Yupo Frag and The Barn Burner versus Farmer John

[unscratchedfoot]

Most assume the long fanged hungry wolf would provide a dairy farmer with the most aggravation, loss and general deprevation of personal welfare. But no. It is the unworthy mouse who steals my cheese, scares my wife, frustrates my cats and dogs with fast running, and scurries about the rafters of our house in the wee hours of night. For all my enormous strength and hefty stock of gunpower, there is nothing I can do to fight the mouse. Farmer John, owner of Yupo Dairy Farms on the border of Prussia and France. This famous quote is emblazened on a plaque over the front entrance to the Colonial House in Frankfurt to provide inspiration to the members of the Prussian partisan club who now must face Farmer John on the battlefield.


A War Most Brutal and Threatening: Napolean the Bully Drops the Hammer on Prussia


My name is Unscratchedfoot, King of Prussia, appointed by heir to the throne. First I will tell you a little of how this conflict came about.

Farmer John was no friend of the Prussians. His dairy farms were in the vulnerable position of being very close to the border of Prussia. Countless times he had had to get out of bed and grab his 6-barrelled musket 'cannon' at midnight to chase off youngsters stealing vegetables or the vandals who brought in wagonloads of rabbits to unleash them into his cabbage fields. It was a tough way to make a living but in his own words, "If anyone ever asks, just tell them John loves farming."


Farmer John loves drinking beer almost as much as farming.

Farmer John is also well-known for his fantastic physical strength and he loves to show it off in barfights by throwing people around like bails of hay. That's why when push came to shove, Napolean chose Farmer to lead the well prepared northern French army into Prussia and crush the vegetable stealers. Napolean needs the Prussian territory to provide a buffer zone against the Russian powerhouse to the east but the French emperor is too involved in fighting the Spanish in the south so that's why he appointed Farmer John to handle the invasion.

For a long time after taking over Naples, the French were at peace except for England while war between her rivals kept them weak. France took a British city and still is holding on to it. Russia always was and still is constantly going at it with pretty much anyone who has the literary skills to read a declaration of war. (Sorry, I thought I had a picture taken of the fight but I must have not saved it). France joined in this fight but most of the losses were taken by all the other countries. Huge stacks of troops and cavalry from Spain, France, Sweden, Austria and the Ottomans all scrapped it out with the Russians who somehow held on to their cities while their soldiers fought to the last man on the battlefields.


While the Russians enjoy their rumble, the French prepare their forces to march on Frankfurt. The stupid people in Frankfurt meanwhile think its funny to refer to me, the noble King of Prussia, as a 'The Barn Burner'. This is so rude because I haven't burned down a single barn since becoming king a few years ago. Hell, most of them probably burned down barns too after they finished high school. Everyone does that.

The French conduct a covert, warm-up attack on Frankfurt and destroy one of the 2 defending cannon with a spy. Although the spy unit was duly killed, the sneaky attack successfully destroyed the much needed cannon.


The wimpiest nation in Europe since Russia knocked out the Dutch is here to insult me. He got the toe of my boot as an answer to his weak threat.

Prussian wartime contingency strategy:
(1) In the event of a war declaration from the French-Danish alliance, the main assault force of 27 Currassier cavalry and 4 fusilier regiments on the border of Denmark will push in and take over Copenhagen with the objective of capturing the War College.
(2) All Prussian cities will hold against French forces until Copenhagen is taken and the assault force is available to swing south to counterattack the French.
(3) Destroy as much of the French army as possible.

Military strength comparisons (attack/defense + hitpoint bonus):
French forces are mostly made up of Imperial Guards (8/8 +1), Imperial Cavalry (8/4 +0), and Voltigiers (5/6 +0)

VS

Prussian Fusiliers (5/5 +0), Currassiers (5/4 +0), Fusiliers (4/4 +0)


And now...

...for the ultimate showdown in military prowess between Europe's number superpower and the seemingly weak nation of Prussia.



French forces flood into Prussia under orders from Farmer John to wreak as much chaos, despair and carnage as possible upon the 'Prussian varmints'. Another cannon is lost while being moved through the country to help defend Frankfurt. The loss of cannon is keenly felt because it takes most cities about 20 rounds to build one. In the painting, the stacks of troops to the south are most worrisome, particularly the presence of legonarii gladiators from the captured city of Rome which are musket armed legionaries.

Being the wise leader I think I am, Barn Burner Unscratchedfoot signs military alliances against France with every other nation, going into debt in the process.

Inevitably Frankfurt will fall. The only hope is for all the cavalry in the north to head straight to Frankfurt to prop up the defences and abandon taking Copenhagen. It is a frustrating decision but must be done. Losing one unit to a guard attack, 26 cavalry arrive in Frankfurt to avert disaster and bring the total number of defenders in the city up to 35. The French fire volley after volley at the city but are held off. As a second place prize, the French resort to tearing up all the roads, mines and irrigation in the area.


This painting is of the mid-war situation. The southern stacks of French headed into Austria and burned down 2 Austrian cities before they turned north again to batter the Prussian southern front. The Imperial Guards prove virtually unstoppable. One guard unit destroyed 4 Prussian units which were trying to defend the iron deposit on the hill.


Through sheer precision and the production of some cannon, the French are killed off. Notice the dead French general lying on the hills below Leizig. Austrian hussar cavalry helped out by making many attacks on the French and suffered many losses in the process. Austria certainly has a large casualty budget considering they lose about 3 or 4 units to each French they kill.



Disaster in the north... the Prussian navy is sunk to the last ship. A Danish troop transport escorted by 3 frigates heads to the Prussian coast. On the way, the Danes are intercepted by Swedish frigates who sink 2 Danish frigates. Seeing easy pickings, the Prussian tear into the surviving frigate and troop transport but lose 1 warship, 1 frigate and 2 privateers including one elite! The Danes lost one frigate and captured one of ours to break even. The painting shows the surviving Danish ships north of Danzig and a fresh new transport group coming as well.

In the same painting, there is a partisan unit heading into Denmark after killing a Danish musketeer guarding the border. The name of the elite partisan unit is 'Yupo Frag' named after the yupo yogurt containers they use to make grenades out of and 'frag' is the name of the grenade inventor Mr. Herbert Frag.

Already in Denmark is a stack of 2nd rate Spanish units doing nothing because they are too weak to attack with. The Prussian partisans, though friends with Spain, use the Spanish troops for target practice and gun down 3 of their units while losing one of their own. This is all neatly explained by the logic that the Spanish payroll will be reduced while providing excellent target practice for green partisans in need of skills.

Yupo Frag, a veteran of fights at Franfurt, Hanover and now Denmark are putting notch after notch into the woodstocks of their muskets. The life expectancy of partisans is the lowest of any militia unit so it is a sure sign of bravery for one of them to reach elite status. Only one other unit in all of Prussia is elite: The Guardian of Frankfurt, a cavalry unit credited with erasing several imperial guards from the French order of battle. No Prussian generals have emerged from battle yet to lead a panzergruppe to stand up and fight toe-to-toe with the Imperial Guards.

A final operation is conducted to surround and eliminate several guard units fortified on the hills outside of Frankfurt. Artillery reduces them and 2 of the killing blows are stolen by Spanish line infantry who snook up to take what is not theirs. But this gesture of supreme selfishness by the Spanish must be forgiven, for the French are still a beast stung but not slain and without the Spanish, Prussians would all now be eating frogs and saluting Napolean. Not a single French city has fallen yet.

The fight will continue...

Casualties
These numbers do not contain the hundreds of units lost in combat among other nations, only from combat involving Prussia.

Prussia

Infantry 12
Cavalry 13
Partisans 2
Cannon 2
Warships 1
Frigates 1
Privateers 2


French

Infantry 52
Cavalry 4
Partisans 1
Spies 1


Denmark

Infantry 2
Frigates 1
Captured 1 frigate

[vovan]

Nice bit of warfare there, your Barnburning Highness.



Hope you are able to kick out the French and live to tell the tale.

[KuriousK724]

oooohhh... another one of your great napoleanic stories! hooray! cant wait till next chapter!!

[Kaos XIII]

Yeah, I love these picture stories!!!

How's about a world map.

[unscratchedfoot]

Naked Prussia

Western Prussia is often referred to as 'naked' among the local folks, referring to the terrain denuded of all irrigation, roads and mines by the rude invading French forces. Jeering veteran French imperial guards who cross over the border into Prussia after being refitted are fond of yelling out in in a haughty tone, "It's time to get naked Prussia!!"


Horrors of War


French garrison troops doing bad things in Austria.


Two Austrian cities lie in ruin since Farmer John's devastating initial assault. The Austrians have long since made peace with France in order to pursue a war with the Turks which is going nowhere at all. The Turks and Austrians are a match made in heaven. Neither can overcome the other even by an inch.


This painting shows the current map situation. France has taken over Naples (Italy) and one Spanish city while losing none of its own cities. For a long while, France held a British city in southern UK but recently the British took it back. We can only imagine the meatgrinder that went on there all that time.

Spain still holds Amsterdam which it took from Russia during the bloody coalition war of seven nations against Russia. Note that Russia is in fine shape after being hammered by the specially prepared armies of 7 countries. The war occurred after a lengthy period of general peace all over Europe except for the Anglo-French affair. So once the coalition formed against Russia, the numbers of units involved were phenominal. Hundreds of units from all the nations participating in the conflict died in that pointless struggle. Pointless in terms of such little territory taken from Russia, but certainly an enjoyable rumble it was. Prussia was the only nation not to join the war against Russia because it was busy preparing for the inevitable showdown with France.



[COLOR=dark orange]Commander Tito[/COLOR]

Tito is the supreme military commander of Russian forces. This is not a man to be taken lightly. He is tough and has proven it time and again with his brutal fighting style, especially when he stood up against the combined armies of 7 nations: Sweden, Britain, Spain, France, Denmark, Austria and the Ottoman empire all at the same time. He swept the battlefields clear of enemies and lost hordes of his own troops in the process, and Mother Russia remained unspoiled by foreign hands with the exception of a minor town exchange with the Turks down south. Tito truly is supreme.

Unscratchedfoot seems to have a bad feeling that Tito used to be the bad boy of Europe at one time, but maybe it was just a bad dream or maybe someone who looked like Tito stole his lunch money from him in elementary school or something (hint: Muscles From Brussels story).



Hurray!! Our Russian friends are coming to help! They made peace with Austria and Ottomans and only pursue a little moonlighting war on the side with Sweden so they have plenty of troops available to scrap it out with France. Prussia maintains a right of passage agreement with them to speed their boys to the killing fields of Hanover where all of them will die glorious, smokey deaths on the bayonets of the imperial guards. But what a good fight they will put up before going down. Also, Yupo Frag can be seen moving southeast to help out terminate an intrusion into East Prussia. As usual, the threat will already be eliminated by the time they get there.

[unscratchedfoot]

Good news! Parkinson's Disease is here! Huh? Yeah, its the name of the elite partisan unit just southwest of Frankfurt in this artist rendition. But it was not the Prussians who christened them with this strange name; it was the French themselves. A French general was killed just south of Frankfurt and the after action battle reports on his person referred to the partison unit as Parkinson's Disease because of the sneaky way it would kill weak and injured units while not exposing itself to counterattacks.


An elite partisan sharpshooter.


Parkinson's Disease partisans pose for a painting after overruning a French trench on a hill. Attacks like these are always immediately followed up by Prussian cavalry and troops to fortify and hold the taken territory until the French come and push them back out again. Partisans as a rule do not attack out into open fields and plains.

Also in the above painting of the war situation, there is a highly decorated French imperial guard unit named 'Delicatessan' for the way it makes meat sandwiches out of all its 'customers'. This time it is making a stand against all odds across the river southwest of Hanover after participating in a successful counterattack against the Russians. Almost dead, in one action alone that regiment has bragging rights for killing off 3 Russian flintlock units and two Prussian cavalry units while its leader was promoted to general during the action. And the unit was already wounded from the previous battle to cross the river. Finally the last available Prussian currassier seen next to it delivered the long desired coup de grace. As a reward for bravery, the accompanying general was given the unique Prussian designed death for honorable adversaries by first being half-boiled, forced to eat a 2 week dead oppossum, given a complimentary tour of Hanover tied from a rope dragged by a drunken wild horse, run over by a supply wagon train, and was finally drowned in a dirty bucket of horse urine. Farmer John posthumously awarded the fairly stricken general with the Pour le Merit, France's highest award for a member of the armed forces, the second of which awarded so far by the farmer.

The first Pour le Merit went to a musketman regiment named 'The Lone Pillagers' which snuck into eastern Prussia unopposed and almost unnoticed thanks to the bloodbath in the west. Originally intending to tear up the terrain improvements, a hot fight developed as the obsolete regiment found itself defending against wave after wave of desperate, inexperienced Prussian recruits. The meager Prussian reserves in the area were all thrown against the stout French musketmen who put notches in their stocks accounting for 5 Prussian fusilier and currassier units before finally succumbing to their wounds.




Unscratchedfoot looks through a big telescope at the Rhine river. The military really pressure the Barn Burner into moving away from the iron rich hills near the French border to the safety of Berlin but Scratch will have none of it. Through the scope a frightful scene can be seen. All along the right side of the river for a couple of hundred yards are scattered green clad corpses in such numbers that the land itself can hardly be seen at all, and in the river among the reeds float countless more of them. Then looking across the river there are yet more green corpses along with heaps of sky blue troopers strewn over the ground in a grand spectacle. Blue uniformed soldiers, horses and their riders are mangled and entwined among each other where they fell in battle like some sick orgy of death.

What a great painting it would make! Unfortunately for the common citizen, all paintings of battlefield action can only be seen in pay-per-view art galleries for the rich and well-acquainted. A painting made from a position of danger commands a high price and a place in one of the trendy warfront art galleys

The Russians scrap it out big style with the French while the Prussians continue the ***-for-tat casualty exchange south of Frankfurt. The prize is control of the river area southwest of Hanover. The river gives the occupants a defensive bonus as well it is the border of France which Farmer John is fanatical about defending to keep his cows and family safe while preventing Prussia from reworking it terrain into something useful. On average the Russians and French each lose about 8-10 units per round but in this previous round over 20 units from each side were smitten in a wild exchange of volley fire. Row after row of men from both sides dropped in perfect unison like it were rehearsed. The French even employ field cannon in this scrap. A perfectly even fight it was but at the end of the day, the Russians had gained a valuable toehold over the river. This exposed bridgehead would cost the Russians dearly in the coming fights as they struggle in vain to hold the position with dwindling manpower.


French and Russians scrap it out near the Rhine.


This painting shows a fight south of Frankfurt where the French used cannon to support their infantry in fights against the Russians. The Russians really took a beating in this battle and caved in under French firepower.

The Last Stand of the Riftraft



This painting was made to honor the many Spanish war dead. Barn Burner Unscratchedfoot paid the Spanish 700 bucks to reopen a warfront against France in the south after letting them have a lengthy rest and refitting period. Unscratchedfoot timed the Spanish re-entry into the war in order to allow them adequate time to build up their reserves before fighting again. However, some Spanish units have been on the battlefield since the start of war, though mostly wandering around without purpose. The Spanish stack of low-level riftraft in the painting by the river south west of Hanover is the same stack which conducted the siege of Denmark long ago. Yupo Frag and its sister partisan unit Parkinson's Disease both used that same stack for target practice. The Spanish riftraft also traded some gunfire with the Danes before heading south to get lost in the Black Forest for awhile and then managed to get themselves mauled by imperial guards. The above painting was colored up just before the last stand of the stack of riftraft. In the south, the French prepare a medium sized assault which will kill several Prussian cavalry units including one elite regiment, along with some fusiliers. No French units are lost in the attack.

Meanwhile the mutual slaughter of Russians and French goes on but the tide slowly turns in favor of the frog eaters who go from a 1:1 kill ratio up to 3:1 approaching 4:1. In one particularly one-sided action, 8 Russian flintlock units return to the earth for the price of only one French unit during one of Farmer John's hammerfist assaults. Not surprisingly, Russian manpower in the region dries up due to lack of reinforcements. Tito decides to take over Denmark and 60+ units are sent up the peninsula in the first wave. Tito's not known for his soft touch.


The Spanish riftraft have all been smitten. And about time too. A stack of sneering French guards stands over the slain Spaniards and have a gloat about the good practice it was to shoot them up. The French lost only one cavalry and one guard unit in the massacre of a large undocumented number of Spanish solado and musketeer regiments.

And as always, fighting between French and Prussians in the hills south of Frankfurt goes on without let-up. So many soldiers from both sides have been killed in the fighting that the Barn Burner even considered renaming the city to Verdun. The reason for the stalemate conditions is the hilly terrain because it gives the approaching imperial guards ample defensive bonuses which make Prussian counterattacks near suicidal and negates most of the artillery effects. Many currassier regiments have fallen while attacking nearly dead guard units, such is the defensive strength of the French. Usually what happens is the French punch through and push out or annihilate Prussian defenders on a hill and in the process are themselves hurt. Prussians precede counterattacks with a good dousing of arty before using cavalry and partisans to finish off the exposed French units. Lather, rinse, repeat. When the laundry is all done, both sides have nothing to show for the fighting except a lot of bodybags.

One French attack recently successfully wiped out 2 precious cannon along with all the fortified infantry on a hill.


Prussian fusiliers in position to defend a fortified position. Sadly, these blokes ordered into positions south of Frankfurt time after time were written off the Prussian order of battle before the French even attacked, so inevitable was their doom. As yet, not a single Prussian regular infanty unit has survived to reach elite status. Even the total number of veteran infantry both dead and alive can be counted on one hand.


A rare successful counterattack by Prussians takes over a French held hill. Celebrations at times like this were normally cut short by the French returning to even the score... well, to 'uneven it again' would probably be more appropriate.

[unscratchedfoot]

Terrain enhancements around Hanover are going strong thanks the temporary relief the Russians bought us. Workers escorted by infantry repaired almost all the damage done in the initial French invasion at a cost of 4 workers captured and several infantry escorts gunned down by marauding imperial guards who made it over the Rhine. A lot of work got done north of Frankfurt and was halted due to unrelenting pressure from the French. Apparently the workers are upset about the fresh carpet of casualties constantly sprinkled over the landscape.

We admire the bravery of the Russians who duke it out on the open fields with no thought of preserving their strength. Stacks of Russians and French shot each other to pieces on the battlefield while the Prussians watched with glee. This contrasts with Prussian tactics which use combined arms along with terrain considerations to maximize defensive advantages and reduce risk during attacks.


It is typical for Prussians in Hanover to come home after work, grab a cool beer or orange juice, and relax on the balcony while watching the evening battles between the Russians and French like in this picture.

There is no telling when the map situation will change. The fighting will of France does not seem to be diminishing even though they are fighting Spain, Prussia, Austria, Russia and England. Now with Russia focussing on Denmark, France may well overrun West Prussia again and denude it. Hanover has no defence out in the field and already guard units are coming accross the Rhine unopposed. Apparently Russia is more concerned with getting control of the coveted war college in Copenhagen than the overall war strategy.

The fight will continue.

Cumulative Casualties
These numbers do not contain the hundreds of units lost in combat among other nations, only from combat involving Prussia. Losses from partisan action have been included. Partisans are 'non-national' so they are permitted to attack and by attacked by forces of any nation at the risk of angering the victim's authorities.

Prussia

Infantry 23
Cavalry 30
Partisans 3
Cannon 4
Warships 1
Frigates 1
Privateers 2


French

Infantry 93
Cavalry 7
Generals 2
Partisans 1
Spies 1


Denmark

Infantry 10
Frigates 1
Captured 1 frigate

Spain

Infantry 4

[COLOR=firebrick red]Austria[/COLOR]

Cavalry 1 (lost in an evil backstabbing ambush on Yupo Frag)

[unscratchedfoot]

Prussia has just taken Nancy while Russian forces secure the Rhine area once and for all. A large number of French infantry units were just beaten down along the river. French imperial guards are notorius for taking out up to 4 enemy units each before going down in a puff of musket smoke. Prussian infantry try to secure a line back into Prussia but are constantly harrassed by fresh stacks of new imperial guard units coming from the Paris region. Prussia also got its first 2 elite infantry units, visible in the painting, but have yet to get any army leaders.

Much time has passed and many good people have also passed away. Although Prussia finally nailed down the French city of Nancy after a long siege, Spain is about to cry 'austa la vista baby!' Once France grabs the city of Valencia, Napoleon will be receiving foreign volunteers from 4 different cities, 2 in Italy and 2 in Spain. Our loyal Spanish allies will be sadly missed. On the bright side, we will still be able to meet them on the battlefield after the fall of Spain. But instead of exchanging pleasantries we'll be exchanging gunfire, dang pro-Napolean volunteers.

However, if Prussia can grab Paris, we just might receive a small number of imperial guard regiments who sympathize with our cause which is the extermination of Farmer John. Apparently Farmer John is choosy about who he gives his tasty, farm fresh yogurt drinks too. The best steaks from his farms also are distributed to units which are "deserving of perks". Prussia will try to take advantage of this biasedness.

The siege of Nancy was ugly. Both Yupo Frag and Parkinson's Disease went down fighting in the many battles, as well as all but one of the elite currassier cavalry regiments. But the spirit of Yupo Frag lives on, and now all new elite partisan units, all 2 of them, are allowed to join the Yupo Frag brigade and are given corresponding company names. So far Yupo Frag Alpha Company and Yupo Frag Bravo Company were awarded membership, although sadly Bravo Company is now fertilizing the poppy fields outside of Nancy. Rest in peace brave partisan warriors.

Russia took over Denmark and already we are seeing Danish volunteers among the Russian ranks. Russia has been very slothful in its war against France, and reluctant and selfish to boot. Prussia constantly must pay cash to Russia to keep them in the fight while Russia insists in going to war with its neighbors Sweden, Austria and the Turks, over and over. Austria even declared war on Prussia for a short while although only one Austrian cavalry was gunned down during the 'war'.

Looking at the long term, Prussia expects a future long, bloody war with Russia and/or Turkey, although Russia may beat down Turkey before France is put away. Then again, France is stronger now that its ever been and may become overpowering once its veteran southern armies move up north after finishing off Spain.

[unscratchedfoot]

Cumulative Casualties
These numbers do not contain the hundreds of units lost in combat among other nations, only from combat involving Prussia. Losses from partisans, spies and secret service agents have been included. These special units are 'non-national' so they are permitted to attack and by attacked by forces of any nation at the risk of angering the victim's authorities.

Prussia

Infantry 49
Cavalry 37
Partisans 7
Cannon 5
Spies 1
Warships 1
Frigates 1
Privateers 2

French

Infantry 158
Cavalry 15
Cannon 3
Generals 2
Partisans 1
Spies 1
Secret Service Agents 1

Denmark

Infantry 12
Frigates 1
Captured 1 frigate

Spain

Infantry 4 (killed by partisans)

[COLOR=firebrick red]Austria[/COLOR]

Cavalry 2

Russia

Cavalry 1 (killed by a Prussian secret agent for target practice)

********************************
From here on, pictures will be posted only after each 50 to 100 or so rounds of combat as per this update, after significant developments such as the fall of Spain in this case.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Great job your doing with this Scratch, another epic and the pics are fantastic

[vovan]

Great stuff, indeed, scratch.

[PresidentMarcos]

Please play the French next time. PLEASE!!! The Frogs could really win a war here and there, you know.

[unscratchedfoot]

Operation Ulcer: Southern Typhoon


All indications pointed to a collapse of the French empire: much fewer troops on the battlefield, weak counterattacks, 2 cities lost to the Russians and one to the Prussians, and most importantly, fresh new stacks of Russian troops were pouring over the Rhine and marching on Paris, the heart of France. And what's more, the Russians also captured Amsterdam from the Spanish in order that it not become part of Farmer John's buffer zone to protect his vegetables and cows.

France moved most of its reserves in around Paris to shore up its defences against the Russians. Barn Burner Unscratchedfoot took advantage of this diversion by launching a battlegroup towards Orleans operationally named 'Salut Orleans' with the hope of a quick and easy capture, unlike the long, bitter siege of Nancy earlier.

Operation Salut Orleans at first went very well with careful use of combined arms including infantry, partisans, cannon, cavalry and Prussia's first elite secret agent unit named Axis Sally. About 3 dozen French units were destroyed in battles outside of Orleans and most of the terrian around the city was turned into moonscape, all at minimal cost to the Prussians.

A newspaper in Berlin called 'The Scratching Post' published an article headlined 'Farmer John Scrapes the Barrell to Save His Big Fat Cows' referring to the dwindling strength of the French forces. Another smaller article on the bottom of a page mixed in with the sports section which no one read was about villagers bringing word of massed crack French divisions coming up from Spain towards Nancy. This bit of news was shrugged off by most Prussians as foolish heresay invented by drunk streetcorner preachers trying to create a sense of doom and desperation to inspire converts.


Russians march on Paris just as the first of the elite Spanish War vets arrive to defend the city. The one stack just south of Paris alone contains about 60 imperial guard units, many of them veterans. To the south of Nancy, secret agent Axis Sally readies for a mission.


Within 2 rounds of combat, every last Russian soldier on the battlefield outside of Paris is gunned down with unspeakable disregard. Some 40 or so Russians were estimated to have been put down in the massacre but the total loss may have been much higher considering the fog of war north of Paris prevents proper viewing. The losses to the French were very light in this fighting, hardly a half pack of eggs worth. South of Paris can be seen a Spanish cavalry and a Spanish line infantry, volunteers in the French army from the occupied territory. The cavalry unit just finished killing off one Prussian fusilier unit and almost did in a second before retreating. Pictures of the outlawed Spanish riders is on every saloon entrance and lamp post: wanted dead or alive for the killing of Prussian soldiers.

To the west of Nancy, a Prussian artillery battery on a highpoint prepares to pepper the masses of French who smoked the Russians and are now looking hungrily upon the frail Prussian defences and beyond to the city of Nancy waiting to be liberated. Farmer John announces the assault is named Operation Ulcer, after the way his ulcers acted up when he heard news of his Yupo Dairy farms being bombarded, cows exploding, troughs overturned, and some farms even being captured in Brussels by the Russians. Roaring out his rage, he managed to persuade Napolean to send the bulk of his southern forces up north despite the Spanish still holding out in one last city. The fact that Farmer was successful in his plea to the headstrong emperor is testimony to the scary degree of anger the bulky cow milker underwent.

In response to the article in The Scratching Post, Farmer John was quoted as saying, "The only thing I'm scraping is the manure off my boots." referring sarcastically to Prussian people as cow dung.




Farmer John puts the boots to the Prussians and rolls them back into Nancy. One Prussian pocket is trapped outside the city to the southeast by the encircling French. Unscratchedfoot performed a fighting retreat of forces by leaving rearguards entrenched in the hills around the city while artillery and other high value units were brought into Nancy to boost the city defences. The retreat was costly with 10 fusilier infantry units and one partisan unit lost in the last round of combat alone and many more lost in the preceding rounds. The most stinging loss was one elite fusilier unit which was badly needed back in Nancy. The elite unit did manage to take a French elite guard unit down with it. Six imperial guard units went down under fire in the assault last round and many wounded French units were left on the battlefield at the mercy of the Prussian vultures: partisans. In the painting above, Yupo Frag Alpha Company and its sister Sierra Company prepare to attack the wounded French to the northwest and leave them on the fields for the ravens to pick at.



Strange women hug each other in relief when they hear news that relatives enlisted with the fusiliers successfully made it into the fortified city of Nancy.

In all 38 Prussian military units, including all combined arms elements, prepare to defend Nancy against the encroaching French forces of 200+ regiments. Many more French units are back in Paris for rest and refit after participating in the initial assaults of Operation Ulcer. Farmer John is quite fond of using imperial cavalry to hit Prussian positions, inflict casualites, and then retreat back to Paris while fresh units rush out to continue the punishment in a revolving gravy train fashion. Farmer John likes his gravy rich and steamy.

[vovan]

The Scratching Post... Hehee.

It looks kinda grim for Nancy there. Hope you fend em off, scratch.

[KuriousK724]

May the Prussians grab them by the nose and kick them in the ***! Go Barn Burner go!

[unscratchedfoot]

Yeah, this will be a hard fight by the looks of what's shaping up. French military production is estimated to be 12 times that of Prussia based on number of cities coupled with the Diety production discount. The Russians lost their whole field army in the massacre north of Paris, Spain is cooked, and all the other countries are locked in a senseless, unending free-for-all brawl so they are offering little if any assistance. Russia's also going at it with Turkey in a freshly reopened war and just made peace with Sweden. Sweden does nothing but revolve through a cycle of wars with everybody else and be a pest kinduv like a hornet buzzing around at a picnic waiting for the decisive swat. Prussia has no beef with Sweden but we did trade a little gunfire a while ago. The Turks still cannot overcome Austria despite plenty of assistance from Russia which took a break from fighting France for awhile to beat on the Austrians for fun and gobble up 3 of their dwindling cities. Anything is fun compared to scrapping with imperial guards who are way more stronger than everyone else, except maybe for British redcoats who are just wasting time doing parades in London. Austria reminds me of an HIV victim because of the way it is very slowly decaying away. They deserve it though for declaring war on Prussia for no reason, though a complete wash is not desirable.

This whole mess is not helped by the madness of the Barn Burner in control of the Prussians. Who knows when that looney might lead Prussia from peril to certain death by doing something as foolish as declaring war on Russia or something? No way. He wouldn't go that far would he? Or would he?

The next episode called 'Milk War' is still be prepared.

[unscratchedfoot]

Milk War



This is one of the farms blown to bits by Prussian artillery during the campaign against Orleans.

A farmer like myself could never raise a merry cheer in the company of a barn burner. There is nothing more despicable or insidious than a barn burning varmint, even if he claims to ensure there are no animals inside before starting the fire.
A quote from Farmer John during an interview he graciously allowed with The Scratching Post.

So far in Farmer's Operation Ulcer, up to 20 Prussian units were lost in the retreat to the protective fort of Nancy, for a paltry couple dozen or so French units dusted in return. It is still not certain whether the French will all head directly to Nancy to ground and pound it or just surround it, reduce terrain and kill all stragglers in a traditional siege deployment.

Now the leadership of both sides of this conflict are becoming very excited, and not surprisingly, mudslinging is also part of the package. Since ancient times before big battles, a spokesperson from each side would holler out slighting remarks at the other from just out of stone-slinging range. In this era of gunfire there is no such safe range from which to apply the remarks so some telegrams are exchanged in a kind of modern style prebattle insult exchange.

Telegram from Yupo Dairy Farms owner and president Farmer John to Barn Burner Unscratchedfoot


Dear Barn Burning Varmint,

During your highly illegal campaign against Orleans, I watched for several days as your artillery yahoos blew craters in my fields, blasted apart corals forcing my dairy cows to escape in fright, burned my barns, singed my sheep, and destroyed irrigation lines and roads. My world class prized cattle were rustled by country folks made hungry by the war. We will be keeping all this mind during Operation Ulcer and will exact full justice for these injustices.


These are some of the missing cows. Please report any sightings of them to Yupo Dairy Farms or telegram tips to FindMyCows@farmmail.

The people responsible for stealing my cows are being hunted down now by police guard units but we are having trouble finding any evidence so anyone who looks well fed gets arrested. If any innocent people are caught up in this affair, Unscratchedfoot, you will be held responsible for the hardship they go through.

Your 'honorable treatment' of our captured generals including force feeding long dead oppossums and then half-boiling the brave fellows is well known among our people. We are preparing a similar treatment for you Barn Burner upon your capture. You will be given a tour of my milk farm including an in-the-milk experience of what its like to be pasteurized. Look forward to it.

Once we have liberated Nancy from your oppression, then Operation Milky Way will start which is the final march on Berlin and subjugation of the Prussian people. Your people will be put in chains and forced at bayonet point to repair all damage done to Yupo Farms and other French property. The Prussians will be milked for all they are worth, and trust me, I know how to milk!!



Sincerely going to pasteurize you,



Smudged,
Farmer John




Draft of Unscratchedfoot's telegram response to Farmer John

HA!!


Dear Farmer Dork

I see you are working on your ulcers again. Thank you for your telegram. It brought us all a good laugh here. It's nice that we leaders can engage in a gentlemen's conversation during such an ornery war. Perhaps you should reduce your intake of sour cream.

Right now we are enjoying a lovely barbeque. First of all and before any more innocent people are bullied by you, I better tell you that your big fat cows were taken away by us. Most of them are providing excellent milk for our womenfolk and children back at home and a few of the cows are being used for hamburger. Thank you for supplying our tasty barbeque tonight! As for your lost cows, all I can say is don't cry over spilt milk big boy.

What a coincidence that you named your fantasy campaign against Berlin as 'Operation Milky Way' because we are making preparations for a real campaign called 'Operation Curdled Milk' which is the Prussian takeover of Paris and your beloved Arc de Triomphe. Many an imperial guard is going to suffer trauma in the process; we just need to figure out how to make it happen. We will find a way! Please see to it that your women and pets are brought indoors for their own good when our boys arrive to carry out their rampage.

As for your childish dream of milking our people, I assure you that you will kick the bucket long before a single drop of milk arrives in it.

Good luck to you Farmer Idiot. You will need it.

Sincerely looking forward to being pasteurized,



Scribbled,
King (NOT Barn Burner!) Unscratchedfoot

[KuriousK724]

does the barnburner actually have the strength to muster an attack force? keep the goods coming!

[vovan]

Let's see the King find a way to march to Paris then.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

lovely stuff Scratchy simply lovely

[Kaos XIII]

Good stuff!

This is very entertaining and very funny!

Keep it up, you're on a roll!

[unscratchedfoot]

I made a few changes to the graphics including:
1) thinner, less imposing roads
2) lighter colored partisans
3) new and far better graphics for the legonarii gladiators (from the Circus Maximus) which you can see in a picture later.

There's a new character introduced named Bruce but when I tried to get a picture of him for the story, my screen capture program decided to go wacky.

The warfare record stats you will see in the story, for example 2-0-2, refer to CitiesTakenFromEnemies-HomeCitiesLost-EnemyCitiesRazed.

The title for this chapter is not cool. Its getting hot and humid now so its not a good season for the making of titles.


Nancy Gets Naked


One of the highest bodycount fights in history is about to begin. And such a fight should not properly pass without a deserving introduction. At least the British don't think so, and accordingly, an announcer and referree are sent under a neutral white flag to manage the scrap. Thousands of civilians tag along with them to watch the happenings, despite the high risk of being hit by stray gunfire. Also scrambling to prepare themselves are a line of moderately well acclaimed artists (but not so highly acclaimed that they are not expendable) who will record key moments of the battle on canvas with oil paints for the enjoyment and education of citizens back in their respective nations.

On a hill overlooking the battlefield north of Nancy, the announcement team and artists set up shop. The first to speak is a man named Bruce Buffer who has a voice to make any megaphone jealous. And at his side is none other than the legendary Sherriff of Nottingham himself, the popular referree of the underground Nottingham pit fight arena, who has been appointed to referree this war.


The Sherriff of Nottingham gets psyched to ref a pit fight in this picture.

The armies on all sides including the Russians, the Prussians and of course the French, all stand down from the fighting momentarily to allow the announcement. Bruce's voice is so loud that when he starts to speak, many of those listening wonder if the fighting hadnt've halted, could the sounds of muskets and cannon even be heard over him.

So Bruce begins...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this battle is sanctioned by the City of Nancy board of councillors, with Barn Burner Unscratchedfoot, Emperor Napolean Bonaparte and Emperor Alexander I as commissioners. The fourth party on the battlefield is The Sherriff of Nottingham who will be the referree when the action begins. This battle is sponsored by Yupo Dairy Farms... MILK!! LIKE IT OUGHTA BE!!!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaannnnd nowwwwwww... its time.... for the main event of the war." At his point both the combatants and audience start cheering and getting rowdy. "This fight is scheduled to last at least 12 rounds and will decide the ultimate master of greater Europe. Introducing first the fighters to the north standing in the green corner and fighting out of Brussels. Weighing in at 50 or more units in the Brussels area, they are seasoned veterans of battling against a coaltion of 7 nations, survivors of fighting off all the best of today's militaries and still adding to their empire at the expense of their enemies with a musket age warfare record of 11-1-0. Please welcome the rock solid challenger Rrrrrrrrusssssssssiaaaaaaaa!!"

When the cheering slackens off a little, Bruce continues. "And introducing the fighters to the east standing in the dark blue corner and fighting out of Nancy. Weighing in at 38 units ready in Nancy, they are new to the war and having it out nicely with France. They are lead by the wacky and unpredictable Barn Burner and have an unproven musket age record of 1-0-0. Please welcome the most dangerous nation in the world... Prrrrrruuuusssssia!"

"And their opponents to the west standing in the light blue corner fighting out of Paris. Weighing in with at least 200 units around Nancy, they are the most highly trained, well-equipped and experienced troops of any nation, with a musket age record of 16-4-3 and controlling the territory of 4 other nations including Portugal, Spain, Netherlands and Naples. Please welcome the current champion nation of Europe... Frrrrrrrrrrrannnnnnnnnce!"

Then the Sherriff of Nottingham steps forward looking all mean and psyched-up. Farmer John, Commander Tito and Unscratchedfoot approach the referree to hear his final words. The big Sherriff looks back and forth at the combatants and growls out, "Alright, I've given you instructions in your field headquarters. When I ask you if you're ready you give me the signal and I'll tell you to get it on. Do I have any questions from the challenger? Do I have any questions from the champion? Do I have any questions from the barn burner? Fight hard, fight clean. Let's get back to your positions."

The commanders get on their horses and gallop back to their field headquarters safely behind their armies who are waiting to fight. The Sherriff looks around a bit more to make sure the mood is right and then he bawls out while gestering at each party, "Here we go, here we go! Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready?" All 3 signal affirmatively. Then the Sherriff swoops his arm down.

Let's get it on!!! C'mon!!

Thunder on a sunny day. Thousands and yet more thousands of guns all unload at the same time. Almost immediately come strange sounds from among the civilian spectators accompanying the announcers. Fwup! Thook! Whop! and some screams to go with them. They are most probably taking musket shots, possibly stray or not, but the audience doesn't mind. They know and appreciate the risk they are taking to watch such a fight and so they go on cheering and yelling out their support. One of the artists who is decorated in frilly French style garb lets out a shriek and he keels over into his canvas and paint knocking it all over and making a mess. An artist next to him stiffles a snicker. The snickerer is wearing a shirt with the words 'The Scratching Post' written on it. Another artist further down who has a Russian hat on is having trouble painting since a small calibre cannon ball has removed his right arm and made a splendid crimson display on his canvas. But no worries because there are plenty more artists to take up the slack and accidents are expected.

On the battlefield itself, it is hardly more safe. Formations of French imperial guards are blended into mush by a murderous Prussian cannonade and then frapped by musketfire. It is an ugly fight. It is a viscious fight. Russians along with their Danish volunteers scrap it out in the forests south of Brussels and mow each other down in fantastic numbers with the Russians taking the worst of it. The fighting just goes on and on like the never ending barking of a chained dog.

Huge numbers of French are cut down on the open cratered wheat fields and rolling hills around Nancy. Frustrated and unable to break the city's defenders even with elite imperial guard units, the French move some forces up to Frankfurt and catch Prussian reinforcements by surprise and shoot them to pieces.

Prussian Forces Massacred at Frankfurt and Belfort

About 10 fusilier regiments trying to reinforce Nancy are butchered south of Frankfurt in the hills and on the roads. After finishing messing them up, the French then rip up all the terrain enhancements including roads, irrigation and mines for the second time. Nancy is denuded.

If that wasn't enough, disaster strikes just north of the French city of Belfort. Elite Yupo Frag Charlie Company supported by Alpha Company performs a textbook ambush on what looks like a stack of wounded French regiments only to discover they are mostly relatively worthless workers. Charlie Company ends up severely wounded and out in the open fields of Belfort at the merciless mercy of the French. In a desperate attempt to save the highly valued unit, 5 regiments of fusiliers, the bulk of Nancy's defending reserves, are sent to protect and escort the partisan survivors back to safety. It is all for not and the fusiliers along with the partisans are slaughtered to the last man and even the field mistresses and dogs accompanying them are not spared. It is Prussia's darkest moment and Nancy is seriously short on defenders with both its reserves and reinforcements having gotten themselves all killed.


This painting shows the immediate aftermath of the Belfort massacre. There is much sadness. Note the Legonarii Gladiator unit to the west of Nancy which is part of the French forces having joined in the city of Rome. Legonarii Gladiators are gladiators who have won their right to join this special army corps through many arena victories. On the hill to the north of Belfort is Yupo Frag Alpha Company which is limping back to Nancy after just seeing their sister Charlie company massacred.


A great leader emerges!! The first one for Prussia. The commander of the secret service agent Axis Sally, named von Blucher, has taught the Prussians how to form larger armies to better fight against the evil French.


Sally von Blucher is the famed leader of the agent unit Axis Sally. Unfortunately, agent units do not join armies so she will sadly depart from her comrades to lead a new army made up of 3 elite cavalry units and named Panzergruppe Blucher.

von Blucher is originally from the Inca tribe in South America. Brought over to Europe as a slave, she worked in the fields first for the Portugese, then the conqueroring Spanish, followed by the French. Prussian forces liberated her from her forced labor job of milking cows for Yupo Dairy Farms. Though she admits she kinduv liked her job on the farm, she prefers to fight and train her body for scrapping. The Prussians liked her so much that they give her a Prussian name along with citizenship and she volunteered to join the Prussian army.

Sally went all the way in the Prussian military. Not satisfied just to be a soldier, she was fanatical about being the best and even feeded on various types of bovine glands to increase her strength. She out-trained just about all of her male counterparts in the military and never stopped till she dropped. That's how she qualified to lead Axis Sally which is feared for its gruelingly cruel training program.


West of Frankfurt, Panzergruppe Blucher mixes it up with the oncoming hoards of French and dishes out copious hurt upon them by preying mostly on guard units wounded from fighting the Russians and trying to retreat back to Paris. No mercy is afforded them.


The Prussian navy finally gets with the program and sends out 3 frigates and a troopship loaded with 5 fusilier regiments to aid the last Spanish city far, far to the south. It will take a really long time to get there so this package of help may well arrive too late. But we do our best to help our Spanish allies with the few troops we have available.


Twelve rounds of combat have passed. The war just goes on and on with no side gaining even the slightest advantage. In this painting the French are conducting a Hannibal-style attack upon Nancy. Two strong wings move up from the south and west while the area around Belfort is kept weak. This is an attempt to lure the Prussian defenders out of Nancy down to Belfort to be destroyed between the closing jaws of the wings. This excellent strategy used at Cannae by Hannibal is utter foolishness used in this situation because the Prussians have no more forces to send out to be trapped. The only result of this operation will be heaps of dead French along with a moderate number of Prussians going down with them. Nice one Farmer John.

On the scorecard, the French have lost upwards of 95 units to Prussian action in the last 12 rounds while the Prussians lost around 25 units. Up at Brussels, the Russians have lost about 65 units and the French another 50 or so. Danes supporting the Russians lost 4 units, French-allied Italians about 5 infantry, and the French-allied Spanish about a half dozen infantry and cavalry. These are only estimations as no actual scorecard was recorded during the battle but these numbers are believed to be fairly accurate.


This is Pachacuti Colla-Topa, a pal of Sally's from back in Inca land and liberated by the Prussians from the French. They are buddies from craft school. His name is interesting because Incan names are always given to children according to their deeds. In this case 'Pachacuti' was awarded him from when he helped a young girl who was injured when she fell from a banana tree and it derives from 'Patch a cutie' since the girl was very cute and needed wraps put on her injuries. 'Colla-Topa' refers to the long-lasting toe fungus he acquired from walking through the valley of Pomahuaman barefoot which is a well known no-no. The fungus looks like small, dark colored brocolli which grows between the victim's toes and defies all attempts to scrub it out.

Pachacuti is waiting for the completion of the Military Academy in Frankfurt where he will apply to lead a Prussian army. Of course he will have to pass all his courses at the top of his class to qualify, not an easy thing to do for a sufferer of colla-topa toe fungus.


**************************************

Sometimes I wonder about myself. Here I am trying to tell you about a war story and end up talking about Incan toe fungus.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

I dont see why you are wondering about yourself here Scratch, your obviously quite mad!!

Great stuff absolutely great

Keep it coming

[Paddy]

wow

bring it on matey

[unscratchedfoot]

This is Barn Burner Unscratchedfoot's field headquarters in the countryside near Nancy. The place regularly gets hosed down with musketfire and incendiaries by passing French cavalry but it gets repaired quickly. Much more time is spent by Unscratchedfoot and his favorite army officers playing board games and role playing games in the war room than actual military planning. Often the games go on all night until the sun starts to rise, signalling bedtime. Unscratchedfoot explains that these games improve the strategic and creative skills of the players.


The English get pernickedy about the small Prussian flotilla carrying the fusiliers around the UK down to relieve Spain. The happy chaps who have been our friends since the beginning of Napolean's adventures, waste no time in agreeing to sign a right of passage document.

Masters of the Game

With the Military Academy still under construction, applications are already being submitted by officers hoping to be appointed to lead the new armies being planned. The next army will be made up of 3 fusilier regiments, hopefully all elite although there are only 2 elite fusilier units in the Prussian armed forces at this time.

These fine gentlemen and ladies are the best officers Prussia has, the pride of the nation. Victory or defeat in the upcoming Operation Curdled Milk will depend on who is selected. The Joint Chiefs of Staff are now considering an amphibious invasion of Italy instead of marching on Paris. If Italy can be secured, Prussia can start receiving Italian infantry volunteers to help fight the French.

These are the applicants:


Pachacuti Colla-Topa

Mr. Toe Fungus has a record of leading 2 fusilier regiments to their doom. The last time was during the Belfort massacre. After all the men under Pachacuti's command were killed, he posed as a French laborer working to clear up the craters on the battlefield and the French troops actually believed him and went away. Pachacuti slipped back to Nancy and is now waiting to be assigned another fusilier regiment he will lead again to its inevitable doom. Although somewhat lacking in tactical leadership skills, he credits himself with having the bite of a crocodile which he makes frequent use of in fistfights with other officers.


Hank "Strongface" Stollock

This combat veteran is a living legend. His impressive record indicates that 5 fusilier and 2 currassier cavalry regiments have been smitten while under his command. He was there when the French first invaded Prussia and butchered Prussian infantry trying to hold Frankfurt territory. He was there when Prussian forces were cut down in heaps trying to take the city of Nancy from the French, and he was there when Prussian reinforcements were massacred between Frankfurt and Nancy in Operation Ulcer. In Stollock's first engagement of the war, his troops were completely wiped out as is usual for him and Stollock himself took a musketball to the mug. When French imperial guards approached Stollock who was lying on the ground bleeding from the face, they decided to finish off the unlucky officer by firing a couple more rounds into his face. Believing him to be quite dead after shooting him, the French strolled away to finish off other Prussian wounded lying about on the battlefield.

On the verge of dying, Stollock was rushed to Berlin to be attended by the best surgeons, the royal medical team itself which was normally reserved for handling potential wounds to royal family members in assassination attempts. In this unusual case, Unscratchedfoot ordered maximum medical care be given to Stollock because he was a critical player in the board games they liked to have in the evening. After months of rehab, the surgeons managed to put his face back together and once he was fully healed, he had the strongest face in the world. Since then, he regularly attends rodeos across the country where he lies down in the dust and a fully fattened wild bull stands on his face and jumps up and down using his face as a trampoline. The crowd loves it and women in particular go wild over his machoism. What he obviously lacks in charming handsome looks, he makes up for with facial integrity.

In Stollock's own gruff words, "The mark of a real officer with balls is one who can take a shot in the face and keep on with his work. The one who goes down screaming for a medic after taking only one shot is nothing but a girly sissy. It is absolutely true that having a strong face is the most important attribute an army general can have."


Mari-Cola

She is another of Sally von Blucher's friends. This gal is quite fond of her fashion and hairdo and has no experience whatsoever in military matters. Actually she screams when a musket is fired too close to her and she feels dizzy at the sight of blood. The only reason she is seriously being considered for the position of general is because the Joint Chiefs of Staff are competing for her 'favor' if you will. Sally also put in a good word for her.

Unfortunately for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Mari-Cola says she already has her sights set on the man she loves, Pachacuti. In her own words, "I love a man with toe fungus. Pachacuti is so... so... organic. And having a good bite just makes him an alround adorable hunk."


"Swizzle Sticks" Burt and Ernie

This giggly, bubbling pair is an unusually close couple who are never separated. We'll leave the relationship status of them at that and have a look at their record instead. They have yet to lead any units or take any military training but they say they have a very good reason to be selected. Apparently they are both highly acclaimed religious writers and nude art makers who specialize in child pornography. They claim all their work is done with live models and were therefore arrested for having a lengthy pedophile record. Their punishment was severe. Only the threat of a revolt by the public stopped the Swizzel Sticks from being exterminated. Having finally finished their sentences, they hope to become generals to start a fresh new career. In short, they need a job.



Frank "Shoe Sniffer" Piper

This man is an expert in military strategy and has proven himself time and again during war games at Unscratchedfoot's countryside headquarters. Although he has never actually led any real military units in combat, there is a lot of confidence in his tactical and strategic planning abilities. He also is a world class wrestler and kick boxer who sometimes travels to Nottingham to participate in the underground pit fights. Those are his good points.

One evening, during a break from a war game at headquarters, Hank Stollock went for a pee and when he was walking to the john, he noticed Frank at the front door where he was kneeling down and holding a shoe up to his nose. Hank is positive that Frank was smelling the shoe. The situation wasn't helped by the fact that Hank was losing badly in a game of Axis & Allies against Frank. You see, Unscratchedfoot does not allow shoes to be worn in the richly carpeted headquarters as well as no alcohol is permitted on the premises. Frank defended himself by explaining that he had lost a contact lens and was looking through the shoes to see which one the lens had dropped into. The story, well... Hank's version of it, was published on the front page of The Stratching Post. To this day, the debate continues, but Frank has been branded as an official 'shoe sniffer'.

In the picture above, at a army convention banquet for all officers and commanders of the military as well as their families, Frank is looking at the children's play area where they must take off their shoes to enter. Frank's nose is twitching a little. At the entrance where the shoes are left is a round sign which shows a red circle with a painting of Frank in it and a red line cutting diagonally across his portrait. A pair of armed guards is posted on each side of the shoes and they seem to be regularly looking over in Frank's direction.

A Referendum!

With such high quality applicants like these, it is very difficult for the Military Academy to select the next general to lead the fusilier army. Please vote! All you have to do is say which one should be the leader and explain why you think so. You may also indicate a runner up choice as well if you want to.

The future of Prussia depends on your decision people. Please make a wise choice and do not abstain from voting.

[vovan]

I vote Mr. Shoesniffer. Despite the disgusting political stunt that was played to discredit him in the eyes of the public, I believe he is well worth the position of the command, and will do well to protect Prussia. I mean, seriously, I good wargamer can't let you down, can he?

[Kaos XIII]

I vote for Mr. Toe Fungus, the reason is everyone deserves a second chance, or third. The dude has to win eventually, right?

Runner up is Mari-Cola, no real reason though.

[KuriousK724]

hank strongface stollock... the prussians need a propagandist for conquered cities!

runner up...
shoe sniffer... great strategist...strange habits... sure to throw the enemies of prussia off guard everytime!

[ChrisiusMaximus]

whats with all this malarky, get on with the story for goodness sake

BTW Id go with the chick shell distract them frenchies for long enough for our boys to put a musket ball through their foreheads