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Six Thousand Year Old Man
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King
Ad Rock
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Aug 2000
time: 15:14
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or the rise and truncation of the Roman empire...
The English nation was founded in 4000 BC. The first stones of her capital, London, were laid at the mouth of a mighty river, with plentiful supplies of fish and swine available for the city's residents. Rolling grasslands, hills to the west, and a vast, unexplored forest completed the topography. Buzzy Aspartame, Agent of HRH Elizabeth, immediately commissioned the lone band of warriors to explore the English countryside, far and wide.
The brave warriors returned some time later, brimming with good news. England was alone, in splendid isolation on a large island. Almost as important were the tidings of the bounty available on the land - sugar, rice, bananas, and most important and wondrous, herd upon herd of magnificent elephants. By this time, London had grown to be a thriving settlement, with workers herding the pigs and fishermen plying their trade on the seas. A second settlement , Nottingham, was founded south of London. Later, York was settled in a narrow ithsmus, simultaneously blocking any advance from the east towards London, and positioned to take advantage of the fields of raw sugar.
Even as new settlements were founded, England turned her eyes to the sea. Perhaps seafaring was in the blood of this young nation? England's first galleys were launched even as her miners found a rich vein of copper in the fields west of London. Hugging the coast, England's sailors nonetheless sighted a second island to the east, already occupied by an outpost of the Roman nation, Pisae.
Good tidings were exchanged with the Romans, but Buzzy Aspartame knew that danger came from having so close a neighbour. It seemed clear that the Romans had been able to cross the sea in order to found Pisae. And if the Romans could do that, they could also fill the open spaces of the English isle with additional colonists!
A race to settle the untamed jungles, sugarcane fields, and forests began. Warwick, Coventry and Canterbury were hastily settled - and the town of Hastings was founded at the easternmost tip of the English isle, to serve as a watchpost and bulwark against possible Roman aggression. The Romans, disadvantaged by having to ship their colonists to the English isle, only managed a small settlement, Caesarea, south-west of Hastings.
An English colony on the south end of the island dominated by Pisae was mooted, but ultimately ruled out by Buzzy Aspartame. Such a settlement would have to be supplied by sea, and would be difficult to defend in the event of a Roman incursion. Further exploration by England's intrepid sailors revealed that the Romans had colonized not two, not three, but FOUR islands, and had upwards of a dozen cities, to England's seven settlements. With the alarming pace of Roman expansion in mind, Buzzy Aspartame ordered the organization of formations of war elephants, along with stepped-up construction of catapults and axes. The disturbing realization that only 5 islands were a short sail from Rome, and four had already been overrun by the Romans, added impetus to this military buildup.
Mere decades later, events validated England's sudden militarization. Three galleys appeared north of Hastings, and an abrupt missive from Caesar brought an end to the peaceful coexistence of England and Rome. An English captain gallantly sacrificed his galley in an attempt to slow the invasion force, but the Romans were nonetheless able to land a force of axemen, charioteers and a catapult in the jungles outside Hastings.
The very existence of the English empire now hung in the balance. Buzzy Aspartame had concentrated England's forces near Hastings, correctly assuming that any Roman attack would fall on Hastings, which guarded the narrow sea separating English lands from Roman. A defeat at Hastings would leave the lightly defended cities of Warwick and York helpless before a victorious Roman invader. And beyond York lay London, and the English heartland.
It was here that the English experience of their land's topography paid dividends. The Roman force facing Hastings needed to ford a river in order to assault the city. In a calculated risk, Buzzy Aspartame sortied some of Hastings's defenders, moving them to a hill southwest of the city. From there, they had a commanding view of the Roman force, and the advantage of high ground should the Romans attack. Most important, they were already on the Roman side of the river, and did not need to bridge the river to attack.
The Romans made the first move, tearing up the road into Hastings and scattering the herds of elephants and their keepers there. In response, the English launched a catapult attack on the Roman army, leaving the Romans weakened and scattered. Then came the elephants. In short order, the Roman invasion was thwarted, at the loss of a catapult, war elephant, and two axe formations.
Elizabeth, though pleased with her Agent's conduct of the defense, offered peace to Rome. A generous sentiment rebuffed, although as it would turn out, England's fortunes might well have dimmed had the Romans accepted the offer. Stung by their defeat, they did not, leaving the English an opportunity which they seized upon.
Hastings, though bloodied by the Roman assault, still had considerable reserves in and around the city - axemen, a catapult, and elephants. Buzzy Aspartame calculated that the Romans, having lost their entire expeditionary force, would need time to raise another army for a second attempt on Hastings. And so, in another calculated risk, Aspartame gathered his armies in Hastings and flung them across the narrow strait into Roman territory, leaving only a skeletal defense in Hastings. Objective: Pisae.
Pisae was already a sprawling town, constructed on the seaside at the edge of a great expanse of grassland. The English force landed unopposed and was quickly at the gates of the city. Pisae was defended strongly, but the city's defenders were clearly not a match for the English attackers. With one important exception - a Praetorian unit within the city. Belately, the English army turned its eyes to the northeast of Pisae, where Roman workers toiled in an iron mine.
And again Aspartame faced a decision: Attack now, or divert forces to destroy the Roman mine? Grimly, the order was given to attack, Pisae's defences having been battered the previous year. The Roman axes and archers were destroyed, but the English forces suffered losses as well. And still the Praetorian unit, battered though it was, held the city. But the next year, the English attacked with a fervor born of desperation, and
Pisae fell. The next year, Caesarea, isolated in English lands, was razed by newly formed English units, and Caesar was moved to offer peace.
Elizabeth accepted peace, and a war-weary England rejoiced. A powerful force now garrisoned Pisae, and the valuable output of the nearby iron mine would henceforth flow to English weaponsmiths. Perhaps worst of all for Caesar, Rome's empire was now split in two - with Pisae now firmly in English hands, Rome's galleys would not chance the long journey across the open ocean between the core of the Roman empire and the two remaining island outposts.
And at a Palace reception, some months later
Buzzy Aspartame kept the smile on his face throughout the speeches, throughout his lionization by the royal court. It was true, a great victory had been won by England, one that might secure her place in the world for centuries. And yet, Aspartame felt unworthy of the words of praise from his sovereign and her court. True, his decisions helped win the day against Rome. But in his heart, Aspartame knew that the war was as much lost by Rome as it had been won by England.
When news of war and the Roman invasion came to his ministry, Aspartame had been horrified. But what if it had not come then? What if Caesar had waited, perhaps a decade, perhaps five, until more Praetorian formations had been raised? What if the three Roman galleys had not carried chariots and axemen, but Praetorians?
A little shiver ran down Aspartame's spine. The outcome of the war could have been much different. Silently, he drank a personal toast to Caesar's impatience.
Last edited by Six Thousand Year Old Man on 10-06-2007 at 00:07
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