The stroy of the one man army - "LEGION"

[Nubianmercenary]

: Hi guys, this is my fist story ever pasted on a website (well pasted on civ fanatics anyway), so plz replies or constructive critisism would be most welcomed, enjoy.
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Where shall I run to?, my armies to the north of TRIER hunger for re-enforcements. Again and again the walls of TRIER splinter with the waves of Germanic tribes that sweep our ever fading fort. Has Mars forgotten his cloak? for we stand alone, for our allies the ever changing Dacians watch from there land as our lEGIONS become overwhelmed with death.
No, I must not run, for if Rome can defeat the Gauls,Phoenicians and Britons then let not even the gods stand in my way. Allies or no allies I Quintos Taurion, will go alone on a mission to me and no other. To find help where others give none, BEFORE IT IS TO LATE.

The Story of one General who in times of darkness gives hope where hope is none to spare:The Story of the LEGION CONTINUES....


THE STORY CONTINUES....
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The slow gust of wind pierced the weary generals red velvet cape as his small black whisps of hairs floated with it as came, then went. He had taken his Helmet off earlier while packing his rations for the long mission ahead, and even though it hurt him to see the once shimmering helmet leave is head and aproach the dusty road in front of him, he had to do it as it could be a death flare. Shimmering off the scorching sun above him reflecting the suns rays, this could alarm any men awaiting a healthy solo general to kill anawares.


So onwards through the lonely general travels, walking for hours on one isolated road-THE ARI ROAD. It wasnt so bad, you see nobody ever walked that road for the scare of raiders, outnumbered their will to travel abroad. The Dust and sun were his only actual company, his only company. Stopping to an eariee halt, he senses something different iin the air. The feeling he always get before a battle or on the brinck of a sword attack. But those days had passed like the power of Rome had also done, no he was alone. But he sensed and knew very well, that the road, dust and sun were the least of his worries as a man with long blonde mattered hair stepped out of the surronding forest.


"UNE HIEHT A HOONDAAA"!!-Quintos reconized the war chant that echoed from the fierce warrior only a few leuges away from where he stood on the road, but it wasn't Germanic but Celtic. Surprised as Quintos was, he drew his short sword,-light but sturdy it was the only thing standing between him, the blonde warrior and what looked like the rest of his tribe, crying the same war chant with explosive vocal booms. Quintos knew there was no time for negotiation, with his grip becomming stronger and stronger on his sword. The celtic warriors sprinted with tremendous speed towards the loney General, who at that very moment prayed to "Mars" god of war, for wolf like reflexes and an unnerving bravery, worthy among the gods!!

The fight continues on LEGION...

[Metaliturtle]

This has a lot of promise, some things that could make it more entertaining to read (the story is already good):

Vary the size of your sentences and paragraphs. If you have a ridiculously long sentence filled with all sorts of really cool explosions, people dieing, monkeys throwing poo, women eating an exhorbitant amount of bananas, a short sentence should suffice to follow it so that the reader does not get fatigued. It's a good practice. Varying the sizes of your paragraphs can add power to your piece as well, in the Bible and other literature I've seen this where the page ends.

This is an important sentence so it stands alone.

Then the story continues unabated with the reader having gotten that key piece of information.

I understand that the first part is internal dialogue, but external dialogue goes hand in hand with what I mentioned before.
"Space it out"
"Like this good sir"
"So we can see"
"The characters talking"
This strategy makes it much more pleasing to the eye.

Only other thing is the ALL CAPS AREN'T FUN WHEN TALKING ABOUT NAMES AND PLACES, BOLD TEXT CAN SUFFICE TO CALL HOME IMPORTANT POINTS, ONLINE IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE BEING SHOUTED AT AND THAT IS NO FUN AT ALL!

Not every use was inappropriate here though, the war chant was totally appropriate. Also where you write "THE STORY CONTINUES..." It is totally appropriate.

The most important thing though is to keep writing, if you stop you'll never have the satisfaction of people like me shutting up for once good story though, I'll be checking back here.

[unscratchedfoot]

Originally posted by Metaliturtle
The most important thing though is to keep writing, if you stop you'll never have the satisfaction of people like me shutting up for once good story though, I'll be checking back here.

You cooked up a quartet of comma splices there Metaliturtle, counting the smiley as one. Grammar gurus would strip you of your hide for such an atrocity.

[Metaliturtle]

Yeah, well, umm, I, uh, just, like, to umm, use, them?

[Nubianmercenary]

:Thanks for the helpfull comments "Metaliturtle". I enjoy when folks give helpful in-sights and positive critisism to my story, now heres the second part of "LEGION" - The one man army.
P.S

If i dont reply back to any of your posts, its not cause I dont care, but its because I have exams soon, so I might not be able to check my stroy and its comments until lets say 1-2 weeks at the most.

BACK TO THE STORY.........
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Like a heard of stallions they galloped towards the seldome General. With each deep breath Quintos took. A step closer his opponents appeared.

Quintos tried to do a quick head count, so he could then calculate how many, and how much force was required to kill them, these "wild" men from the forest east of the "Ari road". Too late.
With his sword already drawn from its sccabad, Quintos awaited silently for the blonde leader to come first.

"First in line, first to die" thought Quintos, as he finished, what he thought was his last, free, breath.

Then, as if quicker then the hand of "Mars" himself, a black flash harpooned passed Quintoses helmet then landed itself apon the blonde leaders' head. Causing a red spurt of blood gushing from the unfortunate warriors skull.

This happened so quickly that it took Quintos a split second to drop for cover from what ever was taking place. Quintos then tilted his neck, giving him a full view from was taking place behind him, and what he saw he would never forget:

An army, a Dacian army!!. This wasn't a one way slaughter. But a massed war!!

Quintos hurridly scuttled towards the surrounding forest, before the other celtic warriors (bent on blood-lust) collided with what looked like "The Dacian Tribal Guard".

Quintos didn't know if the Dacians were on their way to aid his already defeated fort, or to crush whats left of the celtic tribes completely.
All he knew was, that friend or foe, he would not move from the blanket of forest, until he could really pin-point the meaning for this battle.

Pin-point the happening for this war.

TO BE CONTINUED......

[Metaliturtle]

Don't worry, I have exams too, we'll be here when you get back.

[Nubianmercenary]

:Hi, im back from exams (man they were frustrating), my scores were alright I guess. Well anyways here is the next installment to the story of "LEGION"-The one man army.

Enjoy!

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:The sound of clashing metal and screams of agony could be heard echoing throughout the (once quiet) region of Ari. The battle lingered on, into the next sunrise of the following morning. A steady cloak of fog had crept silently onto the battlefield, as the last remaining Celtic warriors retreated into the forest from which they came.

Quintos never slept.

Whenever he came close to closing his eyes, the screams of the dying and the already dead would bring him back to the cold reality of war.
Quintos had had his share of battles and wars. He himself was a famed hero among his regiment. But his battles were fought on common ground, with common men he knew and trusted - with his life, if it need be.

This battle was different, Quintos was alone, on uncommon grounds; watching bloodthirsty men who he didn't know, yet alone trust. He knew one side was the Celts, the other: Dacians. But that was about all he knew.

Instantly, the atmosphere changed. No longer were the customary screams or grunts heard throughout the hills and trees of Ari. It all merged into a deadened silence. The type of silence that happens before a battle, not after it.

Quintos crouched lower.
His knees virtually numb to the bone.

Low murmurs could be heard.
"No doubt the accent of Dacians" thought Quintos
Dacians in the surrounding regions spoke latin a form of Italian originally spoken in Latium, a Roman state.

They were shunned by Romans during the Roman-Dacian wars. But after being conqured or as the Dacians themselves say "willing to be involved" into Roman religion ,language and way of life. Romans slowly began to acknowledge thier bravery and most of all - Warlike potential, as allies, and one day even equals.

Quintos slowly peered through the branches in front of him, sighting a familair Dacian banner, Quintos after hours of waiting painfully arose from his spot, brushed away the fallen leaves from his shoulder and made his way towards Arorn son of Salletion, leader of the Imperial Dacian Guard.
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NubianMercenary

[Paddy]

had a great chuckle on the train with this

thanks