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165# CIV3: WORST FEARS COME TRUE! Fiera is rather unhappy with recent civ3 news 164# APOLYTON: THE GAMER'S HUB If you saw the opening of the Earth 2025 and Trade Wars 2002 forums, there is more, as Father Beast talks about the benefits of the Other Games forum 163# VARIANCES IN GAME PLAY SETUPS Some ways to spice up your civ games 162# STRATEGY "BUGS" OF CIVILIZATION Some things from real world strategy are missing civ. Here are some. #161 KNOW YOUR ENEMY A description of the most common "types" of civ players COLUMN ARCHIVE

Dear Isabella, thou great lady of the north country, ruler of many units, sovereign of all things yellow. Your old ally, here, Mr. Raingoon. That's right, Mr. Light Blue again, writing to you from my palace balcony in Beijing where I must tell you I can see the war against the Mongols in the west is not going as well as one would have hoped.

I say the war is not going well for two reasons. First, it cannot possibly be construed as "going well" when what began as a war against the Mongols in the west has somehow become a war against the Mongols IN THE EAST. Second, you know you are in trouble when you find yourself actually admiring the enemy army's impressive size and organization as you gaze out your palace window. Which brings me to this missive to you, which I am writing in just such a disposition.

I wonder, your majesty, if you will recall our last diplomatic conference as allies? I refer you specifically to the part where you said you would -- I believe the word you used was "smite" the Mongol hoards. I don't exactly remember, which is ironic because you've said exactly the same thing, through your representative, every time we've talked for the better part of two thousand years. Frankly, I find myself increasingly distracted by your representative's apparent palsy and inability to stand still for even one second (he really should get that leg thing looked at). At any rate, the gist of your promise was that you were going to be cracking open two cans of Mongol whoop-ass, and double-fast (for your own reference, I believe this conversation took place about five hundred and seventy-five years ago).

My lady, I hasten to assure you that I am aware that you are merely binary, and therefore have no agency. And, being digital, you might protest that you cannot possibly be held to a promise made five centuries ago. That doesn't change the fact that when I send caravans to your country they must walk CIRCLES around HUGE STACKS of armor and HOWITZERS that are apparently just SITTING THERE!!! Is it this FUEL SHORTAGE everybody's talking about? Have Spanish gas prices just gone through the roof? What is it? Because I'll tell where the rubber meets the road, lady: This is Civ 2. Mongolia is purple, China is light blue. And last I checked, I was playing CHINA. Now, unless they switched the colors around when I was on a potty break, I've got a little trouble on my hands, because outside of Beijing MY ENTIRE CONTINENT IS PURPLE!!!!

Ahem. Forgive me, your most noble majesty-osity. I seek only to improve any future diplomatic interactions we may have -- say in CIV 3, hint, HINT?? -- before my time in Civ 2 is cut short. You understand my presence is required in the tent of Kubla Kahn, whom I shall henceforth be addressing as "You's-ma-Daddy." Also "Big Daddy."

So. In the interest of avoiding any further diplomatic "misunderstandings," I would like to proffer the following suggestions under the heading of "Military Allies, Diplomacy in Civ 3."

1. Allies, my lady, should actually BEHAVE like allies. That means when my dinner table is bouncing to the beat of Mongolian war drums it doesn't really help if my super-power ally shows up on my doorstep with a single tank and two non-veteran musketeers (Gee, thanks!) If you agree to be an ally, ACT like one! At least have the POTENTIAL to act like one. Maybe some allies are more committed than others, hey, that's realistic, verisimilitude is cool. But where would France be today if Eisenhower had crossed the English Channel with a platoon of untested Scottish bagpipers and one Higgens boat full of Minute Men? Answer = NOWHERE.

2. Allies should make plans that are more or less REAL. Henceforth, when agreeing to attack a mutual enemy, be it resolved that allies shall specify WHERE they are going to attack. Also WHEN would be nice (i.e., NOW would be acceptable), and with WHAT. Talking hardware, here: manpower, kahunas, war material. If we're really going to be able to form armies in Civ 3, we ought to be able to refer to those armies by name while planning with our allies. So, when my dear Lady of Spain, of whom I grew so fond whilst playing Civ 2, promises to send hither yon Army of Barcelona, need I remind my lady that I shall be expecting the Army of Barcelona not to arrive without its ARMY? I am highly suspicious that between making the plan and executing it, the allied AI, like some drunken, deranged supply officer, will simply dispatch the NAME of the old army, slapped like a binary bumpersticker on the ass of one measly catapult, newly minted at that, and up will creak a single unit to m!
y front line like some Don Quixote, proclaiming itself the harbinger of immediate Mongolian sorrow and woe. This PERFECTLY epitomizes my interaction with my lady, the Queen of Spain, though it pains me to you so... And finally, my lady, may I suggest --

3. Accountability. Say we've made a plan, my ally and me. If something were to then "come up" that would otherwise detain my ally from executing said plan, they should really, REALLY make an effort to let somebody know. And if we do, after all the above, manage to pull off our allied attack, then afterwards whence we meet again (if we be so lucky), let us likewise give some indication that we have at least an INKLING that we made the plan at all, let alone carried it through. If, for instance, we have attacked the Mongols and lost -- if I have given my kingdom for a horseman that was itself immediately shot from under me -- one wonders at my lady's sanity when she turns around and demands assistance, explaining, you see, that her "war against the Mongols is not going well." OH REALLY?

Indeed, I know not how to program my lady the Queen of Spain's head. But as I sit in my palace in Beijing, gazing out my 19 inch electronic window and awaiting the arrival of my new Mongolian master, my hope is for the future. That not only will I be able to make such glorious plans as I have alluded to above, but that I will be able to execute them more or less the way I actually planned them. And, finally, that my lady will evidence some understanding of all these actions, particularly her own.

Ever your obediant servant,
Raingoon of China, the smallest f****** province in the Mongolian Empire

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