Evil, evil Finland

Bugs ****ing Bunny · February 12, 2002, 13:13

It can't have escaped anyone's notice that the net is crawling with Finns. Despite the fact that their total population is laughably small, at any given time around 60% of people online anywhere turn out to be Finnish. Even if you seek refuge on forums entirely dedicated to ancient mongolian skin complaints, at some point a Janni or Tommi or Aaasol will show up and be irritatingly chirpy.

Sinister, isn't it? Fortunately my army of gimp researchers are on the case and are now ready to reveal the TRUTH about evil, evil Finland. Here we go....

1- The Winter War. What the hell happened there? When Joe Stalin's T-34's rolled into central Europe the Wehrmacht and Waffen-SS screamed like girls and ran away. However all it took was a few dozen of Santa's little helpers lobbing snowballs and the Russkis bottled out in Finland. What really happened? Is the truth too horrible to reveal.

2- Linux. Open-source coding meant that the entire structure of Western capitalism was under threat. Fortunately all that happened was that a few dozen ubergeeks experienced immediate and uncontrollable climax while the rest of the world yawned and loaded up Windows. Try harder, evil Finns.

3- Anyway, I've heard that Linus Torsvald smells of chisels.

4- When Tolkien wanted to create a people who were inhuman, pointy-eared and as camp as Butlins, whose language did he base their speech on? Yup- you guessed it.

5- Mobile phones. Utterly dominated by those skulking trolls between Sweden and Russia. Their phones get smaller every day- ideal for those spindly elven fingers, but damning the rest of humanity to cordless communication serfdom. Do you think you're going to get away with it?

6- It's an established fact that if you want to be a great distance runner you have to come from a hot country. So where do Paavo Nurmi and Lasse Viren come in? I can now reveal that their "training" regime consisted of them having raw chillies stuffed up their bums and having starving packs of wild dogs unleashed on them. It won them loads of gold medals but at what cost, Finland? At what cost?

7- Rally driving is totally dominated by Finns. This is because Finland's national sport involves using high-powered 4-wheel drive cars to run over elks. The record is held by Hannu Mikkola who successfully ran over 24 inside 2 minutes. He would have got more but his wheels got jammed by bits of snapped-off antler and leg.

8- Norway is famous for it's fjords. These are made by Finns who sneak across at night and steal bits of the coastline, taking it back to Finland to make small hills. At the current rate of theft, by 2500 AD Norway will be only 200 metres wide.

9- Take a look at a map of Finland. Go on, take a look. Absolutely millions of lakes. That can't be right.

10- It's believed that the preponderance of lakes in Finland is due to them being stolen from other countries by Finns, along with their partners in lake-crime, Canada.

11- Anyway, what do you get in lakes? Abandoned shopping trollies, spindly things with chewing mouth-parts, and bodies. Add it up.

12- Santa Claus. Finland has been hailed as the home of Santa Claus since the 20th century. During that time, children's toys have displayed rising levels of dead spiders, razor blades and grit.

13- Finland's national dish is an elk scrotum fried in batter.

14- The last Suomithreadi contained detailed instructions on how to make home-brewed Rohypnol, as well as an incantation for summoning Satan.

15- Finns attract sharks. I have no figures to back this up.

16- Derby County FC. The reason for Georgi Kinkladze's recent poor form is that, in their last match agaist Liverpool, he was beaten to death with his own leg while the referee's back was turned. The culprit was Sami Hyppia. A Finn.

17- Where's ottok? What have you done with him?

18- If all the world's Finns were laid end to end they'd cause a really nasty traffic jam.

Provost Harrison · February 12, 2002, 13:18

MichaeltheGreat · February 12, 2002, 13:19

ROFLMFAO!

Classic gimp.

Jon Miller · February 12, 2002, 13:20

very entertaining

the anti-us trolls were getting a little tiresome

Jon Miller
(you gotta mix it up people)

Adam Smith · February 12, 2002, 13:26

The state I live in, Maryland, has been repeatedly victimized by these sinister people. Do you know how many natural lakes there are in the state of Maryland? Not one. That's zero. Zip. Nada. But the Finnish Embassy is just a couple miles away in Washington DC, and now Finland has thousands of 'em. How did that happen? Let me tell you. Last night I was walking down by our local artifical pond (see what these evil Finns have reduced us to?

) when I spotted a man acting suspiciously. Before I could challenge him, he hopped in a car with Finnish diplomatic plates and drove off at a high rate of speed. We need to put a stop to this lake heisting RIGHT NOW before further ecological damage is done.

Drekkus · February 12, 2002, 13:32

All that and sauna's too.

ColdWizard · February 12, 2002, 13:33

Zopperoni · February 12, 2002, 13:59

Gazablanca · February 12, 2002, 14:21

Poor Finns.......

Stefu · February 12, 2002, 14:32

Even if you seek refuge on forums entirely dedicated to ancient mongolian skin complaints, at some point a Janni or Tommi or Aaasol will show up and be irritatingly chirpy.

Whatever you say, Brayanleigh.

1- The Winter War. What the hell happened there? When Joe Stalin's T-34's rolled into central Europe the Wehrmacht and Waffen-SS screamed like girls and ran away. However all it took was a few dozen of Santa's little helpers lobbing snowballs and the Russkis bottled out in Finland. What really happened? Is the truth too horrible to reveal.

This just goes to prove that Finns deserve to rule the world. Americans had to be saved by FRANCE when they couldn't get independent by themselves, and Brits almost had their asses kicked by FRANCE during Napoleonic Wars, and France is FRANCE, but Finland has had nothing to do with FRANCE, and will not either not neither.

Also, two words - yellow snowballs.

2- Linux. Open-source coding meant that the entire structure of Western capitalism was under threat. Fortunately all that happened was that a few dozen ubergeeks experienced immediate and uncontrollable climax while the rest of the world yawned and loaded up Windows. Try harder, evil Finns.

You think that Ville "Bill Gates" Portti and his company, MikroPehmeä, aren't Finnish?

3- Anyway, I've heard that Linus Torsvald smells of chisels.

How can you hear a smell? Brits.

4- When Tolkien wanted to create a people who were inhuman, pointy-eared and as camp as Butlins, whose language did he base their speech on? Yup- you guessed it.

And when Tolkein wanted to create people who were fat, hairy-feeted, gluttonous, and spent their days puffing on some unspecified plant with (most likely) narcotic quantities, he didn't just limit himself to ripping off English language.

5- Mobile phones. Utterly dominated by those skulking trolls between Sweden and Russia. Their phones get smaller every day- ideal for those spindly elven fingers, but damning the rest of humanity to cordless communication serfdom. Do you think you're going to get away with it?

We're going to get us away, ha-haa! We're going to get us away, ha haa he hee ho hoo!

6- It's an established fact that if you want to be a great distance runner you have to come from a hot country.

Yaaah stifle yerself Dingbat.

So where do Paavo Nurmi and Lasse Viren come in?

Mrs. Nurmi and Mrs. Viren, I hope.

I can now reveal that their "training" regime consisted of them having raw chillies stuffed up their bums and having starving packs of wild dogs unleashed on them. It won them loads of gold medals but at what cost, Finland? At what cost?

Approximately 5000$ spent on doping.

7- Rally driving is totally dominated by Finns. This is because Finland's national sport involves using high-powered 4-wheel drive cars to run over elks. The record is held by Hannu Mikkola who successfully ran over 24 inside 2 minutes. He would have got more but his wheels got jammed by bits of snapped-off antler and leg.

We don't just drive over elks. We also love to castrate them by biting off their Jolly Nuggets.

8- Norway is famous for it's fjords. These are made by Finns who sneak across at night and steal bits of the coastline, taking it back to Finland to make small hills. At the current rate of theft, by 2500 AD Norway will be only 200 metres wide.

[nerd-who-thinks-he-can-be-as-funny-as-Douglas-Adams-by-mindlessly-parroting-Douglas-Adams mode]Oooo, ehhehe, hehe, we didn't make fjords, Slartibartfast made them! *sprays spit on Brits* [/nerd-who-thinks-he-can-be-as-funny-as-Douglas-Adams-by-mindlessly-parroting-Douglas-Adams mode]

9- Take a look at a map of Finland. Go on, take a look. Absolutely millions of lakes. That can't be right.

Yes, well, you've got Prince Charles, and he certainly isn't right.

10- It's believed that the preponderance of lakes in Finland is due to them being stolen from other countries by Finns, along with their partners in lake-crime, Canada.

"Team of Israel! What is your answer?"

"CANADA!"

11- Anyway, what do you get in lakes? Abandoned shopping trollies, spindly things with chewing mouth-parts, and bodies. Add it up.

I get 23765.

12- Santa Claus. Finland has been hailed as the home of Santa Claus since the 20th century. During that time, children's toys have displayed rising levels of dead spiders, razor blades and grit.

Because those damn Yankees force Santa to go through chimney. SANTA COMES TO VISIT YOU PERSONALLY IF YOU ASK HIM!

13- Finland's national dish is an elk scrotum fried in batter.

"An" elk scrotum"? Everyone knows that good plate of Finland's national food requires at least two elk's scrotums.

14- The last Suomithreadi contained detailed instructions on how to make home-brewed Rohypnol, as well as an incantation for summoning Satan.

I don't like us being misunderestimated.

15- Finns attract sharks. I have no figures to back this up.

That's because we keep ourself CLEAN.

16- Derby County FC. The reason for Georgi Kinkladze's recent poor form is that, in their last match agaist Liverpool, he was beaten to death with his own leg while the referee's back was turned. The culprit was Sami Hyppia. A Finn.

Legs are for sissies. Last week I killed a Brit with his eyelid.

17- Where's ottok? What have you done with him?

We got him elected as President of United States.

18- If all the world's Finns were laid end to end they'd cause a really nasty traffic jam.

That doesn't sound too bad if it means I'll get laid too.

Paul Hanson · February 12, 2002, 14:39

Congratulations Bugs, you've made a cynic laugh so much he was almost sick.

Fuse_Head · February 12, 2002, 14:41

Heheee... Very interesting... ;D
Watch your back. Santa Claus is after you

DinoDoc · February 12, 2002, 14:42

Santa would not live in Finland.

Bugs ****ing Bunny · February 12, 2002, 14:44

Originally posted by Stefu

I don't like us being misunderestimated.

ottok! Is that you?

connorkimbro · February 12, 2002, 14:44

We got him elected as President of United States.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Patriqvium · February 12, 2002, 15:13

Originally posted by DinoDoc
Santa would not live in Finland.

Yes, he does. Santa is the real Antichrist, you see... he is trying to make children his followers by giving them presents on his competitor's birthday. Sounds Finnish, doesn't it?

Matias83- · February 12, 2002, 15:38

Well .. its time for some one from finland to write here ... if someone hasn´t allready, don´t know.

Well yeah i must confess that finnish mobile phones are too small but still better than other phones ;D Rally and formula .. allso other motorsports are ruled by finns becase we are the fastest ;D

Yeah and what comes to the first part that finnish are everywhere in the internet .. is true. Everyone has internet here , librarys have free connections....

Finns are really proud that they are finns .. like i am =D Finland is a small country but still we are well known in the world .

Yeah i must now go and find some forums of ancient mongolian skin complaints =D

tommi · February 12, 2002, 15:40

Well as a Finn I am very honored that you have taken such an interest in our small country. I know we're evil, but I didn't understand all that elf/elk talk. I am probably bigger than anyone here... or maybe not, but still big... and there are lots of bigger people here than me.

I kinda like living here. I have talked to people who come from america to visit our country, and thay all say it's just like Minnesota in here... when it's winter...

And the reason why there's so many of us online everywhere, is that WE ARE NOT SOME ****ING BEGGERS WHO CAN'T AFFORD COMPUTERS (even though they cost like three times more here than in America. Not to mention the DSL prices. I pay about 75€ for my 512k/256k ADSL, you probably get 8 megs for the same price)

Sorry for the shouting, I just despise poor people and just thinking about them makes my blood boil.

P.S. I'm gonna moce to USA someday, so be aware!

Stefu · February 12, 2002, 15:51

I just despise poor people

I thought Piia-Noora Kauppi was a female!

O' well, there goes ANOTHER sexual fantasy...

tommi · February 12, 2002, 15:54

By the way, I know it was an insult when thay said it's like Minnesota here. Minnesota must suck.

And what the **** is with this ****ing board... I mean why do they make the **** words look like this F*** etc.

What's so bad about swearing... espesially saying ****... it's just so natural. In Finland swearing is part of our traditions.

Bugs ****ing Bunny · February 12, 2002, 15:56

Great! Let me add that to my list!

Finnish traditions.

1- Evil

2- Cruelty to animals

3- Lying about Santa

4- Swearing.

tommi · February 12, 2002, 15:57

sorry about the typos... and what's that about Piia-Noora Kauppi...

Stefu · February 12, 2002, 15:58

Oh, there's an easy way to get around it. **** ****ety **** **** ****!

The trick here is this:

Fuck, and replace <'s in that with ['s and >'s with ]'s. Mods won't do a thing unless you go hogwild.

Or, you can come to Suomithreadi and vittu kiroilla niinkuin suomalaisen perkele tuleekin kiroilla jumalauta saatana.

Matias83- · February 12, 2002, 16:05

Noni johan sitä sai perkele venata että kieli vaihtuu suomeks . Ei vittu näitten engelsmannien kanssa ne tajua mistään mitään . Suomi on maailman paras paikka ja muu maailma saa haistaa pitkän paskan .

Sitäpaitti joulupukki on suomesta.

And those that dont speak finnish .. you dont want to know what i just wrote.

Kassiopeia · February 12, 2002, 16:07

Tänne, Suomithreadi! Siellä puhutaan vain ja ainoastaan suomea.

Hyvä Janne Lahtela!

Thank you Bugs! You are bringing more and more Finns to the light!

Bugs ****ing Bunny · February 12, 2002, 16:12

If you really want to attract Finns, just jump in front of a bus. They'll swarm around your mangled corpse like enraged bees, laughing and pointing whilst clutching their private parts in excitement.

Mika83 · February 12, 2002, 16:20

Syvä iskumme on, viha voittamaton,
meil' armoa ei kotimaata.
Koko onnemme kalpamme kärjessä on,
ei rintamme heltyä saata.
Sotahuutomme hurmaten maalle soi,
mi katkovi kahleitansa.
Ei ennen uhmamme uupua voi,
kuin vapaa on Suomen kansa.
Ei ennen uhmamme uupua voi,
kuin vapaa on Suomen kansa.

-Jean Sibelius - Jääkärimarssi-

SUOMI FINLAND PERKELE !!!

Suomi rox!