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Santiago Claus

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  • Santiago Claus

    The Spartan kids get all the best toys at Christmas.

    Santiago Claus stuffs the stockings of both naughty and nice with the same goodies and treats -- but for the naughty kids, she pulls the pins first.

    All the Gaian boys and girls ever hear is, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid."

    At least the toys Zakharov's little ones get have some Spartan potential -- even a "neutered" chemistry set isn't immune to a little tweaking from certain common household chemicals. And nothing beats gaining the approval of your beaming parents: "My, my, aren't you clever? And what is the Energy of Activation of your little concoction?"

    All Miriam's kids ever get are religious toys -- I mean, how many Nativity Playsets does one child really need to understand the True Meaning of Christmas? There were only supposed to be 3 wise men -- how come by the time Believers graduate junior high they've got at least a dozen?

    Peacekeeper kids get really lame gifts like blankets, which they are expected to donate to charity, and their real gift is supposed to be that warm, fuzzy feeling that comes from doing good deeds. In a pig's eye -- even U.N. kids know when they're getting Scrooged!

    Morgan kids are so spoiled they pout and are never happy with any of their gifts. Their indulging parents only make it worse by taking them back to the store the day after so their kids can pick out what they REALLY wanted ...

    Let's not even talk about the Sheng-Ji Yang "educational" videos and that pull-string doll that says things like, "Embrace the larger self of group!"

    Spartan kids KNOW what they're getting for Christmas -- or at least they know better than to shake the packages before opening!

    What will Santiago Claus be putting under YOUR tree?

    Merry Christmas, and a Spartan New Year! May your Sparta Command be well-stocked for Y2k.

    Vi Vicdi

  • #2
    That was hilarious. Believers with five dozen wisemen. Peacekeeper kids getting screwed. And spoiled Morganic children. Thanks dude !


    • #3
      I feel like i wanted a spartan toy....but no.... nativity scenes every year....urge to kill rising!!


      • #4
        [Beg mode]Please, please, pretty please, do a post for the SMACX factions, oh pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?[/Beg mode]



        • #5
          Santiago Claus promises she'll visit all the boys and girls from all the new factions after the old factions have had time to enjoy their presents ... say, January 3rd? I'm sure she'll be ready by then ...


          • #6
            Fair enough.



            • #7
              so that's why my stocking exploded last year....

              "edgecrusher" Spartan Probe Team 'angelis'

              [This message has been edited by edgecrusher (edited December 23, 1999).]


              • #8
                Hey wouldn't Cybernetic people think it is irrational to give gifts to their children. ?


                • #9
                  Santiago Claus was pleased with the smooth transition into Y2k. It seems she knows how to whip her computer programmers into line. All it takes is a little Christmas Spirit -- and a package that goes "tick-tock" ...

                  Now that The Spartans have emerged from their Y2k Bunkers they can get back to their workshops, churning out toys for all those other factions that have popped up since the vault hatches were dogged.

                  Cybernetic Conciousness: Binary data nodules, with all the pornographic stuff deleted.
                  "Puzzle games" like "Tetris" and "Rubik's Cube" are also a big hit. Parents brag about how well their kids play "Tetris".
                  If a CC kid got a football for Christmas he would stare at it for a few minutes, wondering what it might possibly be used for, then he would meticulously vectorize it so as to search for its shape on the net, then, having discovered the game of "catch", would be repeatedly hit in the head (assuming he could find a Drone or Spartan to throw the ball). After finally catching it he would shrug his shoulders and go back inside.

                  Pirates: Santa Claus never comes because Mommy's always drunk and Daddy's never around and all a kid ever hears from grownups is "beat it, I'm tryin' to play cards here" and someday many years later sitting on the bridge of his Fusion Cruiser hosing down civilians with some kind of accelerated superheated gunk he finds it somehow unrewarding, and under the screams of the dying will whisper forlornly, "Rosebud." (His toy boat, of course ...)

                  Drones: Tough Toy Trucks, Mighty Erector Sets, Thundering Frieght Trains on Blue Steel Rails, Hard-Working Action Figures, Big-Wheeled Tractors, Towering Cranes ... Wow! if you think THAT'S bad, you should see what the BOYS get ...
                  You can tell how old a Droneling is by the size and sophistication of the Clubhouse in the back yard -- and the number of empty beer cans beneath it, which themselves are often built into a pyramid of some sort.

                  Cult of Planet: Fungal blooms and religious literature, which the kids are expected to sell and/or hand out after being dropped off by their church bus in another faction's base. Under the mesmerising stare of those cute red eyes who could resist the plea, "Would you like to buy a fungus bloom? Here, read this pamphlet and Find the Scarlet Way!"
                  These poor little guys are even more pathetic than the PK's, because they're too brainwashed to realize they're getting hosed. The smart ones skim off a little change for themselves.

                  Data Angels: Computer games, which all the kids trade with each other to show off how well they hacked the copy protection. Oddly enough after the protection is hacked the desire to actually play them sort of fades away and they wind up on a shelf somewhere ... except for one "favorite" which the kids will all pile onto, hacking it beyond recognition so as to gain unfair advantage during network play.

                  Progenitors: Don't have Christmas, Chuanukah, Kwanzaa, nada, zip. Face it, when you discipline your offspring by means of the ingenious "Subcutaneous Holistic Umbilical Data Device for Uploading Pain" [SHUDDUP], you don't really have to give the horned brats anything ...
                  "Desired: Gift: Red Ryder BB Gun ... " ** Zzzt! **
                  "Alteration: Means of Acquisition: BB Gun. Decision: Paper Route."

                  Santiago Claus has informed me that she must retire to her secret fortress in the North Pole to prepare for next year. Until then, be good, stay sharp, keep your Rotweiller out of your neighbor's yard, and your neighbor will stay out of yours. Merry Christmas, and a Spartan New Year!


                  • #10
                    **evil grin** heheh... "alteration:means of acqisition..." heheheh...

                    [This message has been edited by edgecrusher (edited January 05, 2000).]


                    • #11
                      Just thought I would bump this cause it was so funny. I encourage any of the new readers to go past the veil of 10 days and explore the outer limits of the fiction forums. You won't be disappointed.
                      Which side are we on? We're on the side of the demons, Chief. We are evil men in the gardens of paradise, sent by the forces of death to spread devastation and destruction wherever we go. I'm surprised you didn't know that. --Saul Tigh


                      • #12
                        Heh heh, I never noticed this one myself, very funny stuff


                        • #13
                          Well, Christmas is over, but this is still one of my favorites BUMP.

                          Season's greetings!
                          -->Visit CGN!
                          -->"Production! More Production! Production creates Wealth! Production creates more Jobs!"-Wendell Willkie -1944