question for the married/long term relationship folks

MRT144 · November 27, 2003, 03:26

whats the longest youve gone without making love? and this means from one time to another. right now its been almost 4 weeks and its so frustrating and i just dont know what to do. we have talked about it and she says she just isnt in the mood, and that our relationship doesnt need it so much because we are so close.

what can i do?

Timexwatch · November 27, 2003, 03:48

Hah. Sounds like bullshite to me.

How long have you been seeing her?

self biased · November 27, 2003, 03:55

...

obviously, she's cheating on you.

...

i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but in my experience that's the answer. especially with the "our relationship is close enough we don't need to" horsepoop.

however, in the event i'm wrong, ask her if there's anything that you could do to get her in the mood.

MRT144 · November 27, 2003, 03:58

4 months now. i dont possibly see how she could be cheating on me because we spend a great share of our free time together...it would be amazing if she found time to...

Sikander · November 27, 2003, 03:59

Quote:

Originally posted by MRT144
whats the longest youve gone without making love? and this means from one time to another. right now its been almost 4 weeks and its so frustrating and i just dont know what to do. we have talked about it and she says she just isnt in the mood, and that our relationship doesnt need it so much because we are so close.

what can i do?

I've probably gone longer while in an LTR, but not much longer. Typically, a lack of sex in a relationship points to other problems in the relationship. It might for instance just be her, but the odds are that it involves you to some degree. It could be a million things, and she may not even be aware of exactly what it is herself. Your mission is to figure out what the deal is while simultaneously keeping a good "can-do" attitude about the relationship and not pi$$ing your gf off.

Fortunately once the issue is brought up and even rudimentarily discussed you should be back in the sack with her. Unless "the problem" is directly related to her desire for you or some other fundamental question, you don't have to solve it immediately. Simply identifying it and re-committing to the relationship and to working on it are usually enough to clear the decks for action. Good luck.

Nubclear · November 27, 2003, 04:02

Perhaps she's enlightened?

MRT144 · November 27, 2003, 04:09

well we have discussed it and she says she cant figure out why right now. she is under a lot of stress as of late having to do with money and school and her roommate...

i think part of the problem is the fact that she also says that the fact that i think about it so much is a turn off. i think if i had sex more than once a month i wouldnt have to think about it so much. and for christs sake im 20 years old...

she is sexually attracted to me though. she is constantly fondling me and she tells me how attractive i am. its just point a. never gets to point b.

Timexwatch · November 27, 2003, 04:16

Has she ever had sex? Had a really bad experience in the past?

The girl I'm dating right now had dated a huge ******* for over a year before we met. She took a bit to open up to the idea of sex.

MRT144 · November 27, 2003, 04:21

yes. weve had sex before... her and i. the only bad thing i can think about when i comes to sex between her and i is the fact that she says im a little too endowed and it makes her sore...

Timexwatch · November 27, 2003, 04:29

Excuse me for failing to remember the previous lovemaking...I've been traveling today.

Stress certainly adds to the "not in the mood" factor.

Let me try this one: How long was the gap between first seeing you and sex? Was there a lot at the beginning of the realtionship? Do you think she kept up a better tempo at the beginning to make sure you were "snagged"?

MRT144 · November 27, 2003, 04:39

sorry i didnt mean to sound rude...

and as for the second question i feel exactly like that. that she was just doing it to get me to stay with her, but for me it was never about sex. I didnt stay with her and i dont love her because of sex or the promise of sex.

i mean there was about a month we waited before we had sex, and there was only a little fooling around in that time.

its just frustrating because besides the things i love about her, i also really enjoy making love with her.

im not going to break up with her because of a lack of sex either. there so much about her that i adore and enjoy that it would be ridiculous to do so.

self biased · November 27, 2003, 04:41

four months does not a long term relationship make.

MRT144 · November 27, 2003, 05:06

right, but i see this possibly turning into that and its not like we are teetering on the brink of breakup any time soon.

Theben · November 27, 2003, 05:11

Quote:

she is under a lot of stress as of late having to do with money and school and her roommate...

could have a lot to do with it.

Quote:

she says im a little too endowed and it makes her sore...

then quit aiming for the tailpipe.

self biased · November 27, 2003, 05:12

good. stress can be a killer. give her a massage. make up something romantic. girls like that sort of thing.

Urban Ranger · November 27, 2003, 05:19

Women generally have sex on a much lower priority than men. You said you haven't had sex in 4 weeks, how does that affect you as a whole? Are you in the relation for sex or for your SO?

Bugs ****ing Bunny · November 27, 2003, 05:20

Quote:

Originally posted by MRT144
whats the longest youve gone without making love?

6 weeks- after the birth of our kid.

Bosh · November 27, 2003, 07:01

Good chance it might be the stress, do some different and nice with a back massage, nice dinner, the works to try to make her forget about that. I feel for you man, I start getting cranky when its been 4 days (which happens every week, goddam LDR

)....

edit: hmmmmm or maybe spend a little less time together, there seems to be a bizarre inverse relationship between the amount of time couples spend together and how much sex gets had.

Lord Merciless · November 27, 2003, 12:54

Ten weeks, because I have to go to a grad school in a different city.

My wife didn't want to have sex with me before marriage, and we had lived together for six months before marrying.

Rex Little · November 27, 2003, 13:45

4 weeks is a long time in the context of a 4-month relationship, but not if you've been married awhile. I don't remember exactly when my last time was, but I think it was over a year ago. I know I'm 0 for 2003.

JohnT · November 27, 2003, 13:47

Quote:

whats the longest youve gone without making love? and this means from one time to another. right now its been almost 4 weeks and its so frustrating and i just dont know what to do. we have talked about it and she says she just isnt in the mood, and that our relationship doesnt need it so much because we are so close.

Laura and I went through a year long period where we didn't do it because of a really long and painful bout with endometriosis - and when it was all said and done, our wedding date was just 2 months away so we were like "what the hell, we might as well wait."

Imran Siddiqui · November 27, 2003, 14:59

Quote:

I've probably gone longer while in an LTR, but not much longer. Typically, a lack of sex in a relationship points to other problems in the relationship. It might for instance just be her, but the odds are that it involves you to some degree. It could be a million things, and she may not even be aware of exactly what it is herself. Your mission is to figure out what the deal is while simultaneously keeping a good "can-do" attitude about the relationship and not pi$$ing your gf off.

I concur. This points to another problem, IMO. This is definetly not normal behavior. If she 'isn't in the mood' there is something that happened.

MRT144 · November 27, 2003, 15:13

i will try to do more romanitical type things, i do give her lots of massages already, but perhaps ill do some more elemental and mood sort of stuff. for right now im just not gonna stress about it though, because i figure that itll happen again when it does...

perhaps im just growing a bit apathetic

Ben Kenobi · November 27, 2003, 15:18

Well, I haven't slept with mine, by mutual consent. We've been dating for close to 8 months.

Quote:

and that our relationship doesnt need it so much because we are so close.

This section worries me. You said that you have enjoyed sleeping with her before so something has changed.

Stress may be a problem, I know it would be between my girlfriend and I, if we were at that point in our relationship, annd we were both as busy as we have been.

The suggestion of massages, etc. are good. Keep her mind off of school.

Richelieu · November 27, 2003, 15:27

She may be testing you. I know i will surprise the hell out of you but women can be devious sometimes...

Imran Siddiqui · November 27, 2003, 15:44

Well he doesn't need that sort of test

.

Snotty · November 27, 2003, 15:55

When you were having sex, how long did your foreplay last? Do you have non-penetrative sexual contact now? What I mean is do you fool around, or can you bring her to orgasm just by masturbating her, or oral. Thats certain to de-stress her if thats the problem. You may have to do it this way for a little while.

If shes complaining about being sore after sex then you need to take that into account when you do get it again. Some lube works wonders, and try not to thrust as fast/hard. I guess she has not had a lot of sex before? If shes badly sore afterwards then its going to put her off doing it again, so you should try what you can to help.

A previous gf of mine found sex painful and we had to go through all sorts of stuff with the gyno to sort it out, all that time without sex. Everyone else says that you should be cool and liberal with it, but I know how tough it can get, and how much it can mess with your head. Its possible shes got a deeper problem and youve got to try to keep it together to help her get through this.

aaglo · November 27, 2003, 16:00

I've been with my girl for 4 years in the new years eve.

The longest time without sex might be between 4 to 6 weeks - mainly because she's studying in another city, 160 km from my home. And that's partially because she had her period when we saw each other in the middle. I don't find it awkward to have sex while period, but she does... I don't know if that's normal (on either point of wiev).

Spec · November 27, 2003, 16:05

Imo, 3 options

1 - She's a lesbian
2 - You suck in bed but stays with you cuz she loves you (women dont want any if they dont com)
3- She doesn't love you anymore.

I would bet 100$ that it's one of those reasons.

And for these things, I am usually right.

It's a gift.

Spec.

aaglo · November 27, 2003, 16:07

Quote:

Originally posted by JohnT
Laura...

What a beautiful and perfect name for the

of one's life