WE GREET EACH DAY WITH THE TRUTH!
Lenin's Birthday Edition of the Russian Newspaper "Pravda" which means "The Truth"
Welcome comrades to the sixth special edition of PRAVDA - the offical newsletter of the Human Hive. After the terrible events reported in the last PRAVDA it has been hard times in the Hive, but now finally we can share more glorious joy with the world. All hail to the glorious Chairman Voltaire and the members of the Peoples' advisory council!
In This Issue :
- New Hive Constitution Proposed !
- Getting growth rates up - how YOU can help !
- Public Safety Announcement No2!
- Hive Technology Report
- What's on where - Hive entertainment!
- Public Safety Announcement No3!
- All the news you'll ever need !
Chairman Voltaire is a true Democrat!
In a bold move to democratic reform, glorious Chairman Voltaire has revealed his draft plans for a new constitition
in a desperate attempt to increase his popularity among the droneswhich will grant new permanant freedoms of speech and assembly to the people, and also define the roles and positions of the Party that so faithfully supports its glorious Chairman. It is unknown at this point if the constitution will be accepted, but PRAVDA has an inside tip that it will recieve at least 105.7% of the popular vote. More on the constitution in the next issue of PRAVDA as the details are finalised
Chairman Decrees More Births Requried After Tragedy
From a speech given by Chairman Voltaire shortly after the loss of the brave colonists :
To which glorious Comrade HongHu (speaking to the Mothers' Union) replied :[This is] ...the Hive's new 10 child policy... you must have 10 children or else.
The next day, addressing a group of latex product workers that had beenAnd they have to be twins or triplets.
permanantlyreassigned to work in the recycling tanks, Comrade Vev is recorded as saying :
He was laterSince most of us are males, we cannot begin to think of the joy of going through that...
nervestapled into unconciousness by HongHuwarned that his remarks could be ambiugious.
PRAVDA is grateful as always for these insights into the everyday life of the Deputies of the People's Advisory Council.
Comrade Gnool Gets Birthrates Soaring
Know Your Mindworms
Due to the recent tradegy of our selfless, brave, glorious comrades, the Hive Government will provide information about the dangers of mindworms. The sacrifices of our
undesirable dissidents used as test subjectsfallen comrades are not in vain as now we know how to conquer these mindworms.
Mindworms are the evil spawn of the planet who wish to see our downfall. They employ cowardly mind attacks hoping to seek to paralysis us. But through our glorious willpower and strength of mind, we shall prevail and cook these foul abominations.
A boil can be spotted by a giant rolling mass of pink wriggling worms. When they come, stand your ground and do not fear them, for they shall weed out the weak minded fools
and meanwhile the party shall evacuate using you as a buffer. Their attacks will be persistent, but resist against their corrupting influence and strike back with glorious fury.
Asides from that, they are totally safe and nothing to worry about
unless they are used on you for interrogation practices.
Socialist Utopia One Step Closer Thanks To Our Glorious Environmental Developments
The Ministry of Information today announced today that the "People of the Human Hive are one step closer to the glorious proletariat paradise Marx envisioned centuries ago thanks to the thankless work of our hard working scientists." After nearly a decade of studying our new home, the glorious Hive think-tank has published details of new knowledge and technologies that is simply being called Centauri Ecology. "This wonderious new knowledge will allow us to resculpt the environment as we see fit" said the coordinator of the Centauri Ecology team, Bob Brown. "With oxygen being produced by expansive lush forests, increased productivity in the bases from mines, with energy harnessed from the sun via solar panels and with food for the people being grown on farms (collective, of course), the Hive will be a Marxist utopia before you know it".
The first application of this knowledge, a massive self-contained machine called a terraformer, has already been built and is laying the foundations of a socialist utopia as I write. A second terraformer is currently under production. It is not yet known what effect terraforming will have on the dastardly capitalist mindworms that slaughtered Hive colonists a few years ago.
Comrade Gnool Helps The Hive Scientists
To follow up the glorious musical success that was the Rage Against the Chagrin concert, The Hive (the base) will host the People's Metalfest, featuring many of Planet's greatest ever death metal, grindcore, black metal (and associated genres) bands, including Mindworm Maggotfest, Banal Crunch, Grotesque Fungal Regurgitation, Impaled Northern Pholousforest, Eudamoniac, Planetcarcass and many others. If you like metal, you'll probably want to be there!
There will be a charity ball to help the families of those people killed by the evil capitalist mindworms during our glorious attempted expansion in the month of Gloriousworkerssovietutopia. Enjoy uplifting tunes that remind us all of important historical events, such as the Russian Revolution, our glorious landing on planet, and the birth of Sheng-Ji Yang. You will attend this ball instead of going to work one day and the money we're not paying you will go to the families.
The glorious installing of our first Network Node has led to the establishment of the first holovision and fibre-optic Radio stations on planet, as well as PlaNet (our hively* new name for the internet)!! Be one of the first to experience
state propagandathis exciting new entertainment/communications technology and work really hard! (Everyone will have this glorious technology in their homes one day, free, courtesy of the glorious Hive government)
***Announcement from the Commissioner of Public Safety***
Comrades, your appointed Commissioner Frankychan has announced that new measures have been enacted to protect all Hive citizens from outside influences. The new policies for Public Safety are listed below:
1.All non-essential lights must be turned off by the designated curfew time. The government needs the additional power for use in industrial manufacturing.
2.Police forces will double their patrols of Hiverian territories to prevent harm to our glorious comrades.
3.New covert measures have been put in place to protect our glorious cities from outside, and potentially harmful, influence. Due to the nature of these measures, they will not be disclosed.
The Commissioner wishes all Hive citizens a glorious day.
Glory to the Hive!
From the Ministry Of Peace:
Top Ten Reasons for Joining the Revolutionary Army of the Socialist People of the Human Hive. The surprising results of a new poll from the Ministry of Peace.
10. Because PRAVDA says I should
9. Because women like men in uniforms
8. Because men like men in uniforms
7. Because I get to blow "stuff" up
6. Because the recruitment video had a good theme song
5. Some vague reference to honour and glory, usually quickly followed by responses 8 or 9 (or both)
4. Because the Glorious Comrade Chairman Voltaire, who is like a father to our faction, and we ALL respect our fathers, don't we, says I should
3. Because my other option was "cleaning" the recycling tanks
2. It gets me away from the wife
Because if I don't Comrade Marshal Rokossovky's cronies will nerve staple my family, friends, pets, teachers and pretty much anyone who has ever seen, heard, or thought of me.Er, I mean...
Everything is Normal, There is Nothing to Worry About
The Party has denied any instances of security breaches in the Hive. "There have been no breaches in security in the Hive. All spies and traitors have been caught and processed," said the spokesman of the Hive Security. "These rumors by rival factions are all lies and, there is no substance behind them." Pravda would like to recall previous incidents of false rumors such as the infamous chairman's personal themepark and the chairman's luxury yatch with onboard casino.
The Commission of Hive Security recommends the citizen to follow these instructions:
1. Believe in the Pravda
2. Do not believe the lies of other factions
3. Report rumor spreaders to the state police
Failure to comply will result in an free holiday
to the recycling tanks.
In other news :
- Secret and illegal contact with other factions reveals that they too are bothered by the idea of spies and infilterators.
- More possible spies were shot, as many as possible actually.
- The people love Chairman Voltaire even more than ever. Latest polls show an incredable197% support for the Chairman.
- Final proof that nervestapling has no harmful effects is provided by this cartoon drawn by Comrade Vev after his reeducation :
Onwards Comrades - the Future of Humanity lies in Cooperation, Brotherhood and Industry - Continue to Work for the Glory of the Human Hive
Editorial Deputy to the PAC - Comrade Jamski