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Culture Shock, World War, and the Case of the Stolen Panties

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  • Metaliturtle
    Still fairly funny keep em coming

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  • Absolut_Zero
    Thanks for the compliments, and Metaliturtle, if it's panties you want, it's panties you shall have (snicker, snicker, snicker).
    Alright, here's the next part, I hope it's better.

    The year, 1862, the place, Tenochtitlan, capital city of the Aztecs, the smell, vaguely cheese with a hint of garlic. Montezuma was bathing with his citizens as he occasionally did, mostly because he accidentally superglued his pants to his, self, so to speak (lucky he chose not to wear that thong today). It was a sunny year, when the Americans approached the city, and all of the citizens fleed the bath, trampling their president, and breaking a rather nice barracks while going into civil disorder. Montezuma, in a rather craptastical mood, decided to enter his palace, and upon his arrival, found all of his advisors in a rather annoying circle, with quite annoying looks on their faces.

    "We need more money for research," cried the Science Advisor

    "We should build cathedrals, and watch the people flock to our cities!" exclaimed the Cultural Advisor.

    "We need a viable trade route to the American capital of Washington," the Trade Advisor calmly stated.

    "Yeah, and I need sweet lovin', but that just ain't gonna happen." Montezuma looked puzzelled as he said this, "since when did I use slang," he added as an after thought, muster the military, we must retaliate against the Americans."

    A small boy tugged on Montezuma's shirt, "Mister, we ne-need y-you in the throne room now."

    The President nodded and headed to the throne room but had something to say first. He turned to the Cultural advisor, who was wearing a devastated face, and said, "Whats with all this WE crap, since when have you needed anything with your fancy advisor screen and your, um... urh, your... yeah. If you don't have anything useful to say, why do you even talk. What, do you expect me build cathedrals, pretty little cathedrals, when about a million men, with horses and rifles, come knocking on our door, and say, 'hey, if you could just kinda leave, and let us burn your capital to the ground, that would be super'!!!"

    The Cultural Advisor looked hurt, "Well damn, damn you, if you want me to be quiet, you could just ask, now I'm never going to talk again."

    "Well fine."


    "I thought you said you were never going to talk again"

    "Well I'm not."

    "But, you just did again."

    "Did not."

    "Hey isn't this basically just the poop thing, but slightly different."

    "He said Poop."

    "Nobody cares, just go take a long walk off of a short cliff will you."

    Montezuma proceeded to the throne room, and saw his military advisor awaiting his arrival as he took the throne and said, "Sir, I was awaiting your arrival, there is bad news."

    "Yes, proceed."

    "It seems, well sir, this is hard for me to say."

    "Well just spit it out than."

    "You see, Joan d' Arc, she's d-dead sir."

    "What, how did this happen?"

    "She died just today, of a lethal overdose of brick wall, while under the influence of a Ferrari and a bottle of tequila." The Military advisor began to cry.

    "Suck it up, what about the contacts in the lands foriegn."

    "America says they'll give us peace for shrubbery."

    "What, we don't have... hey I told you not to contact them, oh well."

    "Anywho, France is gone, there hasn't been a Greece in nearly a thousand years and all of the other countries have told us very politely to go to hell, but swing by the liquor store and pick them up some wines on the way, or be crushed severely by their extreme military might."

    "Okeydokey than, well, seems we need some shrubbery."

    "Oh and sir, one more thing, all of our panties are gone."
    [cue dramatic chord]

    "Get me Lincoln."

    It was 1863 when Montezuma contacted Lincoln, noting the slight garlic smell had disappeared leaving only the cheese to permeate one's nostrils. "Yes, Cheif-Jungle-Boy of the Azwhores, I mean Aztecs."

    Montezuma let this insult slide, "Lincoln, am I to understand correctly that all of the panties have been stolen from Las Vegas."

    "As if you didn't know, we've none left in the country you underhanded underwear stealing, thong thieving, panty pilfering, knee-biting as..."

    "I get your prong."

    "My what?"

    "Your spear, your pike..."

    "My point, oh, well then, what do you have to say for yourself."


    "Well then why did you contact me."

    "We have no panties either."

    "Serves you right."

    That's all for now, I apologize for the lack of comedy, but, I'm in sort of a rush, I'll try to post something better tommorrow.
    Last edited by Absolut_Zero; May 25, 2002, 10:47.

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  • trickey
    i like it!! definatly continue!!

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    nice .....

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  • Metaliturtle
    Metaliturtle invites you to join the storywriter's union, and I believe I have met my match in humor, although I was hoping you'd embellish into the panty situation more.

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  • Civ3King
    Odd......yet funny!! please keep writing the story!

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  • civman2000
    wow you're incredible! A lot like hitchhikers guide to the galaxy imo!

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  • Culture Shock, World War, and the Case of the Stolen Panties

    Alright, this would be my first post to a civ3 board, but I was playing a game and was suddenly struck on the head... no, not by an idea, just struck on the head by my webcam. You see I was trying to see if the horsemen... well never mind, onto the story.

    It started as a normal world, with many scattered races, and my fine ramification of the powerfully stupid race of the Aztecs (how in the hell are we supposed to pronounce some of the city names), and as usual, our culture far surpassed that of all others. As my city borders approached the Egyptians, Abydos, Cairo, Buto, and countless other hamlets and thorpes became mine for the taking. As my soverignity intersected the greeks, my race flourished with cities like Sparta, Greece, and many others. As my devine cultural... well, you get the picture. But, at the time of the 1800's, the other civs began to get jealous, which is where I begin.

    "President Montezuma, we have information that the evil American troops have declared war on us because we stole all of the panties from Las Vegas."

    "I see, and did we steal the panties?"

    "Of course not, sir," the military advisor stuttered a bit on that last part, "at least, I don't think we did."

    Montezuma stared into space blankly for a moment and then responded, "Well, that's good enough for me, send delegates to Rome.."

    "We destroyed them, sir"

    "What?" The President had that strange look on his face, like when he's furious.

    "The Romans Sir, We destroyed them."

    "So we did, well send a delegate or two any way, for tax purposes."

    "But sir, I don't understand how we coul...."

    Montezuma cut him off, "that's why you're not the president. Now, contact the Persians, the Iriquois, the Greeks, the Egyp..."

    This time it was the advisor to be cutting off, "Sir, in all due respect, we have..."

    But Montezuma couldn't let that happen, "Don't all due respect me, why, in my day, boy I can almost remember how the sun had a gleam to it, how the rose petals used smell so prettily, how we always had ice cream and hot fudge on tuesdays follow by the sweet inards of a..."


    "What did you say?"

    "Poop, sir"

    "And why did you say poop?"

    "I didn't say poop."

    "Well than what did you say."


    "But you just said you didn't say poop."

    "I didn't, I said Poop. With a capital p sir, you said it with a lower case."

    "So I did, well why did you say Poop?"

    "Oh, someone in the story, namely you, had almost finished an entire paragraph of speech without being interrupted, I thought it was only fitting to..."

    "Stop at once. There shall be no more cutting off of one's speech in mid..."

    "Sir, you just cut me off. I think it only fair, that if you say no more cut-offs, that you don't interrupt someone just before saying..."

    "Oh just shut up"

    "See you did it again. I really think that you should abide by..."

    "Listen, no more cutting off from now on, this must be losing any humor it may have had, so just contact every race but the Americans."


    That's all for now, if anyone reads it, and likes it, or just wants to see it continued, post what you want to happen or what you think of it so far. And It shall be continued.