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PlanetFargo: A Civilized Movie Pitch
This week, as hype builds for the DOOM movie, Fargo presents a pitch for the next licensed classic.
By Dave 'Fargo' Kosak | Oct. 13, 2005
This past week I was excited to get a chance to see a pre-release screening of the new DOOM Movie, a subtle and intellectual romp through metaphor and allegory, delicately filmed in a whimsical, family-fun sort of way. But don't worry, I'm not here to give away any of the plot twists (spoiler: monsters attack people.) Instead, I'm beginning to see the light. Game to movie crossovers can work, if you've got good people and a good script behind them.
Having already proven my Hollywood prowess with a stunning complete script for the Spy Hunter movie, I thought I'd take a stab at a movie concept so huge it would make Ten Commandments look like Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. I'm talking about a historical epic who's scope is so big that history itself is the subject, backed by one of the most celebrated franchises in gaming history. Yes, I call it:
SCENE 1: EXT - A FERTILE FIELD - DAWN
ABRAHAM LINCOLN steps out of a hut made of wooden stakes and animal skins. He looks over a small thriving village of similar tents, abuzz with activity as primitive humans around him clack stone tools together. Although everyone is wearing animal skins and facepaint, Lincoln for some reason is in a dark suit and stovepipe hat. His attention is diverted when a tribal warrior runs up, wearing primitive bone armor and holding something important: a big wooden stick.
MILITARY ADVISOR
Sir! Sir! We've discovered it: The ultimate weapon. It's called "The Club."
LINCOLN
The Club?
MILITARY ADVISOR
Accept no imitations!
LINCOLN
I find this "club" intriguing, but I would like to direct our energies elsewhere. No, our people must be fruitful. We must create settlers, so as to found new cities, and spread our culture worldwide.
LINCOLN pulls out a bullhorn and lifts it to his lips. He addresses his people, his deep powerful voice echoing from horizon to horizon as he proclaims:
LINCOLN (into bullhorn)
Have ... more ... sex.
The opening credits sequence follows.
EXT - A FERTILE FIELD - EARLY MORNING
Satisfied, ABRAHAM LINCOLN turns around to return to his hut. He is stunned to discover that his hut has miraculously transformed into an impressive stone palace. He does a total double-take, leaping backwards on his feet and looking around in shock. Then, regaining his composure, he steps into his palace.
INT - STONE THRONE ROOM - MORNING
LINCOLN is admiring his new digs, examining a rough tapestry with a puzzled expression on his face, when his MILITARY ADVISOR (now wearing a primitive woolen jerkin) marches up, holding a spear.
MILITARY ADVISOR
Sir we've developed a weapon so powerful that it will forever change the course of human history. Behold: The Spear. Go ahead, take hold, but avoid the pointy end, I'm told it's sharp.
LINCOLN
Excellent work, friend, but my people are not a warlike people. Instead, let us build great Temples, as objective proof that our beliefs are better than the beliefs of anyone whose temples are smaller. Also, they'll make our borders bigger.
The SCIENCE ADVISOR, wearing flowing robes, enters the throne room.
SCIENCE ADVISOR
Sir, might I suggest that we research 'Animal Husbandry.'
LINCOLN
Oh hell no. That's sick.
SCIENCE ADVISOR
...No no, it's for riding horses.
LINCOLN (Leaving the room)
I don't even want to know.
The SCIENCE ADVISOR follows LINCOLN out of the Throne room, protesting.
EXT - A THRIVING CITY - MID DAY
As LINCOLN emerges from his Throne Room, he is stunned to discover a burgeoning city of smoke-belching brick buildings nestled amongst winding cobblestone streets.
LINCOLN
What the hell happened here?
His MILITARY ADVISOR, wearing chainmail, rushes up and speaks. He is out of breath.
MILITARY ADVISOR
Sir... Napoleon ... attacking ...
LINCOLN
Very well, we shall build some of those ... whatchacallem ... "Spears."
MILITARY ADVISOR (catching his breath)
...Spears are so ten turns ago. Allow me to introduce you to the most horrifying implement of devastation ever forged by the hands of man, a weapon so terrible that the very idea of warfare will turn men's stomachs and force them on the path of peace. It is: the crossbow.
He hands a crossbow to LINCOLN.
MILITARY ADVISOR [Continuing]
It is a magnificent piece of engineering. It is a force of nature. It is --
A soldier in an elaborate uniform with a plumed hat comes forward and interrupts, whispering something to the MILITARY ADVISOR. The advisor suddenly tears the crossbow from LINCOLN's hands.
MILITARY ADVISOR [Continuing]
-- crap, it is absolute crap. Not worth the materials. Get a load of: The Rifle. It shoots bullets, tr�s sweet.
The soldier hands a rifle to Lincoln, who is duly impressed.
LINCOLN
Okay, go for it. Build as many as we can afford. "A house divided against itself" yadda yadda, gentlemen.
SCIENCE ADVISOR
But sir, war with the French isn't really about a house divided...?
LINCOLN
Look here, brainiac, I'd like to think that if history had given me a chance, I woulda kicked Napoleon's ass. Let's prove it, shall we?
Confident, LINCOLN shoulders his rifle and steps back inside his palace, the SCIENCE ADVISOR trailing behind.
INT - LINCOLN'S ORNATE OFFICE - AFTERNOON
LINCOLN is once again stunned to find that his throne room has been replaced by an elaborate Victorian office with rich wood paneling, spacious windows, and thick ornate curtains.
This time he tries to mask his sudden surprise and strides purposefully over to his desk. He sits his rifle gingerly on top of the massive mahogany surface with a heavy metallic clunk and turns to address his chief Scientist.
LINCOLN
Listen to this: I'm toying with inventing "Theater" next. What do you think?
SCIENCE ADVISOR
Honestly, Mr. Lincoln, now that we've invented guns I strongly advise you not to invent Theaters.
Suddenly, a phone on Lincoln's desk rings. LINCOLN jumps back, startled. He looks all around until he discovers the source of the noise. Then, he stares at the phone in terror and shock.
LINCOLN
What the hell is that thing?
SCIENCE ADVISOR
That, sir, is a "Telephone." It is used to communicate over long distances. I suggest you try it.
LINCOLN (shouting at the phone)
HELLO? HEELLLOO!?
SCIENCE ADVISOR
You'll need to pick up the handle thingie on the top, sir.
LINCOLN thanks his associate with a knowing nod, then picks up the receiver. He holds it and looks at it for a moment, happy that the ringing has stopped. Then, ignoring the receiver in his hand, he leans over and shots once again at the telephone itself.
LINCOLN
HELLO? HELLLLOOO!?
The doors to the office fly open and the MILITARY ADVISOR barges in. He is wearing a Khaki military uniform, covered in mud and blood stains. He looks quite harried.
MILITARY ADVISOR
Sir, can I just run something by you? I just want to get your opinion on something. [He makes quotation fingers with his hands.] "TANKS." Hunh? Tanks, eh? What do you think?
Suddenly, the room heaves and the windows shatter with the loud crash of an explosion. Stunned, LINCOLN drops into his chair, grasping his big desk for support while the phone clatters to the ground.
MILITARY ADVISOR
It's that damn Napoleon, sir!
LINCOLN
That's enough, gentlemen, this war ends right here! [Pointing to phone] Can you get me Napoleon on that thing?
SCIENCE ADVISOR
We can do better than that, sir.
The SCIENCE ADVISOR motions offscreen to several assistants, who momentarily appear in white lab coats, rolling in a 1990s era PC hooked up to a webcam. As this is happening, the sound of prop-driven airplanes and the whistle of falling bombs can be heard in the distance, followed by explosions of increasing volume. LINCOLN rolls his chair up to the PC and looks at it, uncomfortably. Suddenly, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE -- portrayed by Danny DeVito -- appears on the screen. The grainy webcam footage is updated only once or twice a second.
LINCOLN
Bonaparte, we meet at last. How can we make things right between us?
NAPOLEON
I will declare a ceasefire for ten turns in return for New York and Chicago.
LINCOLN
New York and Chicago? Those are two of our coolest cities! [Pause.] What can I get for Miami?
NAPOLEON
...NOTHING! [Cruel laughter]
Flying into a rage, LINCOLN suddenly stands up and whips off his coat.
LINCOLN
Oh, that's it. It's on. IT ... IS ... SO ... ON.
LINCOLN kicks the computer, severing the webcam connection. He picks up his telephone and screams into the receiver:
LINCOLN
GET ... ME ... The MECHALINCOLN!
SCIENCE ADVISOR [Protesting]
Wait sir -- no, sir! The MECHALINCOLN hasn't been tested outside of laboratory conditions!
LINCOLN
Then I'll test it right now.
Rolling up his sleeves, LINCOLN pushes open a secret wooden panel in the wall and steps outside.
EXT - MASSIVE LAUNCH GANTRY - EARLY EVENING
LINCOLN's secret door leads him out onto a metal catwalk suspended over a massive glass and cement military installation in the midst of a sprawling futuristic city. In the center of this installation is an enormous launch pad, upon which stands a huge 10-story-tall robot, surrounded by a complex metal gantry and shimmering in the setting sun.
For reasons unclear, the giant robot is wearing an enormous black metal stovepipe hat.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN ascends the launch gantry in an elevator while the music swells and bombs rain down upon the complex. Down below -- tiny from this height -- LINCOLN's SCIENCE ADVISOR cries out in protest while his MILITARY ADVISOR cheers him on.
At last, LINCOLN arrives at the top level of the gantry, and enters the giant robot through a hatch in its ear. The Earth rumbles: vast clouds of white smoke erupt from the feet of the machine and the gantry falls away as MECHALINCOLN ascends. As the gigantic robot soars over the infinite cityscape, its eyes flash red while LINCOLN's voice -- amplified to boom for miles around -- calls out:
LINCOLN'S VOICE [Amplified]
BOOYAH.
Shoulder-holstered rocket mounts rise up on either side of MECHALINCOLN's head, and dozens of nuclear missiles pour forth leaving behind swirling tendrils of smoke. Soon white-hot circular explosions line the horizon. Then MECHALINCOLN sprouts great wings and roars off into the distance.
EXT - NEW YORK CITY - DUSK
The city is in chaos. A long column of black hovertanks adorned with French flags glides menacingly down Broadway, shelling any resistance. The lead tank whines to a halt and NAPOLEON pops his head out of the open hatch, lifting a pair of cybernetic binoculars to his face.
NAPOLEON
Giant robot Lincoln -- as expected.
He leans into the tank and barks orders in French.
The MECHALINCOLN, meanwhile, arrives at the base of the Empire State Building.
INT - MECHALINCOLN CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
LINCOLN looks up at the skyscraper and sniffs.
LINCOLN
Peter Jackson got nothin' on this.
LINCOLN frantically starts pulling on levers.
EXT - NEW YORK CITY - DUSK
Enormous octopus-like metal tendrils snake out of the back of MECHALINCOLN and grab onto the skyscraper's stone edifice, raining giant heaps of stone onto the ground below. The enormous metal beast begins to scale the Empire State Building. French stealth fighter jets move in for the kill; one by one the MECHALINCOLN swats them down. The giant robot reaches the peak of the building and roars, shaking the city to its very core. MECHALINCOLN's laser eyes fire right and left, sending burning fighter jets spiraling to the earth and destroying whole columns of French tanks with each sweep.
Suddenly, a rocket impacts into MECHALINCOLN's side -- it begins to topple -- a final ROAR! And then it's plummeting, plummeting... the enormous robot crashes to the earth with a shudder that shatters glass for a mile in every direction. Huddled masses of people struggle to look through the smoke, only to have their worst fears realized:
MECHALINCOLN is dead.
After a pregnant pause, Walt Whitman drives by in a parade float to read aloud "Oh Captain My Captain."
That's when the closing credits kick in. Followed by the hysterical blooper reel.
This week, as hype builds for the DOOM movie, Fargo presents a pitch for the next licensed classic.
By Dave 'Fargo' Kosak | Oct. 13, 2005
This past week I was excited to get a chance to see a pre-release screening of the new DOOM Movie, a subtle and intellectual romp through metaphor and allegory, delicately filmed in a whimsical, family-fun sort of way. But don't worry, I'm not here to give away any of the plot twists (spoiler: monsters attack people.) Instead, I'm beginning to see the light. Game to movie crossovers can work, if you've got good people and a good script behind them.
Having already proven my Hollywood prowess with a stunning complete script for the Spy Hunter movie, I thought I'd take a stab at a movie concept so huge it would make Ten Commandments look like Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. I'm talking about a historical epic who's scope is so big that history itself is the subject, backed by one of the most celebrated franchises in gaming history. Yes, I call it:
SCENE 1: EXT - A FERTILE FIELD - DAWN
ABRAHAM LINCOLN steps out of a hut made of wooden stakes and animal skins. He looks over a small thriving village of similar tents, abuzz with activity as primitive humans around him clack stone tools together. Although everyone is wearing animal skins and facepaint, Lincoln for some reason is in a dark suit and stovepipe hat. His attention is diverted when a tribal warrior runs up, wearing primitive bone armor and holding something important: a big wooden stick.
MILITARY ADVISOR
Sir! Sir! We've discovered it: The ultimate weapon. It's called "The Club."
LINCOLN
The Club?
MILITARY ADVISOR
Accept no imitations!
LINCOLN
I find this "club" intriguing, but I would like to direct our energies elsewhere. No, our people must be fruitful. We must create settlers, so as to found new cities, and spread our culture worldwide.
LINCOLN pulls out a bullhorn and lifts it to his lips. He addresses his people, his deep powerful voice echoing from horizon to horizon as he proclaims:
LINCOLN (into bullhorn)
Have ... more ... sex.
The opening credits sequence follows.
EXT - A FERTILE FIELD - EARLY MORNING
Satisfied, ABRAHAM LINCOLN turns around to return to his hut. He is stunned to discover that his hut has miraculously transformed into an impressive stone palace. He does a total double-take, leaping backwards on his feet and looking around in shock. Then, regaining his composure, he steps into his palace.
INT - STONE THRONE ROOM - MORNING
LINCOLN is admiring his new digs, examining a rough tapestry with a puzzled expression on his face, when his MILITARY ADVISOR (now wearing a primitive woolen jerkin) marches up, holding a spear.
MILITARY ADVISOR
Sir we've developed a weapon so powerful that it will forever change the course of human history. Behold: The Spear. Go ahead, take hold, but avoid the pointy end, I'm told it's sharp.
LINCOLN
Excellent work, friend, but my people are not a warlike people. Instead, let us build great Temples, as objective proof that our beliefs are better than the beliefs of anyone whose temples are smaller. Also, they'll make our borders bigger.
The SCIENCE ADVISOR, wearing flowing robes, enters the throne room.
SCIENCE ADVISOR
Sir, might I suggest that we research 'Animal Husbandry.'
LINCOLN
Oh hell no. That's sick.
SCIENCE ADVISOR
...No no, it's for riding horses.
LINCOLN (Leaving the room)
I don't even want to know.
The SCIENCE ADVISOR follows LINCOLN out of the Throne room, protesting.
EXT - A THRIVING CITY - MID DAY
As LINCOLN emerges from his Throne Room, he is stunned to discover a burgeoning city of smoke-belching brick buildings nestled amongst winding cobblestone streets.
LINCOLN
What the hell happened here?
His MILITARY ADVISOR, wearing chainmail, rushes up and speaks. He is out of breath.
MILITARY ADVISOR
Sir... Napoleon ... attacking ...
LINCOLN
Very well, we shall build some of those ... whatchacallem ... "Spears."
MILITARY ADVISOR (catching his breath)
...Spears are so ten turns ago. Allow me to introduce you to the most horrifying implement of devastation ever forged by the hands of man, a weapon so terrible that the very idea of warfare will turn men's stomachs and force them on the path of peace. It is: the crossbow.
He hands a crossbow to LINCOLN.
MILITARY ADVISOR [Continuing]
It is a magnificent piece of engineering. It is a force of nature. It is --
A soldier in an elaborate uniform with a plumed hat comes forward and interrupts, whispering something to the MILITARY ADVISOR. The advisor suddenly tears the crossbow from LINCOLN's hands.
MILITARY ADVISOR [Continuing]
-- crap, it is absolute crap. Not worth the materials. Get a load of: The Rifle. It shoots bullets, tr�s sweet.
The soldier hands a rifle to Lincoln, who is duly impressed.
LINCOLN
Okay, go for it. Build as many as we can afford. "A house divided against itself" yadda yadda, gentlemen.
SCIENCE ADVISOR
But sir, war with the French isn't really about a house divided...?
LINCOLN
Look here, brainiac, I'd like to think that if history had given me a chance, I woulda kicked Napoleon's ass. Let's prove it, shall we?
Confident, LINCOLN shoulders his rifle and steps back inside his palace, the SCIENCE ADVISOR trailing behind.
INT - LINCOLN'S ORNATE OFFICE - AFTERNOON
LINCOLN is once again stunned to find that his throne room has been replaced by an elaborate Victorian office with rich wood paneling, spacious windows, and thick ornate curtains.
This time he tries to mask his sudden surprise and strides purposefully over to his desk. He sits his rifle gingerly on top of the massive mahogany surface with a heavy metallic clunk and turns to address his chief Scientist.
LINCOLN
Listen to this: I'm toying with inventing "Theater" next. What do you think?
SCIENCE ADVISOR
Honestly, Mr. Lincoln, now that we've invented guns I strongly advise you not to invent Theaters.
Suddenly, a phone on Lincoln's desk rings. LINCOLN jumps back, startled. He looks all around until he discovers the source of the noise. Then, he stares at the phone in terror and shock.
LINCOLN
What the hell is that thing?
SCIENCE ADVISOR
That, sir, is a "Telephone." It is used to communicate over long distances. I suggest you try it.
LINCOLN (shouting at the phone)
HELLO? HEELLLOO!?
SCIENCE ADVISOR
You'll need to pick up the handle thingie on the top, sir.
LINCOLN thanks his associate with a knowing nod, then picks up the receiver. He holds it and looks at it for a moment, happy that the ringing has stopped. Then, ignoring the receiver in his hand, he leans over and shots once again at the telephone itself.
LINCOLN
HELLO? HELLLLOOO!?
The doors to the office fly open and the MILITARY ADVISOR barges in. He is wearing a Khaki military uniform, covered in mud and blood stains. He looks quite harried.
MILITARY ADVISOR
Sir, can I just run something by you? I just want to get your opinion on something. [He makes quotation fingers with his hands.] "TANKS." Hunh? Tanks, eh? What do you think?
Suddenly, the room heaves and the windows shatter with the loud crash of an explosion. Stunned, LINCOLN drops into his chair, grasping his big desk for support while the phone clatters to the ground.
MILITARY ADVISOR
It's that damn Napoleon, sir!
LINCOLN
That's enough, gentlemen, this war ends right here! [Pointing to phone] Can you get me Napoleon on that thing?
SCIENCE ADVISOR
We can do better than that, sir.
The SCIENCE ADVISOR motions offscreen to several assistants, who momentarily appear in white lab coats, rolling in a 1990s era PC hooked up to a webcam. As this is happening, the sound of prop-driven airplanes and the whistle of falling bombs can be heard in the distance, followed by explosions of increasing volume. LINCOLN rolls his chair up to the PC and looks at it, uncomfortably. Suddenly, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE -- portrayed by Danny DeVito -- appears on the screen. The grainy webcam footage is updated only once or twice a second.
LINCOLN
Bonaparte, we meet at last. How can we make things right between us?
NAPOLEON
I will declare a ceasefire for ten turns in return for New York and Chicago.
LINCOLN
New York and Chicago? Those are two of our coolest cities! [Pause.] What can I get for Miami?
NAPOLEON
...NOTHING! [Cruel laughter]
Flying into a rage, LINCOLN suddenly stands up and whips off his coat.
LINCOLN
Oh, that's it. It's on. IT ... IS ... SO ... ON.
LINCOLN kicks the computer, severing the webcam connection. He picks up his telephone and screams into the receiver:
LINCOLN
GET ... ME ... The MECHALINCOLN!
SCIENCE ADVISOR [Protesting]
Wait sir -- no, sir! The MECHALINCOLN hasn't been tested outside of laboratory conditions!
LINCOLN
Then I'll test it right now.
Rolling up his sleeves, LINCOLN pushes open a secret wooden panel in the wall and steps outside.
EXT - MASSIVE LAUNCH GANTRY - EARLY EVENING
LINCOLN's secret door leads him out onto a metal catwalk suspended over a massive glass and cement military installation in the midst of a sprawling futuristic city. In the center of this installation is an enormous launch pad, upon which stands a huge 10-story-tall robot, surrounded by a complex metal gantry and shimmering in the setting sun.
For reasons unclear, the giant robot is wearing an enormous black metal stovepipe hat.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN ascends the launch gantry in an elevator while the music swells and bombs rain down upon the complex. Down below -- tiny from this height -- LINCOLN's SCIENCE ADVISOR cries out in protest while his MILITARY ADVISOR cheers him on.
At last, LINCOLN arrives at the top level of the gantry, and enters the giant robot through a hatch in its ear. The Earth rumbles: vast clouds of white smoke erupt from the feet of the machine and the gantry falls away as MECHALINCOLN ascends. As the gigantic robot soars over the infinite cityscape, its eyes flash red while LINCOLN's voice -- amplified to boom for miles around -- calls out:
LINCOLN'S VOICE [Amplified]
BOOYAH.
Shoulder-holstered rocket mounts rise up on either side of MECHALINCOLN's head, and dozens of nuclear missiles pour forth leaving behind swirling tendrils of smoke. Soon white-hot circular explosions line the horizon. Then MECHALINCOLN sprouts great wings and roars off into the distance.
EXT - NEW YORK CITY - DUSK
The city is in chaos. A long column of black hovertanks adorned with French flags glides menacingly down Broadway, shelling any resistance. The lead tank whines to a halt and NAPOLEON pops his head out of the open hatch, lifting a pair of cybernetic binoculars to his face.
NAPOLEON
Giant robot Lincoln -- as expected.
He leans into the tank and barks orders in French.
The MECHALINCOLN, meanwhile, arrives at the base of the Empire State Building.
INT - MECHALINCOLN CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
LINCOLN looks up at the skyscraper and sniffs.
LINCOLN
Peter Jackson got nothin' on this.
LINCOLN frantically starts pulling on levers.
EXT - NEW YORK CITY - DUSK
Enormous octopus-like metal tendrils snake out of the back of MECHALINCOLN and grab onto the skyscraper's stone edifice, raining giant heaps of stone onto the ground below. The enormous metal beast begins to scale the Empire State Building. French stealth fighter jets move in for the kill; one by one the MECHALINCOLN swats them down. The giant robot reaches the peak of the building and roars, shaking the city to its very core. MECHALINCOLN's laser eyes fire right and left, sending burning fighter jets spiraling to the earth and destroying whole columns of French tanks with each sweep.
Suddenly, a rocket impacts into MECHALINCOLN's side -- it begins to topple -- a final ROAR! And then it's plummeting, plummeting... the enormous robot crashes to the earth with a shudder that shatters glass for a mile in every direction. Huddled masses of people struggle to look through the smoke, only to have their worst fears realized:
MECHALINCOLN is dead.
After a pregnant pause, Walt Whitman drives by in a parade float to read aloud "Oh Captain My Captain."
That's when the closing credits kick in. Followed by the hysterical blooper reel.
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