant Bunnies
Faster than a stationary bullet, stronger than the CyCon bunnies, it's the new improved MutantBunnies. After the hive made the discovery of bunnies around their home base they took them and modified their DNA making them stronger more vicious and large enough to be made an all terrain transport.
This has generally improved bouncing time between bases and hence improved colony growth. The main problem is the inexplicable number of saddle sores. Scientists are currently working on making the bunnies glide rather than hop.
(article by Kody)
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Operation Jamski Failure
Jamski was found recently. It appears his wife had kidnapped him and is currently deciding on which colour the house will be painted in. Jamski is performing slave labour in his own personal hell where he repaints the house in a different colour every time he finishes. There have been so many layers of paint that there were curves rather than corners in his house.
An rescue attempt was made however the rescue team appears to now be gardening for Mrs Jamski. In the face of overwhelming force the hive has decided to leave Jamski to his fate and hopes that Mrs Jamski will release him sometime in the future.
(article by Kody)
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The Little Terraformer That Could - By Comrade Kody
Once upon a time there was a little terraformer.
This little terraformer couldn't do anything right.
He tried to raise land. But he was too weak to move the all the soil.
He tried to make a farm. But there was a fungal bloom.
He tried to plant a forest. But a sporelauncher bombarded it.
He tried to plant a fungus. But forest grew in the square.
The little terraformer was very sad. He went to a distant base and cried.
Then a scout came running up to the little terraformer. "A planet buster is coming a planet buster is coming!"
All the other terraformers formed an line to protect the SSC as there was no time to move all the units away thus using the empty base tactic. The governor had made the fatal mistake of not regularly checking the productions of the enemy. The planet buster was only a fusion missile and hence could only go 16 squares. So by forming a line and forcing the planet buster to go around it would require 17 squares to reach the SCC. It wouldn't have enough reach to destroy the main city.
But there weren't enough units to make the line long enough.
"Quick little terraformer! Come fill in this line."
The little terraformer was very happy as it could!
When the planet buster came, it didn't make it to the SCC so it blew up the line of units instead.
The little pieces of the little terraformer were very happy. It finally could!
The End.
(story by Kody)
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In other news :
- Poetry Contest was a complete flop as nobody seemed to read the other news section last issue.
- Hrmm I wonder what I can get away with here.....
- Chairman Voltaire announces he is not dead contrary to popular opinion. Skeptics consider the possibility that the announcement was made by a body double.
- Chairman Kody announces he is taking over leadership of the Hive.
Onwards Comrades - the Future of Humanity lies in Cooperation, Brotherhood and Industry - Continue to Work for the Glory of the Human Hive
Random Job Person - Comrade Kody
If I were you I would change the word "if" to the word "when". That'll make it sound more authoritative. 
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