Long distance relationships

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Vital question- have you seen her boobs yet?

[Dinner]

It is worth keeping on the back burner but don't pin all of your hopes and dreams on a long distance thing.

[Elok]

My wife and I started as an LDR. We'll be married six years in September. So yes, it can be very rewarding. Thankfully, you probably have the income to fly cross-country now and then. The rest of the time, instant messaging can do a lot--at least, it did for us. IM, phone calls, cards and letters, little presents just to say "thinking of you." That sort of thing. It doesn't sound like it necessarily needs to be a very long-term LDR. It could blow up horribly, of course, but that's true of any relationship, and IIUC you're in circumstances where mistakes won't totally **** you over long-term. You have skills that will let you land on your feet if you move to San Jose and find yourself out of love.

[pchang]

Yes. He could try hooking up with Mr. Fun.

[Sava]

It will only work if one or both of you are willing to move to make it happen.

[Sava]

Eventually, I mean. Sometimes circumstances are what they are.

[Ben Kenobi]

Today's question is, is it worth dealing with 2,400 miles of separation with no end in sight?

Lately I've been dating a certain young lady up here in Rochester who unfortunately is from San Jose, California. She's going back there in about 10 days; I'm going to Fairfax, Virginia around the same time. She wants to keep it going. I do too, but I'm uncertain about it.

Moreover, like me, she has a twin sister to whom she is equally attached and, despite not having a job, said twin seems unlikely to leave the Bay Area for the foreseeable future. My firm has an office in Oakland and I'm considering working out of there periodically. That might be prohibitively costly; there's no way I'm getting compensated on the travel expenses.

If your firm has an office in Oakland, I would investigate the possibilities of working there full time.

How long have you been together? Your answer will really decide whether or not I think you should pursue it. IF you think this is someone you want to be with forever, then yes, I'd take the steps of moving out to the Bay Area. If she's not, I'd advise moving on.

how to make it more manageable if anyone has them.

The first question you need to ask yourself is if this person and the relationship is worth it.

mostly you live a solitary life

This is the bad part of moving away from family to pursue this, so take this into consideration. If you're looking at a future separation in like a year, I would take the time you have and see what happens at the end. Talk with her - suss out whether she's willing to make a commitment to you if you go out to the Bay Area. Have a plan and have a timeline is my advice, but discuss this with each other so you both know the plan and the time limits. I really think this is the best way to go.

[SlowwHand]

Long distance relationships will ultimately fail.

[self biased]

i have some insight to share, but it's super late and i'm probably going to bed soon. hopefully future me will see this post and PM you said insight tomorrow.... or later today, as the case may technically be.

[SlowwHand]

As in, what not to do?

[Jon Miller]

My wife and I started dating Christmas of 2009 (in Sweden). We broke up over how serious I was getting and her concerns over the relationship becoming long distance (she was returning to South Africa) which she didn't want (my seriousness was somewhat a response to her concerns). We got back together shortly (not as seriously: for example, not physically) before she left Sweden but were not sure we would continue it (she left May 2010). I ended up falling more for her in the months we were separated and made the crazy flight to South Africa for a weekend in November. I made two more trips (one long) to South Africa before she made it to Canada to continue her job (Dec 2011). I was waiting for my visa at the time and so could spend a month with her, and we decided that we wanted to marry.

During all this time the distance was stressful and almost brought us to break up a few times.

She left her good job (May 2012) to marry me in Brussels (where I had very low pay). We are still recovering financially.

Obviously it ended up being worth it and wonderful, but it was difficult.

JM

[regexcellent]

Long distance relationships will ultimately fail.

My wife and I started as an LDR.

Obviously it ended up being worth it and wonderful, but it was difficult.

JM

Slowwy, I think the problem might be you.

[Ben Kenobi]

Slowwy has his reasons for that and I confirm it's got nothing to do with Slowwy.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Slowwy, I think the problem might be you.

To be fair, exceptions that prove the rule... LDRs are extremely difficult to manage.

Also both Elok and Jon Miller are very religious... so maybe it'll work if y'all both become Christians . (I realize this isn't the best way to evangelize, but I'm doing the best I can with what I've got here ).

[self biased]

i've been considering what experiences might be relevant, but ultimately reg, if jumping into a live volcano feels right; i say do it.

just about every serious relationship i've been in has had some sort of Long Distance factor to consider. I snidely say that i'm generally incapable of dating within my own area code. The woman i fell in love with, married, and had a child with initially lived two hours away from me. i've been in amazing relationships that were prohibitively long distance, and ****ty relationships that were local, and vice versa.

If you feel you can't, Don't. if you feel you can make it work even for a little while, make it work; at least for as long as you can. but communicate this to your partner. any relationship is a union that is greater than the sum of its parts. All good things usually come to an end, unless a profound amount of effort gets applied to force that good thing to continue along its trajectory.