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#160 JUST A LITTLE THOUGHT ABOUT CIV A smac lover does his duty as a user of Apolyton and writes for the Column :) #159 CIVILIZATION II VERSUS CTP2, TOT, ALPHA CENTAURI, ETC... A really "old" civer returns to remind of one of the most important parts of civ games: creation #158 THREE POLLS FOR CIV THREE MarkG comments on the currently running civ3 polls #157 CIV3 MEETS CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER! MarkG is combining two of his favorite games and creates a monster #156 CtP II PBEM - SHOULD WE GIVE UP? Solver is ready to forgive and forget... What about you? COLUMN ARCHIVE

Civ's been around for years now, and although the permutations of gameplay are near-infinite there are certain factors that remain constant. One of these is the type of opponent that you'll come up against, and despite everyone bringing their own little quirks and screaming perversions to the game there are certain key types to watch out for.

For the benefit of all Civ novices, here are the ones that can really ruin your day.

1- The Git.

Pray you never play The Git. Of all the breeds of Civ player he is the most excruciatingly irksome. Inside Civ games, The Git specialises in wanton vandalism. He churns out low-grade units by the score, sending them out in swarms on kamikaze orgies of destruction. Shunning direct confrontation, he will mercilessly target your infrastructure and will wreck roads, mines and anything else that comes within the grasp of his grubby little paws. Against serious opposition he gets swatted early, but anyone unfortunate to start next to him is doomed.

Away from Civ games The Git generally spends his spare time vandalising phone boxes, spitting on passers-by from the tops of multi-storey car parks, and scrawling homoerotic graffitti in public lavatories. He is single, he is "going through a difficult phase", and he badly needs either the loving guidance of a good woman or a damned good kicking.

2- The Borg

The Borg is hardcore, humourless and very dangerous. He has assimilated every single fragment of tactical tips stored throughout the internet and knows how to use them. You will instantly know when you are playing a Borg, because you will stumble across thriving size 20 cities when your own citizens are just starting to get the hang of sharpening twigs. No-one ever observes how the Borg starts out- he just suddenly pops up out of his little hideaway and kicks the crap out of everyone. Growth is everything to the Borg, and he shies away from confrontation to lurk in quiet corner, expanding like a particularly smug tumour.

Outside of Civ games, The Borg is one of those quiet little clerks who appears to live behind his desk. You will barely notice his existance until the day he doesn't show up to work- at which point you will discover that he has inexplicably managed to embezzle all your employer's cash, shagged your girlfriend, and framed you for an act of public indecency with a piece of municipal sculpture.

3- The Boy Scout

The Boy Scout will immediately charge out across the map in a heady burst of exploration. His units will roam around the map seeking out signs of life, and setting up remote outposts. When encountering other civilisations he falls over himself in his puppyish enthusiasm to establish diplomatic relations, and leaps at every chance to forge alliances. The Boy Scout tends to end up controlling vast tracts of land but gets ripped to shreds the moment things turn nasty, as his huge frontiers are almost impossible to defend. One curious fact about the Boy Scout is that he always brings out the worst in every single one of his opponents, who can often be seen drooling at the prospect of mauling his unblemished flesh.

In real life the Boy Scout is one of those godawful Ivy League/Oxbridge crashing bores who breeze through life effortlessly, convinced (in the face of the facts) that there is good to be found in everybody. Getting perfect grades, perfect health and a perfect job, he will finally end up as the plaything of a 6-foot leather-clad dominatrix ladyboy called "Madame Immaculata".

4- The Corporate Whore

Dangerous, Machiavellian and universally despised, the Corporate Whore ruthlessly accumulates wealth. Everything has a price to this spiritually bankrupt grasper, who concentrates on building a sinister industrial super-state at the heart of his empire. Knowledge and property are valued only for their commercial value, and he'll be only too ready to screw every last penny out of his hapless allies for each pittance he tosses their way. Alliances are only valued where he can be sure of royally stabbing you in the back at the earliest opportunity. The Corporate Whore's greatest fear is to be located next to The Git, the one enemy utterly immune to his advances. If you see any player frantically scrabbling to assemble the "United Nations" wonder (the sign of a seriously untrustworthy bastard) you can be sure it's the Whore.

Away from his PC the Corporate Whore is your boss. With this fact in mind ensure that you screw him before he gets the chance to screw you.

5- The Freak

The Freak is determined that his game will perfectly mirror the character and history of his chosen race. In fact, he's been known to chide opposition Mongols for abandoning their nomadic raider existance in order to develop space flight. If he's playing as Carthaginians you may find your tanks suddenly facing hordes of elephants. The Freak tends to provide tremendous entertainment value that ends all too soon when the Borg chews him up and spits him out in a mangled gobbet of gristle.

In real life (assuming of course that he has something approaching a real life) The Freak is an enigma. Either he doesn' t get out much or no-one will admit to knowing him.

6- The Regular, Ordinary Person.

This player is a myth. This is Civ we're talking about, after all. Next time you play, put a mirror over your monitor. Do you see that leering, twisted sociopath hunched over the keyboard? That's you, my boy.

So which one are you?