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COMRADES!
WE GREET EACH DAY WITH THE TRUTH!
Lenin's Birthday Edition of the Russian Newspaper "Pravda" which means "The Truth"
Welcome comrades to this, the glorious 14th edition of PRAVDA - the official newsletter of the Human Hive. Due to Comrade Jamski's laziness and Comrade Kody's hard work, Comrade Octavian X takes over publishing duties
In This Issue :
- Comrade Vev on Time Travel
- The UN Titanic coming to hologram theatres everywhere
- Article-less Headlines Plauge Pravda
- A Cartoon by Comrade Schultz
- Hive Numbers Swell
- Office of Spam Formed
- Advertisement: Hire Talented Hive Writers
- A History of Hello
- Fountain of Youth discovered
- Headline-less Articles Plauge Pravada
- Will this list ever end?
- A Tour of The Hive
- The Jamski Ceiling
- A Glourious New Banner!
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The Nature of Time Travel... Gravitational Slingshot
As Academician Prokhor Zakharov mentioned
Time travel in the classic sense has no place in rational theory [1]
Popular theories of time-travel have been debunked and lambasted by cynical sceptics. They are either deemed to be impossible, impractical or just plain silly. Take for instance, performing a high speed sling-shot around gravity well such as a star. Currently no faction has access to a space faring vessel and the one they were onboard crashed somewhere onto the surface planet. This makes things very tricky, indeed. Although Hive administration and bureaucracy have at time been accused of being very dense where any unfortunate paperwork that comes within contact is hopelessly trapped never to see daylight again. Initial trials have been put forward to conduct tests by launching applications forms from a shock tunnel, although the results were disappointing.
[1] Academician Prokhor Zakharov, "For I Have Tasted The Fruit"
Submitted by Comrade Vev
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Coming Attractions: The UN Titanic
Coming Soon!
The long awaited blockbuster movie starring Captain Garland, Pravin Lal, Nwabudike Morgan, Corazon Santiago and Deidre Skye that is based on classic real-life love story "UN Titanic" opens this summer. Critics have sent rave reviews and everyone in the Hive agrees.
Pravda: "This movie will sweep up the Centauri Academy Awards"
Perestroika: "Take that Leonardo DeCaprio"
Mary Sue, 9: "I like the violence and how Lal died like a [CENSORED]"
John Citizen: "I would like to thank god, my parents and everyone for this wonderful trophy."
Freddy: "Thanks for the cash, I'm off"
Submitted by Comrade Vev
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PRAVA Publishes Headlines Without Articles
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A cartoon by Comrade Schultz (as editted by Comrade Kody)
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Hive Numbers Swell
The Hive experienced a recent upsurge in numbers. Although officials are still counting
Submitted by Comrade Vev
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Office of Spam formed
New office promised spam, custom avatars
In a suprise move, higher among equals at The Hive have announced the creation of a new office, the Office of Spam.
The office was created as a response to the sagging amounts of spam created by Hivians.
The goals of the new office are many. Their main goal is to combat SASS by creating opertunities for Hivians to post as much spam as possibile. The new office is organizing a corp of volunteers to help meet daily spam quotas, which are expected to increase with the new office. Lastly, they promise custom avatars for all Hivians.
This would normally be the part of the story where we mention dissenting opinions. However, because forms to the Ministry of Information and Sen. Hillary Clinton were not processed in time, or were mistrepreted, or lost.
In a related story, contrary to popular belief, The Hive has not declared a vendetta against France.
Submitted by Comrade Octavian X
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Get talented Hive writers to work for you today!
The Hive desperately short on energy is now contracting out it's talented writers for only 1 EC per article. Get any article written for your failing newspaper for only 1 EC today! Buy five articles and you get one article absolutely free!
With your 1 EC you get one writer, a nervestapler and a reprogramming headset. You then decide the political view that the writer will have and just reprogram the writer to reflect the article you want. After you are done return the writer to the hive and he will be reprogrammed back to a normal hive citizen.
Hurry! Only limited a number of writers available.
Submitted by Comrade Kody
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A history of the Hive "Hello" thread
On the 13 of June 2003 a bright eyed bushy tailed newbie signed up to apolyton as Kody.
"Announce thyself so I can spam!", declared his friend on MSN.
Badgered by his friend Kody made his first post in the Hive forum.
Kody titled it "Spam thread", and put a direct paste of his friend's desire to spam into the post. Kody then heard a grumble behind him where his friend was sitting and then a rather terse explanation of why that post was inappropriate.
After being berated the post title was changed to hello and the message to.
I was planning on lurking for a while, mainly while I reading all the posts that have already occurred. Also because I didn't want to make a complete fool of myself in my ignorance.
But *censored* badgered me into saying hello.
Kody
But *censored* badgered me into saying hello.
Kody
When the hello thread had reached over 100 posts Jamski started threatening to shoot anyone that continued to post to it. This had the opposite affect that he intended. Posting actually increased as the hive asserted it's god given right to spam. Jamski worked his way up from normal font to size=5 font and bold in his efforts to kill the thread.
For a while after Jamski was captured for his house painting episode the activity in the hello thread died down. Until Googlie decided to post updates of Alinestra Covelia possibly joining the hive. The hello thread had gained a new purpose, a thread to have small talk. Many important issues were discussed in the hello thread such as; Alinestra Covelia joining the hive, getting to emperor, how to play the industry game, singing, dancing, Kody's unusually high movement rate, installing SMAX, editing other people posts wars, and what a large mass of spam the hello thread was.
Rokossovky was able to sum up the contents of the thread in one line.
My God, after finally reading this thread I've found that it REALLY is nothing but complete useless spam amazing insight into SMAX.
- Rokossovky
- Rokossovky
Submitted by Comrade Kody
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Hive Discovers Fountain of Youth
The glorious, intrepid explorers of the Hive have discovered one of humanity's greatest dream, the Fountain of Youth. Legends of this Fountain dates back as far as anyone who wished for everlasting beauty and life. Gold-seeking expeditions in the Americas during the 15th century brought back tales of people who had found the legendary fountain of youth. Well now, the Hive has the real deal no longer shall anyone suffer under the cruel destiny of sagging skin and ailing health.
Currently Hive scientists are conducting experiments to determine full potential of this amazing resource and understanding how and why it works. Once the research is completed all of Hive will be given the oppotunity to regain their lustrious youth. Already, brave Hive Party members have volunteered to test the fountain to deem whether it is safe for public use. Godspeed PAC members and and may Googliegod preserve you.
Rumors that this fountain is a diversion to cover up the fact that the Hive is developing PlanetSpammer is completely false.
Submitted by Comrade Vev
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In completely unrelated news, PRAVDA has begun publishing articles without headlines. No one anywhere could be reached for comment.
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ANCIENT DOCUMENTS RECOVERED! MANIFEST DESTINY OF THE HUMAN HIVE BECOMES CLEAR!
Miners working under the direction of Comrade Haon, on a patch of land near [CENSORED] base, have uncovered a document of great significance, an origianl leather bound copy, of "Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-Tung", the famous Little Red Book! A First Edition English version from 1966!
This ancient text is believed to have been on board the Unity, and that it somehow survived the break up of the craft! Its in near perfect condition, and will placed in The Hive's historical vault for the safety of the book.
This is seen as a GLORIOUS omen for The Hive. Said one woker:
For this book to land in Hive territory, it cant be coincidence! This is truly a sign of Communism and a sign of Googlie God! Any such an omnipitent being can ensure the bok would end up in our territory, Googlie must be a Communist!
Submitted by Comrade Hoan
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Tour of a Hive City: Central Shaft and Graveyard
The caverns of the Hive is an interesting place to explore. Of note, is the central shaft that is the main channel to transport in or out bulky material manufactured within the bowels of the city. While the central shaft poses a security risk, the Hive have taken all steps to ensure that the structural integrity are uncompromised and its defensive capabilities formidable. High grade plasteel will seal the entry bay and various section of the central shaft within a minute. But during times of peace, various crops, ore and other raw materials are crawled in by huge vehicles unloading their cargo to be processed by the diligent hive workers. At times of war, ranks of rovers and hovertanks can be quickly assembled and delivered via the central shaft.
There are many other smaller entry points and ventilation vents found throughout the vast subterranean metropolis. While not as grand as the central shaft, the role they serve is just as important and security is just as stringent. The smaller access points help distribute the traffic load coming in and out of the city and also provide convenient local access (or exits) for workers tilling the land above or scouts to quickly deploy and combat the ever-present mindworms. Some of the access points are well hidden for reasons relating to security matters.
Graveyard
I have discovered the Hive does not have any graveyards.
[See: Recycling Tanks]
From Kostya's: I have lived in the Hive and survived to tell the tale
Submitted by Comrade Vev
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The Painting of the Jamski Ceiling
Built between 1805 and 1813, in the time of Napoleon I of France, the Jamski Residence is rectangular in shape and measures 20.93 meters long by 11.41 meters wide. It is 10.70 meters high and is roofed by a flattened barrel vault, with little side vaults over the centered windows.
On June 20, 2003, Jamski arrived in Schwabia to appear before Mrs. Jamski. Only 33 at the time, Jamski thought the Mrs. was summoning him to tell him to continue with the packing of the PC, a task which he secretly turned into Poly posting. But the Mrs. didn't want to talk about that project - she had a new one in mind for Jamski - a huge painting for the ceiling of the Jamski Residence.
Then the arguments started. Jamski didn't want the project because he knew it was an impossible task and one that would require him to forgo his true love, Poly posting. Eventually, the Mrs. wore him down and he gave in.
But you have to realize that this was a huge undertaking. The first thing that Jamski had to confront was how to finish the task in the shortest time. The Mrs. brought in the biggest roller one could find in the shop to solve the problem. When Jamski saw it, he was convinced that she was trying to discredit him in the eyes of his fellow Poly posters because he knew that a 18 inch roller gets pretty heavy pretty fast and when his arms started to cramp up he would not be posting effectively. So Jamski put down the Mrs.’ huge roller and made plans for his own. Finally, Jamski was ready to paint.
But it wasn't going to be so easy. Jamski decided to paint the ceiling white since it was white previously. He continued to work on the ceiling with only himself as the worker to carry materials and equipment up the ladders. He had one more major set back before the work would progress. The first section he completed did not pass the Mrs.‘ inspection from the floor below. He had forgotten that the Mrs. had a sharp vision even from a distance of fifteen feet. So Jamski had to start again. Then our deputy chairman got into the everyday routine that would proceed for the next forty days.
-Each morning, Jamski would take out the paint, adding the appropriate amount of water, then stir really well.
-Next, the ladder was secured in place and roller was grasped tightly in hand.
-Before the paint started to drip, Jamski would climb up the ladder and apply the white color to the ceiling. The area would then be repainted to meet the Mrs.’ inspection.
The ceiling of Jamski Residence was expected to be unveiled on July 30, 2003, and the whole world would come running to see what Jamski had done; and certainly it was such to make everyone speechless with astonishment. Just as you are now.
Michelangelo Paints the Ceiling
(translated from the Italian)
A goiter it seems I got from this backward craning
like the cats get there in Lombardy, or wherever
--bad water, they say, from lapping their fetid river.
My belly, tugged under my chin, 's all out of whack.
Beard points like a finger at heaven. Near the back
of my neck, skull scrapes where a hunchback's hump would be.
I'm pigeon-breasted, a harpy! Face dribbled--see?--
like a Byzantine floor, mosaic. From all this straining
my guts and my hambones tangle, pretty near.
Thank God I can swivel my buttocks round for ballast.
Feet are out of sight; they just scuffle round, erratic.
Up front my hide's tight elastic; in the rear
it's slack and droopy, except where crimps have callused.
I'm bent like a bow, half-round, type Asiatic.
Not odd that what's on my mind,
when expressed, comes out weird, jumbled. Don't berate;
no gun with its barrel screwy can shoot straight.
Giovanni, come agitate
for my pride, my poor dead art! I don't belong!
Who's a painter? Me? No way! They've got me wrong.
~John Frederick Nims
Submitted by Comrade HongHu
This Glourious Edition of Pravda will be continued in the next post. All hail the Human Hive!