Is this why I never could get a job in Finance?

**Al B. Sure!** · February 9, 2012, 17:35

The competition is fierce. I can only do 21 pullups currently and can't bench 2x bodyweight

1/23/2012

J.P. Morgan

Dear Sir or Madame:

I am an ambitious undergraduate at NYU triple majoring in Mathematics, Economics, and Computer Science. I am a punctual, personable, and shrewd individual, yet I have a quality which I pride myself on more than any of these.

I am unequivocally the most unflaggingly hard worker I know, and I love self-improvement. I have always felt that my time should be spent wisely, so I continuously challenge myself; I left Villanova because the work was too easy. Once I realized I could achieve a perfect GPA while holding a part-time job at NYU, I decided to redouble my effort by placing out of two classes, taking two honors classes, and holding two part-time jobs. That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull-ups.

I say these things only because solid evidence is more convincing than unverifiable statements, and I want to demonstrate that I am a hard worker. J.P. Morgan is a firm with a reputation that precedes itself and employees who represent only the best and rightest in finance. I know that the employees in this firm will push me to excellence, especially within the Investment Banking division. In fact, one of the supporting reasons I chose Investment Banking over any other division was that I know it is difficult. I hope to augment my character by diligently working for the professionals at Morgan Stanley, and I feel I have much to offer in return.

I am proficient in several programming languages, and I can pick up a new one very quickly. For instance, I learned a years worth of Java from NYU in 27 days on my own; this is how I placed out of two including: Money and Banking, Analysis, Game Theory, Probability and Statistics. Even further, I am taking Machine Learning and Probabilistic Graphical Modeling currently, two programming courses offered by Stanford, so that I may truly offer the most if I am accepted. I am proficient with Bloomberg terminals, excellent with excel, and can perform basic office functions with terrifying efficiency. I have plenty of experience in the professional world through my internship at Merrill Lynch, and my research assistant position at NYU. In fact, my most recent employer has found me so useful that he promoted me to a Research Assistant and an official CTED intern. This role is usually reserved for Masters students, but my employer gave the title to me so that he could give me more work.

Please realize that I am not a braggart or conceited, I just want to outline my usefulness. Egos can be a huge liability, and I try not to have one.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,

Mark

**Aeson** · February 9, 2012, 17:43

That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull-ups.

Even I can do more than 35 pull ups over the course of a semester.

**MRT144** · February 9, 2012, 17:46

Cover letters like that are the stuff of Investment Bank legend.

**KrazyHorse** · February 9, 2012, 18:03

This made the rounds a few days ago.

**MRT144** · February 9, 2012, 18:17

Impossible is Nothing is clearly the pinnacle of such absurdities.

**KrazyHorse** · February 9, 2012, 18:36

Alexey vayner is awesome.

**Thorn** · February 9, 2012, 18:57

I'm not quite sure what this topic is about.

**DaShi** · February 9, 2012, 19:47

Dear Sir or Madame:

I'm not a hard workers, because I get it right the first time.

**Elok** · February 9, 2012, 20:49

He can perform basic office functions with TERRIFYING efficiency!

"That was the legendary Shingo-Ryuu Jujitsu two-button copy-collate technique! He could kill us all!"

**Uncle Sparky** · February 9, 2012, 21:01

Originally Posted by Aeson

Even I can do more than 35 pull ups over the course of a semester.

... but could you bench press 2 lbs per day? He managed to bench 2x his body weight over the course of a semester, he does not state if he did it all at once.

**Elok** · February 9, 2012, 21:03

"J.P. Morgan is a firm with a reputation that precedes itself and employees who represent only the best and rightest in finance."

Great job, kid. You've got two glaring typos in one offensively kiss-ass sentence, right there.

**Provost Harrison** · February 10, 2012, 05:32

Typos aside, the guy sounds like a c*ck. I wouldn't employ him

**dannubis** · February 10, 2012, 05:39

Probably he got hired...

**Provost Harrison** · February 10, 2012, 06:12

Originally Posted by dannubis

Probably he got hired...

At J.P.Morgan or Goldman Sachs...they lap up that sh*t.

**dannubis** · February 10, 2012, 06:15

I think it is practical joke by KH.

**Provost Harrison** · February 10, 2012, 06:19

I wonder if it is his CV. Although it is probably a bit low-key for him

**Provost Harrison** · February 10, 2012, 06:20

"I have Excel skills that would make Odin sh*t himself".

**dannubis** · February 10, 2012, 06:22

I must remeber this one ...

Seriously, anybody putting that sentence in his resume would get immediately to the second round.

**MikeH** · February 10, 2012, 06:31

Is it ok to address and sign off a formal cover letter so informally in the States?

**Provost Harrison** · February 10, 2012, 06:33

No. I believe it should be "laterz mofos" if it is a formal letter.

**dannubis** · February 10, 2012, 08:25

I usually use "kind regards".

But then again, I am a nice person.

**rah** · February 10, 2012, 08:32

And to think I misread the title and thought it said "Is this why I never could get a job in France?"
It made the first post quite confusing.

**Flubber** · February 10, 2012, 09:18

only the best and rightest

This was my favorite.

I also loved the "augment my character" bit.

In certain places this looks like he went to thesaurus and looked up slightly more difficult words than he would typically use so that he could sprinkle them throughout. Perhaps this was slightly computer generated? Or maybe created by a person for whom English is not their first language?

Was this a joke or are people asserting its real?

I know I make types---- I mean typos, on here all the time and don't give a rats ass but on a formal job application its inexcusable. It is doubly inexcusable when you are asserting such a high standard for yourself.

**Ogie Oglethorpe** · February 10, 2012, 09:41

Originally Posted by KrazyHorse

Alexey vayner is awesome.

Best Interview video evah!

**Elok** · February 10, 2012, 10:07

Originally Posted by Flubber

I also loved the "augment my character" bit.

It's no joke; his Amulet of Financial Services provides him with +2 INT. Now his only weak spot is Charisma...

**Al B. Sure!** · February 10, 2012, 12:50

He also mistakes Morgan Stanley for JP Morgan in that 'augment my character' sentence.

**ricketyclik** · February 10, 2012, 17:02

"... only the best and rightest in finance".

Shouldn't that be "... the best and rightist"?

**Jon Miller** · February 10, 2012, 17:22

bestest and whitest

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