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Culture Shock, World War, and the Case of the Stolen Panties

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  • Absolut_Zero
    that didn't come out quite the way I expected, I won't pre-type it in notepad any more.

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  • Absolut_Zero
    My Fourth Part

    Well, this is obviously my fourth part to the story, I've been a little busy lately(thanks for the bump, Civman), but

    I think this one might be a little funny.

    Montezuma was in his council room, the year 1865, with the Presidents, Lincoln and Miss D' Arc. To recap the previous

    sections, the Americans declared war on the Aztecs upon the accusation of panty-theft, the military advisor said poop (no he

    didn't), I don't care what you say, he said poop (did not. Poop is what he said) Screw you, I don't want to get into this

    again, and Montezuma made his cultural advisor cry (the big meanie) nobody cares what you think (do too) why don't you shut

    up, ya big grasshopping, gas guzzling, masturbatory monkey. (you hurt my feelings), don't care (lalalalala, can't hear you)

    oh shut up (Oh ****lalareedickdedoo to you), what (Oh just shut up), hey, that's my line. (don't care), that's mine too,

    (can't have everthing), wanna bet, (why yes I d... (the sound of gunfire fills the air and the alternate, parethetical voice

    is silenced for good)). (not quite). damn you, die ((he empties the clip into the voice)) that's better (for me) I give up,

    onto the sto... (I win), onto the stor... (now onto the story).

    "Abe, Joan, listen, It's not that I don't want to help, and to fight your war, but you forget, Lincoln had all of my

    panties stolen, and to be quite honest, I don't really want to fight a war." Montezuma glared at Abe with hatred.

    "Listen, Monty.."

    "Don't call me Monty, Joan."

    "Monty, you can't go around pointing you finger at..."

    "This is my Palace, I can do as I please." With this, Montezuma stood up, raised his outstreched index finger and

    repeatadly pointed at Lincoln until interrupted.

    "Montezuma, the American people will destroy you in war, unless you fight with us to gain back the panties."

    "Well, I'm not going to fight with you but.." Abe's face lights with anger as Montezuma said this, "But.. I will give

    you horses as a bri... a token of good faith."

    "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." Abe stated politely.

    "Sir, what are you doing." The trade advisor broke in.

    Montezuma whispered to his disgruntled defacto trader, "I gave him the horses because horses are extremely cheap to


    "Excuse me, but I think Joan makes a valid point, w..."

    "No she doesn't, she makes one hell of a stupid point, the kind of point my invalid mother would make. Whilest she's

    eating rice flour.


    "That wasn't a question."

    "Yes it was."

    "Not at all."

    "Well sort of, in a way."

    "What way."

    "The... uh, erh... uhm, the post modernisticallitisticationallitity kind of way."

    The military advisor now advised, "Sir, I believe we should cooperate with them, their military outweighs us by about

    75,000,000 men.

    Montezuma was intrigued by this, "And just how many men do they have, pray tell."

    "Oh pray, pray." Joan and Abe both stare at each other laughing as they say this.

    "75,000,000 men, to our best estimate sir. That is why I believe we should cooperate."

    "Listen, with your keen ability for conscise and persuasive speechgiving, you've gotten me to believe that the moon

    is made of cheese, your mother-in-law is actually a boyish-manchild of the freaky nature, that thirty-five percent of all

    tables are hermaphradites, and that sun is the moon and that the planet Earth acually orbits a giant head of lettuce, that

    was sneezed out of a forty-two year old man's navel as he was beginning to take off his roman sandals and grateful dead tee

    shirt, but Damn, how in all of holy mother****ing hell do you expect me to believe that, outside this window, their could

    possibly be, (he looks out the window) that b-b-be, uh," he turns to the Presidents, "Let's find us those panties."

    That's all for now, but I should post more later tonight or tommorrow. As always, thanks for reading.
    Last edited by Absolut_Zero; May 25, 2002, 10:50.

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  • GeneralTacticus
    It means that the point of the post is to move the thread up the list, so that people will notice it.

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  • Civ3King
    Umm, Ive been wondering for the longest..what does "bump" meen civman2000?

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  • civman2000

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  • civman2000

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  • Absolut_Zero
    the changes I made should make it a little better

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  • Absolut_Zero
    I would like to personally apologize to all of you for writing the third part, it was a mistake and I feel that I've ruined any enjoyability (is that even a word) my story may have had and filled it with crapulence (don't think that's a word either, but Monty usually knows what he's talking about (I.E. "Wallowing in my own crapulence")). On top of my writings degeneration, I feel I have let down anyone who liked my story and for that I am truly sorry. As for an explanation to my disgusting story, I'm thirteen, and usually I write in an intelligent if not juvenile manner as for my humor, but with this, I seemed to have a lapse into a more childish state, and sincerely thank you for reading and enjoying my story up to that rough part.

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  • Metaliturtle
    Yeah... you kinda did a backslash I think beginning\End. Make it a check mark

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    it was .... the third was a bit too much for me.

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  • civman2000
    i think the first part was the best...

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  • Metaliturtle
    Read metaliturtle goes apesh*t, civman reams me for being pointless and gory

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  • Absolut_Zero
    I know, I'm sorry
    Last edited by Absolut_Zero; May 19, 2002, 10:05.

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  • Metaliturtle
    uhh that was a little too gross

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  • Absolut_Zero
    The panties are gone (oh no)!!!!!

    Here's the third part to my tale of civilizations, it should be hopefully more comedic than the last.

    When we left off, Lincoln and Montezuma were having a hard hitting discussion about the sudden disappearance of panties in their two countries.

    "What do you mean, 'serves you right'."

    "You shouldn't have stolen the sacred American panties, and perhaps your second rate ass-floss would still be in it's rightful, yet extremely smelly place, rather than having the honor to grace our proud nations buttocks."

    "So, you stole our panties, Lincoln"

    "That's about the gist of it."

    "Why, good god man, have you no shame, no dignity, no sense of smell," Montezuma paused for a moment to examine Lincoln, who was strangely squirming as if in hushed urgency. "What's wrong with you," a slight wait, "Praise the gods, they've allowed this man, who claims presidency to be posessed by demons."

    "No, I just really have to take a piss."

    "Damn the gods, guards, have Mr. President here put in a mall uncomfortable box, and do not release him, even under my own command, until the, cows come home."

    "So you want us to lock the president in a box?"Asked a guard.

    "Yes, a small, uncomfortable one," replied Montezuma

    "A small, uncomfortable one."

    "Of course, you imbecile."

    "And we aren't to realease him, until the cows come home."

    "Even under my direct command."

    "Even under your direct command."


    "Even though we have no cows."

    "Yes just take him away."

    "Alright then," The head gaurd glanced at the other palace guards stationed around the room, "You heard him boys, get the president locked up." The guards knowing their commands, proceeded to the throne, removed Montezuma force fully, put him in a small and quite uncomfortable cage.

    "This is utterly ridiculus, I meant Lincoln, not my self."

    The head guard spoke, "We can't release you, you ordered us, now shut up, or we'll have to beat you."

    "I said nothing about beating me in the continuity that I refused to be quiet."

    "So you admit that you meant yourself when you ordered the president to be beaten."

    "I ordered President LINCOLN to be beaten!"

    "Haha, So you did order a beating."

    "Well, no... um, well... maybe... why yes, I guess I did," Montezuma looked crestfallen, "I guess you'll have to beat me then."

    "Alright, you heard hi..."

    "NO, NO, they did not, their was no beating ordered." Just then, Joan D' Arc jumped down from a rafter, and surprisingly, was stark naked.

    Montezuma gasped, "Joan, I, you're alive."

    "Yep, my sister, Joan B' Arc, took a fall for me in that car crash, funny, we have nothing but dirt roads and railroads, yet we still have cars, oh well."

    "Get your hands off of me, you damn dirty apes." The guards released Montezuma and then left the room looking sullen and downcast.

    "What is with those guards, anyway."

    "They must execute themselves for disobeying a direct order."

    "And what was that order?"

    "To beat me."

    Joan suddenly wore a sedductive look upon her face, "That can be arranged, Mr. President."

    Montezuma, restored to his throne, with the help from Joan D' Arc, Finally got his pants off, it turned out, his was wearing Hasibiboricosteriastinancy's pants and they were just quite small, seeing as he was a three-inch midget from Costa Rica (not meant to be insulting, probably isn't funny). When the president went to his closet to change, he discovered the most utterly disturbing thing ever. "MY PANTIESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!"

    "What is it?" Joan looked disgusting as she coughed when saying this, and a small ripple went through her nude body, but the president, being a heathen monkey boy, found this erotic and said..

    "My panties are gone, but it is o..."

    "You (snicker) have (chuckle) p-p-panties," Joan couldn't help but laugh so hard she fell to the floor.

    "Not anymore I don't. I just don't understand wh..."

    Joan who had gotten up now began to prance fancifully around the room and say, "So, you would walk around the palace and be like," Joan began to walk as if she had a rather large bug deposited in a certain nether region and continued, "Oh, (in fake French accent) look at me, I'm Mr. President of the Aztecs, I have panties..."

    "Stop or be executed."

    "...and a bug up my..."

    "Shut up."

    "Bum, I'm so pretty with my silky pink..."

    "Guards, execute the presi.. Excecute Joan."

    That's all for now, but what will the next episode in this exciting series be, panties in the palace, panty raid, or, me myself and my missing panties. tune in next time, kids, same vodka channel, same temperature time. (I'm not sure why, but I just couldn't make this one funny.)
    Last edited by Absolut_Zero; May 19, 2002, 09:06.

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