maybe a bit depressed

[pchang]

Let that be a lesson to turn off automatic updates. Anyway, when all else fails just spam everything you see with random RSTs as fast as you can.

[Pekka]

So suddenly things just worked out, at least some parts.

First off, it is now official, that my gf is my gf. We were sort of in the "we are dating" scenario for ages. I considered her my girlfriend but was not sure if she consideres me her boyfriend, as in we are together. So now we know. We were supposed to go out tonight to check out this restaurant for a fancy dinner. It turned out their restaurant part was seasonal and closed already but we tried another place, and that was fully booked. Cool, decided that we'll just take it easy at hers.

Just as I was hopping to the train I get a msg saying she is feeling grumpy due to many reasons (legit ones). But she said she'd be happy to have me over regardless, get out of the funk. But probably won't be the best night ever. But she was in a good mood when I arrived, and we had a great time. Perhaps the best so far. Then, she suddenly asked me if I would come over for a trip to a cottage next weekend. Of course I said yes. We talked about our nearing trip to London and how great it will be, we'll meet some of her friends in there. Talked a lot and she said she wants to do the PCT with me, and it's a must if we have not killed each other by then. Very future oriented stuff. And that she's into me a whole lot, but that she is not madly in love with me, but keeps an open heart. Cool, I'll take that! Did not expect her to be madly in love with me. She then went on to explain how she really loves the time we have and she wants to have them in the future, etc etc. Openly discussed about so many things we have successfully avoided so far. I think she has been a bit afraid to discuss these things, but so have I.

But the best part, she asked if she could join me to my August doctors appointment. She said she would like to come with me, and that's cool because I really have no one else to go with and it's scary. She said she will take the day off, so we can celebrate after, and if it's bad news, she can take it, she is a doctor after all and we can go and get drunk. That felt surprisingly awesome. So now I don't worry about that at all. And the night before, she would love to come and spend the night with my friends and meet them.

So, finally, after months and months, I actually _know_ and can officially and once in for all not guess around, we are an item, and I do like her a lot. She gave me a great bday present as well. She had bought me these really good quality knives for my Helsinki apartment. I know those knives, and I know they are expensive, too. Really, really appreciate the gift. She also paid for the whole day, two meals, drinks, everything. So not only do I feel secure about her, the whole thing with her moving to another city for a year does not bother me. I really wanted to sort this out this summer as I was sort of hanging in there, and so now I know and feel great relief.

She made it clear in her own way that this is enough, she enjoys what we have. I was so happy to hear all those things that I just shut my mouth, but next time I will let her know that I feel exactly and precisely the same way. I do not know how the hell this gorgeous, funny and very intelligent doctor lady agreed to be my girlfriend, but I do not oppose at all. I simply could not do any better in this regard. How do you beat that? And finally, she gave me a compliment on my personality as well, saying I am very easygoing, easy to be around with. Which is what most people find to be true, and I think I am. To me, that says that she feels good around me and has good times - and isn't that what it's about anyway? We can have those silly madly things later, for now, we should just focus on good times. And this was officially the first time she invited me to a longer weekend with her. Plus, she was a bit apologetic of not inviting me to stay over (something I've wanted to do for some while, we've done it before but lately she has kicked me out, politely), but she also had a very legit reason for that, referring to what happened in the morning, that made her grumpy. She kept repeating and for some reason thanking me that I came over. How it was not a ****ty day after all, but in fact a great day, happy day.

I am definitely out of my funk for the time being. Missing the kids, sure. I felt a bit under appreciated for my work stuff, but I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am a passionate guy. I give everything, not just 8 hours a day. The rewards were not coming in, so I felt as if no one understand the contributions, and I just do not feel to point them out. I let other people make their presentations as to how great they are doing and expect the results to speak for themselves. Sometimes it is difficult as those things are not visible, at least to non-technical people. But our chief of cyber guy talked to me over 4 hours yesterday (I know him very well) and he implied he will not let me go, and he will talk to the CIO and make those contributions known, so we can get more degrees of freedom for the future - and trust.

So what is not to love? I still got my health, I have my Dr. girlfriend to support me for my next check up, the kids are healthy, it's still summer, I have at least 3 trips coming up soon that I know of, my job things are going to the right direction for the moment and I am beefing up in the whole career thing to be ready for the next move for the future. I think I'll be doing some exciting stuff that involves interesting people. But we see, it's money vs. impact. I might go for the money though, as the impact part would make me part of organisations that I am not particularly fond of. I could make a difference, but I could also enjoy life and work for a commercial company. We'll see, but for now, I'll eat some pizza and binge on entertainment.

and yes I had great sex today.

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

my Dr. girlfriend

If you are not familiar with The Venture Brothers and did not say that on purpose, you must run, not walk, to google "Dr. Girlfriend" and watch some videos - she is full of win and awesome, as I gather your your lady fair is, if surely with a somewhat more melodious speaking voice.

[Pekka]

If you are not familiar with The Venture Brothers and did not say that on purpose, you must run, not walk, to google "Dr. Girlfriend" and watch some videos - she is full of win and awesome, as I gather your your lady fair is, if surely with a somewhat more melodious speaking voice.

Not familiar. Checked out first 5 minutes from the first episode and I think I'll be into this show! Saving it for later.

Drying my clothes, be going to my Dr. girlfriend's summer cottage for the weekend. Awesome. Just me, her and her two cats. I'd say it's bonding time, and I'm taking the stinger with me (whip). We like the stinger. Her whip is way too small.

Getting over the hump. I was way too tired. Even this week, I think I overslept. But I was out by 6PM every day. Awake, but not really. I was afraid if this is a sign of reoccuring tumor (my symptom is tiredness), but yesterday I felt completely fine as I do today.

Life is winning again. I've been going about thinkign the past 4 years a lot. I did tell you guys how my ex wife did not come to my treatments with me, right?

In case I did not, I went to my treatments alone. It is kind of disappointing. I know she was too busy cheating, but still it would have been humane to stop for a while, come to the treatments with me and continue cheating AFTER I was dead. Yes?

My mom came to my first check up which was supposed to be bad news. The news where we get to know it'll be a month or two left. But it was good news. So now, I've gone there alone since, as I was divorced and not really in a relationship with anyone. I was not going to invite her to come with me, a bit iffy about how people feel about that. So when she suggested that she should take a day off and come with me, well.... that's a new change and I feel great about that. I had bunch of dates before I met her, and they all but one ditched me fast when they found out about my medical history. Did boost my confidence. I figured I was sort of doomed. Who would want a relationship with me? Well, turns out the best of them all did. And not the best because she agreed, but best on paper as well. The prettiest, most intelligent, best job having and most interesting one did This weekend wil be the first one ever where I go with someone I am actually starting to trust in this sense. Finally, after a few years, I got someone on my corner. That's all I was looking for anyway. Not necessarily mad insane love; someone reliable. Reliable and fun. All the rest is a bonus - but what a huge bonus with her.

I have not told her my story, she knows the facts, but I think I'll let her know tonight. She said last time that she spoke to her friends about us and how I don't like to talk about my ex wife too much. That is good. I've been pouring that crap story too much. She deserves to know, and then she will be able to understand my heightened need for intimacy and also why some things are an instant turn off, and how much I really appreciate her coming in for me to the check up.

OH! And next weekend at this time, we will be in London! Getting ready for the musical, "kinky boots". Got us the tix while in London few weeks ago. At this time, we'll be doing a pre-dinner thing with her friend and her husband. Which reminds me, I better get me some proper shoes. I have few good pairs but the best ones are kind of small (my feet got bigger after I've been walking a lot), the second best are a bit damaged. Damn. Oh well, it'll be worth it. Bringing the stinger to London as well, hopefully they will ask me to open up my carry-on luggage, it'll be a total fight club scene Isn't it strange how the worst things in life might end up being the best things that ever happened to you? I might have been talking earlier how she is going to another city for the next year, and I'd want to know our status as to if I wait or no. Of course I wanted to wait. So now I will Now, packing, listening to music, coffee and some interneting. Will be a good one, one to remember. Uh! Maybe some bubbly to go along the way, and gin. We make kick ass gin&tonic. All the foods are excellent, think of an obsessed foodie with freakish palette with experience. So I eat like a king. Only have to do the chopping. That's my role, chopping and eating.

Have a good weekend you all! Weekend strong.

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

Just remember that happiness is not what you have; it's what you think.

-And based mostly on seeing a lot of pics of your blistered feet on Facebook over the last year+, I'd urge you to think about pacing yourself - as long as the cancer checkups come in clean, there's no reason to burn yourself out. Pace yourself, pal, make some restful quiet time here and there, and you might find the moods steady out. I'm just guessing, but a person needs recharge time...

[Pekka]

Just remember that happiness is not what you have; it's what you think.

-And based mostly on seeing a lot of pics of your blistered feet on Facebook over the last year+, I'd urge you to think about pacing yourself - as long as the cancer checkups come in clean, there's no reason to burn yourself out. Pace yourself, pal, make some restful quiet time here and there, and you might find the moods steady out. I'm just guessing, but a person needs recharge time...

Wise words My big toe nail is coming off like right now. It's a bit painful.

I guess I am on some extremely uncomfortable areas emotionally. The weekend was good. Again, on paper. But I feel horribly ****ty. We had fun, met bunch of her friends (who are also childhood friends of her ex-husband). A bit intimidating. But I survived and we had a good laugh. I think they liked me. At least I liked them. And so I was the official boyfriend and they were "interrogating" me with good humor. So in some sense it is very official.

But I still feel ****ty. For a very small reason that I should not even ***** about. We had to leave the cottage early and that was fine. But the whole way back she was just remembering her old boyfriends and how she was madly in love with them. That is OK, but that was ALL she talked about. I could interpret that as a good thing, on paper she is going through old stuff as I am the "new stuff". Maybe that puts her through the ringer of the past. She was extremely non-physical the whole weekend, as in no kisses, no nothing. Though we were in her ex-hubbies fathers cottage, so that plays a huge part. Would have been weird. Still, felt a bit left outside.

The REAL reason I feel **** is because she said, in particular, that she will get the day off for the 15th to support me for the check up. She suggested it. Now she is again wondering if she comes or not. She knows how much it means to me and I told her that my mom is in the states so I have no one to come with me. It would have been better if she had not promised at all if she was not sure. Or at least come clean that she is feeling uneasy about it. For a whole call off though? I think that is really cruel. But we'll see. Obviously I am exaggarating and going for the worst possible outcome (which is the uncomfortable areas part). She did promise, only a week ago to do that. And as I said yesterday that it means a lot to have her as support, she suddenly turned very quiet and did no say anything for what seemed like 5 minutes and directed the whole discussion to another topic. Sure - she could find it very stressful as well, maybe a sign of liking. Then again, she might find it too stressful and go cold on me again. I sent her the time and address if she is able to come, so we'll see. It is often a series of disappointments that bothers me. She literally said how we should come home early and make the food for today after we return. Once we returned, and we carried the stuff together, without saying anything she was kind of "leave now please". Surely, tiredness. Regardless that kind of thing makes me feel a bit ****ty. I was expecting a nice lunch, hungry as hell and that was her idea. I find that most of her ideas she often cancels on, but fails to let me know. And that is a pattern of poor social skills. She knew the whole way in we would not be eating. Buuut I guess that is how it goes. Like said, I am just *****ing too much, but if I say something - I keep my word.I don't let people into thinking something and bail on them later. If I do, I will apologise and explain why. I rarely have to because it would be a rare occasion where I cancel on something that was my own idea to begin with. A bit pissed off. And hungry, drove 3 hours back. I think she is into me, but is not really looking for a relationship with me in the way that I am. If I was tired, I'd most likely offer the other one to sleep with me, or the very least the couch, or say sorry but I am a bit tired. It is a bit rude in my books.

So the question now is not is she my gf or not, but is my gf unappreciative or am I too sensitive, or both. It's all possible. She acts differently when her other friends are around though. Kind of treats me better. Which is weird. OK I'm tired, over and out.

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

Tired will do that.

Sorta a thing I'm getting at, and this is good entry-level Taoism as a self-help philosophy, is that there are times when the universe makes it easy to be happy and times that it definitely does not -and I've just had a week of the not myself- and we need to strive to focus our attention on the good things in our reach, and choose to be happy as much as we can manage -and not be down on ourselves for feeling down when it can't be helped. You do what you can about the girlfriend, but we simply cannot afford to entrust our happiness entirely to anything but ourselves, any particular good thing or person in your life having the potential to go away on you w/o notice. The Lord gives and takes away, y'know? -And generally gives again, if only you notice.

I cannot claim great logical rigor for this position, but talking my inner child into believing it helps. And you certainly can't tell your brain to stop obsessively thing about worrying about something - but sometimes you can try to think about something you like and your mind likes dwelling on -I fantasize about flying in space a lot at night when my brain's trying to obsess about unsolvable problems, and it works, sometimes, and let's me sleep- and --- depression is less something you find a solution for than a thing you learn to cope with; it's a process. I'm still working on it, and probably always will be.

But the sky out my window as I type this is a beautiful color, and that's a fact.

[Pekka]

Tired will do that.

Sorta a thing I'm getting at, and this is good entry-level Taoism as a self-help philosophy, is that there are times when the universe makes it easy to be happy and times that it definitely does not -and I've just had a week of the not myself- and we need to strive to focus our attention on the good things in our reach, and choose to be happy as much as we can manage -and not be down on ourselves for feeling down when it can't be helped. You do what you can about the girlfriend, but we simply cannot afford to entrust our happiness entirely to anything but ourselves, any particular good thing or person in your life having the potential to go away on you w/o notice. The Lord gives and takes away, y'know? -And generally gives again, if only you notice.

I cannot claim great logical rigor for this position, but talking my inner child into believing it helps. And you certainly can't tell your brain to stop obsessively thing about worrying about something - but sometimes you can try to think about something you like and your mind likes dwelling on -I fantasize about flying in space a lot at night when my brain's trying to obsess about unsolvable problems, and it works, sometimes, and let's me sleep- and --- depression is less something you find a solution for than a thing you learn to cope with; it's a process. I'm still working on it, and probably always will be.

But the sky out my window as I type this is a beautiful color, and that's a fact.

I re-read my own post and sighed. Lots of non-sense but I would summarise being tired - very very tired. I have a thick skin (usually, or used to) and now I am so easily offended, to the core. I let it go, but from things that are sometimes good critique, too.

I re-visited what I found so weary today and just figured that it's me and my own tiredness. I KNOW how irritating it can be when someone is being like I am ATM. my ex-wife was that for a decade. It exhausted me to no end. co-dependent in all ways, financial and emotional. The emotional part was horror. I do not want to do that to someone else.

I must rest this week as much as possible, we will be going to London for the coming Fri-Tue. So that's cool. And to Barcelona in November. I reckon I'll make her meet my mom when she comes back home. Would I feel secure then? There is no measurement, but rest will help. AND I need to fall back to my routine. I survived divorce and cancer with routine. Rigorous diet, exercise and sleep. Now? I kind of let that part go. And things are very different. Has to be a clue.

[Bereta_Eder]

Pekka,
sing the porilaisten marrsi to gain strength

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

I'll tel you, Pekka, one of the things I figured out in the mid-90s -when I was hitting rock bottom and had to figure out how to turn my head around before I had to but a bullet through it- was that I'd been too doggone macho for my own good. I am strong, and I can. take. a. LOT - and I hadn't been counting the emotional cost, and it was too high. I was just trying to beat all my problems with strength and cleverness and toughness, and not picking my battles and failing to dodge too many bullets I could have.

Man, these days -not for every little annoyance in life, but the crap that doesn't involve duty to others or an important payoff- I run from whole classes of irritation like the biggest coward ever born, and I do it with my head held high. Be strong and tough for the kids, you know, always, but stuff that's just you? Vote with you feet at that store where they're kind of rude - life's too short. Be good to Dr. Girlfriend for all the obvious reasons, but be careful about going all in on pinning happiness on just her. DO that boring routine, YES! Having steady things in your life and a little regular boring time to recharge is good for you. Pick your battles. Choose simplicity of arrangements where you can, so you have the physical and emotional energy left for the opportunities that come your way and the uncertainties that can't be eliminated.

Don't stop those feet-mangling charity walks, either -accomplishing great things and being a public hero matters and is good for you- just, not every single opportunity to do that. A truly useless weekend, with nothing to show for it Monday morning but rest, here and there is good for you, too. Pick your battles and fight them smart instead of hard when you can.

The Tao is not in what you have; it's in what you do with it.

[Dinner]

I have been feeling like I am in a bit of a rut lately too.

[ZEE]

That's because you are really fat and your fat rolls jiggle around and you have rolls of fat under your chin.

[Pekka]

I am being good to the lovely Dr. It's just very difficult, just for example the amoutn of communication is impossible. Say, I sent a message to her today. She replies "No talky, except after gym maybe". OK. This is OK, but happens at least once a week. And never any reason as to why she is in a funk. I get worried. I say I get worried and that is somehow wrong. That would be the biggest thing that annoys me and worries me. The amount of comm is so low. We were supposed to agree on London stuff, but she is complete mute, again. I don't go on conspiracy theories why that is, but I figure she is in a real dilemma and cannot let go of her ex-husband, and still she insists she could never take him back. Which is absolutely true, but I just think she has not gotten over him. I've soon waited for a year, and there is no end in sight. If I express any deeper feelings for her, or care, she goes 180 in a second and turns cold. A true hot/cold person. Really difficult to deal with.

Someone said in another thread is that something I want to deal with in the long run? No. If she thinks of me as her boyfriend, she could talk in complete sentences. She acts like a pissed of guy sometimes with shorter than short communications with no elaboration and if I ask if she cares to elaborate, she is at least honest in saying "No." And that is the end of it. I see there are two alternatives: 1) She is afraid and on the edge of going deeper with me or 2) she is unstable and/or playing games.

unfortunately due to her high IQ, i cannot tell which. Again, on paper everything looks good. So I keep on following. Now it's difficult to just break up from my side, as I have deep feelings for her. When I bring this up, in no time has the discussion diverted into a whole other topic. I feel like I am dating a man sometimes. A very beautiful man.

[rah]

My only advice is DON"T OVERTHINK IT.
Relationships rarely are "LOGICAL"

[Pekka]

Well I just got another message saying she does not want to talk now. Took only 4 hours to reply. I am not sure what her deal is. She seems to get distressed from small things and that leaves her in a rut, and in that condition, it's not like she is very nice. I've seen her act extremely immaturely, I guess that is a trade off from high IQ.

The conflicted part is the other side, the warmth that is now more prevalent. I guess she goes up/down. But so do I. I also elaborate and say how it is, and try to be polite about it. That is our difference. We'll see, London will prove me a lot. It's 5 days of good stuff. I really hope she won't turn really cold on me. In that state, no hugs, no kisses, nothing. And forget sex. Then I get to sleep alone. Then again, is that not kind of the norm these days? Things happen. She is battling with something, I am just not sure what that is. I know she still likes me a lot though.