Why England tried to conquer the world.

[Q Classic]

we all know that the british empire was, at its peak, the largest nation of its time, having posessions spread out over several contienents across the different hemispheres.

now, barring technological considerations, and economic motivations, my (irish) friend suggested this as a theory as to why the english felt the need to colonize:

1. in search of good food.
we all know that the english are not exactly renowned for their native cuisine. indeed, they are often disparaged for it. on the other hand, some of the nations they conquered, such as india, have spectacularly good food-- india's tandoori chicken, for instance, or the samosas, china's in general...
so it becomes clear that the british, starved for some food that was actually edible, and not wanting to go to france, decided to look outwards towards exotic locales.

2. in search of good weather
now, i've never been to england, so i really wouldn't know. but as i understand it, london is awfully dreary quite often, and foggy, while the rest of england isn't altogether that much better. bitterly cold in the winter, and hot and muggy in the summer.
so, it seems that the brits may have fled england to find warmer weather that wasn't so horrid-- such as australia. of course, most of those first colonists were also unhappy with their circumstances, but...

3. in search of good women

the royal family says it all.

======

discuss.

[Sava]

Don't fool yourself. England, like every other European Empire, was in it for Gold, Glory, and God.

[MikeH]

We had a load of ****ers in our country that we wanted to ship off to the shitholes around the world so although they could feel all superior to us at least they wouldn't be next door spewing their puritanism or stealing our stuff.

[Sava]

Yeah Mike, and all those ****ers created the US, and now I'm stuck in a country led by right wing, born again christian, capitalist 4ssholes. Thanks a lot England!

[Q Classic]

MikeH, you ended up shipping most of them to America...

oy!

[MikeH]

Exactly, see Sava's post! We got rid of our undesirables and created two culturally vacant monsters in the US and Australia.

You are right about the food though. Asian food is the best in the world. Indian, Chinese, Thai... fantastic. Everything else is bland and boring in comparison. Big up our Empire for all the good food!

[Q Classic]

well, what about the women? i have to say, i don't know as many british females as i know others, but most of them haven't turned out to be, shall we say, lookers?

on the other hand, you look at hong kong, singapore, india, the us, australia...

[Imran Siddiqui]

Yes, but now the US and Australia are better places to be than Britain. That happens when you have this massive country and not many people living in it. You tend to invite everyone else to hang around... well except if they are a different color. Then you invite them, but reserve the right to heckle them.

[MikeH]

All us Brit men are ugly too so if the girls were all really attractive we wouldn't be able to **** any of them.

They are really, really dirty though.

[reds4ever]

Originally posted by Q Cubed
well, what about the women? i have to say, i don't know as many british females as i know others, but most of them haven't turned out to be, shall we say, lookers?

in the UK weve learnt to sacrifice looks for a certain lax moral outlook towards sex

[Q Classic]

so it turns out so far that 2/3 reasons are flat out true.

and what about the whether?

[Q Classic]

ah, so ugliness vs. easiness...

hm...

just how loose are they in england ?

[MikeH]

I would prefer to be in the UK rather than the US or Australia.

We don't have any dangerous wildlife, there aren't many Aussies living here and we have a PM who the rest of the world doesn't laugh at every time he opens his mouth.

Plus you can get really good curries and tea and our coffee isn't horrible.

[MikeH]

The weather is really exciting, it changes 3 or 4 times a day. It's always windy and often a bit wet but we NEVER get any extremes of weather. No tornadoes, earthquakes, typhoons, hurricanes. The occasional small scale flood, bit of rain and snow. But no obscene heat or cold.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Ah, but I hate curry. Remember, I've been eating it just about every other day since I was a wee lad. ****ing Pakistani parents.

I love foods from all ethnicities otherwise though . Mexican is something I can't live without, so I kinda have to stay in the US, because Mexico is kinda dirty and I don't speak Spanish.

No dangerous wildlife?! What the **** do you call The Shaker?

[Imran Siddiqui]

And there are a few exceptions to the British women = uglyness thing. Elizabeth Hurley for instance.

[MikeH]

Basically we looked at the rest of the world, realised it sucked and decided to stay where we were where it's nice and safe and easy.

[Q Classic]

dangerous wildlife? what do you call the royal family? the spice girls? that jade girl from big brother?

[Q Classic]

except that you brits found good food, good looking women, and good weather elsewhere...

[MikeH]

They are all harmless you big girl.

[reds4ever]

Originally posted by Q Cubed
ah, so ugliness vs. easiness...

hm...

just how loose are they in england ?

...put it this way, the average blokes ideal night out is to go out with 10 of his mates, drink himself in to a stupor and then go for a curry, and even at the end of all that the chances are that if he wants to get laid he will!

[MikeH]

Oh and we can laugh at ourselves here and not get all offended when someone takes the piss out of our ridiculous country.

[reds4ever]

Originally posted by MikeH
Oh and we can laugh at ourselves here and not get all offended when someone takes the piss out of our ridiculous country.

...what could you be getting at?

[Immortal Wombat]

Its hard to get satisfaction from taking the piss out of Britain, because we're giving it away free to the rest of the world.

[Q Classic]

what? i got it from an irish friend.

of course he wanted to piss on your ridiculous country

[Shi Huangdi]

"and not wanting to go to france"

But they did want to go to France, that's why they tried to conquer it in the Hundred Year's War! Unfortunately for them, they suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of the French.

*Laughs at the English for losing a war to FRANCE"

[MikeH]

One war! We kicked their garlic stinking, frog eating french arses so many times we lost count. We beat millions of the buggers at Waterloo after they conquered the rest of Europe. A few peasants beat hordes of their heavily armoured knights at Agincore.

We beat them nearly as many times as we beat the Scots!

Oh and who needed help from the French to win their independence? AND who's capitol was raised by the Canadians!!! THE CANADIANS!!! At least the French have some military history! They aren't just a couple of flappy heads with pitchforks!

[Imran Siddiqui]

Canadians? I thought you should take credit for burning Washington. After all, it was your troops.

[MikeH]

It's more humiliating for you to think of them as Canadians.

[Q Classic]

but they were redcoats, and thus, british...