[serious] I don't know what to do.

[Hauldren Collider]

One of my best friends just died. He was freshman at Yale. Just about a week ago I talked to him about microfiche plates and programming in Python and now he's gone. They don't know how he died yet, some think it was a suicide, but I refuse to believe that.

He was one of the coolest kids I've ever met, friendly to everyone, could always make anyone smile and I'm not exaggerating. Also incredibly bright. Liked to play the guitar. I was looking forward to seeing him again this summer and now I know that won't be possible.

I don't know how to handle this. I feel absolutely awful and am crying right now. So I feel pitiful too, wondering if that's normal or just pathetic. Does anyone here have any experience with this. Please no jokes.

[MRT144]

One of my best friends just died. He was freshman at Yale. Just about a week ago I talked to him about microfiche plates and programming in Python and now he's gone. They don't know how he died yet, some think it was a suicide, but I refuse to believe that.

He was one of the coolest kids I've ever met, friendly to everyone, could always make anyone smile and I'm not exaggerating. Also incredibly bright. Liked to play the guitar. I was looking forward to seeing him again this summer and now I know that won't be possible.

I don't know how to handle this. I feel absolutely awful and am crying right now. So I feel pitiful too, wondering if that's normal or just pathetic. Does anyone here have any experience with this. Please no jokes.

It's totally normal.

[Al B. Sure!]

Of course that's normal.

[DaShi]

My condolences, HC.

[Elok]

I'm very fortunate; I've yet to lose anyone close to me in my life. But if I did, I'd be kind of freaked out if I DIDN'T cry. So don't worry about it. Wish I could console you, but I'm lousy at that kind of thing. The best I can say is that time heals all wounds and (hopefully) you have a lot of time ahead of you. My wife lost her sister and brother-in-law in a horrible accident (which she was present and performed CPR at) back in 2007. She was miserable for a long time, of course. Cried on and off for days, was depressed for weeks, sad for months. We were married in 2009, had our first kid this January. Now she's perfectly happy. It's going to suck, but it will get better.

[Braindead]

HC, my condolences.

Your reaction is normal.

The typical phases of grieving are:
(varies from person to person and the closeness of the person you lost)
- stunned disbelief
- pain, intense
- anger at being abandoned or sometimes a feeling of being abandoned (sometimes but not always and not for all people)
- a gradual coming to terms with the loss

The process can take months (depending on closeness of relations)

[Lorizael]

So I feel pitiful too, wondering if that's normal or just pathetic.

It doesn't matter if it's normal or pathetic; it's just what you have to do to get through it. My condolences.

[Guynemer]

It is completely normal.

This may not be the best place for this sort of thing, but we're here to listen to you, and help, if we can.

EDIT: "this" meaning an internet forum full of jackanapes and scoundrels, not the internet in general.

[Asher]

Really sorry to hear that.

I've had one friend (not a close friend) who committed suicide back in university, and my SO had a classmate of his commit suicide about six months after graduation from university. It's always a shock -- both of them would be people you'd never expect to do it. It's often said the people who are quickest to laugh are the most sad inside.

You'll feel how you feel and there's no controlling that. I hope you've got good friends around you there. Do what you need to do -- vent, cry, think, talk, whatever.

[SlowwHand]

Sorry. Whatever problems he had are over now. I'll say a prayer.

[Hauldren Collider]

Thank you all for your condolences. It really does mean a lot to me. Seriously.

I feel like sharing this story, perhaps it will make me feel better. I think you all will find it amusing regardless:


This is a picture of us at the christmas tree in front of the Capitol over christmas break 2010. Zach's the one in the yellow jumpsuit on the far left. I'm the person in the white coat he's grabbing. It was absolutely freezing and Zach was wearing one of his usual crazy outfits. The guy never dressed normally. Ever. And he always had a blonde afro. He's the only guy I knew that could pull it off. At any rate, he wasn't wearing anything under the ski jumpsuit except his boxers. So when we had to go through the metal detector at the National Archives, they made him take off his coat to put in the scanner...and hilarity ensued. He got to run around the national archives in his underwear.

That's pretty much what he was like all the time. Didn't care a bit if other people thought he was weird, so in the end, everyone liked him. Hard to believe he's gone.

[notyoueither]

Sounds like a good person. My condolences, HC.

[SlowwHand]

Clowns clown around for many reasons. Masking feelings is one of them. It's a shame. I'd like an update on the circumstances of his passing, when you hear and if you feel like sharing.

[Tuberski]

Thank you all for your condolences. It really does mean a lot to me. Seriously.

I feel like sharing this story, perhaps it will make me feel better. I think you all will find it amusing regardless:


This is a picture of us at the christmas tree in front of the Capitol over christmas break 2010. Zach's the one in the yellow jumpsuit on the far left. I'm the person in the white coat he's grabbing. It was absolutely freezing and Zach was wearing one of his usual crazy outfits. The guy never dressed normally. Ever. And he always had a blonde afro. He's the only guy I knew that could pull it off. At any rate, he wasn't wearing anything under the ski jumpsuit except his boxers. So when we had to go through the metal detector at the National Archives, they made him take off his coat to put in the scanner...and hilarity ensued. He got to run around the national archives in his underwear.

That's pretty much what he was like all the time. Didn't care a bit if other people thought he was weird, so in the end, everyone liked him. Hard to believe he's gone.

Before reading the story underneath, I knew which one was the friend in question. I am truly sorry for your loss.

[MikeH]

My condolences HC. As others have said your feelings are totally normal.

If it does turn out that he took his own life you will probably feel guilty, thinking you should have been able to do something, because again that's normal. You should try hard not to blame yourself. People who are depressed can become extremely good at hiding it from others.

You can keep his memory alive by remembering your good times together. If it's possible to go to his funeral I find that really does help, it helps you, and in some ways it helps his family to see he has friends who loved him.

[dannubis]

I am sorry for your loss HC.

This kind of thing takes time to heal. Take your time as well.

[Jon Miller]

Crying is healthy. Is the only 'good' response I know of.

Jon

[Oncle Boris]

My condolences.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Sorry to hear about it. We all need time to grieve. The fallacy that men are weak for crying has done a huge diservice to us all.

[rah]

I never gets easy. I've lost three great friends, one just a few month ago. It's ok to grieve. And like others have stated, a few tears are not a sign of weakness.
I got through it by remembering all the good times. (like the example in your photo/story) It's ok to miss them. Time will help to lessen the loss. Do something to honor them.
I remember for one of my best friends, we had a lot of traveling adventures together. Especially by car. He was such a crazy nut that we called them mad toad thrill rides.
After his funeral, his wife gave me his ashes and on the way to the after gathering I took a detour and did one last thrill ride with him. It really helped me.

Good luck.

[Flubber]

Condolences.

Pretty much any range of emotions is normal and you never know when they will strike. The smallest thing may trigger a memory.

So cry. shout. get mad and hit a punching bag. Do whatever you want since its your process

I remember losing someone and I was sad a fair bit but one day I was just angry- I grabbed my stick and spent 20 minutes just winging hockey pucks at my net. Somehow it helped.

[C0ckney]

that sucks HC, my condolences.

i've had a few people close to me die, accidents, a couple of suicides and a heroin overdose. i have found my own ways of coping. you have to do what feels right for you.

i would echo mike's advice to go the funeral if you can, it's good to provide some closeure and to talk about your friend with his family and other friends.

[BlackCat]

My condolences HC

[b etor]

I had a very close friend kill himself a little over a year ago. I'm still not over it. It was the first death that really hit me hard, because we hung out a lot the day before he did it. I was sad and angry. Most people, especially his family, didn't want to believe it was a suicide, but it was.

My condolences, HC. Don't expect to get over it too soon, but keep your chin up anyway. In addition to talking to a few friends about it, I strongly suggest talking to someone professional about it as well. If you don't like the first one you talk to, find one you like better. It definitely helps.

[Hauldren Collider]

I'm still confident that my friend did not kill himself. He died at 2pm in a lab (I think physics). Today he would have flown down to texas to ride in one of Nasa's zero-g planes. He kept telling me how much he was looking forward to it.

They're doing an autopsy. We'll see what happened. I refuse to believe that he killed himself. He was always cheerful and could enjoy anything, and I know it wasn't all a mask.

Still upset but feeling better today. Thinking about other things helps.

[Asher]

It could very well be something else. A HS classmate of mine died in his sleep from an undiagnosed heart abnormality. It recently killed a teenager here who was just playing a game of hockey, also.

[kentonio]

Sorry you're going through something so horrible HC. Condolences.

[SlowwHand]

That's what I'm thinking, Asher. Sometimes, they just stop working properly.

[Hauldren Collider]

Brunt was found dead in a physics lab on the sixth floor of Josiah Willard Gibbs Laboratories Wednesday afternoon. His body was taken for an autopsy at the state medical examiner’s office, which said Thursday afternoon that Brunt died by “asphyxia due to exclusion of oxygen” and ruled his death a suicide.

Unbelievable. Makes me sick just reading that. I don't feel guilty at all though, like MikeH suggested I might. There's no way anyone could have expected he would do this. No danger signs, no reason to believe he was anything other than a happy, bright Yale student. Doesn't make any ****ing sense.

This is awful.

[molly bloom]

You have to attend the funeral. As unpleasant as it sounds, it doe shelp in the long term. A friend of mine died inexplicably- an autopsy was carried out and the coroner could find no cause for her death- she was otherwise a healthy and fit young woman.

I attended the viewing in the chapel of rest, the funeral and the inquest. As grim as it sounds, all the rituals helped.

Give yourself time and give yourself a lot of leeway, emotionally.