Let's get one thing straight: I USED TO PLAY HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL, before I had sex for the first time but long after I started masturbating. So I know a thing or two about referees and umpires who voluntarily work kids games. They're generally either Mexicans who don't realize the job isn't paid, pedophiles using fake names, or domineering serial killers looking for an extra opportunity to exercise control over a captive audience. I'm no Mexican or pedophile or murderer, but I recently received via email an invitation from a friend in a seedy neighborhood in Virginia, giving me the opportunity to umpire games at a LOCAL COMMUNITY PLAY GROUND.
What could go wrong, I thought in my naiveatay as I drove to the playground last weekend, I need the exercise and I have done far more embarrassing things like cunninglingus. I show up to the opener (MY OPENER. I suspect that these kids had been playing games previously, not that I'd know this because I WAS NOT EVEN PROVIDED A ****ING SCHEDULE BY THE LEAGUE COMMISSIONER ) AND I WAS READY TO GO. I get the lineup from the coaches OH NO WAIT I DON'T BECAUSE THE COACHES DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO WRITE THEIR LINEUPS, I talk to the hispanic groundskeeper about keeping the field dry from the light rain OH NO WAIT THERE IS NO GROUNDSKEEPER TO SPEAK OF, and I set up behind homeplate and say play ball.
OH HELLO, THEN THE KIDS START LAUGHING AT ME AND THE OUT OF PLACE 25-YEAR-OLD WHITE COACH OF THE TEAM MADE UP ENTIRELY OF TOKEN BLACK KIDS TELLS ME TO "STAND BEHIND THE MOUND, ROOKIE." WELL APPARENTLY WHO KNEW that in PLAY GROUND BASEBALL, the umpire IS SUPPOSED TO STAND BEHIND THE PITCHER? Yes you read that right, there is ONLY ONE UMPIRE AND THE APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR ME TO STAND WAS BEHIND THE PITCHER.
I ejected the coach and from the game immediately, even though I knew he was the only other potential target on the field in the event of a drive by. I was not wearing any kind of bullet proof vest or any protection at all aside from a cup. I spent the next few minutes wondering if this was my time, if someone would come charging at me with a gun, and if I'd see my life flash before my eyes, fart and die.
Then, after the third inning, (WHICH WAS APPARENTLY THE LAST INNING OF THE GAME, SINCE THERE WAS SOME KIND OF MERCY RULE WHEN ONE TEAM SCORES MORE THAN FIVE POINTS OR SOMETHING, MAYBE THEY LIED TO ME ABOUT THIS BUT I DIDN'T CARE), one of the parents of the third basemen of the other black team, the tigers or the panthers, comes up to me, invites me to get pizza afterwards, LONG STORY SHORT and ASKS ME FOR MY NUMBER. I said no and ASKED FOR HERS.
Yes that is right we have the potential for an INTERRACIAL DATE on our hands.
Well, not really, because I am only into white girls, but let's be honest that sounds racist. I am currently not dating anyone and have not been all year basically, but I have some questions about this before I dial this number. FIRST OF ALL: Is there ANY WAY I am being set up here for some sort of ambush? I want to know where I should meet her and I know it's hard to find sexy locations in broad daylight. In fact I have never been on a first date in a public place during the day so I am struggling to think of a way to ask her out without being obvious about my security concerns.
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS WHETHER THIS DATE IS A GOOD IDEA? And if so where should it be. Not even busses are safe. LOOK AT WHAT FOX NEWS UNCOVERED ON YOUTUBE: