I don't want to jizz on this planet anymore.

[loinburger]

Obviously some cork would do the trick, but given that my nutsack has a finite volume I figured it was only a matter of time until I regretted my decision. A better long-term solution has been to replace my vas deferens with a tiny wormhole that teleports my ejaculate somewhere off-planet, though the trick was to ensure that the wormhole terminated in someplace sufficiently hostile to life (e.g. the supermassive black hole in the center of the galaxy) because otherwise we might eventually be attacked by an army of haploid loinburgers.

[pchang]

Barbarella

[giblets]

God smote someone for jizzing on the earth, which is why Henry VIII masturbated into a container.

[loinburger]

And then he had her executed

[Lorizael]

Obviously some cork would do the trick, but given that my nutsack has a finite volume I figured it was only a matter of time until I regretted my decision. A better long-term solution has been to replace my vas deferens with a tiny wormhole that teleports my ejaculate somewhere off-planet, though the trick was to ensure that the wormhole terminated in someplace sufficiently hostile to life (e.g. the supermassive black hole in the center of the galaxy) because otherwise we might eventually be attacked by an army of haploid loinburgers.

Smells like a Star Trek: The Motion Picture porno.

[Thoth]

Obviously some cork would do the trick, but given that my nutsack has a finite volume I figured it was only a matter of time until I regretted my decision. A better long-term solution has been to replace my vas deferens with a tiny wormhole that teleports my ejaculate somewhere off-planet, though the trick was to ensure that the wormhole terminated in someplace sufficiently hostile to life (e.g. the supermassive black hole in the center of the galaxy) because otherwise we might eventually be attacked by an army of haploid loinburgers.

You need a Bag of Holding.

[loinburger]

My schlong wormhole probably counts as a portable hole, and you should never put a portable hole in a bag of holding unless you really hate the DM

[The Mad Monk]

God smote someone for jizzing on the earth, which is why Henry VIII masturbated into a container.

Which brings up another of my religious pet peeves. This is the passage that started all the hullabaloo:

8 Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” 9 But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.

How in blazes does this have anything to do with masturbation?

[Uncle Sparky]

And why does god want men to have sex with their brothers' wives? God is one kinky f*cker.

[Aeson]

Prophet's brother dies, leaves smoking hot widow. End of story.

[The Mad Monk]

It has to do with the law of inheritance, where everyone must have a lineage "Lest their name vanish from the land".

How does this jibe with the matrilineal bloodlines of modern Jews? No frigging clue.

[Kidlicious]

Which brings up another of my religious pet peeves. This is the passage that started all the hullabaloo:



How in blazes does this have anything to do with masturbation?

It's also possible to masturbate without lusting for a woman.

[loinburger]

It's also possible to masturbate without lusting for a woman.

You'd know all about that, wouldn't you? Because you're GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY!!!!!

[OneFootInTheGrave]

[Kidlicious]

You'd know all about that, wouldn't you? Because you're GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY!!!!!

Rah should accuse you of being a horrible homophobe for this but he's too busy puffing himself up somewhere.