Children

[Lorizael]

I've never wanted them. Girlfriend has always wanted them. When we got together four years ago, it was with the understanding that we wouldn't be together forever, because she eventually wanted to have kids. Now, she's tired of waiting. She wants to start a family.

I don't want kids. But I don't want to lose her. But maybe I only don't want to have kids because they terrify me. Or maybe I'm only trying to convince myself that the possibility exists that I could want kids because I don't want to lose her.

She isn't giving me an ultimatum or anything, give me children or I leave you. She never expected that I would change. And she didn't start this conversation with the intent to change my mind. She mostly started it by crying, because she assumed this was the end of our relationship.

I don't know what to do. She wants to start a family and I want... I have no idea what I want. I've never known. She has always had this idea in her mind of what kind of life she wanted to live. And now she has almost all of that: career, house, partner, friends, etc. But no children.

Me, on the other hand, I've never known what would make me happy, what I want out of life. I don't even know what happiness is. All my goals are insane things like consuming the universe. I'm broken. Maybe if I were fixed I'd be normal and want normal things. Maybe I don't want anything. Maybe I'm just a poorly put together sack of meat and that's all there is to it and it doesn't even make sense to talk about what a sack of meat wants.

Monkeys.

[MikeH]

Sounds like there is a possibility that you might decide that having kids and being with her is better than not having kids and not being with her.

If it's any help kids are much less terrifying when you have day to day exposure to them.


It's a tough call either way, good luck to you both making the decision together.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Perhaps you should delve more into why you don't want kids. If they are valid reasons, then it would bring you more happiness to move on and find a path that more conforms to what you feel you should be doing and the life you want to live.

Probably should also probe into what type of life you want.

I know, "do some soul searching" isn't exactly great advice, but it's the best I can think of. Best of luck, buddy!

[Hauldren Collider]

I think kids are awesome, personally, and I definitely plan on having kids someday. Not trying to criticize your views here, but why is it that you don't want kids?

[Ben Kenobi]

I've never wanted them. Girlfriend has always wanted them

I have an aunt. Aunt ended up divorcing my uncle (a very kind man who seems similar to you). They got married, she didn't talk to him, and he didn't talk to her - he decided not to have kids with her - so she split and married a sailor - and has two kids now. I won't tell you how that ended up.

The fairest thing for her, I think, would be to let her go, let her get married and have kids and go on and have a life.

The best thing for you, would be for you to get out of your comfort zone and give it a shot - not because she wants it, but because you are willing to try something different. Is it going to be scary? Absolutely. Is it going to be easy? No. But I honestly believe it would be the most worthwhile thing for you. Both my aunt and my uncle regretted splitting up. They would have been better sticking together and having kids.

[Lorizael]

Why don't I want kids?

1. I've been depressed for most of my life and cannot guarantee that I would be able to give unconditional support to my offspring.

2. I have no reason to believe I would make a good parent.

3. I don't feel any need to pass on my genetic code.

4. I don't believe in the concept of inheritance.

5. I don't want the fate of another human being to be in my hands.

6. Children are very expensive.

7. The world is not exactly in desperate need of more people.

8. With a family history of heart disease, depression, social awkwardness, and male pattern balding, I'm not sure my genes really deserve to be passed on.

9. I haven't done anything with my life yet, and I can't see anything getting done if I have children.

10. I work fulltime and go to school, so the idea of also raising a child seems somewhat ludicrous.

11. Children are annoying, ignorant, and dirty.

12. My children will probably want human contact.

13. I could either lie to my children constantly about the world or indoctrinate them into my insane belief system that will likely result in having a terrible life. (Alternatively, I could teach them to think for themselves, but I have no reason to believe I could do that successfully.)

...

5924. Time travel doesn't exist, so I cannot first acquire my children's consent to create them before doing so.

[MikeH]

And yet you are considering it.

[Sava]

Kids are great when they become real people. Babies suck. There's no two ways about it.

The good news is, they aren't babies for very long. And you mostly don't remember how horrible the baby experience is. If humans had complete recollections of the baby misery, we would never have children.

I say... get a vasectomy without telling her. Then spend another couple of years boinking her brains out until she gets wise to your plan.

[Lorizael]

And yet you are considering it.

Because most of those reasons amount to nothing more than fear, and I don't want to lose my girlfriend because I was too scared not to. But I also don't want to convince myself that I want kids just because I happen to love my girlfriend. That would be bad for everybody, especially the children, years down the road.

[MikeH]

Sounds like another fear. Could also turn out to be an amazing life affirming and even dare I say happy experience.

I could point you at multiple friends who had kids in terrible conditions, as teens, unexpectedly with someone they didn't love, etc. who would say "yeah, but despite all that it was the best thing that ever happened to me"

But also one of my brothers just split up with his gf last month because she found out she could actually have kids after all having been told she couldn't, so she wanted some and he never wanted them. (arguably not the only reason they split up but a key driver).

Forget about us interweb nerds, talk to your girlfiend about it. You will possibly be surprised about how different your views of how you would be as a parent are from hers.

[Sava]

It's normal to be afraid. If having kids is absolutely a dealbreaker... well... time to think seriously about the future.

If not, just find a way to deal with it. Life is too short.

Either way, sitting in limbo kvetching about it is probably the worst outcome. Be decisive. It's good for AMURICA

[Lorizael]

I could point you at multiple friends who had kids in terrible conditions, as teens, unexpectedly with someone they didn't love, etc. who would say "yeah, but despite all that it was the best thing that ever happened to me"

There are 7 billion humans alive today, and about a hundred billion who have lived in total. Yeah, obviously, most people think having kids is a good idea. Then again, most Americans don't accept evolution as true. Humans hold stupid beliefs.

Forget about us interweb nerds, talk to your girlfiend about it. You will possibly be surprised about how different your views of how you would be as a parent are from hers.

We've talked plenty. And I know she thinks I'd make a perfectly decent parent. But she also thinks I lack empathy, that I'm bad at planning ahead, that I'm way too pessimistic, and that I have no self-esteem, so I'm not really sure why she thinks I'd make a good parent.

[rah]

It's a personal decision that you must make yourself.
I will say that I was also scared, with a lot of the same insecurities that you have expressed.
But my daughter will always be the best achievement of my life. It was hard, expensive, painful and challenging. But it was worth it. Some of those insecurities may have been true. I might not have been the best parent ever. I may not have passed on the greatest genes. Nobody is perfect. Get over it.
Good luck. But the decision is yours.

[Sava]

Sometimes I wish rah was my dad. Uncle Ming!

Hmmm... maybe Ming should be my dad.

[rah]

I will admit that I always take joy whenever any of my nieces or nephews call me Uncle. But not quite the joy as when my daughter calls me dad, or padre.