Victorious Return

[bob rulz]

Very amusing. This would make a good Halloween Simpsons episode.

[Metaliturtle]

Five Tigers

Double to the pizzost


If you like

to slip on

Bananas....

[Metaliturtle]

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!" Zhang Fei's warcry caused the very earth to shake behind the Greek catapults. He began slashing with his mighty Viper spear, each slash leaving two to five Grecians deceased on the field.

"Kill the catapulters!" Guan Yu's orders whipped the tigers into a highly effective and efficient killing frenzy. Zhang Fei's already high kill counts were quickly doubling over themselves. Huang Zhong was doing equally well from a distance with his powerful bow, he was too old to learn Zhuge's newfangled contraptions. Ma Chao and Zhao Yun joined Zhang Fei and Guan Yu in some more personal fighting.

The unarmed Greek catapulters were defenseless and soon the malicious fire had quit raining upon Cheng Du.

The tigers next turned their attention to the Greek archer corps, as they were most annoying of all the Greek soldiers.

"China!.... Is!.... Independent!" Guan Yu yelled between strokes. His horse trampling as many men as his blade could silence.

The Greeks were being decimated, and even though their fire was doing a number on Cheng Du, there were no Greek soldiers willing to face any of the tigers.

----------

News of the retreat made it's way back to Cao Cao before the rest of the council had heard. He called for his advisor Sima Yi to see how he could best use this to his advantage.

"Sima Yi, how am I to unify China under my glorious banner when these bumpkin rogues have strength and the people on their side?"

"Sire, it seems to me the way to unify China is to eliminate your problem."

"umm DUUH!! Why the heck do I even pay you? Shoot even the peasants know that all I would have to do is get rid of them, but if I kill them, I become a tyrant, and Liu Bei has five martyrs that could even call my finest warriors to his cause."

"I am aware sir"

"Then what are you getting at?"

"Use them to your advantage, technically the council has jurisdiction over troop movement, which means 1/3 of those men should be under your command if you request it."

"oh i see so I'd get one and two-thirds of another, meaning some would die at the hands of the nation, excellent, I'll go get my executionizing swor-"

"Just wait sire, a better plan would be to send them on a campaign into the enemy's territory, surely they won't survive long, and if they die at orders from the council of three, the people will not care as much."

"Cool"

"Cool sir? It's like 86 out"

"It's just an expression"

"I've never heard it and I'm like the third smartest guy in this story"

"Shut up Sima Yi before I tell everyone you got it on with your horse."

"How did you- I mean... No I didn't!"

"You may retire, Sima Yi"

"I don't even know why I work for him..." Sima Yi grumbled as he returned to his quarters for the evening.

--------
Hmmm, wonder if the council will like the new aggressive policy Cao Cao is going to propose. I guess you gotta keep reading and commenting!

[unscratchedfoot]

Aw man, that was no fight, just one-sided trample. This story makes me wanna yak! No, just joking. The forum's not the same without metalturtle's stories of orgies and relentlessly confused, idiom-challenged leaders.

I remember that Sima Yi dude from koei's 3 kingdoms game. He had high stats for smartness. Anyways keep the goods coming turtle. I will keep reading your story.

Why isn't anyone else commenting this? The guy deserves some credit even if the story is yakable... woops... laughable... no I mean laugh-at-able.

[Metaliturtle]

Probably don't realize that I'm updating...

[Metaliturtle]

The Greeks lick their wounds whilst the Council plots...

Utterly defeated by the Five Tigers of Shu, Alexander marched his forces westward to his largest conquered city of Delphi. It would be here where he would replenish his troops and train his men in the eastern fighting arts to be able to stand against the Chinese.

Alexander had become less easygoing now that his men had given him a defeat, he was serious, he was angry, he realized what a Yak really was now. It was time to stop fooling himself and kill some Chinese, and if he couldn't do it his way, he'd do it theirs, and then surprise them with his way.

He was gaining some advantages though, as he explored the Indian subcontinent he became more and more skilled commanding Elephants and even had a division of elite Elephant cavalry put into service for his empire.

"CHARGE!"

The new recruits ran in unison, spearheads thrust upwards, into a sea of attack dummies.

"All men who have pierced the same dummy as another man fall down, you are killed by the one that you missed!"

Each man had a dummy that was his own and directly in front of him, when the troops broke formation, their punishment was to lay in the mud whilst-

"WAVE TWO CHARGE!!!!!!"

Alexander's more experienced soldiers ran at a set of smaller dummies just behind the larger ones, these dummies were set up so only vital areas could be hit, or they would have to lie in the mud while the inexperienced troops came for their-

"WAVE ONE SECOND ATTACK!!!!!"

They could only become quick and strong or quickly dead with this mode of training and it showed. It was week one of their 3 month long training, all the while they were being told of atrocities that the Chinese supposedly commit to those they capture. These men didn't want to die, but they definitely would choose death over capture at the hands of the Chinese.


"Alexander, the warriors are becoming fiercer and fiercer, and they're extremely bloodthirsty."

"Good, once winter passes we will destroy the Chinese."


-------

But the Chinese were not remaining idle...

Cao Cao was pleading his case before the other two council members.

"With Lords Zhang Fei and Guan Yu advancing westward, we will be able to crush that menace Alexander, once and for all!"

Liu Bei spoke up, "Those two men are my oath brothers, what assurance have I that they will make it back alive and well, campaigning into an unknown land?"

Sun Quan spoke up, "I agree with Liu Bei, the only way I would be willing to have them in battle would be as your personal bodyguards as YOU lead the expedition, Lord Cao."

"Mmmmm ma ma me?!"

"Yes, you are so eager to send troops into the unknown, why not prove your virtue and do so?"

"Well ah, I'll send my son Cao Ang, what good is my empir- err ambition if I have no heir?"

"I suppose that would be ok, but in that case Zhang Fei and Guan Yu are the leaders of the expedition."

"Fine"
"Fine"
"Fine"

It was agreed then, upon Winter's completion, Zhang Fei and Guan Yu would march west with a third of China's massive army.

-------

In the final installment, will the two armies collide? Will Cao Cao's treachery be realized in the ranks of the Chinese army? Will Alexanders troops totally own the Chinese? Will I finish the story? We will see...

[unscratchedfoot]

Bring on the fight. I hope the fight is more even this time instead of another trample. Speaking of being trampled, the poor blokes who liyed in the mud during traingin got smitten for good didn't tyhe?

More people comment or we risk the turtle stop publishing!!

[SKILORD]

I'm here, man.


I like it, a good bit of treachery, mixed in with humor. I'm on Alexander's side all the way, anyone who trains their troops like that deserves to win... or at least their troops do.

Keep it up.

[Metaliturtle]

The End

Winter Passed slowly for the Greek troops, but as the training went on, they became stronger and stronger, volunteers from the local Indian and Tibetan populations were joining Alexander's army, swelling the ranks to proportions only seen prior to the Pax Mongolica, and with the promise of Chinese splendor as spoils of war, the men were hungry to plunder and return to their homes as rich men.

The elephant corps had been expanded and was now it's own army, Greeks and locals that had familiarized themselves with the pachydermic powerhouses united. Fearsome warriors on a see of trumpeting thunder, these men were admired by the local merchants and women for their bravery, expertise, and spiffy turbans.

Alexander had personally overseen several aspects of... well... we'll just say "morale" as the eve of the invasion approached. He was prepared only for victory or death, this would be his final battle as the leader of the Greeks.

About a week before the battle there was a ruckus in the camp...

"HEY! Give that back!!"

A man dressed in an orange gi was scurrying away with a gladius that a Greek soldier named Niclos had prized since the Roman campaigns so long ago.

"Stop him he's a thief!!" Niclos ran as fast as he could and his comrades who understood Greek joined him.

Upon seeing so many men running, the rest soon joined in the hot pursuit and the oddly clothed man was soon aprehended.

The Grecian soldiers had him at bay by spearpoint. Niclos approached him fearlessly and picked up his gladius, which had fallen at sight of the spears.

"If you don't know any Greek mister you better learn some fast, I'm only going to give you one chance to explain your actions before I cut off your hands."

The man seemed to understand for he became very shocked and wrung his hands together very tightly.

"WELL!?"

"Wait... no cut hand... no want fight... just need weapon for train fellow men to retake monastary from Chinese."

"Hey Niclos! Turn him into Alexander! I bet he'll recruit these 'men!'"

The group erupted in a volcano of guffaws and chortles, yeah this man was fast but he was pretty much a wimp compared to them. They failed to realize how much they had been trained, but they would soon find out.

--------

Bee Vang sat upon the monastary rooftop. He knew it wasn't right for the men to take this sacred place, but Cao Cao insisted upon it so that he may observe the advance westward and make sure those idiotic 'brothers' of Liu Bei met a grizzly end.

Bee turned to his soldiers, "All of you stay away from the artifacts!" "This is a sacred place and as long as we are here there will be two standing orders: First, ANY item that turns up missing by account of the monks who were here will be paid for upon our departure in blood from random soldiers until it shows up. Secondly, ANY man caught touching or defiling holy relics will be required to kill themselves with a dull knife or be tortured by hammer!"

Bee hated giving orders like that, but he did not wish to upset the gods further, he turned back to look eastward, as Cao Cao's entorage came up the mountain pass.

-------

'Man who eat many prunes sit on squat box many moons'

This cheery message was displayed on the lavatory doorway, a bit of low brow humor courtesy of the Great Alexander himself. The Greeks were in high spirits, it was time to see if their training paid off, it was time to recapture a monastary.

-------

"Brother how far must we go until we're West?"

"Zhang Fei, we're heading west, we'll never actually BE there."

"but I have to go."

"yes, we all have to go"

Sometimes Guan Yu thought that Zhang Fei got the luckiest breaks in the world for how stupid he acted.

"Well why don't we stop then?"

"Stop?"

"Yeah so we can go!"

"But Zhang Fei, we're already going, stopping is the opposite of going"

"Guan Yu, you have no idea of just how many prunes I scarfed last night..."

"OOOOH!! you have to GO go... I thought you were epically retarded for a minute there."

"So... Can we?... Stop?" Zhang Fei said between fits of gastric distress.

"Yeah, we can stop, there's a monastary up ahead."

-------

Alexander had the men standing at attention in full battle dress.

"Men, I have gained some highly skilled new recruits, not as highly skilled as you soldiers in my army!" He waited for the cheers to die down. "But skilled nonetheless, these men have had their home taken away by a Chinese lord who seems to be the cause of all our difficulties in this new land."

Alexander paused a moment to let this information sink in, as the monks flipped onstage in unison.

"Our mission is to capture this man they call... Ca... Ca... umm well it sounds kinda like Cow Cow. Be warned, this man is very skilled in booby traps and swordsmanship, and I want him alive!"

"I will give 50,000 bars of gold to the first man who captures him, and a permanent paid discharge for all those who assisted."

The men were chomping at the bit to catch this man, he was their ticket home now... way better than attacking that evil castle again.

-------

Cao Cao's bodyguard watched the Greek soldiers burst into the bedroom, screaming Cao Cao at the top of their lungs. He was dressed in the finest robes his master owned, and he shoved his master's sword through his abdomen without a second thought.

-------

"Lord Alexander! Cao Cao is dead! We saw it with our own eyes! Here is his body and his robes!"

Alexander turned to the head monk, "Is this the man who took your monastary?"

"No your greatness, this is his bodyguard, an impostor. Knowing him, he's probably among your prisoners of war."

"Prisoners of war? Do we even have any of those?" Alexander asked his Military Commander

"Sire, only one man escaped death."

"Where is he?"

"The men are questioning him, he claims to be a lowly bodyguard."

"That's him!" shrieked the monk.

Upon capture of Cao Cao, the men found a flag that was similar in color to that of the original grecians, scrawled 'GREEKS AINT GEEKS' on it and raised it up the flagpole.
-------

Guan Yu watched as a Green flag was raised from the walls of the monastary. Zhang Fei was about two thirds of the way up the Eastern stairs when Guan Yu noticed the change.

"just crap your pants or go berserk or fall or something" Guan Yu thought to himself, "we need to fight here, it's where the Greek army is"

"Lord Guan!" "Lord Guan!"

"What is it, Cao Ang?"

"Lord do you not realize that flying the Green flag is a sign of respect for the forces of Shu? You would be turning the people of this region against your lord if you did not go up and accept their gifts."

"Oh fine, you lead the men ahead Cao Ang, Zhang Fei and I will catch up."

"Excellent" thought Cao Ang, "now I can secure my own little empire in the west, but first I must wait for father's signal that they're dead."

-------

Niclos hadn't been involved in capturing Cao Cao, rather, he was stuck with watch duty.

He looked North: nothing
He looked West: only Greek soldiers
He looked South: a couple of sherpas on a mountain
But looking east he saw two men coming up the gigantic stone stairway.

"We have visitors to the east!! Archers to formation!" Niclos loved taking control and he used his gladius to proudly denote the source of all the hullabaloo.

"Raise the blue flag of battle!!! and FIRE!!!"

As the green flag was being lowered the archers let fly. Zhang Fei and Guan Yu were both great warriors, but alone going uphill against dozens of archers is not easy for anyone. As the blue flag reached it's pinnacle, Cao Ang saw the men fall...

-------

"Alexander! Reports from the pass to the south of a giant troop movement led by a banner with the character for "CAO" on it!"

"We must stop them now! Ambush from the cliffs to freeze them, send the elephants in first, let our spearmen charge to clean up the leftovers!"

-------
THWOCK!!

"OWWWW!" yelled a Chinese trooper with a new arrow in his neck.

"Wa-" His companion couldn't even ask what the problem was before he fell.

Soon men were falling left and right, they huddled up in groups and pointed their new improved fire-breathing weapons towards the archers in the hills. They sent a volley of bullets that caused a lot of shrapnel to fall off the rocks and soon there was a small landslide above the archers' concealed position.

"LANDSLIDE!! FORWARD!!"

Cao Ang hurried his troops westward hoping they would not be killed by the debris that had already annihilated his enemy.

The men made it safely past the rockslide with only a few minor injuries, and quickly got into formation so they wouldn't be caught unawares again.

"FIREARMS TO THE FRONT!!"

All the men with the improved weapons moved into formation at the front and then began a very well-timed march when a loud trumpeting pealed through the air.

"ELEPHANTS!! FIRE!!!"

Even with the improvements, the new guns were still not strong enough to take down and elephant's skull head on, the bullets bounced of the trunked ones like fleas from the floor to a dog.

Cao Ang thought to himself, "Oh crap."

-------

Finishificationized

(Yes it leaves you hanging, but I may want to come back to this storyline later so don't worry, plus I finally get to end a story with "Oh crap."

[ChrisiusMaximus]

You are quite mad!! but you write with confidence that is required for good comedy

Well done