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Yeah, I know I said I was going away for awhile. Turns out I'm a liar.
Somewhere around the end of middle school, beginning of high school, I held a knife to my throat and seriously contemplated ending it all. I eventually came to the conclusion that no one else could be worth my life (I was kind of obsessed with a classmate at the time), and that whatever I was feeling, suicide wasn't the solution. In fact, I promised myself that I wouldn't off myself. Every time I've had thoughts of suicide in the last 15 years or so, I've remembered that promise and, as you can see, continued to live. It may be the only promise I've never broken. I kind of always tell myself that promise is the reason I'm still alive. But odds are that's not true. Individuals who successfully go through with suicide generally have two common traits: suicidal ideation and impulsivity. I've got the first, certainly, but I could never be accused of possessing the second trait. Honestly, not having much in the way of impulsivity is one of my bigger flaws. But it's probably the real reason I'm still alive.
I don't plan on breaking my promise. I really don't. I don't like to tell people about the kinds of thoughts I have because I'm always worried they're going to take it very seriously and try to do something about it. But I'm really, really not going to end it all. Suicide is not the problem.
The problem is this: I'm probably going to live another 50 years or so, maybe fewer with my family history of heart disease, and the prospect of going through all that I've been through in the last 28 years for another 50 years does not sound even remotely appealing. Thus, pretty much any other option is more appealing. So, I can understand why people who have the thoughts and feelings I do would off themselves. I understand it, but it's not for me. You know, in the same way that I can understand how people might like onions, even if they're not my cup of tea. The point is, because onions are off the table, I need another brand of tea. As yet, however, I've been completely unable to figure out how I'm going to make it through the next half century.
Remember, suggestions must be palatable to someone with no energy, motivation, morality, or purpose. Thanks.
And Jesus ****ing Mary and Joseph, I really need to stop making me threads. As long as you all are able to fix my lifelong problems in this one, I should be able to do that.
Somewhere around the end of middle school, beginning of high school, I held a knife to my throat and seriously contemplated ending it all. I eventually came to the conclusion that no one else could be worth my life (I was kind of obsessed with a classmate at the time), and that whatever I was feeling, suicide wasn't the solution. In fact, I promised myself that I wouldn't off myself. Every time I've had thoughts of suicide in the last 15 years or so, I've remembered that promise and, as you can see, continued to live. It may be the only promise I've never broken. I kind of always tell myself that promise is the reason I'm still alive. But odds are that's not true. Individuals who successfully go through with suicide generally have two common traits: suicidal ideation and impulsivity. I've got the first, certainly, but I could never be accused of possessing the second trait. Honestly, not having much in the way of impulsivity is one of my bigger flaws. But it's probably the real reason I'm still alive.
I don't plan on breaking my promise. I really don't. I don't like to tell people about the kinds of thoughts I have because I'm always worried they're going to take it very seriously and try to do something about it. But I'm really, really not going to end it all. Suicide is not the problem.
The problem is this: I'm probably going to live another 50 years or so, maybe fewer with my family history of heart disease, and the prospect of going through all that I've been through in the last 28 years for another 50 years does not sound even remotely appealing. Thus, pretty much any other option is more appealing. So, I can understand why people who have the thoughts and feelings I do would off themselves. I understand it, but it's not for me. You know, in the same way that I can understand how people might like onions, even if they're not my cup of tea. The point is, because onions are off the table, I need another brand of tea. As yet, however, I've been completely unable to figure out how I'm going to make it through the next half century.
Remember, suggestions must be palatable to someone with no energy, motivation, morality, or purpose. Thanks.
And Jesus ****ing Mary and Joseph, I really need to stop making me threads. As long as you all are able to fix my lifelong problems in this one, I should be able to do that.
ACK!
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::1111:!!!::wiglaf:
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