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Kody CMN Journal

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  • Kody CMN Journal

    Date: Monday 28 June 2004
    Turn: MY2101 - Gaians

    Readded Drogue to my MSN, fortunately I never block people I remove from my MSN lists so his email was easy to find. I think I need to watch that I don't do too much in game related stuff, might end up falling into the trap of becoming a moderator.

    Most of the news introduction stuff and such has been updated. I'm just down to the prologue thingy now. Now I need to wait a few turns for the teams to sort out their turn players before I hit them with roleplay requests.

    I got my idea for the background story overturned. In the long run there's very little difference, but in the short run I'm having trouble coming up with an interesting prologue. Maybe I'll read more about each team and come up with a prologue that shows the attributes of every team.

    Gaians are continuing to lag with their turn, but I've been talking to obstructor alot about it. Honghu, pointed out that Obstructor was following a similar path to me in that he was exerting too much influence on the running of the team. I talked to Obstructor about it because I was worried about him killing off his faction the way I originally did.

    Obstructor been kindof nice and been talking to me about roleplay and such, giving ideas on things to do in the future. I don't feel so bad about my background story being overtuned, because Obstructor didn't like it and it seems he'll be interested in helping getting the roleplay off the ground. Okay that may not make sense, but meh.

    To offset the Gaian turn lagging I proposed that the first 9 squares be shown to each faction. Nobody seemed to object so I did that and it seems that it's helping discussion and keeping people from going inactive. Yah!

    Googlie, gave me the old spartan forums and the old morgan forums. I also got accepted into the current morgan forum. Lots of interesting things happened in those forums. Googlie did huge paste jobs of old AC strategy posts, I spent quite a long time reading them yesterday. In my opinion Googlie will be one of the driving forces in the uncoming game. Somehow he was able to be a driving force without drowning out other people in his faction. That's quite a skill, but he's probably like double my age.

    Enigma got accepted into data-angels which I thought was great. Honghu and I were kindof worried about him. While him being accepted is great it means I'll be inclined to keep an eye on what he's doing in the data angels now. Hopefully he'll go clean.

    Enigma seems to have gotten another chance at things. He's wising up and it appears to be because he's been quietly taking advice from many people. I had a few conversations with him giving him advice on inter-personal issues and I think Honghu has too. I had a look at the Spartan's forum on the issue of accepting Enigma into their faction. In there Googlie mentions that he's been giving Enigma advice too.

    Data angels have changed their password, that was pretty easy, but got worried about Enigma figuring out where the passwords is stored. He's smart enough to try and replicate what I've done in Codicil. so I'm only releasing the modified save to the Gaians. I just hope the Gaians use the modified save, if not I'll remodify it the next time around.

    Jtsisyoda gave me a warning about a post I made in reply to Chaunk. I just said "Nice analysis Chaunk, only one who used all the information I posted.". I originally thought he meant that I was on the path to giving too much information away or suggesting strategies the way Googlie did. However, I realised that what Jtsisyoda meant was I was unwittingly putting my backing behind Chaunk and giving Chaunk an unfair advantage in getting people to listen to his ideas.

    So the two things I need to remember are not to unwittingly put my weight behind strategy discussions by praising people. Also not to give out strategy advice.

    Chaunk leaked information about the HoF PBEM in the morgan offsite forum. Heh, I always get a kick when other players do that. I wrote a little post teasing him about it.

    I read a thread in the offsite morgan forum, the majority of the players actually want to move back to apolyton. What is stopping them is they have to copy all the threads over again. I'm considering helping them with that so that they'll use the apolyton forum, but first I need to make sure I have the time. I probably wouldn't do it unless they abandon their offsite forum. Having all the ACDGIII forums at apolyton means less effort on my part reading all the posts.

    I still need to badger for offsite private forum access from Data Angels and Gaians. I found the Data Angel's private forum in Enigma's intro thread, just need to get authorised.

    Was kindof annoyed at Enigma remaking my introduction again and putting that in as part of the data angels intro. I don't think anyone really likes the shorthand that he's using.

    I tested the forum bug and it's been fixed, so I think this forum is completely safe to post passwords and such. I updated the notepad with the passwords of the game and forums that I'm aware of.

    Also forgot to mention that attachments in private forums have been fixed too. I emailed MarkG about that yesterday at Googlie's request.

    I better sign out, still need to do the prologue sometime.... hrmmm....
    Last edited by Kody; June 28, 2004, 02:16.

  • #2
    Date: Tuesday 29 June 2004
    Turn: MY2101 - Gaians

    Gaians still holding the turn. The other teams are getting restless. Oh well not much I can do.

    In other interesting news I finished updating the introduction thread. Also I managed to fix Archiac's internet problem.

    Archiac's internet problem was what was keeping the Morgan team from using the apolyton forums. Hopefully they'll be more likely to move house to apolyton.

    ...... Sleeping.....

    The morgan team noticed that only 100ECs is the starting money rather than 110ECs which what it should be. They decided not to agrue.

    It seems that Morgan is moving afterall, and I was just in the process of writing an interesting newstory about them not moving. Oh well.

    I gave the teams the starting techs to help with their mod3 planning.

    Gaians have a turnplayer and a backup turnplayer so the game looks like it's going to roll just fine now.

    There is some interest in early roleplay. I think I may have misjudged the need to wait a few turns before starting the roleplay. I've got titles from most of the factions my current full title is.

    "The Senior Consultant on Universe Mechanics of Morgan Industries, Minister in charge of making sure the pins stay in the right spots on the War Map for the Spartans, Joint Peanut publisher for the Data Angels, Senior Nudist Runner Through Trees and Executive Preserve of Rosbuds of the Gaians, Janitor of Honghu's Washroom, and Narrator of the ACDGIII".

    So far only Morgan has formally put me in their job list, I'm hoping to get my name in the rest of the faction job lists.

    I was reading the old ACDGII Drone Forum threads earlier today as Buster has finally opened the CGN forums. I love jtsisyoda's comment about the Hive "They are like cute, floppy-eared puppies with all their spam".

    Final note, I'm glad honghu is becoming active in the ACDG again.
    Last edited by Kody; June 29, 2004, 13:33.


    • #3
      Date: Wednesday 30 June 2004
      Turn: MY2101 - Gaians

      Still the Gaians turn.

      Darsnan asked if I could keep a record of strategy comments on the Gaians as I go along. I probably would agree, but I think it would seriously affect the time I can spent on roleplaying issues. Drogue or Method or Buster are the ones who should be doing that kind of stuff as they're mods.

      Me and Method are having the little title war, I wonder how long our titles will get. I hope the teams add all our titles onto their position descriptions. So far only Morgan has put mine into their official job list. The other teams don't have job lists. Actually maybe I'll write a job list for the CMNs. By the way I've decided for roleplay issues CMN stands for Cloistered Moon Nation.

      Now currently starting the first newspaper for the CMNs. I've got the layout and ideas for a few articles will put it together soonish. I hope.

      Morgan team asked for the 10 ECs they're missing afterall. I think they're actually more interested in the mod3 tech change. Not that I think that changing it would be valid. Anyway seems like I'll be adding the 10 ECs as soon as I get the scenerio.
      Last edited by Kody; July 3, 2004, 19:58.


      • #4
        Date: Thursday 1 July 2004
        Turn: MY2101 - Data Angels

        The day started out pretty good I got the edited turn out with the extra 10 ECs, and Drogue played it and didn't report any problems.

        I then spent most of the rest of the day making the CMNs newspaper "Pholus Lunar Newscast", great success. There was a hiccup with the pictures I had attached as they were still in the private forum. I simply moved the entire "Pholus Lunar Storage Yard" out into the private forum and they worked. Obstructor picked it up thankfully, it also affected the AC introduction so I was glad Obstructor pointed it out. I think I owe him one, maybe help him write some roleplay later. Obstructor was jealous of the newspaper though.

        I submitted a news-item on the first CMN newspaper and MarkG used it for SMAC news and gave me the comment that it was pretty good. Although next time I should have provided the link for the newspaper as part of the article rather than linking the newspaper. Pretty happy about the fact MarkG was impressed though.

        Then I did a little cleaning of the CMNs private forum and checked over threads. Apparently I'm now one of the top 10 spammers according to the apolyton community. I decided with all those spammers there they would make good recuits for the spamfest at the ACDG, so I left an recuitment post in there. Oh yeah I also cut down on posting so I would get emperor when I posted that newspaper. So now I'm emperor.

        It came to my awareness today that Enigma was cheating in the game I setup called Bear Baiting, he had used the reload bug to kill 32 mindworms. *shakes head*. I had a long talk to him and finally got him to agree to clean up his act. For a long time I've known and many other vets have known Enigma has been cheating in several of his games. There's been a cone of silence, and I finally convinced Enigma that other people know, but aren't doing anything because they're hoping he'll change his ways. He originally thought that everyone was stupid enough to believe the "great luck" story.

        So anyway I as I was checking over threads I came across the thread where Drogue was asking me to check over the turn he had done. So I downloaded it intending to go to the Gaians turn to see if Drogue had done the moves right, I didn't really expect any problems. As I was passing by the Morganites, I realised that the Morganites only had 100ECs. That's when I went back and checked my saves and realised that I had sent the wrong file. I found the correct file in my trash though.

        With this new information in mind I went to the data angels forum to see how difficult it would be to replay their moves. That's when I got a shock and decided to leave things up to Drogue. I made a post in the CMN News stating the reasons why I didn't want to do the turn.

        Unfortunately for Enigma used the reload trick in the ACDG, grr I had warned him against that, but looking at the post times I had been talking to him after he had played the ACDG turn. He's so obvious and he thinks that he isn't because he's gotten away with it continously until now.

        There's not much I can do for him. He got himself into this mess and he's gotten deep enough that I'm unwilling to help him too.

        Honghu, saw what had happened and went into crusade mode. Gosh I would hate to be on the receiving end of that. Anyway looks like she's lobbying for a restart. Lots of PMs flying arond right now.

        She said "I can't believe nobody saw this coming"..... *shakes head*, it was coming since a long time ago.

        I've ducked out of all the nastiness, I asked for narrator role and that's what I'm going to be strictly doing for the near future.

        Stuff that I'm hoping to do is compile a listing of post count and thread views. I think there's alot of potential in showing the thread view versus the post count. I pulled a old script I posted earlier that will help me compile all the postcount data of the private forums. It'll be fun posting that, anyway that's for tomorrow.

        3am here, I think I'll sleep now.

        Didn't sleep I had a lot of fun watching Obstructor play around with html tags in the newspaper he worked on. I was kindof heckling him about it. He edited my post, then honghu came along too. Next thing I saw was our posts (both honghu and mine) merged into the spam thread Obstructor's been keeping.
        Last edited by Kody; July 3, 2004, 19:59.


        • #5
          Date: Friday 2 July 2004
          Turn: MY2101 - Data Angels-restart

          Submitted a news article to Obstructor as sort of an apology and thanks, article about sporelaunchers are good pets.

          I also posted post count stats, which I compiled using the script at the end of this post. Looks like the CMNs favour the Spartans and the Gaians, which conicidently have a lower view per post ratio that I believe indicates amount of spam.

          Commented on Googlie's new Spartan webpage. Seems to be what is keeping him busy right now.

          Looks like the Data Angels will have to restart, and due to lack of evidence no cheating charges are going to be laid. It seems that the other factions aren't aware what happened and I hope it stays that way. If other factions finds out cheating will be more likely.

          The old problems seem to be starting again as I believed they would, I've decided to start distancing myself early from any game decisions. Someone needs to play the changes with the restart. I could do it fairly quickly, but I'm too busy wading out of what looks like will be a new swamp.

          It looks like activity is really suffering now. The efforts I've made with trying to keep the game alive with all the delays with the first turn have mostly worn off. Should I intervene and try and speed things along? I feel kindof worn out right now so I probably won't, haven't been sleeping enough. Maybe tomorrow I'll nudge things along.

          echo Opening File $1 and sorting.
          sort $1 | \
                  awk 'BEGIN{ \
                          previousname=""; \
                          postcount=0 \
                  { \
                          for (i=2;i < NF;i++){ \
                          name=name" "$i;\
                          if (match(name,previousname)) \
                          else if (postcount > 0) \
                          { \
                                  print postcount "\t" previousname;\
                                  postcount=$NF; \
                          } \
                          previousname=name \
                  } \
                  END{ \
                          print postcount "\t" previousname;\
                  }' \
              | \
              sort -rg \
              | \
              awk 'BEGIN{total=0}\
                  { \
                  for (i=3;i <= NF;i++){ \
                    name=name" "$i;\
                  spacing=" ";\
                  for (count=length(name);count<=20;count++) \
                          spacing=spacing" ";\
                  print name spacing $1;\
                  END{print "\nTotal Posts:          " total}'
          Last edited by Kody; July 3, 2004, 20:00.


          • #6
            Date: 3 July 2004
            Turn: MY2102 - Data Angels

            Was working on the newspaper today mostly planning to start the other roleplay events. Honghu helped me with a few articles, and that poem that I really don't understand at all.

            WIA broke into our forum, I think obstructor and other people are unable to get in though, it's got something to do with the apolyton-plus scripts I think.
            Last edited by Kody; July 3, 2004, 19:57.


            • #7
              Date: 5 July 2004
              Turn: MY2103 - Gaians Turn

              Finally it seems that the turns are starting to gain some kind of a rhythm so hopefully there won't be any more serious delays.

              Yesterday I was a bit too tried so I went to sleep without writing anything in this journal. I have the feeling I've overcommitted myself again. So maybe I'll start restricting the threads that I'm looking at. Eg. I’ll be mainly just keeping track of the roleplay issues I’m in charge of. I hope Drogue will be able to pick up any problems with the gameplay.

              I got the 2nd issue of the newspaper out yesterday and people seemed to have enjoyed it. I also announced debating and interfactional IC story and asked for participants. So far only the Spartans have expressed interest in the interfactional IC story and debating.

              Big_canuck has joined Gaians if he's active and as good as Googlie says then Gaians stand a good chance of holding their own against the other teams.

              It seems a decision has been made on the Enigma issue by Drogue. Honghu I think wants a decision to be made on the bear baiting PBEM.

              Today I asked one of my friends who basically runs all the networking and computers in my department to block apolyton. He agreed when I explained that I needed to be blocked because I was wasting too much time when I was supposed to be working.


              • #8
                Date: 6 July 2004
                Turn: MY2103 - Spartans

                Jtsisyoda called me Ender today, it was scary because I have a feeling he's right. Not the part about how Ender never loses a battle, but the other parts.

                He also called Enigma, Peter Wiggin. I hope so because then there's hope for Enigma, if Enigma truely mirrors Peter.

                It won't be here that Enigma finally balances his personality, Honghu's started it and I'm now bound to finish it. It leaves an empty feeling inside me as I see the possible outcomes. This will be the first time that someone has a real reason to hate me. Enigma doesn't see yet, he thinks he knows me and that I'll never reveal what he's been doing.

                I think the sick feeling is because I believe I'm might be doing more harm than good. I don't know why I always let myself be bound to other people's choices. I take the consequences just the same as if they were my own and sometimes I think other people don't see all the consequences.

                Black and white... the world isn't that way and righteous fury is just a sham. I wish I was still naive and believed in such things.


                • #9
                  Date: 8 July 2004
                  Turn: MY2104 - Morgans

                  Well things pretty much turned out like I thought they would.

                  Enigma is pretty much getting kicked out of the ACDG and his PBEMs. I didn't lie to Enigma like he thinks, I believed what I said at the time. I did however break my trust with him and my promise.

                  There's a rift growing between me and the other players. I know I didn't handle the situation the way I should have. I could have lied and pretended that I was simply looking for concrete evidence, rather than not wanting to make the decisions that were required of me. I knew I had that choice, but didn't take it. I also widened that rift by speaking for Enigma, but it was the right thing to do.

                  I'm sure I'm not Ender now as I was so worried about earlier. When it came time for the kill I didn't make it. It leaves me open now to retaliation now, but I'll live. Enigma has not forgiven me even though we talked politely, I see the slight jabs he's making designed to undermine other people's opinions of me. He's waiting for the right time as Geomodder while meaning well, reminded him that he was unable to directly attack me just yet. One thing I do know about politics is that you don't need proof to destroy someone. Enigma has shown he's learnt enough of what Honghu and I have taught him about human interaction and I fully expect to be brought down eventually if he stays and I stay. I'm not going to make peace with him, because the only way I think I can regain his friendship is by being clever about it. I don't want to manipulate him until he forgives me, I prefer to live with past ills than make new ones.

                  I left a message, some advice for Honghu, hopefully she'll come to her senses. The tactics she used for Jamski will not work for Enigma. Jamski had a good heart people knew that. Enigma heart is tarnished and people also know that. When she tells people to look deep in their hearts, she is also telling people to look deep into the heart of the person she is defending. That's why it worked for Jamski and it won't work for Enigma.

                  Consequences, of this decision... I wonder what would have happened if I had taken the other path.

                  I think that I might not be as active anymore. I don't really want to announce it, as when I drift away from something I usually come back with decreasing frequently over time.

                  What I feel I'm missing is the friendship bonds that originally drew me to this place and kept me here. It's because my real life friend Vev who got me here has moved on. Jamski, Rokossovky, Voltaire, and Tassadar people I considered friends have drifted away either from the game or from me. Enigma I also considered one of my friends I've pretty much alienated. Honghu I think is mad at me and I'm partly mad at her now.

                  Also I've felt that my actions have alienated myself from other players. Things like being the narrator and not being able to talk as much, some of the cheating issues from the ACDGII, the fact I'm fanatical about doing things well means people are less likely to pick me as a friend, also because I knew about Enigma's cheating and kept a lid on it for a long time people won't want me to CMN, and finally the fact that I'm able to bypass passwords, something only Googlie knew about before (I was getting advice from him while I was developing Codicil) means PBEMs are mostly out of the question too.

                  Alot of these reasons were why I was drifting away before the ACDGIII started, but Honghu and I forged a fairly strong friendship, which was what was mainly keeping me here.

                  I suppose I could go looking for new close friends around here, but I'm hoping to find somewhere where tempers aren't always so close to boiling point. Also somewhere where I don't have the weird reputation... don't know what to call it.

                  I'll probably come back now and again when I'm lonely.
                  Last edited by Kody; July 8, 2004, 07:52.


                  • #10
                    I am so mad at Honghu and she is mad at me.

                    She thinks that everything that has happened is because of some stupid competition. She thinks that I destroyed Enigma and myself just to prove myself right.

                    I'm mad at her because she was so mad at Enigma that she pushed me to kick Enigma down. Then realising what she had done does an 180 degree turn and condemns me for my actions, then tries covering her guilt by being a martyr for Enigma's cause.

                    I'm mad because she is blind and refuses to see anything but a happy ending at the end of the path she had chosen, and I'm mad at her for blaming me that we didn't end up at her happy ending. There wasn't any happy ending I could see, just what I thought was a better ending for most of the players which is what I decided to choose in the end.

                    She says that I'm playing god. When I'm mad at her, believing that she was the one playing god. I said what the options were and that I didn't want to get involved she forced my involvement and afterwards tells me I was playing God. Then she runs to Enigma and starts telling him what to do, while blackmailing everyone else about her leaving.

                    She complains about me talking about my predictions and trying to make myself bigger. When I talk about my predictions they are recriminations directed at her, because I told her exactly what would happen and she was so mad at Enigma that she didn't want to listen.

                    It hurts so much that I lost Honghu and Enigma as my friends.

                    Looking back at the choices I made, I think I was doing the best that I could until after I had exposed Enigma as a cheater.

                    I made the best choices I could then put myself in a trance so I could carry them out. After I exposed Enigma, I broke out of my trance and I let all the guilt and self recrimination set in and that's when I started making a lot of bad decisions. I got mad at Honghu and started trying to lay some of the my guilt at Honghu's feet and this made her start trying to lay some of her guilt at mine.

                    I hate being mad at people and knowing I don't have the right to be mad. It's been a long time since I've been able to be angry at someone and believe I'm right even though I'm wrong. I wish I still had that freedom.

                    Honghu was doing what she always does, following her heart and letting it make the decisions for her. She had her idea of what was the best path to take even though I was certain it led to a messy end. I'm pretty sure she changed her mind on issues halfway through, but people are allowed to do that.

                    Thinking back I think she blamed me for going ahead even though she changed her mind. I was in my trance because I had to do something that would take a long time and would be emotionally traumatic for me. So she was unable to divert me anymore as I was dead to anything except logic until I finished the task.

                    I blamed her for not knowing that I would go above and beyond what was required of me. I always do that with anything I do and I expected her to know that, which was completely unfair. Somehow I expected her to know what the consequences to me would be too. Even though I never told her, I expected her to know that I would be riddled with guilt afterwards and that I had the ability to break into any PBEM so I would do that in the pursuit of doing my task to the best of my ability. Only Googlie knew I was able to use Codicil in such a way. I had expected her to know my fears of people believing that I'm above them, my fear that by exposing Enigma I would get the label of executioner, or put doubts in people’s mind about whether I would use Codicil as a cheat. I expected her to know that I was friends with Enigma, even though I complained about his cheating to her constantly.

                    I expected her to know more about me than my own mother knows.

                    It was wrong of me to accuse Honghu of playing god, of not listening to my advice, which I was so sure was right. Usually it’s always me taking advice from her and I expected that after months of me taking advice from her she would take advice from me. I shouldn’t have lain the blame at her feet, I didn’t listen to my own advice about taking responsibility for your own actions.

                    I purposefully accused her of trying to help Enigma because she felt guilty of her part in this. Maybe I was right that when you do things out of guilt you tend to make bad decisions. I certainly did and so did Honghu, it still wasn’t that right thing to accuse of her as it would make her feel more guilty and further degrade her ability to make decisions.

                    Even though I know I’m wrong I’m still mad at her. Especially for accusing me. At least I know the accusations she’s made are foundless. I think it hurts so much because I thought she understood me and now it's as if she said exactly what she was thinking all along. It's things like this that cause me to hate white lies so much.

                    I think this place is bad for me. I’m always making mistakes, overreacting many times too. I’m always uncertain whether people like me here after all the problems I have caused. Honghu was the main thing keeping me here for the last half a year.


                    • #11
                      What a mess, it seems that Honghu is leaving the ACDG mainly because of me. I can't believe she sent messages to everyone telling them that it is my fault for forcing her to leave the acdg and that I exposed Enigma it because I'm punishing her.

                      At my old internet haunts and in real life I often got told by people they didn't believe I had the ability to hate someone. They were wrong ofcourse, sometimes I did but I usually forgave people fast enough that they didn't notice I was angry in the first place. How else did everyone think I got along with Enigma so easily, I kept forgiving him everytime he made me mad.

                      I'm disappointed in Honghu in thinking I was capable of what she claims.
                      I was just getting over the argument in dealing with Enigma. Now I have to deal with the knowledge that Honghu thinks of me as a power hungry arrogant revengeful *****.

                      I think I've been forever tainted in people's preceptions by my time at the Hive. I hate the kind of qualities that people seem to attribute to me here. The worst part is expectation slowly begets fact as other people will put you in situations that make their beliefs come true. Now I've also got the stigima of an excectutioner. I'm never going to live my past down, and I'm so worried I'm going to actually become what they think of me if I stay here.


                      • #12
                        Well I've decided what to do.

                        I think in another 5 hours I will have finished putting the 2nd argument I just learnt about behind me.

                        I think that I need tell Honghu to always tell me exactly what she is thinking, then we won't have another episode like recently. Enigma told me exactly what he thought of me all the time and I was able to deal with that, actually I loved knowing exactly where I stood, even though it was 95% criticism, which is why I ended up friends with him.

                        I think the main problem that’s always been hanging over my friendship with Honghu. She always believed I was interested in power and I always disliked being even associated with power. I guess that’s something we really need to work out.


                        • #13
                          Well I sent my apology and tried to clear up the misunderstanding between Honghu and I. I hope she accepts it.


                          • #14
                            I think Honghu is keeping away from the internet. I haven't had a response from her.

                            It was strange Enigma talking me to about events with his words colored by Honghu prespective. Also I think I know where Honghu got the whole win lose war idea from. Enigma views everything as a battle where there are only winners and losers, it's one of his defining character traits I've noticed.

                            Everyone says that exposing Enigma was the right thing to do with Enigma. I've thought about it and I don't think that's the case. From what I understand Enigma has gone through some very tough times and that's probably where he got his Machiavellian view of the world. Breaking all the bonds between him and the people in this community I think would only reinforce that viewpoint.


                            • #15
                              I think Honghu does not want to talk to me. I guess she really wants to leave this place behind.

                              I said my goodbyes to her whether she listens or not. Perhaps she really hates me still, or like me has decided that she has lingered here too long. I hope she is not bitter about what happened. Sadness fades, but bitterness tends to last a long time and I don't want to be the cause of a scar that never goes away. Hercules told me Honghu needs a way to come back with her pride intact, Drogue seems to think that she wishes to leave. I don't know what is true, but I hope my last message to her made it easier.