Should I Date The Mother Of A Play Ground Baseball Player?

Wiglaf · May 5, 2012, 06:20

Let's get one thing straight: I USED TO PLAY HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL, before I had sex for the first time but long after I started masturbating.

So I know a thing or two about referees and umpires who voluntarily work kids games. They're generally either Mexicans who don't realize the job isn't paid, pedophiles using fake names, or domineering serial killers looking for an extra opportunity to exercise control over a captive audience. I'm no Mexican or pedophile or murderer, but I recently received via email an invitation from a friend in a seedy neighborhood in Virginia, giving me the opportunity to umpire games at a LOCAL COMMUNITY PLAY GROUND.

What could go wrong, I thought in my naiveatay as I drove to the playground last weekend, I need the exercise and I have done far more embarrassing things like cunninglingus. I show up to the opener (MY OPENER. I suspect that these kids had been playing games previously, not that I'd know this because I WAS NOT EVEN PROVIDED A ****ING SCHEDULE BY THE LEAGUE COMMISSIONER

) AND I WAS READY TO GO. I get the lineup from the coaches OH NO WAIT I DON'T BECAUSE THE COACHES DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO WRITE THEIR LINEUPS, I talk to the hispanic groundskeeper about keeping the field dry from the light rain OH NO WAIT THERE IS NO GROUNDSKEEPER TO SPEAK OF, and I set up behind homeplate and say play ball.

OH HELLO, THEN THE KIDS START LAUGHING AT ME AND THE OUT OF PLACE 25-YEAR-OLD WHITE COACH OF THE TEAM MADE UP ENTIRELY OF TOKEN BLACK KIDS TELLS ME TO "STAND BEHIND THE MOUND, ROOKIE."

WELL APPARENTLY WHO KNEW that in PLAY GROUND BASEBALL, the umpire IS SUPPOSED TO STAND BEHIND THE PITCHER? Yes you read that right, there is ONLY ONE UMPIRE AND THE APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR ME TO STAND WAS BEHIND THE PITCHER.

I ejected the coach and from the game immediately, even though I knew he was the only other potential target on the field in the event of a drive by.

I was not wearing any kind of bullet proof vest or any protection at all aside from a cup. I spent the next few minutes wondering if this was my time, if someone would come charging at me with a gun, and if I'd see my life flash before my eyes, fart and die.

Then, after the third inning, (WHICH WAS APPARENTLY THE LAST INNING OF THE GAME, SINCE THERE WAS SOME KIND OF MERCY RULE WHEN ONE TEAM SCORES MORE THAN FIVE POINTS OR SOMETHING, MAYBE THEY LIED TO ME ABOUT THIS BUT I DIDN'T CARE), one of the parents of the third basemen of the other black team, the tigers or the panthers, comes up to me, invites me to get pizza afterwards, LONG STORY SHORT and ASKS ME FOR MY NUMBER. I said no and ASKED FOR HERS.

Yes that is right we have the potential for an INTERRACIAL DATE on our hands.

Well, not really, because I am only into white girls, but let's be honest that sounds racist. I am currently not dating anyone and have not been all year basically, but I have some questions about this before I dial this number. FIRST OF ALL: Is there ANY WAY I am being set up here for some sort of ambush? I want to know where I should meet her and I know it's hard to find sexy locations in broad daylight. In fact I have never been on a first date in a public place during the day so I am struggling to think of a way to ask her out without being obvious about my security concerns.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS WHETHER THIS DATE IS A GOOD IDEA? And if so where should it be. Not even busses are safe. LOOK AT WHAT FOX NEWS UNCOVERED ON YOUTUBE:

Hauldren Collider · May 5, 2012, 12:40

Wait, a seedy neighborhood in Northern Virginia? There aren't very many of those...

Tupac Shakur · May 5, 2012, 12:55

You obviously haven't spent much time in Bailey's Crossroads.

Parts of South Arlington and Arlandria also suck.

Tupac Shakur · May 5, 2012, 13:02

Yep, nothing bad happening in Northern Virginia...

MS-13 gang is branching into underage prostitution, authorities say

DaShi · May 5, 2012, 13:06

You have to bang her to prove that you're not racist...or gay.

Hauldren Collider · May 5, 2012, 13:07

Originally Posted by Tupac Shakur

You obviously haven't spent much time in Bailey's Crossroads.

Parts of South Arlington and Arlandria also suck.

Yes, actually I have been to bailey's crossroads. But apart from (relatively) run-down buildings, the worst I've seen there are street-corner pot smokers.

Tupac Shakur · May 5, 2012, 13:13

Well, I guess that settles it. There's simply no way I can counter such powerful anecdotal evidence.

regexcellent · May 5, 2012, 15:21

Isn't Fairfax County, Virginia basically the most upscale place on earth?

Wiglaf · May 5, 2012, 15:24

I WAS AT COACHELLA AND SAW THE TUPAC HOLOGRAM

At one point I became intoxicated and RODE ON THE BACK OF A POOP TRUCK, which is the vehicle that carries away the excrement from portable potties.

Al B. Sure! · May 5, 2012, 15:25

That bus shooting happened on the bus route I used to take daily to work.

Wiglaf · May 5, 2012, 15:32

What job have you ever had?

Tuberski · May 5, 2012, 17:25

They made you umpire? I didn't know you were Mexican.

ACK!

Uncle Sparky · May 6, 2012, 01:01

Originally Posted by Wiglaf

I WAS AT COACHELLA AND SAW THE TUPAC HOLOGRAM

At one point I became intoxicated and RODE ON THE BACK OF A POOP TRUCK, which is the vehicle that carries away the excrement from portable potties.

The correct industry term is 'honey wagon'. As for refs, most I know are either parents of kids who play at other levels, or recent past players (older teens or twenty somethings). As for single mothers, they are definately in play.

Tupac Shakur · May 6, 2012, 01:56

Originally Posted by Wiglaf

I WAS AT COACHELLA AND SAW THE TUPAC HOLOGRAM

At one point I became intoxicated and RODE ON THE BACK OF A POOP TRUCK, which is the vehicle that carries away the excrement from portable potties.

Glad you liked the hologram, sir.

Main_Brain · May 6, 2012, 08:01

Either Way you better be wearing one of those: http://www.freshpolos.com/447099/pro...olo-Shirt.html

The Mad Monk · May 7, 2012, 09:58

Originally Posted by Tuberski

They made you umpire? I didn't know you were Mexican.

ACK!

I didn't know he was twenty-five.

Such great talent in one so young...

Jon Miller · May 7, 2012, 10:22

I am suspicious that some of his posts do not convey the whole truth.

JM
(of course, if this one is correct, he was thirteen when he was first posting.)

The Mad Monk · May 7, 2012, 14:37

It usually takes at least four decades to cultivate his particular brand of genius.

DaShi · May 7, 2012, 18:53

Wiglaf is ageless!

Wiglaf · May 8, 2012, 08:46

CHECK YOUR FACTS :Angry:,

, The COACH was 25 Jon Miller. THE ONE I EJECTED

AND MY GOD how have you not changed your signature to something less ****ing redundant?

WE KNOW JON MILLER MADE YOUR ****ING POST BECAUSE 'JON MILLER' APPEARS TO THE LEFT OF ALL YOUR POSTS.

NO NEED to specify Jon Miller 5 more times in your signature, THANKS.

WIGLAF

WIGLAF

I SUSPECT YOU STILL WEAR UNDERWEAR FROM THE 1980S

------
I AM WIGLAF
GENERATION 36: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
-WIGLAF POSTED THAT

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