View Poll Results: Which punishment method do you prefer?

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  • Nerve stapling, because Comrade Vev loves it...

    4 26.67%
  • Ceiling painting, because Comrade Deputy Chairman Jamski loves it...

    8 53.33%
  • Write in...

    0 0%
  • Xenodoughnuts!!!!!

    3 20.00%
Results 1 to 19 of 19

Thread: PRAVDA SPECIAL EDITION #9 - 21 June 2003 - Comrade Claire Special Edition

  1. #1
    Rokossovky
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    PRAVDA SPECIAL EDITION #9 - 21 June 2003 - Comrade Claire Special Edition


    COMRADES!
    WE GREET EACH DAY WITH THE TRUTH!


    Lenin's Birthday Edition of the Russian Newspaper "Pravda" which means "The Truth"

    Welcome comrades to this, the glorious 9th special edition of PRAVDA - the offical newsletter of the Human Hive.....



    .....All hail to the glorious Chairman Voltaire

    In This Issue :
    • HiveFoodNet - Cooking with Comrade Octavian X!
    • Paid Advertisement- Nervco 2110 NerveStapler
    • The Hive Does Farside- A Comic by Gnool
    • HiveChild TV- Story Time with Comrade Chairman Voltaire
    • HiveLearningNet - Nerve Staplers!
    • Not Quite so Children Oriented Hive TV- COMRADE CLAIRE SPECIAL EDITION!!!


    ===================================
    HiveFoodNet - Cooking with Comrade Octavian X

    And now, a transript from the the most popular show on HiveFoodNet - Cooking with Comrade Octavian X!

    Comrade Octavian X: Hello, and welcome to this broadcast of Cooking with Comrade Octavian X!. I am your host, Comrade Octavian X, NOT some clone doing his evil bidding as evil rumor-making capitialistic pigs would have you think.

    Comrades in Live Audience *cheers*

    Comrade Octavian X: We're here live, broadcasting this show from the First Rover Exploration Division of the Revolutionary Army of the Socialist People of the Human Hive, saluting our brave troops, glouriously exploring to defeat terrible capitalistic mindworms and the show the light of the Human Hive to those who would oppose The Party!

    Comrades in Live Audience *cheers*

    Comrade Octavian X: Thank you. Now, straight to our specialty of the day - xenodoughnuts!

    Comrades in Live Audience *ohhs and ahhs*

    Comrade Octavian X: The recipe is very simple. Take the instant xenodoughnut mix provided in your daily Hivian rations, stir in a handful of mindworm larvae, provided in your daily rations. Then, add water, and poof! You're all done!

    Comrades in Live Audience *cheers*

    Comrade Octavian X: And, as a part of this salute to our brave troops, there will be free xenodoughnuts for all!

    Comrades in Live Audience *screams in delight*

    Comrades in Live Audience *eat xenodoughnuts*

    Comrade Octavian X: That's it for today's show. Tune in again the next time your scheduled mandatory television viewing time comes around.

    Comrades in Live Audience: (in mindless unison) We will serve Grand High Emperor Octavian X and his Glorious Movement to Take Over Planet. We will brush teeth often for good, strong teeth. We will continue to manufacture and eat xenodoughnuts and remain the slaves to glourious Grand High Emperor Octavian X. We will...

    Comrade Octavian X: Taping? We're still taping?!?!?! WHAT KIND OF MINDLESS SLAVE CAMREAMAN ARE YOU!! TURN THAT @#$%#$^* THING OFF!!



    ===================================
    Paid Advertisement- Nervco 2110 NerveStapler

    Nervco is proudly presenting to you, Nervco 2110 NerveStapler. Specially designed for prolonged use in the harsh Chiron environment. It ergonomically fits into the palm of your hand and balanced perfectly to deliver a satisfying nerve stapling. The unique double action stapling quickly and efficiently paralyses key nervous system leaving the target with no physical harm. Nervco 2110 guarantees faultless service for up to 4000 uses or your credits cheerfully refunded back.

    Remember if it isn't Nervco, it is not worthy of the nerves.

    This advertisment have been approved by the CCC.

    ===================================
    The Hive Does Farside- A Comic by Gnool



    ===================================
    HiveChild TV- Story Time with Comrade Chairman Voltaire

    Democracy, in the styles of those practiced by such triumphs of human civilization that were Rome and America, has been the greatest scourge on civilized man. Imagine if you will a form of control so perfect that the slaves believe themselves to be the masters, and whats more are allows little toys to amuse themselves while those in power use the masses as a source of labor. The nature of Western democracy has been such since the days of its invention. Democracy may be best described as government by the elite for the elite on the backs of the masses. Marx saw the obvious, that capitalism oppresses the masses, but he failed to see the tool it employs in order to achieve this oppression, democracy. The kakisocratic elite rule in such a system by being the ones with the money, and hence the ones who can run for office or fund campaigns, thus democracy has never been about majority rule, but rather by plutocratic rule, money can buy anything, and in democracy it can buy you a government.

    Surely you say that despite all these flaws a democracy must be preferable to other forms of government... I would respond by saying that a democratic official can be bought, but a despot cannot. Democracy abhors the proletariat, for just as capitalism has been built with the blood of the proletariat, democracy has been build with his ignorance.

    There exist then those who will argue for democracy on the basis of the freedoms it provides. What freedoms, I would ask. Democracy is slavery perfected. The elite keep the masses occupied through the old Roman method of “bread and circuses”, the elite provide a few comforts for the masses and limitless entertainment, and what have you created? The perfect slave, one who willing submits himself to the oppression of the elite. There exist those individuals who criticize the Hive for our supposed lack of free speech, I would advise you to look ever closer at the system you love ever so much, free speech is too dangerous to a democracy to be permitted. No man in a democracy things for himself, he belongs to a group, and the group tells him what to think; here lies the difference between our two systems. Your democracies focus as much on the group as we in the Hive do, the only difference would be the fact that your groups are controlled by the elite and make the masses act against their best interest, we seek to make the masses act in their own best interests.

    The we have the last group, who would argue that the evils of the system are a result of not enough democracy. The cure for the evils democracy is more democracy? That is like saying that the cure for crime is more crime. In the battle for the freedom of the proletariat we must seek out and destroy the institutionalized slavery that is democracy, for the masses will truly be free when they act in their own best interest.

    Essays on Democracy
    Chairman Voltaire, Datalinks

    ===================================
    HiveLearningNet - Nerve Staplers!

    Ministry of Science Press Release #4
    Subject: MoS Develops New Nerve Stapler

    The Ministry of Science has announced plans to begin allowing production and distribution of new and improved nerve staplers! Our recent advance in technology levels has led to an improved understanding of the proper method necessary to achieve efficient and energy-effective nerve stapling.

    Through Hive efficiency and scientific advancements, staplers will now affect up to fifty percent more nerves. Thus local police units can process drones more rapidly through the nerve stapling procedure and have almost reached the point where they can stop riots before they start.

    The staplers themselves will only be twenty percent larger, and can now be safely used as a blunt instrument against drones with improper attitude.

    The new staplers have already been in use in limited area, and were instrumental in quelling a recent drone uprising in Voltairograd. A local police official at the scene had this to say: "We like them because they're bigger. If we have the choice between stapling less nerves or more nerves, we're going to go with more. Once these nerve staplers are everywhere, I got a feeling we'll be stapling a lot of nerves."

    ===================================

    COMRADE CLAIRE SPECIAL EDITION
















    ===================================
    In other news :
    • Comrade Deputy Chairman Jamski "vists" a gulag renovates his new house after his wife threatens to nerve staple him into a vegetable like state asks him nicely to do so...
    • In response to a recent Drone Weekly News Service Post the Chairman has declared that Goliath ACTUALLY won against David...
    • A capitalist pigdog spy spread rumors about the dissapearance of the Human Hive's only GooglieGod and caused a temporary turmoil. Many Hivers called for an Claire-ification from the Ministry of misinformation. As Minister Comrade Tassadar was busy at the time sending a super-long love message to the deputy chairman, Comrade Gnool, the Promoter of Public Morale deClaire-d that the citizens were getting a bit Forlarn. The turmoil ended when the GooglieGod himself presented himself in a message promoting scientific discussions...
    • Other sources confirmed that the Great Captain Hercules himself is currently visiting China, the Hive's pact of sisterhood country. Rumors said that Chairman Voltaire plans to secretly meet with the Great Captain in GuangDong...
    • Comrade Tassadar professes his love for Comrade Jamski, and I quote "I LOVE YOU JAMSKI I LOVE YOU JAMSKI I LOVE YOU JAMSKI..."


    Onwards Comrades - the Future of Humanity lies in Cooperation, Brotherhood and Industry - Continue to Work for the Glory of the Human Hive

    Marshal of the Revolutionary Army of the Socialist People of the Human Hive - Comrade Rokossovky
    Last edited by Rokossovky; June 22, 2003 at 22:55.
    - Comrade Marshal Rokossovky
    Marshal of the Revolutionary Army of the Socialist People of the Human Hive

  2. #2
    Drogue
    Apolyton Knight Drogue's Avatar
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    The Cybernetic Consciousness salutes the wise words of Mr. Yang with regards to the fundamental truth and the collective consciousness, as well as the impeccable taste in females demostrated by Hive members. Comrade Forlani is exactly what we need to improve our growth rate...
    Smile
    For though he was master of the world, he was not quite sure what to do next
    But he would think of something

    "Hm. I suppose I should get my waffle a santa hat." - Kuciwalker

  3. #3
    Nubclear
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    Originally posted by Drogue
    The Cybernetic Consciousness salutes the wise words of Mr. Yang with regards to the fundamental truth and the collective consciousness, as well as the impeccable taste in females demostrated by Hive members. Comrade Forlani is exactly what we need to improve our growth rate...
    The Hive and the Conciousness have much in common, it seems

  4. #4
    Vander
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    And yet, there is only one Claire...
    She cheats her lover of his due
    but still contrives to keep him tied
    by first deciding to refuse
    and then refusing to decide

  5. #5
    Drogue
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    Really? Then you must be unaccustomed to some of our... technology...
    Smile
    For though he was master of the world, he was not quite sure what to do next
    But he would think of something

    "Hm. I suppose I should get my waffle a santa hat." - Kuciwalker

  6. #6
    Nubclear
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    Originally posted by Drogue
    Really? Then you must be unaccustomed to some of our... technology...
    I propose an alliance between the Conciousness and the Hive.

    We shall give you some of our women, and you can give us.....Well, i'm sure such an intelligent faction such as yours has developed many new technologies for the bedroom, yes?

  7. #7
    Static Universe
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    What do you think all those implants are for?
    "We are living in the future, I'll tell you how I know, I read it in the paper, Fifteen years ago" - John Prine

  8. #8
    Vev
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    Multitasking features.
    Promoter of Public Morale
    Alpha Centauri Democracy Game

  9. #9
    Vander
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    Dirty. Every one of us is Dirty.
    She cheats her lover of his due
    but still contrives to keep him tied
    by first deciding to refuse
    and then refusing to decide

  10. #10
    Octavian X
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    We're all dirty spammers at heart.

  11. #11
    Micha
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    Well, you may be dirty spammers, but not me!

    Although I am quite interested in these multitasking implants...
    Heinrich, King of Germany, Duke of Saxony in Cyclotron's amazing Holy Roman Empire NES
    Let me eat your yummy brain! :D
    "be like Micha!" - Cyclotron

  12. #12
    Nubclear
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    The peoples of the hive demand more Claire special editions!!!

  13. #13
    Frankychan
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    Despot-(1a) : a ruler with absolute power and authority (1b) : a person exercising power tyrannically
    Beyond Alpha Centauri-Witness the glory of Sheng-ji Yang
    *****Citizen of the Hive****
    "...but what sane person would move from Hawaii to Indiana?" -Dis

  14. #14
    Drogue
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    Static Universe: I am sure you've heard of Ace (and if you haven't, ask one of your females ). He is quite famous these days
    Smile
    For though he was master of the world, he was not quite sure what to do next
    But he would think of something

    "Hm. I suppose I should get my waffle a santa hat." - Kuciwalker

  15. #15
    Vev
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    Is Ace known for his special 'massages'?
    Promoter of Public Morale
    Alpha Centauri Democracy Game

  16. #16
    Drogue
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    Ace is known for many things. He has all sorts of attachments and skills, so I've heard
    Smile
    For though he was master of the world, he was not quite sure what to do next
    But he would think of something

    "Hm. I suppose I should get my waffle a santa hat." - Kuciwalker

  17. #17
    Method
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    he has, shall we say...a 'special enhancement'

  18. #18
    Frankychan
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    But didn't the ladies vanish when they saw it?
    Despot-(1a) : a ruler with absolute power and authority (1b) : a person exercising power tyrannically
    Beyond Alpha Centauri-Witness the glory of Sheng-ji Yang
    *****Citizen of the Hive****
    "...but what sane person would move from Hawaii to Indiana?" -Dis

  19. #19
    Drogue
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    That is a mere Spartan myth, jealous of CyCon talents The ladies were in no position to vanish
    Smile
    For though he was master of the world, he was not quite sure what to do next
    But he would think of something

    "Hm. I suppose I should get my waffle a santa hat." - Kuciwalker

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