Thursday, June 26
Update By: James "Schizoaffective" Zee
 
de: Montreal - Queen of Harlots (Part 1)
 
Hello James, and welcome to our live
teleconference on your $11.46 debt!
 
As is tradition, I thought I'd start my *Chretien like legacy here at SA by sharing horribly precarious manipulation endeavors and how they relate to my future place of year long vacationing (*Jean Chretien was village harlequin of the Kim Jong Ill dynasty until Ben "Greasnin" Whatever stole his magic KY jelly spurting scepter. This subsequently caused Jean's face to fall off and countless Canadian soldiers to carelessly walk into descending American laser guided precision bombs and flaming ammo depots across the globe). Now then, I must first humbly ask you the reader an age old question which I'm pretty sure was posed in Vanilla Sky: What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions regarding that vomit prone salmon milkshake that just won't listen to gravol and common sense? (You'll want my answer now, lest you're prepared to do a rather traumatizing google image search on tubgirl). The answer is: LYING! - Which ALSO happens to be the answer to the topic I introduce today - dealing with rather forward, desperate, and all out batshit insane tele-creditors collecting on your debts!
 
            Mistress says:
               how is your day going??
 
           James says:
               what
 
            Mistress says:
               this is Pam... I talked to you earlier on the phone today - u r one of my debtors! :p
 
            James says:
               ...and why do you have my IM contact as well?
 
            Mistress says:
               we R allowed to have relationships with clients outside of work if its kept secret, u kno
 
            James says:
               Go away. I'm writing an article for a comedy website.
 
            Mistress says:
               for what website
 
            James says:
                www.time.com
 
           Mistress says:
                what is your article about
 
           James says:
                The growing trend of pharmeceutical opiate abuse amongst American youth - focusing on the pain killers OxyContin and Marshmallow-codone. 
 
            Mistress says:
                cool
 
            James says:
               No, it’s not so cool.
 
           James says:
                There's a very dark trend in America concerning their use and the sexual abuse of medium sized flightless birds.
 
           James says:
               Note I said flightless :(
 
            James says:
               ...but if I do well on the online version and they edit it to the mag I can make about twelveteen hundred thousand dollars. That is exciting!
 
            Mistress says:
               cool when do u kno if u get published
 
           James says:
               I don't know, but can you buy me a flight to Toronto?
 
           Mistress says:
                um sure and like I said on phone you can stay at my place and scratch my back in return when u get here
 
            James says:
               Ok. Can you also wire me 550$ in about an hour to pay the last rent here?
 
            Mistress says:
                sure :]
 
            James says:
               is it easy to find heroin in Toronto?
 
 
Partially relevant to the introduction/penultimate paragraph (which was mainly to afford me time to finish masturbating) - The further outlined topic is how to task manipulation of your shemale web stalker. When a stalker, or general syphilis ridden douchebag approaches your personal life completely uninvited via chat or telephone - simply move on to positive thinking in the matter. Instead of refering to him/her as the "infatuated psyho", think "economic interest" worthy of furthering your own goals. What comes next in this particular example? Well, I'm pretty sure of two things: Toronto is an island they created in the middle of the Atlantic ocean for the '67 expo, and I'm good for three 8-balls of starch & cornmeal grade cocaine @160$ here in Vancouver. This equation obviously leaves me a healthy amount of financing left to jump on an Indus bound steam locomotive upon arrival at TIA, and on to greener pastures! Yet what if "it" shows up at the airport for my red carpet debut into hell - you ask? I will tell of the evasive manouvres next week, in part 2 of 3!
 
...for now, however - I'm going to pack my things up for the journey, and maybe donate to Zack's Amazon.com wishlist in hopes of securing a dry handjob!   
 
Update: the original and compoundingly horrifying "tub girl" picture seems to have been systematically erased from internet history - much like Trotsky after the revolution and any paedophilic references I henceforth make on this page 
Yes sir, and although this surrounding haze looks relatively healthy, I assure you I used to have a penis :)
 
 
Awful Link of The Day
 
THE AMANDA SHOW (Thanks, me) - Hello again, friends of Summer! Well well well, sitting here on an overcast day after minimal yardwork - what better to do than watch television and smear piping hot microwaved Nutella on my stomach? For some reason channel 66 is running (Canadian "Family Channel" that my abuse craving little brother left on), but hark - what a treat awaits, in... THE AMANDA SHOW!!! There's nothing quite like watching this delightful and slightly live action comedy which includes skits such as The Girls Room - A Junior High bathroom setting filled with several luscious, popularity struck 14 year old girls, and (for some reason) a conspicuously odd and stereotypically squawky 30 year old black "student". What more should I ask for as I sit twisted and sprawled out on the couch like a rusting Iraqi tank, content in simply wondering what flavors of tampons each one of them uses (if even)? 
 
                                                                            
 
I'm guessing maybe Macoroni & Cheese? The show's pilot episode was first broadcast sometime around the formation of the Warsaw Pact - in retaliation to the giant Pepsi products near Neptune that were constructing space obelisks able to reach any Yogen Fruz in the western hemisphere in a matter of decades. This being said, Amanda is certainly not your regular tube top rack, but she is indeed every bit as witty and charming as YOUR young daughter should be! Let's take a brief look at some of the action: 

   
         "I'm like the most popular girl at school!"

        "Popperpants - Popcorn you make in your pants!"

        "My toe's a ferry princess!"

        "How will you be paying me?"

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket - let's not get carried away TOO quickly! When I sat down to my frothy warm root beer and copy of Shooting Diluted Ink Cartridges Monthly, I never knew how lovely and entertaining a whole the Amanda show would make it. I'm not exactly sure why, but this show fills me with a glowing warmth in my heart and other certain areas - but I'm just not really sure why that is! What do you think?

                                                                                
 
(Amanda was once 7 years old! I think that should be a cherry on her shirt, instead ***ROL ROL :rolin***)
 
We will likely have many a fruitful seasons available with this show, at least 2.1 of them or so to keep her at home and focused on serving me my fucking Hungry Man TV dinner after work. Can the Girls of The Girls Room find their way out of sequin covered "lil' Cunt" t-shirts and on to casting a second Olsen Twin look alike (HA HA)? Will Danny successfully court Amber to the local RAVE PARTY and slip gamma-hydroxybutyrate into her moonshine? The only way we can find out is if sh
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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