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As the dawn breaks on the year 4000 B.C. ...
"Lord Bismarck, the people have decided to trust in your leadership, we will follow you to the glorious future or to the bitter end!" It was Ladwig, premier advisor to Bismarck.
"I am glad that the people are so willing to die for Germany, what do the scouts have to say about our prospective city site?"
Ladwig couldn't wait to inform his chief, he had led the first expedition personally. "Sire, the site is located upon a hill that is easily defensible, has access to freshwater from the Bismarck river, ready access to corn, and future access to building materials like marble, trade goods like spices, and more food in a lucrative sheepfold to the east."
"What about to the north?" Bismarck inquired.
"More hills, but they may become profitable mines allowing us to turn out powerful military units and great feats of engineering without much difficulty."
"This pleases me, let us march the people to the top of the hill."
The stalwart settlers ventured forth to the peaks of the series of hills, the highest one being staked by the royal architect and crocodile hunter, Steve Berlin.
"Ain't no crocs 'round 'ere, lets build yo' palace yo' 'ighness."
So in 3960 the city of Berlin was finished, named after the architect who discerned the area's relative safety. The area appeared so safe, in fact, that the people began organizing a group to improve the land around the city instead of storing up food within the city. Meanwhile the now famous scouting corps was sent north to explore the curves of the Bismarck river.
The scout corps had a new commander as well, Sebastian Schlitz, a fair haired man with a muscular build, who was noted for surviving a bear attack as a child. He strode amongst his men shirtless so they could stare in awe at the stripes across his chest.
In 3920, learned men from Berlin appeared before Bismarck, prattling on about what discovery they should work on next. He approved of one plan that featured a sketch of a bare-chested man with a powerful looking device that the learned men called an 'axe.' Bismarck was even presented a stone prototype, and was able to fasion some crude wooden furniture with it. It was clear that this was the direction he wanted to take, so the men of Germany began preparations, and Bismarck awaited his first axemen division.
Schlitz and the scouts discovered a fertile valley, and on one of the northern hills of the valley they discovered more sheep.
"Sheep attract wolves." Schlitz thought to himself.
In 3880 after extensive exploration and wolf-extraction from the valley, a band of Schlitz's men ran from the northwest obviously excited about something. As they approached the main encampment, Schlitz began to make out the words 'savages' and 'villains' but also 'women.' Soon it was clearer, there was an indiginous tribe at hand, and it was up to Schlitz to serve as an ambassador for the civilized world, and exploit them as much as was diplomatically possible.
After many long nights communicating with signs and lewd gestures, his men had been able to relieve the tribe of its young women, and good ol' Schlitz was able to send 21 glimmering pieces of gold to Bismarck.
In addition to this financial influx into the coffers of Berlin, Bismarck also recieved some descriptions of a Body of water that the scouts had named Salt Sea. This isn't because the water was salty, but rather, where the villagers went to cry after having their gold fillings removed by Schlitz and his men.
Bismarck sent word to the scouts to stop following the Bismarck river, and proceed with exploring the coast of the Salt Sea.
In 3760 the royal cartographers appeared before Bismarck.
"Lord Bismarck, our stalwart nation has been able to stabalize its immediate surroundings, and we can safely claim dominion over much more land, we strech out as far westerly as the banks of the Bismarck, and east as far as the dark woods."
The scouts found the edge of the world, and beyond it lay a new world... with bears, Schlitz did not wish to pursue a naval adventure just yet, so they continued to follow the coast southward. The men discovered a barren desert surrounded by tall mountain peaks, a range which they named Skittlebrau after a drink that Schlitz fancied. They named the desert Schliess after an impotent former sergeant that woke up one day mysteriously killed by German hammers. Schlitz was glad to be rid of him and name the desert after him.
Schlitz gathered up the foodstuffs and ventured into the Schleiss desert. They soon reached the coast and found their way blocked by the Skittlebrau range, so they went around it. Schlitz was thankful that his nations borders looked forbidding to outsiders.
By 3480 a party of men was finally trained to go out and work the land surrounding Berlin to the best of their abilities. Led by Ahnold Hasselhoff, these men were willing to dig and chop and plow anything, as was evidenced by Hasselhoff's wife.
Schlitz and his men encountered another native tribe, and discovered the delta of the Bismarck river. These men had strange customs, they grew their hair long, smelled of burning herbs, and talked about how much they disliked someone named Bush. Schlitz saw that these rudimentary powers could cause other people to do dumb things and he brought a shaman back to Berlin to teach Bismarck the mystic ways of these long-haired non-showering folk.
Hasselhoff decided to make a mine, but didn't tell the men what they were digging for, this led to some dissention, but none were brave enough to turn against Hasselhoff. You see, they all were worried that Hasselhoff would sick his wife on them.
The Murky River Blatz was discovered in the year 3360, by Schlitz and company, and marked a division between jungle foliage and lush forests. It runs south of Berlin, as the Salt sea had now been seen on three sides of this land by the rugged scouting corps.
In 3320 the learned men approached Bismarck with a gift.
"Sire we bring to you Germany's first bronze axe."
Bismarck said "Cool, what are you going to work on now?"
The men said, "We need more food, we shall work on utilizing the corn in the southern fields."
"Fine I'ma go play wif my axe."
"Wait sir! It has come to our attention that people may work for free if we whip them, would you like to adopt this policy?"
"Yeah whip em good!"
So in 3320 the kingdom fell into anarchy for the first time!
Schlitz and his boys in their everloving quest for cartographic info, stumbled across another tribe that helped enlighten the men with the ways of the land. Now the men were fast through the forest.
Meanwhile Hasselhoffs men had had enough, they slaughtered Hasselhoff during the anarchy and went to try their hands at forestry.
Peace then returned to Germany and the people got on with their lives.
As Schlitz continued the men saw another desert, which they named the Lionsbane desert because of a vicious lion attack in which only two men survived, Schlitz and a scruffy lad named Hans. They were assisted by a local tribe that took pity on them, and nursed them to health.
What had happened was that as they were crossing the Lionsbane, they encountered a pride of lions, the lions were half-starved and driven to madness by the desert heat, it was clear that this wasn't thier normal hunting ground. However, men armed with tomahawks, even if they are rugged, are still no match for hungry lions. The lions were smart too, they only attacked men who were lagging behind the group, so it took a little while before the men realized that they were under attack. Hans had warned Schlitz, who used his animal knowledge to create a trap for the lions at a little ravine. He had Hans get chased through the ravine by the lions, and when Hans made it to the right spot, Schlitz rolled a boulder down the ravine, slaughtering the lions like so many bowling pins.
A band of citizens wished to expand their influence but Berlin offered no more great opportunities, so they ventured westward to control the channel discovered by Schlitz. They would colonize the bear infested lands. It was not bears that posed the greatest challenge, however, it was the pack of wolves that had been feeding on the sheep which Schlitz had taken note of in his initial explorations. The wolves did not attack the colonists though, just made some colonists soil their undergarments.
Schlitz and his men were finally back to full strength thanks to the indiginous people and rushed back to the safety of the woods.
In 2680 the band of colonists founded Hamburg a city named after a pile of meat which was found in the vicinity of some bear droppings.
Bismarck sought out his chief advisors to tell him of the state of his empire.
"What's going on? Why is nobody telling me anything anymore?"
"Well sire, we were all worried about that whole slavery thing, but it seems to be working out ok, Schlitz and his men were nearly eaten alive by lions, but they've survived and continue to explore for the glory of Germany. In the northwest, we have founded another city, whose influence could spread to another parcel of land, and most certainly controls a channel. The sages report that your leadership is currently on par with some guy named Dan Quayle, and we are surrounded by the Salt sea on three sides."
"That's a mouthful Ladwig, find this Dan Quayle guy and have him killed before he stirs up any more trouble, and bring me my cornbread, I loves my cornbread."
---------
Author's note: This story was brought to you in the name of procrastination, and featured assistance by my roomate, The Statesman, who played the game as I recorded. It will hopefully continue on other nights when I can nab wireless internet from my neighbors.
"Lord Bismarck, the people have decided to trust in your leadership, we will follow you to the glorious future or to the bitter end!" It was Ladwig, premier advisor to Bismarck.
"I am glad that the people are so willing to die for Germany, what do the scouts have to say about our prospective city site?"
Ladwig couldn't wait to inform his chief, he had led the first expedition personally. "Sire, the site is located upon a hill that is easily defensible, has access to freshwater from the Bismarck river, ready access to corn, and future access to building materials like marble, trade goods like spices, and more food in a lucrative sheepfold to the east."
"What about to the north?" Bismarck inquired.
"More hills, but they may become profitable mines allowing us to turn out powerful military units and great feats of engineering without much difficulty."
"This pleases me, let us march the people to the top of the hill."
The stalwart settlers ventured forth to the peaks of the series of hills, the highest one being staked by the royal architect and crocodile hunter, Steve Berlin.
"Ain't no crocs 'round 'ere, lets build yo' palace yo' 'ighness."
So in 3960 the city of Berlin was finished, named after the architect who discerned the area's relative safety. The area appeared so safe, in fact, that the people began organizing a group to improve the land around the city instead of storing up food within the city. Meanwhile the now famous scouting corps was sent north to explore the curves of the Bismarck river.
The scout corps had a new commander as well, Sebastian Schlitz, a fair haired man with a muscular build, who was noted for surviving a bear attack as a child. He strode amongst his men shirtless so they could stare in awe at the stripes across his chest.
In 3920, learned men from Berlin appeared before Bismarck, prattling on about what discovery they should work on next. He approved of one plan that featured a sketch of a bare-chested man with a powerful looking device that the learned men called an 'axe.' Bismarck was even presented a stone prototype, and was able to fasion some crude wooden furniture with it. It was clear that this was the direction he wanted to take, so the men of Germany began preparations, and Bismarck awaited his first axemen division.
Schlitz and the scouts discovered a fertile valley, and on one of the northern hills of the valley they discovered more sheep.
"Sheep attract wolves." Schlitz thought to himself.
In 3880 after extensive exploration and wolf-extraction from the valley, a band of Schlitz's men ran from the northwest obviously excited about something. As they approached the main encampment, Schlitz began to make out the words 'savages' and 'villains' but also 'women.' Soon it was clearer, there was an indiginous tribe at hand, and it was up to Schlitz to serve as an ambassador for the civilized world, and exploit them as much as was diplomatically possible.
After many long nights communicating with signs and lewd gestures, his men had been able to relieve the tribe of its young women, and good ol' Schlitz was able to send 21 glimmering pieces of gold to Bismarck.
In addition to this financial influx into the coffers of Berlin, Bismarck also recieved some descriptions of a Body of water that the scouts had named Salt Sea. This isn't because the water was salty, but rather, where the villagers went to cry after having their gold fillings removed by Schlitz and his men.
Bismarck sent word to the scouts to stop following the Bismarck river, and proceed with exploring the coast of the Salt Sea.
In 3760 the royal cartographers appeared before Bismarck.
"Lord Bismarck, our stalwart nation has been able to stabalize its immediate surroundings, and we can safely claim dominion over much more land, we strech out as far westerly as the banks of the Bismarck, and east as far as the dark woods."
The scouts found the edge of the world, and beyond it lay a new world... with bears, Schlitz did not wish to pursue a naval adventure just yet, so they continued to follow the coast southward. The men discovered a barren desert surrounded by tall mountain peaks, a range which they named Skittlebrau after a drink that Schlitz fancied. They named the desert Schliess after an impotent former sergeant that woke up one day mysteriously killed by German hammers. Schlitz was glad to be rid of him and name the desert after him.
Schlitz gathered up the foodstuffs and ventured into the Schleiss desert. They soon reached the coast and found their way blocked by the Skittlebrau range, so they went around it. Schlitz was thankful that his nations borders looked forbidding to outsiders.
By 3480 a party of men was finally trained to go out and work the land surrounding Berlin to the best of their abilities. Led by Ahnold Hasselhoff, these men were willing to dig and chop and plow anything, as was evidenced by Hasselhoff's wife.
Schlitz and his men encountered another native tribe, and discovered the delta of the Bismarck river. These men had strange customs, they grew their hair long, smelled of burning herbs, and talked about how much they disliked someone named Bush. Schlitz saw that these rudimentary powers could cause other people to do dumb things and he brought a shaman back to Berlin to teach Bismarck the mystic ways of these long-haired non-showering folk.
Hasselhoff decided to make a mine, but didn't tell the men what they were digging for, this led to some dissention, but none were brave enough to turn against Hasselhoff. You see, they all were worried that Hasselhoff would sick his wife on them.
The Murky River Blatz was discovered in the year 3360, by Schlitz and company, and marked a division between jungle foliage and lush forests. It runs south of Berlin, as the Salt sea had now been seen on three sides of this land by the rugged scouting corps.
In 3320 the learned men approached Bismarck with a gift.
"Sire we bring to you Germany's first bronze axe."
Bismarck said "Cool, what are you going to work on now?"
The men said, "We need more food, we shall work on utilizing the corn in the southern fields."
"Fine I'ma go play wif my axe."
"Wait sir! It has come to our attention that people may work for free if we whip them, would you like to adopt this policy?"
"Yeah whip em good!"
So in 3320 the kingdom fell into anarchy for the first time!
Schlitz and his boys in their everloving quest for cartographic info, stumbled across another tribe that helped enlighten the men with the ways of the land. Now the men were fast through the forest.
Meanwhile Hasselhoffs men had had enough, they slaughtered Hasselhoff during the anarchy and went to try their hands at forestry.
Peace then returned to Germany and the people got on with their lives.
As Schlitz continued the men saw another desert, which they named the Lionsbane desert because of a vicious lion attack in which only two men survived, Schlitz and a scruffy lad named Hans. They were assisted by a local tribe that took pity on them, and nursed them to health.
What had happened was that as they were crossing the Lionsbane, they encountered a pride of lions, the lions were half-starved and driven to madness by the desert heat, it was clear that this wasn't thier normal hunting ground. However, men armed with tomahawks, even if they are rugged, are still no match for hungry lions. The lions were smart too, they only attacked men who were lagging behind the group, so it took a little while before the men realized that they were under attack. Hans had warned Schlitz, who used his animal knowledge to create a trap for the lions at a little ravine. He had Hans get chased through the ravine by the lions, and when Hans made it to the right spot, Schlitz rolled a boulder down the ravine, slaughtering the lions like so many bowling pins.
A band of citizens wished to expand their influence but Berlin offered no more great opportunities, so they ventured westward to control the channel discovered by Schlitz. They would colonize the bear infested lands. It was not bears that posed the greatest challenge, however, it was the pack of wolves that had been feeding on the sheep which Schlitz had taken note of in his initial explorations. The wolves did not attack the colonists though, just made some colonists soil their undergarments.
Schlitz and his men were finally back to full strength thanks to the indiginous people and rushed back to the safety of the woods.
In 2680 the band of colonists founded Hamburg a city named after a pile of meat which was found in the vicinity of some bear droppings.
Bismarck sought out his chief advisors to tell him of the state of his empire.
"What's going on? Why is nobody telling me anything anymore?"
"Well sire, we were all worried about that whole slavery thing, but it seems to be working out ok, Schlitz and his men were nearly eaten alive by lions, but they've survived and continue to explore for the glory of Germany. In the northwest, we have founded another city, whose influence could spread to another parcel of land, and most certainly controls a channel. The sages report that your leadership is currently on par with some guy named Dan Quayle, and we are surrounded by the Salt sea on three sides."
"That's a mouthful Ladwig, find this Dan Quayle guy and have him killed before he stirs up any more trouble, and bring me my cornbread, I loves my cornbread."
---------
Author's note: This story was brought to you in the name of procrastination, and featured assistance by my roomate, The Statesman, who played the game as I recorded. It will hopefully continue on other nights when I can nab wireless internet from my neighbors.
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