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So, tomorrow morning, 10:30AM GMT +2 is my check up.
Facts: If it is OK, it means that survival time without reoccurrence reaches 4 years in NYE. So two more to go and I've officially escaped the stats.
I reckon after tomorrow, I will consider myself cancer free, finally. It has been one torturous journey. Life goes on a total hold for a while. Bad news means new treatments, sick leave, losing my license, I'd prolly have to sell my house, end of my career and early retirement with low pension till death. At first, I already thought I would die. So I accepted dying. Of course it was a big deal, but emotionally I was ready for it.
Now? I've got hope, and I do not want to go back to that path again. There is no realistic uphill battle to be won. Never say never, but let's just say it would look bad. Worse than before. So I am very, very afraid. Scared beyond belief. The pressure is so tremendous, that breathing is difficult, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep.
I went for a few beers with friends today. Just came back. It was extremely nice, everyone showed up who I invited, so that was 10, myself and my girlfriend. I wanted to introduce my girlfriend to my friends and it was so nice to see that they liked her a lot and she genuinely liked them. I guess that's usually the case, as your friends are kind of what you are like, I think. My friends really liked her also, because she is coming with me tomorrow for support. Even that aside, they still liked her. Lots of common interests. We share the same kind of cultural references and are all easy-going. I felt good, that solifides the relationship. And her friends like me, and I like them as well.
Her parents sent me a word for support and her Mum will pray for me. I am not much of a religious person, but it did touch me and meant a lot that she would do that. So I've got her and probably her Dad in Australia, and I've got my Mom in States, so basically global prayers are sent. I'm likely to go on a Youtube binge, just to survive the night myself. Her Dad might come over in September, and we'll go out together. So that's something to look forward to. I've never really looked forward seeing parents (sorry), but I really look forward seeing her Dad again, he's awesome and we hit it off from the bat. I really think so much about her and I put my guard down today completely, because the pressure is just too much to remain tough. All my friends were cool but also serious when leaving. I have doctor friends and people specialising in neurology, so they kind of know exactly what the deal is. They were visibly worried, though rooting for me. So they understand the fear part quite well, they see it every day in work, and know it is not a joke, but torture.
I've had different strategies in the past. I've tried to remain calm, while the inside burns like a wildfire. That worked for a while, as the cool exterior loops back inside, signalling it's OK, if fails, repeat until works. after all these years, I am too tired for that old process. I just want to put down my cloak and let it go. I want good news, I am prepared to die though. I've got no idea what I'm going to do if the bad news hit. I have kids, but no wife, so I live alone. I've got the best gf ever, but if I was ill again, I would not expect her to stay strong with me. Would not drive her away - but I am realistic as well. It would be unfair for her to hang on to me. So it's her choice. So much to lose. So much to gain as well. Stakes are too high.
Waiting for the result of death or life is horrible. I wish it was over already. I've done this for too long now. Too long. It is painstaking to prepare to die every 3 months. I find it impossible to go there to just get the results and not prepare for the worst, mentally. At least I don't have to go alone this time.
I've also got the kids now. So in case bad news, I still have to pick them up from day care and spend the rest of the week with them; granted I'd get sick leave from that day onward, but it's just... unbearable thought. On the flipside, if the news are good, then woohoo! My gf is making this more bearable, she was very warm and intimate today, kept rubbing my neck and did all the things to make me feel relaxed and it worked. Sent me a pic of her with her cat as well. She's a keeper for sure. I don't know what I did to deserve this goodness. So glad I am divorced. So glad.
She knew exactly what to say when we talked about tomorrow. I asked if she would celebrate the good results, after she gets off from work, or if bad news, just hang out. She said, "well... I can't promise I'll be energetic after 8PM or so but come to my place and we'll ..... regardless of the result". So that made me feel better
Wish me luck! It's on! It's a life or death situation, literally and once again.
Facts: If it is OK, it means that survival time without reoccurrence reaches 4 years in NYE. So two more to go and I've officially escaped the stats.
I reckon after tomorrow, I will consider myself cancer free, finally. It has been one torturous journey. Life goes on a total hold for a while. Bad news means new treatments, sick leave, losing my license, I'd prolly have to sell my house, end of my career and early retirement with low pension till death. At first, I already thought I would die. So I accepted dying. Of course it was a big deal, but emotionally I was ready for it.
Now? I've got hope, and I do not want to go back to that path again. There is no realistic uphill battle to be won. Never say never, but let's just say it would look bad. Worse than before. So I am very, very afraid. Scared beyond belief. The pressure is so tremendous, that breathing is difficult, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep.
I went for a few beers with friends today. Just came back. It was extremely nice, everyone showed up who I invited, so that was 10, myself and my girlfriend. I wanted to introduce my girlfriend to my friends and it was so nice to see that they liked her a lot and she genuinely liked them. I guess that's usually the case, as your friends are kind of what you are like, I think. My friends really liked her also, because she is coming with me tomorrow for support. Even that aside, they still liked her. Lots of common interests. We share the same kind of cultural references and are all easy-going. I felt good, that solifides the relationship. And her friends like me, and I like them as well.
Her parents sent me a word for support and her Mum will pray for me. I am not much of a religious person, but it did touch me and meant a lot that she would do that. So I've got her and probably her Dad in Australia, and I've got my Mom in States, so basically global prayers are sent. I'm likely to go on a Youtube binge, just to survive the night myself. Her Dad might come over in September, and we'll go out together. So that's something to look forward to. I've never really looked forward seeing parents (sorry), but I really look forward seeing her Dad again, he's awesome and we hit it off from the bat. I really think so much about her and I put my guard down today completely, because the pressure is just too much to remain tough. All my friends were cool but also serious when leaving. I have doctor friends and people specialising in neurology, so they kind of know exactly what the deal is. They were visibly worried, though rooting for me. So they understand the fear part quite well, they see it every day in work, and know it is not a joke, but torture.
I've had different strategies in the past. I've tried to remain calm, while the inside burns like a wildfire. That worked for a while, as the cool exterior loops back inside, signalling it's OK, if fails, repeat until works. after all these years, I am too tired for that old process. I just want to put down my cloak and let it go. I want good news, I am prepared to die though. I've got no idea what I'm going to do if the bad news hit. I have kids, but no wife, so I live alone. I've got the best gf ever, but if I was ill again, I would not expect her to stay strong with me. Would not drive her away - but I am realistic as well. It would be unfair for her to hang on to me. So it's her choice. So much to lose. So much to gain as well. Stakes are too high.
Waiting for the result of death or life is horrible. I wish it was over already. I've done this for too long now. Too long. It is painstaking to prepare to die every 3 months. I find it impossible to go there to just get the results and not prepare for the worst, mentally. At least I don't have to go alone this time.
I've also got the kids now. So in case bad news, I still have to pick them up from day care and spend the rest of the week with them; granted I'd get sick leave from that day onward, but it's just... unbearable thought. On the flipside, if the news are good, then woohoo! My gf is making this more bearable, she was very warm and intimate today, kept rubbing my neck and did all the things to make me feel relaxed and it worked. Sent me a pic of her with her cat as well. She's a keeper for sure. I don't know what I did to deserve this goodness. So glad I am divorced. So glad.
She knew exactly what to say when we talked about tomorrow. I asked if she would celebrate the good results, after she gets off from work, or if bad news, just hang out. She said, "well... I can't promise I'll be energetic after 8PM or so but come to my place and we'll ..... regardless of the result". So that made me feel better
Wish me luck! It's on! It's a life or death situation, literally and once again.
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