Said NO to top management

[pchang]

Not exactly no. I have told them plenty of things they did not want to hear. Your type of "no" happens everyone someone quits as opposed to getting fired.

[Jon Miller]

Top management for me is the science ministry of Chile.

My interaction with them is basically writing grants and reports.

They can decide not to give me the grant, even if promised, at any given year.

JM

[Pekka]

rah,

I have leverage. My boss said he would give me a raise if we had the possibility to do so (we have frozen our salaries for the time being, it is a fact), and looked for manager positions for me but we have none available. I would get the next one, just not sure if I am excited about it. Manager in our place means something very boring. The pay raise would not be that big, I already make more than doctors (that is not saying much in here, though). Even my boss' boss does nto make double. In short, they do not make 10k a month. This is my reasoning as why I should stay as an expert in here, be more free, and make a move abroad for the manager thing where salaries are better, so the trade off is more rewarding. The only incentive I have, for now, is to make things work. Or watch them rot. So you could say money is not the only factor. It is important, but since I already hit the higher end of scale, I am getting bored.

Yes, I might get a bit obsessed when stuff is _wrong_ and it could be _right_. But it comes with a great cost. On the plus side, I could say I fixed it. From start to finish. This is not just programming work, this is measuring how much money the group spends from licensing to manpower, to infrastructure cost to service cost on a monthly basis, how it is projected to go and what we are getting with it, to finding out whose problem it is in the future, to persuading them to take notice (failed at this for a long time), coming up with a solution and a plan to go forward, to find the actual people to do it, and a budget to pay for it, and then do it and see through it and get hands dirty. This whole end-to-end service did not exist before. It will cost millions of euros. But it will also save at least a few one in return. The solution is very elegant and simple. Its effects has a trickle down effect on software development, architecture, infosec, business analytis, and forensics to start with. It will deal with testing and deploying 4 new tools, that are going to cost around 2-3 million euros each year. We will need to do network segmentation because of it. So are there no competent people? Of course there are. But they were lead by less competent people and did not have the willingness to let them know how to do it. Also, a lot of competent people do not follow or network enough to know there are multiple ways to accomplish things. A product seldom does it. This deals with file systems, from components to software. And not having the luxury to build it from scratch, but to do a multi-phase thing where you need to prototype your solution versus the old one, show it is superior, have something working in between transition and then transition. This service is critical and permanent.

Plus side: a huge victory to be had, negative side: it still does not matter much. A hand shake is not exactly going to pay for all the trouble, and it is not going to make up time for being tired when I could be with the kids. So that is why I said no. I _could_ do it but I don't like to be all tired and sort of out of it when the kids need attention and take energy as well. Girl is 5 (soon 6) and son is 4. So yeah, they require attention, and deserve it. A tired dad won't do. Been tired for too long. This is the time to take a break. Been thinking of taking a longer break, maybe 2-3 months. Or get less responsibilities. We are dropping out like flies in our place; my colleague is now very tired (personal crisis and workload), so I am going to let him sleep at my place. I have my house and I rent one so one is free, he gets to be there when he needs space and time.

At least the doctor called me today and asked if I want more visits with the psychologist and I said yes. He was the chief of doctors and we need his permit, did not even bother to ask me anything more. I've gone over some limit of exhaustion that I just don't recover so well and being tired too much of the time. Don't really feel happiness much. Suppose it is natural to hope for a "new start", but what good would it do? Need to fix things in the now and the present before anything new. Those things are not at the work place, except for the part that I work too damn much. But I still like my domain. Just not the lack of proggressive action or thought. Very old school.

[Ben Kenobi]

Pekka, you want a legacy? This is it. You should finish what you started. Ask if you can take a shorter break and still see the project through. Is there anything that absolutely must be done or the project will fail if you are not there putting in these hours now?

[Pekka]

BK, I agree. I will arrange so I get the break and finish the job. It will be a great one in resume, and everyone will understand when I depart, and I will leave in good terms. Probably get good recommendation as well. It would bother me forever to let it rot. But kids do come first.

Anyway, so I am a repeat offender. As I was napping, tired as can be, I get a message from my crush. She asks what I'm doing tonight. I reply "nothing, kid free, suggestions?". I wanted to answer because well, I do have a crush on her and she NEVER intiates a date. She has intiated exatly three dates out of probably 20 or 30. Now she did, asked me to see a movie with her Dad. Last opportunity to meet Dad, and I wanted to see X-Men anyway, and she paid for all of it. Of course I said "yes". Out of respect for her Dad, since I already met her Mum as well. Not going would have been a bit rude. She has not done anything evil to me in a long time, just has been a bit passive. Meaning I initiate all the dates and sometimes she is a bit on the rude side to my taste. Or blunt, honest. Indecisive. But now I am sure I am the top candidate for a relationship in her mind, as she has introduced me to all of her family. She never said she would introduce me to her Dad, in fact I thought I would not get the opporunity. So I went and we had a blast. ALl of us. Her Dad was great. I think he liked me. Dad's always do. Despite my foul language in here, I am actually respectful person with good manners and respectful job and all. So if you're looking out for your daughter, which every dad does, then I am in the good side.

She wasl also way more affectionate. And sort of excited. Been that way before, but not in the public. Also, she suggested a new date for next Friday, which she never does, I always ask for the next date before the date ends. I assumed it probably won't happen for some weeks, but she made sure in time to ask me out on Friday, in case she is not dead tired from her 24hour shift. But we've had few dates after her 24h shift, filled with adrenaline, she'll last few hours and cannot sleep. So most likely some food at her place, then I am off. If not, then probably out on the next Saturday. I could also ask her out for the next day when she wakes up. She is leaving for a vacation trip on the 7th, so she clearly wants to spend time before that. And she wants to go on that hiking trip (to Norway) with me on July.

I am a bit confused. If I look at it objectively, it just might be that it is me who is doing all the yoyo-thing here, inside my own head. She has always been like this, a bit distant. I go immediately to the one night she was rude, and remember only that. Instead of remembering 7 months of good times. If I look at the actions, not just words, then things are progressing. I think surely she will make herself understood during this summer.

Maybe others got tired of her ****. I don't know. As time has passed, I have grown more confident, and she has seen that I actually do what I say. Most of it is outrageous, like last Sunday I walked 100km for fundraising. I told that on our second date that I will do it on June. Or what I do for a living. Been a bit ambivalent about it, but I do more than just daily banking. Do not publicly talk about it too much, and is not very interesting, except if you are a geek (she is) and it means more for geeks.Maybe she did not even believe me, that I was bull****ting her. But I was not, and now she is learning my good sides; go-getter, and does what one likes. And that I am still healthy. And that I have other options as well, not hanging on to her by force. Speculation, but if I look at it from the positive side, then things are going just well.

First time she told me out loud "I would still like you a lot" referring to something she thinks I am going to do that she is not a fan of. Kept on leaning toward me and then her dad, and then me, back and forth. Maybe it is not a big deal to talk about the next date in front of a parent for some, but to her it is. Public show of affection is really difficult for her. So yes, I was even a bit surprised, and even impressed. We always have a great time when it's just the two of us anyway. Have I changed something in my own behaviour? Probably. I am way more confident with her now. I am thinking maybe I have the problem. The inability to juggle between is this going to work and is it not. This can change within an hour. And in a way, I have never caught her from a lie. Not that I would try, but she seems very honest. Also between action and words. I was a bit pissed off when we went out with her friends the first time and I had to introduce myself, as I was nervous of course. And there were like 10 of them. Now she was nothing like that, very friendly, intoducing, warm smiles, hugs, touches, funny, bantering, just a lot of fun. Then again, I knew she would still date me anyway. I don't know what to do.

[pchang]

There are women out there who only want you when you don't want them. The more aloof you are, the harder they try. Then, when you show interest, they lose interest. It seems as though their goal in life is to collect admirers.

[Pekka]

There are women out there who only want you when you don't want them. The more aloof you are, the harder they try. Then, when you show interest, they lose interest. It seems as though their goal in life is to collect admirers.

This is very true. So, I am not limiting myself to her anymore, I have three dates coming up for June. Interesting ones. I consider myself dating. I won't jump into bed, but not because of her. Because I am dating and I like to say that I am jstu dating and not having sex with others.

It is now confirmed she wants to go for that longer hike with me and is arranging free days from work. This would be quite soon though, say 6 weeks from now and we'll go out a couple of times in between. Hiking is my passion, so I really want to go regardless. I would, at this point, just go for it. The alternative is to not hike. Or to hike alone. The trail is epic and I know she will love it. I am not so sure why I am so attached to her. I guess since going out for 7 months, things grow onto yourself. It is now familiar, relaxed, yet fun. At worst, it will be 6 weeks of not starting any relationships, and just having fun and she does not want a relationship. It is very definitive no, then. After that, we've gone out for almost a year, had few trips together, and so it is time.

[Pekka]

So, saying NO to top management is paying off. They finally got the message. My vacation started and I don't have to come back for at least a month. I'll get some days off for August as well, and go hiking with my crush.

Things are finally going well with her. Going out tonight on a couple we know and who are fun. Saw her on Friday for a picnic, then Saturday as well, spent the whole day with her and it was really really fun and nice. She talked a lot, finally, and said how she has trust issues, and maybe I have them too. And that she really likes me a lot and is sort of distant, and before she would have been more all over me, calling all the time but she is "playing it cool", but she feels more than that. Then she went on a long story about how her Dad liked me, and how he never usually has liked any of her boyfriends, and he did not like his ex-husband much, either. But he liked me. (side note, did not know that, but I usually have that affect on dads, I am a dad myself, respectful, I never have problems with dads. Besides, we had fun talking about WWII). And that one of her friends likes me a lot as well and has thought about inviting me over. She is quite fun as well so I'd like that a lot. She made _excellent_ food, we talked a lot about everything, and that her only thing with me is that she is still to find flaws. Then she went on about her flaws, which I really did not find to be flaws at all. Everything makes sense to me now. The good part is, we have established a direct rapport, that was sort of not there for some time. She was worried that we were too compatible. That she is waiting for some sort of a personality flaw to come out. So definitely she is thinking the same things as I am. And so, things are, at least in my head, going to the right direction.

She goes on a UK trip tomorrow, and earlier suggested we could maybe go out on Sat. But did it Fri-Sat and today. Also, I was a bit worried that maybe she is into me treating her with the more expensive things in life. Turns out not to be true, she's been paying the last things for such a long time now that we are even. And she hasn't turned cold on me once. Quite the contrary. We seem to be hitting very obscure past cultural references all the time. I think that is the part that irks her. But then again, it is all true. My only worry is now that she is too afraid to sort of let herself go. So I must be patient. But I now have solid confirmation that we both feel the same, and both are sort of on the edge, having similar experiences. I would like things to go a bit faster but cannot be forced. She is definitely worth the wait though. And I am now 100 % certain she is not seeing other people, except for pure fun. She is probably going to join me for my Barcelona trip on November. So 3 trips coming up, one to Tallinn (I know the place very well and want to take her to eat to the better, less known places, and get her a nice dress from a place also not very known but just to her taste) and hiking in Norway (spectacular stuff), and then Barcelona when it's a crappy whether in here.

Also! Just happens to be that the Barcelona trip will be exactly 1 year from us first meeting up. It will be the latest when I will suggest we get more serious. In terms of figuring out how 2017 will work out. I will be in Estonia for the most of the time, and she will be in Lapland. Then again, what a perfect opportunity, as we would be BOTH away from Helsinki. Flying out isn't expensive so could have long weekends, Skype, all that stuff. I think it would strengthen everything. Missing would be insane but that's the way life goes. At least from my part. There is a definite connection in all levels at the moment. I am so glad I have not yet went out with all the women I might have. I could just devote the next year to advance work stuff, as she is doing with her being a doctor there for that 1 year, and then everything is open again. Me thinks this is a great opportunity for all parties involved. And yeah, my crush is starting to be really strong. Talked about what relationship means, and it is disturbing to say "I know, exactly" and nod all the time. Part of the whole "waiting for the flaws to come out". Honestly, I have not nodded just to agree. Maybe she is the strange to my weird. I hope so, and we're going out tonight! edit: I think we are in a relationship now, though it has not been verbalised. It needs no such thing IMO. Not like we'd be "in a relationship" on Facebook anyway. We already discussed the sort of rules in relationship, kind of "So when I get back from UK..." and the things that are a go and a no-go. And then agreed on it. So those would be all signifiers of relationship. I no longer consider myself single. And I do not need Facebook to tell me otherwise.In a beginning stage, at least. She is not the kind of a woman to move in, in any time soon. We already have our flats so we can just as well visit each other and sleep over if we want.

I'll keep saying no to top management in the meanwhile. Finally managed to turn on my auto-reply of "on vacation, return date not known yet, contact only in cases of emergency". I have too much vacation days left. Will NOT work.

[pchang]

Good news. Perhaps, she and her friend would be up for a 3-some?

[Pekka]

Good news. Perhaps, she and her friend would be up for a 3-some?

Well, she is a bi-sexual... and up for it.

Too bad she got a migraine tonight and had to cancel on all of us. Went out with the other couple though. It was a lot of fun. They're basically her friends. Had some _excellent_ food and went for a drink afterwards. I think that is the second best thing. She gets migraines sometimes, good thing she has medication for it that works. Probably for the best, she leaves to UK tomorrow for 2 weeks, does not make much sense to come on for an all-nighter just before that with a head ache. So... now I'll wait for two weeks, obviously send a message or two in between and plan our hike in between.

I surely miss her a lot. Difficult to explain. Most of you have been in love, or had a crush so you know. You feel like **** while waiting. Days seem long. But, when she comes back, we are both on our summer vacation still, so it'll be good times. And then, in no time, it is already time to go for the hike. Besides, time apart spices up everything, and I can arrange my flat into a better order, still missing some important stuff here. Ready to invite her over so we don't always have to hang out at her place. And we have a restaurant to go with its excellent menu, really looking forward. A menu first, then maybe my place for a new thing. I have to admit, I should use the time and get everything in order. 2 weeks is not that long of a time. And truly besides, I need to spend time with the kids. So that time is valuable.