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"Desperate Diners Attack Trapped Fat Lady With Plastic Forks"

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  • "Desperate Diners Attack Trapped Fat Lady With Plastic Forks"






    Desperate Diners Attack Trapped Fat Lady With Plastic Forks
    Monday November 17, 2003

    A FAT WOMAN who got stuck in a restaurant doorway was prodded with forks wielded by her angry fellow diners.

    Cops say the woman "squealed and suffered horribly" as a wild-eyed mob jabbed her and hurled cruel insults, including calling her names like "Miss Piggy" and "tub of lard" and taunting her with the childhood rhyme, "Fatty, fatty, two by four, can't get through the bathroom door . . ."

    "This unfortunate woman was poked and stabbed at least 200 times and maybe even more," says a Chicago police spokesman, adding that he is both embarrassed and saddened by the insensitivity of his fellow Chicagoans.

    "The forks were plastic," he says, "but they still managed to inflict a lot of damage. Doctors later told me the victim looked like a pincushion."

    "Basically these people were upset that they couldn't use the rest rooms. The woman was trapped in a doorway that leads to both the men's and ladies' toilets."

    The 647-pound woman -- whose name Weekly World News editors are withholding to spare her any further embarrassment -- "was in great distress before she was freed," notes the cop, who says the ugly incident unfolded in a popular barbecue restaurant known, ironically, for its Southern-style hospitality.

    "The victim was squealing and crying in pain, not to mention being humiliated, when police and firefighters arrived to help her. They estimate that as many as 40 men and women had taken turns poking her with their forks."

    Firefighters cut and pried the by-then exhausted woman free with saws, crowbars and the Jaws of Life, a special tool usually reserved for ripping open car doors to free passengers trapped in wreckage.

    She was taken to a hospital where she was treated for puncture wounds, shock and dehydration. Getting through the restaurant's main door was no problem.

    In the words of the police spokesman, "It was a double door."

    The restaurant's manager says the doorway leading to the rest rooms was "normal size," but in a nod to political correctness after the fact, commented that the woman "had an alternative body image and unfortunately got wedged as she tried to go through."

    Cops say her assailants will almost certainly face assault and battery charges after investigators pore over videotape taken from the restaurant's security cameras to help them identify everyone who participated in the bizarre attack.

    "When I realized I was stuck I got scared and starting yelling, 'Help! Help me!' " the woman said in a brief interview attended by her attorney. "A server tried to push me through but she couldn't."

    "Everything went downhill from there. A man started yelling at me to get out of the way so he could go to the bathroom. Then I heard a woman cursing at me and calling me names like 'fat a--' and 'Miss Piggy.' It was awful."

    "And then I felt the forks. They poked me over and over and over and over again. I remember sobbing and yelling at them, 'Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why?'"

    An eyewitness who claims to have tried to calm the angry customers confirms the woman's story.

    "Thank goodness I had my cell phone. If I hadn't called for help, the fat lady might have been poked and prodded to death."

    The victim, 41, says she's planning to sue the restaurant and its patrons for actual and punitive damages in excess of $20,000.

  • #2
    647 pounds?
    B♭3

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Q Cubed
      647 pounds?
      Weekly World News. No more needs to be said other than the fact this wasn't as amusing as some of the others they've done.
      I make no bones about my moral support for [terrorist] organizations. - chegitz guevara
      For those who aspire to live in a high cost, high tax, big government place, our nation and the world offers plenty of options. Vermont, Canada and Venezuela all offer you the opportunity to live in the socialist, big government paradise you long for. –Senator Rubio

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      • #4
        ah. ^^;

        i didn't notice it was the weekly world news.

        i remember a crazy friend of mine kept wondering if your head could explode playing chess because wwn ran a story on it.
        B♭3

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        • #5
          If it's true, what a shockingly awful way to behave to another human being. I don't care how large the woman is--her embarrassment at being stuck was bad enough. These people behaved like animals. Or worse.

          Although, it does underscore my point in the restroom thread about the primacy people devote to using the toilet...
          Tutto nel mondo è burla

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          • #6
            647 pounds...

            i didn't know human legs could support that much weight.
            B♭3

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            • #7
              I so want to believe this is true. The irony and shear bizzarness of it all is great.

              It's like smoething out of the twilight zone.
              Rethink Refuse Reduce Reuse

              Do It Ourselves

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              • #8
                I thought 'Polytoners weer smart enough to recongize a Weekly World News headline when they saw one. I didn't even have to see the name of the paper in the article to know it was WWN. Silly people.
                Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...

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                • #9
                  I used to have an Astronomy prof who would start his classes off with the Weekly World News, to show us WHY they were so wrong.
                  Scouse Git (2) La Fayette Adam Smith Solomwi and Loinburger will not be forgotten.
                  "Remember the night we broke the windows in this old house? This is what I wished for..."
                  2015 APOLYTON FANTASY FOOTBALL CHAMPION!

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                  • #10
                    WWN is hilarious. I love reading the headlines (the stories usually don't match the headlines in hilarity).
                    Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...

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                    • #11
                      To us, it is the BEAST.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        And Floyd wants access to restrooms to be optional for employees...
                        “I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
                        - John 13:34-35 (NRSV)

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Imran Siddiqui
                          And Floyd wants access to restrooms to be optional for employees...
                          Floyd has a lot of nutty ideas
                          To us, it is the BEAST.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by chegitz guevara
                            I thought 'Polytoners weer smart enough to recongize a Weekly World News headline when they saw one. I didn't even have to see the name of the paper in the article to know it was WWN. Silly people.
                            First, I did say "if true," hedging my bets because of the WWN.

                            Second, it's because the story was picked up by another news source that I am more inclined to believe it, if only slightly. WWN may be sensationalistic and full of a lot of crap, but they also report true strange occurances. Entertainment is entertainment.
                            Tutto nel mondo è burla

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Boris Godunov
                              Second, it's because the story was picked up by another news source that I am more inclined to believe it, if only slightly.
                              You didn't even click on the link, did you.

                              Everyone, point and laugh at Boris and Q3


                              Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...

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